The Breakup Diaries: My Six-Month Sex Sabbatical
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
sex
3:30PM, Thursday December 4th 2008
My breakup is…hold on, checking the calendar…almost three-months-old. Which means my hoo-ha has about three months worth of dust gathering inside it. About, oh, three weeks ago, I reached the point in the breakup evolution where I felt a sudden aching urge to have sex. With someone. Anyone even, after a few glasses of wine. But apparently, my dusty vag also has a layer of penis repellent, because my attempts at getting laid have been thwarted not once, not twice, but three times. Not to toot my own horn, seriously, but I’m mildly attractive so it’s kind of bewildered me that getting some sweet action is so difficult.
If you manage to get a dude over to your apartment, late at night, and answer the door in your skivvies and you end up just chatting about how funny Ryan Reynolds is, well, then you’re probably better off declaring a sex sabbatical.
Of course, this could be my fault. As I wrote about in five ideal rebound types, I’ve started off by searching my array of guy friends for takers. After years of being with the same person, the idea of having “casual sex” with someone not familiar, honestly, freaks me out a little. So my cute single guy friends seem like the perfect antidote to my bruised but horny situation! Too bad my plans have been thwarted.
The first guy friend/potential rebound, after some flirting, said hooking up would be “a bad idea”; the second engaged in some enthusiastic dirty texting late one night, then proclaimed sudden loyalty to his girlfriend the next morning (I had thought they were on a break); and the third actually came over to my apartment late at night on a weekday, with the intention of getting down to business, and then decided when I made the mistake of answering my door with my dog in my arms (I was also only in a tank and undies, so I wasn’t that desexualized) that he just couldn’t see me as more than a friend. Yawn. If you manage to get a dude over to your apartment, late at night, and answer the door in your skivvies and you end up just chatting about how funny Ryan Reynolds is, well, then you’re probably better off declaring a sex sabbatical. Which is what I am doing.
To tell you the truth, when I was in a relationship, I never actually missed the “excitement” of boning a new partner—I never was able to get off with one and I always ended up trying to turn those little trysts into something more. But I don’t want to ho around. I don’t want to add to the notches on my bedpost. At the end of the day, I’m a monogamous person by nature, so I think, good or bad, I’ve always got my eye peeled for a companion—which is why I always fell kinda, sorta in love with many of the guys I had any intimacy with. I love being in love.
I was hoping I wouldn’t go back to that behavior this time, but alas, I don’t think I’ve grown that much. And, besides all that, I am not ready for another relationship anyway, even if a rebound turned out to be boyfriend potential—my heart is still tied to my ex and while I’m working on cutting that cord, I think it’s probably best that I take some serious time alone. Six months in fact. I’m three months in. That means no sex—kissing is allowed, as are dates, not that anyone is offering. And, obviously, I would make an exception for Ryan Gosling, because, duh, you only get one chance to hump Ryan Gosling.
So start timing me! I promise to ‘fess up if I give in to temptation, but my six-month-sabbatical officially ends on March 1.
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rachdach
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 03:46 pm: [report]
the perfect anecdote to your situation?
i think you mean antidote. xD
Amelia
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
HA, thank you. Sigh.
Michael
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 03:57 pm: [report]
are you maybe trying to hard?
Amelia
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 04:04 pm: [report]
@Michael Oh I suppose. But now I’m not trying at all! Also, you’d better not be THAT Michael.
Michael
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
and who is THAT Michael?
all I meant is that trying to plan a “fling” ahead of time isn’t going to be as effective as say cracking a bottle of wine and letting it happen spontaneously.
MsLiberal
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 11:18 pm: [report]
Why is it guys never pick up on when we’re actually available? Guys only bother to flirt when I’m very much taken.
I just finished the first month post-breakup… :-(
ShortyDooWop
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 11:33 pm: [report]
From personal experience, a 6 month hiatus is VERY empowering!!! (and costly, you can go through some batteries if you get my drift!!!) But there’s really something about telling a guy, “thanks, but no thanks,” when you really want to jump him that feels amazing!!!
Katia
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 11:42 pm: [report]
I can’t help but think that maybe someday you’ll be glad that you didn’t get sexually involved with any of your male friends. It can really make a real mess of things. Trust me. You’re doing the right thing in taking a break. And mildly attractive? Puhleaze! You’r stunning, smart and funny. Any guy would be lucky to get you. Fingers crossed that you bump into Ryan Gosling one of these days and he’s brought to his knees by your wit and charm.
yarngasm
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 07:46 am: [report]
As someone who’s at the 6-month mark of the sabbatical, I say go you! At 3 months after my break up, I was still way too much of a hot mess after my 2 year relationship to even think about boning. Over the next few months when you need to scratch that itch, think about what you really want, then go for it. I’m not currently in a situation where there are many humpable guys, but when I am, you bet I’ll be a lot pickier about who I want to take home. More power to you, and good luck!
