Can You Continue A Relationship With Your Ex’s Loved Ones?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
2:30PM, Tuesday January 27th 2009
Last night I had a drink (okay, we had three) with my ex-fiance’s mother—she had called me previous to her coming into town and has asked if I wanted to meet up. I hadn’t seen her since about three weeks before our initial break/split/whatever, when she had come to town with her husband to meet my mom and see one of the spots we were considering for our wedding. Throughout the break process she was very kind and as supportive as she could be, given that I was in the middle of a relationship crisis with her son. I think she was so kind and supportive to me because obviously she is just a kind and supportive person in general, but also because she had come to think of me as part of her family—that’s why I think our breakup was so hard on her. And on me.
When I told a few friends that I was planning on meeting her for drinks, a couple thought I was a little nutty. One friend said, “I would advise against that. People lose things that mean a lot to them when break ups happen, but moving on does not mean keeping the ex’s mother in your life.” When I explained that she was much more to me than my ex’s mother, and that the relationship we hoped to maintain was about friendship, and one that had nothing to do with HIM, he softened. Still, though I was 99% excited to see her, a small part of me was nervous—would we end up talking about my ex? What if I was to find something out that would hurt me? Would hurt to see her and be reminded that she could ONLY be my friend and not my mother-in-law? And how much did she know about what has gone on with me since the split. She’s an avid Frisky reader, or was before, at least, but had she been keeping up on the site recently? Did she know about the $527 makeout? (Yes.) Or chicken parm guy? (Yes.) Or my pathetic attempts to screw my male friends and my subsequent sex sabbatical? (God, I hope not.) Most of all, what topics were on the table for discussion? And did I look hot and glowing and amazing enough that she wouldn’t able to help herself from telling her son how great his ex looked and seemed?
Most of all, I knew it would potentially be emotional—and it was, although in a really wonderful way. I burst into tears upon seeing her and having her hug me warmly. She got teary at times too, but it was nice to have her say that she was glad I was doing well, and knowing she meant it. It was nice to keep the discussion about my ex to a minimum, but to also be able to explain to her how much I had come to accept what had happen and the end result, if not the methods. And it was really nice to be able to tell her in person that one of the most heartbreaking parts of our breakup—perhaps the one that I’m still trying to get over—was knowing our relationship ending meant that my relationship with her and her husband and her daughter (my ex’s dad and sister) would change drastically too.
I think my situation is rare however. I don’t think many people could manage to maintain a relationship with a member of their ex’s family. But I also think I was rare and lucky to have forged such a close bond with my ex’s mom that was special and separate from my relationship with him. She said she was happy that I was moving on and would continue to move on, but that she hoped I would have a little space left in my life for her—I made sure she knew there was A LOT of space for her. While we talked about him just a little, I think we’ll get to the point where he’s only brought up in the same way I’d ask after someone I knew well at one time in my life. And who knows, maybe I’ll be having drinks with him sometime in the future. Right now, I kind of doubt it—I’m still pissed and disappointed and disgusted in a way—but I won’t rule anything out.
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nicefrenchgurl
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 02:47 pm: [report]
Amelia, im so sorry that ur still upset.
I had the opposite done to myself: my mother would call my ex and ask him over for lunch every sunday (since i was such a bad daughter that i had always loathed family get togethers) so he could give an update of her slutty and irresponsible daughter. he cut me from my family the way he had cut me from my friends (what he had forgotten to tell my parents was that to this day i still have no idea what he was up to since he was not in class, and that he was verbally and physically abusive - like my dad and brother, no wonder i had ended up with that guy) this used to drive me up the wall. and i moved to canada 6000km away from them
even if its hard, i think that when there are no kids involved, u must not meet up again with your inlaws after the break up ever again
how would u feel if your new boyfriend introduced you to some people by telling you they are his ex inlaws? wouldnt you feel awkward?
ScannerEmily
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 03:22 pm: [report]
I miss my ex’s mom so much. The night we broke up, he had passed on two books she had given him to give to me. I never even got to write her a thank-you note, because, as he put it he needed his mom in his corner and didn’t want me to have any contact with her. And I respected that, as hard as it was for me. Now I often think about sending her a note or an email, considering it’s been two years. Maybe I will.
Rachel Kramer Bussel
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
Amelia, that was really moving, and I’m happy for both of you that you were able to go there. Sad because so many people have tough relationships with their in-laws and you didn’t, but glad you can both salvage what you share outside of him.
Humble Bee
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 04:12 pm: [report]
Something similar to this happened to me. When I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years, my family was so attached to him. My brothers and sisters adored him and although I would tell them to stop talking to him, they would secretely hang out with him and have him walk them home. They had this really stong bond, and they just loved him and constantly mentioned him. It’s because of them that I gave him another shot, and now he’s working with my dad being his right hand. Still to this day, my family adores my boyfriend, sometimes I think they love him more than me. lol.
Backliteyes
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 05:12 pm: [report]
This article choked me up a little. In large part I think it’s rare because it’s pretty impossible for the instigator of a break-up to remain on friendly terms with their ex’s family. So for half of any equation the situation can’t turn out like yours has. That’s the situation I’m in.
I got along better and was definitely more comfortable with my ex’s mom than I am with my current boyfriend’s mom. There’s other factors that influence this (time, living arrangements), but I think at the bottom of it it’s just a matter of personalities and how well they interact.
