Girl Talk: The Condom Commandments
Posted by: Ami Angelowicz
Filed in:
sex
1:50PM, Tuesday August 11th 2009
Imagine this: You’re a young, single woman out in the jungle that is the urban dating world. One fine summer night, you meet a good-looking guy at a rooftop party. “Hello,” he says, as you push your way through the crowd toward the makeshift bar. “Do I know you?” you ask. “No, but I’d like to get you another drink,” he offers. You are charmed. “Of course—but be careful. They’re pouring heavy tonight,” you warn. He laughs. Before long, you and the young man are conversing while throwing back stiff vodka tonics. Soon, you are making out. Why not, right? He invites you home with him. You agree. You are pleasantly surprised when you arrive at his swanky, apartment, and it’s clean! Before long, you’re both naked. Then, he utters some alarming words. “Do you have a condom?” he asks. “Um ... Not on me. Don’t you have one?” you ask. “Can we skip the condom? I prefer sex without a condom. I have great self-control,” he explains.
Suddenly, he is no longer so charming. “I don’t know you,” you say. But he persists. “I won’t come inside you ... Please?” he begs. OMFG! WTF? Have I been magically transported back to 1969?
Awkward and unsettling, right? I share this story with you—which is a composite I collected from a few friends—because it’s been brought to my attention that an anti-condom trend is rearing its ugly head out there in Singleland. When I took a poll of single women, most said their recent partners had been more than willing to sheath the sword. An unsettling number said that they’d been pressured to throw down sans protection. Some split. Some went for it.
This might come as a shocker to most guys: Women hate condoms, too! We think they feel weird and clinical! For this reason, it is particularly hard to be put in the position of “policewoman” in the bedroom. Still, we know we have to because, well, STDs and accidental pregnancies are scary. Condom etiquette is something that single women don’t discuss nearly enough. If we are being put in this position—even occasionally—we need some open dialogue to take some of the awkwardness and confusion out of these situations. So, we have for you our eight condom commandments. No matter what your views are about casual sex, dating, or relationships, it’s important to know where you stand on condoms before the moment “arises.”
- If you’re thinking about sleeping with someone, and they haven’t brought up the condom issue yet, what are you waiting for? Speak up. Let them know your deal. Ask about recent STD testing and tell them if you’re on birth control or not. Even if it kills the moment. It’s really important.
- Always keep condoms at home and in your purse, should you need them in a sticky situation. Better to be safe than sorry. It is not the guy’s responsibility to make sure he has condoms. It takes two, baby.
- Make sure he pulls the condom out properly after sex to prevent spillage. Yes, you need to be aware of this, as well. Help the fellow out. And you can’t flush that bad boy down the toilet. Wrap it up in tissue, and put it in the trash.
- If a condom breaks, both partners should wash themselves with soap and water. If the breakage is discovered after ejaculation, having a separate spermicide handy to apply may help. Go to the doctor as soon as possible for emergency contraception and/or STD testing.
- Always use a condom with one-night stands, hookups, or people you are dating non-exclusively. Even if you are on birth control. This is non-negotiable. Don’t get carried away in the moment. Remember the anxiety and stress you may feel in the coming days. It’s not worth it. Even if a man promises not to come inside you, tell him: “No, you won’t do anything inside of me.”
- If you are dating someone exclusively or you’re in a long-term relationship, get tested together after three months, and then make a mutual decision about birth control.
- You can never be too careful. Many women have expressed regret over not using a condom even while in a committed relationship after they found out their partner cheated.
- Insert (no pun intended) your own rules here.
What are your rules for condom etiquette? How have you handled awkward condom situations?
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Humble Bee
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
I ALWAYS use a condom. I will not f*ck without a condom. My partner of 4 years, had to beg me to stick in with no rubber. I think I act a bit like the ‘policewoman’, I always tell my friends that they better use condoms, and they all come back like little school kids with an ‘A’, saying, I used a condom, aren’t you proud of me?
MY mom has 8 kids, and I dont want children so, I definitely don’t want any surprises PLUS STD’s. NO thanks.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]
I can sum this up in 1 rule:
DON’T BE A DUMBASS.
skywalk
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]
I’ve been with my husband 11 years and married 5 years and we always use them because we don’t want kids. I can’t remember to take a daily pill to save my life (I’ve been off and on with birth control for other health reasons and I can never take the pill every day at the same time). That said when my husband and I were younger we both tried the “pull out” method with other people and guess what we both had an unplanned pregnancy. But luckily neither of us caught anything what is self control got to do with STD’s.
