You never need an elaborate explanation to turn down sex. “I’m not in the mood” or “I don’t want to” are perfectly acceptable — no further details necessary. But usually there’s a more specific reason we don’t want to hit it. Often it has nothing to do with you and your inherent sexiness. Like, we had brussels sprouts for lunch and our lower abdomen feels like a Whoopee cushion about to explode. That’s an awfully awkward thing to have say out loud. But maybe it will help you to know the truth. Here are some more really embarrassing reasons we say no sex. Nothing personal. We swear. We’ll be ready to go again after we’ve spent 24 hours farting in our bed…alone.
1. You have horribly stinky gas. See above. Brussels sprouts are so yummy and so not conducive to fooling. Do we really have to choose?
2. Your vagina is feeling cranky. It may be the last day of your period or it’s a little itchy and you’re assessing whether or not you have a yeast infection. Whatever the reason, vaginas tend to get cranky and demand ME time. We have no choice but to honor her when she’s in that place.
3. You’re not in the headspace. Meaning, you care more about the “Breaking Bad” finale right this moment. Or you have a stressful meeting at work in the morning that’s preventing you from giving sex your full and undivided attention.
4. You had sex with someone else already today. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping with more than one person, but sometimes more than one person in one day can get overwhelming.
5. You just did your hair/makeup/spray tan and don’t want to mess it up. You know you’re going to show up at that wedding with a JBF hairdo and raccoon eyes if you roll around right now. As much as you might want it, you’re gonna have to wait until after the party.
6.You saw a picture of Farrah Abraham making a plaster mold of her vagina and you never want to have sex again. Some things really affect you to the point of having to take time out and reassess your sexuality. Thanks a million, Farrah.
7. You’ve got a zit in an embarrassing area. Or an ingrown hair. Your partner probably wouldn’t even notice, but you’ll be thinking about that ass pimple the entire time.
8. You haven’t shaved in a hot minute. This depends on your views about body/pubic hair. For some of us, it’s like whatever. For others, whether or not the person you’re sleeping with cares, an unruly bush might keep you from enjoying yourself.
9.You already went to the gym, so a second workout is not an option. Sometimes we’re too sore from spinning to ride you. If you wanna do all the work, be our guest. But we’re not doing anything besides laying back and receiving.
10. You’re pretty sure you will have to poop soon. Sometimes sex makes us have to poop urgently. Unless you’re into that kind of thing, we’d prefer not to poop on you.
11. You don’t feel like finding public hair in your sheets for the next couple of days. Doing laundry is a bitch. Sometimes we want our sheets to stay pube,lube and bodily fluid free for just one night.
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