Girl Talk: I Guess I’ll Never Hook Up With A Woman
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Wednesday October 28th 2009
When I was leaving for college, my high school friends predicted two things would occur once I fled the nest, away from my WASP-y parents: 1) I’d become a chain smoker to complete my poetry-reading, philosophy-pondering image, and 2) I’d get it on with girls.
After four years at hippie-dippy NYU, surprisingly, neither of these predictions came true. Alas, while I still have no interest whatsoever in getting lung cancer, I do still have an interest in hooking up with girls. Except these days, I’m pretty much convinced it’s never going to happen.
If you asked me to define my sexual orientation, I would say “straight,” because that’s the quick answer—but the real answer is more “straight-ish.” I’ve only dated men and had sex with men, but I’ve had intense crushes on women my whole life. That’s not enough to say “bisexual” in my book, but enough to say “straight-ish.”
It started in 9th grade with Carly. She was my first kiss ever during a game of spin-the-bottle. To my utter surprise, she asked me to be her date to Homecoming! One day, hanging out on her bed, talking about our dresses, my hormones were bleeping and blooping off the charts—I wanted to kiss her. But did I take Carly in my arms and plant a big lusty smooch on her? Hell, no. I was way too scared.
Fast-forward to 11th grade when I became friends with Anne Marie, a gifted musician. We met during driver’s ed class and, as two creative chicks at our preppy, lacrosse-worshiping high school, Anne Marie and I soon became inseparable besties. She was so beautiful, talented and fragile that it wasn’t difficult for me to develop a crush on her. Complicating matters? She had actually been sexually assaulted once by a woman. Anne Marie told me she knew I had a crush on her, but I was waiting for her to act on it because of the whole assault thing. And she didn’t.
During college, I had a reputation at the school newspaper for being a bit of a tease with the boys, but one of the reporters, an over-sized personality named Laura, did me one better. At alcohol-fueled school newspaper parties, Laura would dance with me, getting in my face and teasing that she’d kiss me. Oh, horny 14-year-old boys, I know how you feel! By this time in my life, I actually would have kissed Laura, but she’d always jerk herself away and laugh at me derisively.
I could go on with more it-almost-happened incidents I’ve had with women, but I think you get the point. Despite years and years and years of being single (and kinky!), women and I just never happened.
The trouble is, for the past six months, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy whom I want to be my life partner. While the intimacy we have together is worth everything to me, I’m honestly a little disappointed that I never got around to being with a woman—maybe the way an old, arthritic world traveler feels when she realizes she’ll never get to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. (Not that I’m comparing p**sy to mountain-climbing or anything.) It just feels like a missed opportunity.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: (as the stereotype goes) any guy would love it if I brought a woman into our bed! But I always thought I’d explore a woman’s body when I was single, not as part of a couple. One, I never fantasized about doing some kind of fake lesbian thing for a man when I was pining after Carly and company. Two, I want to be with a woman, not have a threesome. Three, I want to be with a woman so I can be with a woman, not to show off for an (admittedly thrilled) audience. Four, it wouldn’t be very fair to the woman if we could only get together with my guy there to watch. And five, the intimacy between my guy and me is too intense to break. That’s how I feel right now, anyway, and I don’t see my thoughts on the subject changing.
Yes, I’m relenting to the fact that if my single, sexually explorative days are over, women like Carly, Anne Marie and Laura will one day just be blips in my memory. No door is ever completely closed, though. Who knows what will happen?
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
bethlynn00
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
You know I always thought I wanted to try it with a woman too, I had girl crushes and would find myself very attracted to other girls and then I did it and I just really wasn’t into it. It’s one of those fantasies that many of us have, but to act on it is hit or miss. I’m glad I tried it, but I have no fond memories of the experience.
But I agree on your reasons to not make the experience as part of a 3some. Having a 3some is very different from what you are talking about and I think doing it that way would not be a pleasant experience, especially if like me, you find out you’re not really interested in women.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]
Lets make this happen!
spatula
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
@Jessica Wakeman I totally share your sentiments. I’m definitely straight-ish myself. I also agree with you and bethlynnn about wanting something other than a threesome experience. I have, in fact had a threesome, with another couple. I was really young, and didn’t really do anything with the girl ( I don’t know that I even wanted to then, I was REALLY young) and it basically was just…for the guy.
Anyway, if or when I hook up with a girl, I’d definitely want it to be just us
A.J.R.