Also, reading the chronicle of your break-up healing is giving me some perspective on my own. Thanks for that.
Amelia
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 08:04 am: [report]
Wow, thanks for the support guys! I feel so loved.
juliePS
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 09:03 am: [report]
I have actually found that when my vag is on sabbatical, I miss the other aspects of physical intimacy more—I started to get really surly about not having anyone to make out with, for example. At least that’s slightly easier to fix!
Seriously, I’ve been technically single (dating but no relationships) for about a year after the demise of my three-year relationship, and your posts are really taking me back! I promise it’ll just keep getting easier as time goes by.
yarngasm
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 09:38 am: [report]
@juliePS - I feel the same way… I really want someone to do the other fun physical stuff with, too. Sex would just be a bonus at this point.
Lynn
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 11:16 am: [report]
I think this is a great idea. Hey, not having sex isn’t exactly fun. But the byproducts of that are wonderful - especially since you know yourself well enough to know that you’d get emotionally tangled in.
Amelia
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
To be honest, I soooo would rather makeout with someone than have sex right now. And cuddling. Is it wimpy of me to say I just want someone to spoon with?
yarngasm
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
@Amelia: Not at all. Takes a lot of pressure off both you and whoever you want to cuddle with.
Nice Eyes
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
I’m on a six month Sabbatical as well. I did it once earlier this year and it definitely makes you appreciate it for what its worth when the opportunity does arise again.
Rachel Kramer Bussel
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 05:12 pm: [report]
@Amelia - I’m with you on the making out. Or at least I feel like it’s a very close second to sex. Also I have a feeling that now that you’ve declared this, offers are gonna be on the table. Keep us posted!
Amelia
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 05:19 pm: [report]
@RKB Yeah, added benefit of a sex sabbatical? it immediately starts pouring opportunities.
Tamara
wrote on December 6 2008 @ 12:29 am: [report]
@Amelia, good luck! I ended an 5 year engagement two years ago and I took a sabbatical from everything, including kissing because I really needed to figure out what I wanted. He and I spent a year longer together than we should because we were each others firsts for everything and did not understand why it couldn’t work. Fortunately the sabbatical only lasted a month I met a wonderful man, and we’re still together, it’ll be two years on christmas.
I always tell everyone coming off of a break up to take time, and when you’re not looking it’ll come to you. Whether it’s a great date, good sex or another relationship I swear by just taking time. Of course a lot of my friends still swear that getting laid asap is the best way, I figure to each their own and wish you the best.
Throne of Cynicism
wrote on December 7 2008 @ 03:57 am: [report]
i guess it’s comforting that women sometimes have as much trouble as guys do.
I’ve been on an involuntary sabbatical for over a year now.
Partly because there aren’t nearly enough women in the world like Amelia (seriously- a writer who loves Mac’n'Cheese and quotes “There Will Be Blood”?).
So good luck to you, A.
her’s hoping we both find someone worth ending our sabbaticals.
toyen
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 10:33 am: [report]
@MsLiberal, et al.—I think there’s a guy radar for when a woman is very content, which for many of us is when we’re in a happy relationship. We’re radiant, and thusly get hit on. When we’re newly single, we’re giving off different vibes—a little unsure, getting used to being alone, trying to define ourselves independently. It gives off a whole other vibe.
I’m on an unofficial sabbatical since early October more or less. I’ve had chances to date, but I’ve gone running from them all. I want something less forced and more organic—and like my mom said and I truly hope—it happens when you’re not looking for it. And probably when you’re busy loving your own life again.
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 11:29 am: [report]
Six months off is an excellent idea. I never understand people who rush right into another relationship. Having sex so soon after a breakup is either going to get you attached to the new guy or cause you to mourn the ex even more, which could mean naked sweaty tears. Never a good idea.