Coral
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
My boyfriend of 3 years once said how we didn’t need to use condoms, considering I was also on Depo-Provera. He said that because I loved him, I would do anything for him. But I responded, “No, if you love me, you will wear a condom because I certainly don’t want kids and you should rather spend a couple of dollars now than spending child support for 18 years.” Well it worked, and he never brought the issue up again. And if any guy ever magically doesn’t have a condom, that’s okay, because I always keep them too.
ChoJinn
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]
I hate condoms. There, I said it. Women who depend on them exclusively for birth control should probably educate themselves.
http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/birthcontro1/a/pregratebcmeth.htm; http://www.americanpregnancy.org/preventingpregnancy/birthcontrolfailure.html; http://www.pregnancy.org/article/latex-condoms-have-slight-edge-pregnancy-rates
“My partner of 4 years, had to beg me to stick in with no rubber. “
Stick it in with no rubber, haha. I appreciate your grasp of sexual behavior. Not exactly something to be proud of, though. So for four years you 1) weren’t on some other birth control; and 2) didn’t trust him? Don’t know who your partner is but he should be given the Medal of Why, Exactly?. Must be an open relationship.
Protection against STDs is of course important. However, I think the media overblows the practical occurrence rates of such things. I cannot wait for a male-pill to become FDA approved. IMHO, condoms have no place in a birth-controlled, monogamous relationship, and I’d be highly suspicious of any partner who demands I tolerate one: what does she have, who else is she playing slip and slide with, etc.
joyy
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
@ChoJinn - that’s a bit harsh, buddy. A lot of women have terrible experiences with “other birth control” (methods with higher efficacy rates than condoms, usually hormones), which could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for using condoms.
I do whole-heartedly agree with the sentiment that condoms-only is an irresponsible long-term birth control option (which is why I have an IUD), but a) they are better than nothing and b) have their place as backup in conjunction with other methods.
ChoJinn
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 02:22 pm: [report]
@joyy: I agree that hormonal side effects may be a compelling reason to go with condom 100% of the time, and I should’ve qualified my earlier statement as such. However, in my personal experience women eschew such measures most often because they can’t find a way to take the pill as prescribed, and not because it makes them gain five pounds. Condoms are better than nothing, and certainly better than an unwanted pregnancy.
fallonthecity
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
@ChoJinn: Weight gain is at the very bottom of the list of the side effects of hormonal birth control. Some women just can’t tolerate it; it makes them sick or miserable. Even if a woman simply doesn’t want to put artificial crap in her body, shouldn’t that be good enough reason for her to insist on another form of birth control?
fallonthecity
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]
I should qualify that by saying “worrisome side effects.” I would guess 5 or 10 pounds of weight gain wouldn’t deter a woman who can otherwise tolerate hormonal birth control well, and wanted to use it.
joyy
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
@ChoJinn - Gaining five pounds would be more than worth the effort if it was the only side affect, and any woman who can’t handle being 5 lbs heavier probably has major issues to begin with. Hormones contributed to years of emotional turmoil to the point that it was affecting my day to day life, my relationship, my libido, and my sanity, despite my ability to take the damn thing on time every.single.day for years.
And really, there’s nothing wrong with using condoms as backup even in conjunction with the pill or other highly effective method (only abstinence is 100% after all). After I graduated from college, I lightened up a bit, but still, why discourage anyone living by “better safe than sorry” in a reasonable manner? Would you really pressure someone who really mattered to you to put their reproductive health at risk (even just in the case of not wanting babies) against their better judgement and comfort level?
Also, I know way more girls who were bulldozed by the side effects of bc than were just unable/unwilling to “find a way to take the pill as prescribed.”
Silliemunkie
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 02:53 pm: [report]
If in a committed monogamous relationship, and children are not desired, and hormonal birth control is not an option, why not seek other alternatives? A vasectomy is a fairly non-invasive procedure, and almost guarantees you won’t have to worry about children. There is alway a possibility that the procedure didn’t work, but that is why the doctors want follow up visits.
This also revolves around good communication. if it’s a one night thing, then with out a doubt, a condom. if you are in a committed relationship, then why do you still feel the need?
LostInStars
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
I’m in a committed monogamous relationship. We both got tested, and I got on the pill. Condoms have been gone ever since. Obviously if we ever broke up whoever I ended up with next would use condoms until we were really serious and we were both tested.
sadie
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 03:34 pm: [report]
“condoms have no place in a birth-controlled, monogamous relationship, and I’d be highly suspicious of any partner who demands I tolerate one: what does she have, who else is she playing slip and slide with, etc. “
I disagree. We are married and use them. It’s because I’m allergic to semen, not because I’m “playing slip and slide” or have something. When used correctly, condoms are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy. I have used condoms every time I’ve ever had sex, probably 1000s of times at this point. Never been pregnant.