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
This is the greatest article that has ever been written in the history of journalism ever. You should talk to Dan Savage sometime, Miss Wakeman. He frequently states how female sexuality seems to be more “fluid” than male sexuality. If you could get over #5 or get the go-ahead from your fella, I’m sure you could find a woman who’d be more than happy to satisfy your curiosity, no audience or threesome included.
sam04
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:30 am: [report]
@bethlynnoo: it’s always a hit when I act on it!
bethlynn00
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]
@sam04: Well I;m glad it works well for you.
I guess there is a difference between being physically attracted to someone and being sexually attracted to someone. Like I’m physically attracted to Will Smith, but I don’t have any desire to f**k him, I just like looking at him and that’s how I feel about women as well.
delovely
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]
I was pretty sure near the end of college that I’d never get to do anything physical with a girl. But in the last month of college, I ended up making out with two girls.
Then slept with a girl a few months after graduation. Nothing since then, but I’m really happy I got to explore a bit.
Laurel
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
@Jessica, I feel you! My boyfriend and I have actually been talking a lot about this and agreed that it would be worth opening the relationship a little to allow me to feel out the Sapphic desires. I’m a little terrified (what if I find out I’m less bi than I thought? how on Earth do I even approach women??) but we both agree it is something I have to figure out about my sexuality before we really settle down.
*sam*
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]
le sigh. I too know how you feel Jessica. Though, I consider myself “hopelessly hetero” more than “straight-ish.” Fact of the matter is, I’ve given the ladies a sincere try, but, alas, I have no interest in them aside from making out.
Which is why my very gay best friend (and maid of honor) is throwing my bachelor-ette party for me—the theme: An Ode to the Lesbian I Could Have Been (Had I Been Sexually Attracted to Them). My fiance and I are pretty excited about this considering it should involve some sexy lady strippers.
tigerstripe
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
I’m in the same boat too. My boyfriend and I agreed that a threesome wouldn’t work for us, and he isn’t comfortable with me going at it alone, which is totally fair. So unless we break up, which is not happening in the foreseeable future, that’s that.
Or, we could wait until we’re all widowed and hook up as old ladies.
whatshesays
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:59 pm: [report]
@tigerstripe- ditto. and actually I had no idea “straight-ish” was so common. I would never act on any of this as long as I’m in happy relationship with my boyfriend. But again- who knows what could happen?
whatshesays
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
*a happy relationship. that 60s gap between comments kills me sometimes. I just want to fix my grammatical error…
tabby
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
@Jessica, I am right there with you. (Sigh, if only my best friend would have jumped me in high school like I wanted her to.) My fiance suggested threesomes, which I shot down for the same reasons you did. Although if I found a woman I had a huge crush on, he could probably be persuaded to let me act on it. But I do understand the feeling of lost opportunity. Best of luck figuring all of this out.
jambadreamer07
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
Same Problem, although my BF is encouraging me to act on it. lol men.
bogart4017
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 02:07 pm: [report]
Is that some kind of rite-of-passage or something? I’m always seeing college girls hooking up.
Jill
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:45 pm: [report]
I completely understand what you mean! I’ve slept with a girl before but it was such blur and she wasn’t as into it as she thought so the whole thing wasn’t that great. I’ve been dying to try it again but my current boyfriend and I are moving in together and I don’t see this ending anytime soon. But I still feel like I missed an opportunity. I would never cheat on my boyfriend with a girl. I’ve done enough cheating in my lifetime and I’m done with it. Gender-schmender, its all cheating.
chelcpink
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:07 am: [report]
I’ve been thinking the EXACT same thing lately. I’ve always wanted to have a relationship/intimacies with another female but find it difficult to make that happen. I just always found it challenging to make that connection with women, it just doesn’t seem very easy to pick up women as a woman. Or if I’d flirt with a woman she wouldn’t think I was legitimately interested just being nice and complimentary. Now I’m with a man and it seems like the real thing, which is great, but then there’s that part of me that thinks ‘oooh but I never got the chance to REALLY be with a woman like I’ve always wanted and now it may never happen!’ It makes me wonder, could I really settle down if I feel like I have one last oat to sow?
hktea128
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 08:47 am: [report]
This article couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. While I’ve always been straight and had boyfriends, I’ve always wanted to experiment with a girl. I figure I know what I like for sure, so I’d be able to please a woman. I do have a boyfriend, so of course me wanting to be with a woman is ok with him—so he wants to be there, which is no problem with me. I love him and our sex life is amazing, so why not bring a woman into it—for me to start with. Problem is—finding someone. Where do you look?? Ideas? I’ve tried CL (its too scary) and a few other sites… no luck yet. Feel free to email me, especially if you’re in the area—I’m in NYC. Best of luck to everyone!!
loveitlala
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:07 am: [report]
I feel the SAME way!
