13 Things Men Don’t Understand About Women’s Bodies

A few weeks ago I turned to my guy and asked, “When you have to pee, can you feel it in your penis?” He raised his eyebrows at me and said, “No, Jess, I feel it in my bladder, like every other human being.” Well, excuse me for not knowing much about male anatomy. Am I right, ladies? Guy’s bodies are a little confusing sometimes—and we can sure as hell think of some things men don’t know about women’s bodies:

  1. Generally, our libidos are more like electric ovens than microwaves, so pace yourself with the foreplay, please?
  2. Our jaw aches when we go down on you for more than several minutes, so please don’t hold out on us!
  3. Nature intended for our boobs to feed squalling infants, not just solely for your visual enjoyment. So, don’t start whining when we breastfeed our hungry babies in public, because that’s our job as moms and yours is to politely look away.
  4. Poking your finger around our belly button, even if it has a piercing in it, is pretty annoying.
  5. We get bloated before our periods come and sometimes feel a little thick around the middle. Even though we know it’s never cool for a woman to say something self-hating like “I am so fat” to her dude, what we really mean if we say something like that is our bodies feel gross. So tell us how cute we look in our stretchy elastic pajamas, because that’s the only comfortable thing to wear right now.
  6. Unless otherwise stated, when we like the way you’re touching our clit or our breasts, you shouldn’t respond by stroking or squeezing harder—you should just keep doing what you’re doing!
  7. Pubic hair is a bitch to wax off, so if you happen to enjoy us bare down there, consider yourself a very, very lucky boy if it happens.
  8. All PMS humor aside, sometimes cramps are no joke—as in, excruciating pain you couldn’t even imagine unless you’ve had an appendix out. You were just about to heat up the hot water bottle and scoop us a bowl of chocolate ice cream, right?
  9. Our bottoms are covered in layers of fat, as well as muscle, so it won’t hurt us (in a bad way) if you spank us there during sex.
  10. Our nipples are seriously sensitive, so ask first if you’re going to pinch or bite.
  11. If you keep giving us foot massages, we’ll keep wearing those sexy 5-inch heels that we can barely walk in. But if our feet hurt, we’re not wearing them.
  12. Our lips are so soft because we use lip balm (and your scaly reptile lips would be more pleasant to kiss if you used some, too). Soft hands = lotion. Soft hair = conditioner. That’s why we have all these beauty products!
  13. Yes, it really is cold in here.