All hormonal contraceptives come with the warning that side effects may include death (or as they prefer to say, “heart attack or stroke”). So even if I didn’t have an allergy, I’d probably still choose not to use them. My husband also prefers the minor annoyance of condoms over the major devastation of me dropping dead of a stroke or heart attack thanks to clots induced by birth control.
Davy.Biggie
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 04:10 pm: [report]
Being a male I look at it this way. I’ll use Jimmy’s as long as I’m single and not engaged/married. Only once have I done it without one and it is a funny story how it happened and it was with my current partner. I got so worried. I look at sex without a condom as something I can appreciate when I find the right woman. until then I like not having STD’s and not being a single parent. The pluses outweigh the minuses.
White Mushroom
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 04:51 pm: [report]
My husband and I have been together seven years and we’ve never used a condom once. I was on the pill when we met. I actually went off the pill for an entire year when we were trying to have a baby, before I ended up getting pregnant. We’d both been recently tested for STDs when we met too. I’m not knocking condoms. Just saying we’ve never used one.
Lola
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 07:12 pm: [report]
I always carry condoms with me just for those instances. As for using other forms of birth control, for my body I honestly can’t use any type of hormones without out it reeking havoc on my system. Condoms all the way 100% of the time.
stiffinp
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 08:17 pm: [report]
Say girls. Do condoms really feel that weird?
Gingee
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 09:04 pm: [report]
No glove, mo love.
Red_Lady
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 10:44 pm: [report]
@ stiffinp: I don’t really notice a difference between using a condom or not. So I definitely support use of a condom: it’s safer, less messy, and reduces worrying over possible pregnancies.
carofiro
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 10:50 pm: [report]
I think it feels a little more intimate without a condom. But I only use that for when I’m in a committed relationship. I stay on birth control even when not in a relationship because it levels me out and helps with acne/menstrual problems. I don’t hate condoms per se, but I think it’s nice to be more spontaneous (and actually less expensive) in a relationship. With the pill it can be as cheap as $5 a month for generics and health insurance.
MissChaotic
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 11:43 pm: [report]
For those of you who think that the only side effects that come with birth control are weight gain and other trivial matters, think again.umum
I have had to stop usage of birth control 2 separate times because it has induced severe depression. There are so many women who have to deal with emotional instability due to the hormones.
Also, some women have severe sensitivities to synthetic estrogen to the point where they have severe headaches, nausea, changes in vision, etc.
So to say its ridiculous to make someone in a committed long term relationship rely on condoms solely is a one-sided statement.
Just saying.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 07:14 am: [report]
ChoJinn: You chided someone else on their ignorance yet you have exposed yourself as the most ignorant of all on this post or you live in a dream world where viruses and bacteria never touch your precious genitals. Most women know the different methods of birth control but that is not the most important reason to use condoms. No man sleeps with me unless he wears a condom. If a long term relationship happens, then after, say, a year or so, then the condom can come off but only after the man has had a test for infections and continues to have yearly checkups. I like sex but I’m not going to die for it because some man whines about using a condemn. And, you, personally may want to learn some self-respect. YOU don’t know a new partner’s sexual history upon meeting them, do you?
maroon
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 07:52 am: [report]
What’s with all the Frisky talk lately about ditching the rubbers? From a site that I’ve esteemed to be about empowering women and exploring sexuality, this equates to me as a site for skydivers suddenly talking about jumping without a reserve chute because it enhances the experience of the freefall.
My boyfriend and I (who are probably on our way down the aisle at some point) have been together for a long time, and we still use two methods of protection- BCP and condoms. While we love and trust each other and each of us has been tested all along the way, we both feel more comfortable doing it this way. I can’t begin to imagine the look on his face if I told him to stop wrapping it. Maybe eventually when we’re married, but even then that would take some serious forethought and other planning.
ChoJinn
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 08:28 am: [report]
@Freddy: My genetalia are precious.
“If a long term relationship happens, then after, say, a year or so, then the condom can come off but only after the man has had a test for infections and continues to have yearly checkups.”
That’s fine.
“I like sex but I’m not going to die for it because some man whines about using a condemn.”
Didactic much? Or maybe have some homosexual or African friend succumb? Doubt it, so relax. Nobody ever knows anyone’s history, really, so that egotistical crutch goes right out the window.
joyy
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
@ChoJinn - “Or maybe have some homosexual or African friend succumb?” I know that statistically, those numbers are (or at least used to be) higher for the two demographics you mentioned, but you realize how effing racist/bigoted/retarded you sound by saying this, right?
AIDS is an equal opportunity killer.
H. Blue
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
@ChoJinn- there are things other than pregnancy to prevent with condoms. Men are carriers of HPV, several strains of which can cause cervical cancer. Once a woman has the kind that causes cervical cancer, she often has to go through a VERY uncomfortable procedure which can also be painful. Sometimes she needs to go through it multiple times. It can be very frightening.