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:11 am: [report]
this confirms my theory that all girls are a wee bit bi, and the only difference between them is how much alcohol it takes to bring their inner freak out.
Shasta
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]
It’s a bit more complicated than the above, but BethLynn nailed it with her Will Smith analogy.
We girls have this maternal, warm fuzzy feeling that we confuse with sexual attraction.
I love to sit on the couch with my girlfriends, my feet all tucked up underneath me while a little buzzed. We can talk about anything and we feel total connected. At some points it feels a little sexual, but I maintain it’s only because of the oxytocin and girl hormones that are flowing.
Men are so simple. When they have a guy crush on Tom Brady, they don’t want to f*** him, they just want to BE him.
majicksand
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]
Talk to your boyfriend, Jessica. He may be more open to letting you experiment than you think. It’s been my experience that guys aren’t nearly as threatened by the thought of their SO with another woman as they would be if it were another man. We like to joke that they are simpletons, but in reality, some of them get that it’s a desire than is entirely separate from how we feel about them. Being with a woman is highly unlikely to “convert” you. It may actually strengthen the relationship between the two of you since the “what if” will no longer exist.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
not advocating this as OK for all guys, but i joke with my chick all the time that “if its with a nother chick, it isnt cheating!” she doesnt seem interested, but if she did i wouldnt care… as long as she told me all about it or let me watch
were pigs! shallow ones!
ElleSays
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
Have you talked to him about this? Maybe he’d be okay with your experimenting in that department on your own.
glitterbug
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
well I’m currently IN college. I also classify myself as straight-ish and I have a bi girl friend that I make out with on a regular basis. I can’t really explain it, it’s just all about exploring right now, I think. I just hope my next boyfriend doesn’t feel threatened by it!
Oreo
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:05 pm: [report]
Mucho Macho: My theory is that all people (male, female, gay and straight) are “a wee bit bi”, however “Nurture” shapes “Nature” to conform to societal norms.
The difference between men and women is that society is structured in a way to shame and beat any homosexual tendencies out of men (literally or figuratively) whereas those pressures don’t exist to that degree with women. They’re more free and open to explore without it being a permanent brand on their forehead, there’s less fear of peer rejection and the general idea from the media that it’s become normalized (and, to some, beautiful). Even some of the most liberal men and women I know will make comments that seeing two men kiss is disturbing or disgusting.
Men don’t like admitting this, but if we grew up in a world that had less negative stigma associated with male-on-male sexuality (equal to that of female intergender activities), there’s a very strong likelihood that we would act on them or want to act on them in the same way as our sisters, girlfriends and wives.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
i think a lot of guys are just not drawn to other guys. i hear what youre saying, i just disagree with it. i think all girls somewhere deep inside have that “what woudl it be like” curiosity spark, while most guys dont. imo.
C.Munro
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:28 pm: [report]
I intensely dislike almost all other men.
This isn’t a sex thing; it’s a personality thing. I don’t relate well to men at all, and I hate being around them most of the time. Men seem to have two personality types: boring and irritating. The idea of having sex with one of them is beyond unappealing.
Then again, we grow up differently. Girls seem more comfortable being naked around each other in non-sexual contexts. Some of my female friends will take showers together or change clothes in front of each other. Guys only do that at football practice, and even then only because some demented coach threatens ill-consequences if they don’t.
I don’t know that that means women are more predisposed to bisexuality than men, but it seems that there’s some kind of conditioning going on there.
Oreo
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:29 pm: [report]
I agree Macho. We’re not drawn to other guys as a general rule (at least I’m not). What I’m saying is that the reason we don’t have a inter-gender curiosity equal to females is because we’re trained from a very early age not to.
Anything associated with femininity or homosexuality is a strict taboo in which we run the risk of disapproval of fathers and male family members, disapproval from our religion and violent torment from our peers.
If society were different, who’s to say what we might be drawn to? Look at how the idea of beauty has changed over the years. What we are sexually attracted to is largely dependent on sociology; where and when we are born.
irishballerina
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:34 pm: [report]
I always had attractions to other women but never acted upon them…even though I really wanted to. A few years ago I finally did.. I dated a woman for a few months, and had lots of great sex with her. The conclusion was (in my case) that I could be with a man or a woman. Oh and I was married during this time, my husband was very open about it. He knew it was something I always wanted to do. We are still married and since than I have not been with any other woman. Guess I just wanted to find out one way or another.