A respectable amount of the guilt I felt over breaking up with my ex was because I knew I had hurt and disappointed his family. Now, whenever my current boyfriend’s mom gets on my nerves I think about my ex’s mom and I miss her. :(
So I hope you get along just as well with the next guy’s mother so you’re not so wistful sometimes for that great would-be mother-in-law.
msalistar
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 10:22 pm: [report]
Oh, I have been there, recently. My relationship of 15 years ended this last fall.
I stayed with his parents for 2 months while I got my life in order and moved cross country to get away from the damage he was doing to me. His Mom, the night before I left, gave me a beautiful gift and told me how to wear it when I needed to feel their love.
I’ve called her a few times to catch up since I left, over christmas. I miss his family more then him, and they will always be my family. When his brother graduates from college in a few months, I hope to see them.
I feel fortunate to have them in my lives and how lucky I am that I have so many good memories of his mom, and the rest of the family. That I left on good terms still with them. Cherish those relationships.
ShortyDooWop
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 11:40 pm: [report]
my mom and her sister are very much a part of my dad’s family. my dad(the ex) is not really a part of his own family, he’s the black sheep. my paternal family treats my mom and maternal aunt as if there was never a divorce. we share all major holidays together and other important events. it’s great when people can be mature enough to maintain ties and it really shows you that good things can come out of unfortunate events.
Mercedy103
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
Hey Amelia! I’ve read a lot of your “Breakup Diaries” but can’t seem to remember..how long ago did you break up? How long were you together? Are you still in contact with him or did it end on bad terms? I’m going to go back and reread your diaries on here also and see if I can find those answers
Amelia
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 12:41 pm: [report]
@Mercedy103 Well the breakup was sort of drawn out, but it was a little over four months ago—and we were together for nearly five years. I wouldn’t say it ended on terrible terms, but I’m not speaking with him right now, mostly for my own sanity.
Mercedy103
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
@Amelia..How did you deal with that?! Is that where the expensive makeout came into play? lol. The not-talking, I mean. My ex actually moved to California, was planning on moving back this Friday (on my birthday..to live with me..etc) and for other reasons (as far as I know, not related to me) is now not moving back at all. I’m having issues with not talking to him every day like we had been doing! Any advice?
Amelia
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]
Weirdly enough, during my breakup I had this bizarre and very unlike-me ability to just STOP bad or unhealthy behavior. Like, I went through a period where I was obsessed with knowing whether he was hooking up with a coworker—but after a week, I snapped out of it and haven’t even done any true “investigating” about it since. Likewise, when he finally told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore, I knew I had to cut off contact. Once I made the decision, it wasn’t even hard. I don’t get tempted to text or call him when I’m drunk or sad. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him, but my mind won’t let me do things that are unhealthy as far as he is concerned.
Chelle
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 09:29 pm: [report]
I think it’s okay as long as you and your ex can handle it. Meaning that, for you, being around his family members doesn’t hinder your ability to let go. For him, that he doesn’t feel “betrayed” by his family members or that it doesn’t make him uncomfortable. It’s also better if he understands the relationship between you and the family member so he doesn’t think you’re stalking him. It’s definitely a lot easier when you’re still friends with your ex. Then it’s not even an issue.
kenlemika
wrote on February 1 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]
That is wonderful that you still have a close relationship with your ex mother-in-law to be. The relationship I have with my ex husband’s mother is better than the one I have with my own mother. We had a special bond, that was built completely separate from my ex’s and although we split up more than four years ago, I still am in contact with her and we will always have a place for each other in our hearts. It’s too bad that more people can’t remain close after a break up. For some reason it’s not allowed, or against some sort of unspoken rule. But I truly believe that people who love each other will stay friends, no matter what. Cherish those special people in your lives, even if they’re the ex’s family members.
CSWYGal797
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 04:16 pm: [report]
I’m very fortunate - I was in a relationship for almost 4 years, we had lived together after his mom’s death for over 6 months, weren’t engaged but had marriage plans, etc. Then it’s like he just woke up one day and a light switch had gone off and he was done and he threw me out. To this day, I still regularly write to his dad and wife, and email his cousins (who are like siblings to him), and even have all the cousins and their kids over for picnics and fun. They all think he was a fool and still pray he comes to his senses and we get back together (their words), but I’m so thankful they embraced me as family years ago, and have continued to consider me family. The thought of not seeing them again was almost harder than not seeing him.
CSWYGal797
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 04:18 pm: [report]
(on a side note, he had the gall to try to invite me to HIS family’s Christmas a month after he viciously broke up with me - it was ugly) He couldn’t comprehend why I WOULDN’T want to be with his family, which I adored, when my family was thousands of miles away, even if we HAD just broken up. Men!
nitsnitz
wrote on July 26 2009 @ 10:46 pm: [report]
It is very hard to maintain good relationship with Ex-family because you already left that family due to some relationship conflict or due to some other family relationship problems. Almost in all cases relationship with ex-family seems bitter. But it is good if you can manage healthy relationship with your ex-family and current family together. Emotional attachment, communication skills, helpful and kind nature of person helps them maintain a good society status and respect. Sometime you have to maintain relationship with your ex-family also even if you don’t want to, then problem arises and troubles begin. In such case you can take help of <a >family counseling services</a>.
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/
shellerbee
wrote on July 27 2009 @ 12:15 am: [report]
My partner is friends with his ex’s dad on facebook. As far as I can tell, they met only a handful of times, so it weirds me out.
But I can’t really complain: my ex’s father is my optometrist. (In fairness, we were friends for 3 years first before the events which led us to be exes occurred)