And meanwhile the dude is walking around just dipping his wick in whatever and whomever and not knowing he’s spreading it around. Because they don’t test men.
pornqueen
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
OMG, OMG, OMG!!! I just went thru hell and back this weekend because of a condom. Ladies, please, please, please carry a condom with you at all times. Do not rely on the guy to have one. I’ve been messing around with this guy for a couple of months now and things got hot and heavy…he didn’t have a condom and I was out as well…turns out that I let him “stick it” with out a rubber (I know, I know stupid!) and he pulled out but not quick enough and there might have been a few of his soldiers in me. I am on birth control but just the thought of those little guys managing to get to my egg was terrifying… I actually got the Plan B stuff. The anxiety I felt throughout this weekend had taught me a lesson. Do not let your hornyness impair your judgement!!!!
skywalk
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
@pornqueen: if your on birth control pregnancy will be the least of your worries. I hope he is clean and clear if you know what I mean.
nicole0X
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
haha love the puns- “It’s important to know where you stand on condoms before the moment ‘arises.’”
Seriously though, don’t be a fool. Wrap your tool. I just got out of a 3 year relationship (no condoms for about 2.5 of those years) and as crappy as it is to use them again, it’s DEFINITELY worth avoiding all that unnecessary anxiety about pregnancy and STDs.
Gingee
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]
Contraception is the responsibility of both people. I insist that the guy uses a condom always. Even if he’s had a vasectomy, he can still carry the HPV virus.
My health vs. some guy’s snotting over wrapping his member: Not even close to being a contest.
Wrap it or take it elsewhere.
DancingGeek
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 07:14 pm: [report]
I carry latex and non latex, no excuses!
maxx80
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 10:52 pm: [report]
For your protection use condom!
TCH Entertainment
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 08:18 pm: [report]
And for all these reason is why we sell condoms yes you can actually buy 1000 condoms from http://www.tchwholesale.com for only $180.00 I could not belive it when the vendor offered us supreme pricing so guy and girls before you get your freak on remember us and cover it up!
_jsw_
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 08:25 pm: [report]
@TCH Entertainment: Thanks for the
sales linkadvice. What’s the expiration date on those 1000 condoms, which’d take an entire year to go through at three times a day?*sam*
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 08:34 pm: [report]
@jsw: ah, true. but only 1/2 as long if you’re doing it in an orgy 3xs a day
..just sayin’
_jsw_
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]
@*sam*: I had no idea you knew of such things.
*sam*
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 08:41 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: not first hand, per se (after all, I did move to NC after all). but my BS degree let me figure out the math
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 08:53 pm: [report]
You peeps have it all wrong. Just have several orgies a month and it all pays off, especially if you switch condoms before finishing if you know what I mean.
_jsw_
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 08:53 pm: [report]
@*sam*: You’ve just proven the benefit of a college education. Thank you.
_jsw_
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 09:04 pm: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: You’ve just proven the benefit of joining a frat. Thank you.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 09:09 pm: [report]
@JSW: I take offense to your statement, because I am indeed part of a fraternity. I don’t call your country a ‘c|_|nt’ so don’t call my fraternity a ‘frat’. It’s belittling and I wont stand for it.
_jsw_
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 10:57 pm: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: Clearly not. You’re quite obviously sitting.
TCH Entertainment
wrote on August 16 2009 @ 12:24 am: [report]
You guys are to funny! I started some buzz and buzz is always good! the funny thing is that we really do sell them in 1000 roll but also in smaller less demanding rolls to fit everybodys desire. Think of condoms like tires they are the most important thing on a car yet we always forget about taking care of them. Have fun everybody and enjoy the link http://www.tchwholesale.com
Vitally_Florin
wrote on August 16 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
My boyfriend and I are in a committed relationship. I am on birth control, and for the first several months, we kept it up with the condoms, but after a while, we found it better for the both of us without a condom if he was okay not to come inside of me. He does this well, and to me this seems like a good middle ground. I feel safe, but am curious what the masses think. Are condoms in a monogamous, hormonally controlled relationship, paranoid? Thoughts?
shannooonski
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 10:46 pm: [report]
condoms definately serve their purpose, but i really don’t enjoy using them with my boyfriend. it’s the feeling of having something between you. i was on the pill for 10 years but had to stop. tomorrow i’m going to give the nuva ring a try. hopefully it doesn’t make me a crying neurotic mess who has no sexual drive any more! haha worst case scenario..
best case scenario// bye bye condoms!
ChoJinn
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 12:13 am: [report]
Those Nuvarings pop out, so watch out!