Lily Q
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
Just Do It. (c)Nike
Steph9668
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 05:54 pm: [report]
I’ve had similar feelings and am in almost the same situation… and after reading these comments I think I should have acted on it more! Seems like a lot of ladies might be down with trying that but too afraid to act on it. Darn!
Cassandra B Good
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 07:38 am: [report]
Wow, and double WOW! I am not alone…this article seems to be ripped from the pages of my mind. When I was younger women were constantly hitting on me and I always said “no”...Now I wish I had said “yes” a few of those times and not have been so pent up!
janiejones
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:23 am: [report]
I am definitely with you on this one. Although, as a single lady in college, my concern is getting involved with somebody who KNOWS they prefer women… And hurting their feelings if I end up not really being into it. Even finding an equally bi-curious girl is such a task, because most people STILL construct their sexualities through binaries (gay-straight).
I am also having a hard time deciphering whether I want to be with them, or BECOME them. How can I possibly figure this out?!
develange
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:02 am: [report]
I experimented when I was 9 or 10 and that was it. Now I’m just boring straight.
develange
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:04 am: [report]
PS. I feel out of the loop because I have absolutely no desire to be sexual or in a relationship with a woman. Guess my sexuality isn’t very fluid.
majicksand
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]
@develange: Don’t feel bad. Your sexuality is your own; you don’t have to defend being straight any more than someone should have to defend being gay or bisexual. Frankly, there’s nothing worse, sexually speaking, than someone pretending to be something they’re not to please others. That’s just not good for anyone.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 09:26 am: [report]
@oreo - good point.
SouthOC
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 09:50 am: [report]
It seems like since the Madonna / Britney kiss, this seems to have become a mandatory rite of passage for college girls. Peer pressure…
bethlynn00
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
@South OC: You think it started with that? Please, this is nothing new, and it definitely pre-dated that mess…College has long been a time of experimentation, it’s just that now people are talking about it, or I should say it’s become a pop culture phenom…but to say that one event made every college girl want to kiss another girl is really very silly.
SouthOC
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 10:11 am: [report]
I also totally disagree that everyone is a teeny bit bi… Although I can admire other man for being cool, or think another man is handsome or has a great body, I’ve NEVER been tempted to have a sexual encounter with another man. And I mean NEVER.
I’m not homophobic either, I have gay friends, and have no problem relating to them in any way but sexually.
Bertram
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
When you get married their is a little mental checklist you go through of both good and bad things:
Good: Never had an unwanted pregnancy, No STD’s, no longer single
Bad (or not so good): Always wanted to sleep with or hookup with these past crushes
If my wife had come to me, when we were dating, and said she wanted to explore her desire to hookup with another girl I would have encouraged her to explore it and see where it lead. What would be different, to me, is if she said I think I might want to have a relationship with a girl. I would not want to continue in a relationship with someone who felt they had a whole side of their sexuality they hadn’t explored. Let them explore it as long as I what I offer to the relationship still has meaning. You don’t sound like you want to be in a long term relationship with a girl, you just have a physical attraction itch that needs to be scratched. Talk to your boyfriend about it and explore it. From the way you have written this it does not seem like something that will just go away with time and would only get worse.
lizzmilk
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 02:48 pm: [report]
Next time someone asks you if you’re straight or gay, just say you’re “about a one” on the kinsey scale. The scale is based off of actions, fantasies and dreams.
Here’s a link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale
SouthOC
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 04:30 pm: [report]
@bethlynn00: Thanks for the history lesson… I’m just saying that highly publicized events help to create cultural norms.
Kate134
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:59 pm: [report]
@u@ best thread ever, you straight-ish women are the stuff really bisexual women dream of. This is like that time at a party in college a ‘super-straight’ friend of mine made out with me. I was going on study abroad for a year and came back later, turned out she had a serious (and kind of psycho)girlfriend. Proudest moment of my life. I kiss so well it makes straight girls go gay. Its like planting a flag in newly discovered territory - and I planted a big rainbow venus sign.
Kate134
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:12 am: [report]
BTW if you portray yourselves as just exploring, we’re more than happy to oblige without expecting a relationship. The problem comes when you expect us to cater to your every desire and then when we get to our turn you say “oooh hmm p—-y I’m not sure I want to touch/taste that, can’t you just do me again?” You get one free orgasm, by then you should be able to decide “Yeah I could get into doing this to another chick”. Second orgasm indicates that you will be reciprocating. (Lesbian sex can go for however many orgasms you can get without chafing, a numb mouth, dry mouth or carple tunnel but there’s a break time after there are 3 orgasms each. at least to get some water.)
Seren
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 02:05 am: [report]
aren’t most lesbians bothered by this sorta (coed) bi-curiousness???