At this point, you’ve probably seen the footage and Instagram pics of the really drunk couple who were caught fucking up against Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster in a shopping center near the University of Delaware campus. The height of romance! As if the now infamous couple weren’t publicly shamed enough for their poor choice of sex location on St. Patty’s Day, authorities are looking for them because, well, having sex against a dumpster in broad daylight is considered a “lewd act.”
We’re all for having an adventurous sex life and we understand first hand how easy it is to err in judgement while highly intoxicated, and YET, dumpster sex, no matter how horny or wasted is just wrong. For future reference, here are some other places too disgusting to do it.
1. A bathroom overrun by black mold. While we might be split on whether we consider bathroom hookups sexy or unhygienic, but I think we can all agree that the potential orgasm is not worth potentially contracting chronic emphysema.
2. In your parent’s bed. Might be time for therapy if you’re longing to bang in mom and dad’s room.
3. In a porta-john. Unless you’re into vomit play, there is nothing remotely hot about getting it on in a piss and shit-filled communal toilet with flies buzzing around your head.
4. On a city bus or subway. Put it to you this way, we’ve seen a number of bare-assed bums using public transpo seats as their living quarters.
5. In a swamp. Aside from the filth factor, there’s the alligator issue.
6. On top of a compost pile. Rotting garbage is good for your plants, bad for your vagina.
7. In a public pool. You’ve seen “Caddyshack,” right?
8. In a condemned building. You’ll thank us for saving you from having a ceiling collapse on your bare ass.
9. In the bathroom at Starbucks or Whole Foods. Also known as watering holes for those without homes.
10. On a park bench or bus stop. There are more sanitary, more private ways to take your partner for a ride.
11. In a funeral home. Freud thought there was a connection between sex and death. In theory, this might be so, in practice it’s creepy to screw in the presence of a bunch of embalmed bodies.
12. On top of a pile of used jockstraps. Congrats on finding your way into a guy’s locker room! Slap an ass with a towel and get out of there.
13. At a kill animal shelter. If your libido works here, you might have a defective soul.
14. On the floor of a hair salon. Sounds kind of hairy…
15. In the McDonald’s ball pit. There are other ways to make the most out of balls.
16. At a high school baseball field dugout. A home run in every sense of the word, but also, a place where kids will see you having sex. So, not a place to score.
17. In a janitor’s closet. What exactly are you planning to do with that mop handle?
18. In a garden shed. Mice, spiders and snakes, OH MY!