VickyGeez
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 08:09 am: [report]
I think I can relate. Right after high school I met my X-fiance. We lived together from day 1 and did not leave eachothers side for 5 years. I really truely would’ve been happy with him for the rest of my life, but he went to college, and because we both lost our job we thought it best for him to stay with his mother and I get back on my feet staying with my mother. Theres a whole lot of story to that relationship(good not bad). I’m just saying eventually he started meeting girls at his college between classes from online. He said he’d never done anything with any of them which I believe. To this day were good friends, hes still in California I’m in Ohio. I’d broken up with him and for a whole year I was searching despratly for another potential life mate who could “match up” to my X, because I was not over him, but I will Not tollerate anyone I’m with actively looking for someone else wether they do something with them or not. Now everyone told me “dont expect it from the first person you meet”. Of corse I did, and he used me. I was stupid and with the minimum wage job I had I’d bought him a new $400 computer because I thought it’d put his mind to ease he wanted to play PC games ‘WOW’ to be exact. That should’ve clued me in to start. I was seeing this first guy for only a month, yes I had sex with him the first day we’d met. He didn’t offer me anything, he had no car, no money, no job(I’m not judgemental). And of the month we were together, the last 2 weeks we hadnt had any sex, it got to the point when I litterally begged him for sex, he just outright said “No.” I was heartbroken, to think that this guy truely cared nothing for me, to the point of not even wanting to give me a symathy sex. As I said, dumb, I left that day and never called him again… My X fiance was my first, and in that year I bounced arround 18 guys I’d had sex with. I was very alone though I’d been with so many. And some even wanted a real relationship I just wasn’t feeling it myself. Seeing so many, kind’ve made me scared, scared that I might enjoy this “slut” life. 1 guy gave me the best sex I’ve ever had, and hes the only guy who has given me an orgasm and sorry for being graphic, but I was litterally filling his hand with my cum which is VERY unuaual. To bad it was a 3 some and the other girl involved was his girlfriend(I have NO interest in girls). Long story to that too. Of all the guys I’ve been with, I’ve never been raped which I’m greatful for because I hear so many storys of it. I’d have to say I don’t regret it, because my openness lead me to the guy I’m seeing now who I met September 13th 2008, when I moved down here to Ohio from California. I now live with him and hes an awsome guy. He’s not given me an orgasm yet but it’s not nessesarry, I don’t need it. That year showed me what different types of guys there are out there and what I’d be “missing”, if I decide to stick with one guy,(which is not much, but it was a question in my mind what would I be missing.) So, that lifestyle till you find someone is completely up to you, I think it was probaby the best for me, even though I was miserable the whole time, as I said, it lead me to meet the guy I’m with now, and I’m happier than ever. If you have any questions about anything I’ve said or just in general, ask away.
-VickyGeez
jadeycakes
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 05:02 pm: [report]
@MsLiberal, I couldn’t agree more. All the guys seem to want me when I’m not available and then they all disappear when I’m single and ready to mingle…wtf?
NewEnglandGirl
wrote on December 20 2008 @ 09:30 pm: [report]
oh man.. first of all. you’re doing a great job so far! i was in your predicament this past summer. i did the whole tears bit thing for the longest time and then finally thanks to help from families friends and strangers i just… slowly went back into the light. but that 6 month sabbatical. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! its rough, its tough, and sometimes you feel like you’re about to go insane.. im approaching 7-8 months and ive been close to the out and out sex but… im dealin’ so hang in there girl. you can do it! even if no one is doing you.
AndroidBoy420
wrote on December 20 2008 @ 10:29 pm: [report]
A sabbatical can be very empowering. It’s ironic how things can happen when you just don’t give a damn.
Funny thing. My wife and I just got done with a year of “workday sex”. Five days a week. (Yes, even that week.) Know what happened? A lot. But the two really good things were:
1) I learned the value of foreplay. I needed it to get stimulated.
2) I last like a marathon runner! We can do it for hours!
(Keep that in mind if you are having problems in these areas.)
I just thought it was strange that the sabbatical and the daily sex could have the same effect.
One more thing. Amelia, you are smokin’!
BadTiming
wrote on December 23 2008 @ 02:32 am: [report]
Having sex and starting a new relationship really have almost nothing in common. I was a year out of my relationship when i started dating someone that just came out of a heartbreaking relationship. I was single and ready she was trying to mend a broken heart. The relationship was on overdrive, both convinced this was it. Long story short after four months of euphoria she freaked out and realized she should never of gotten involved. Her doubts overwhelming we mutualy (whatever that means) ended the relationship. Looking back it was almost comical how blind we were to emotion, non the less the devistation was all to real.
If you want to get your rocks and have meaningless sex all the power to you but a rebound relationship is pure fantasy. Sure it may work out but then again people do win teh lottery.
FeelFree
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 07:05 pm: [report]
i’m on a sabbatical as well…for a year..its been 5mnths. pretty much the same reason as yours i havn’e gotten ovr my ex, and i cant “add notches to my bedpost”.
but mine’s a lil bit different…i cant do anythin intimate at all [not even kiss]....this is proving 2 b veeeeerrrrrrrrrryyy difficult cuz i keep goin on dates, gettin close 2 the guys then shuttin them down *sigh* i’m not sure i can pull thru