Dater X: The Curse Of The Second Date
Posted by: Dater X
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Friday November 13th 2009
People always freak out about first dates. But as a 30-year-old woman who’s been dating on and off for, oh, the past decade, I’ve mastered the art of a first date. You meet and have a drink to loosen things up. You talk about what you do, what you’d like to be doing, and where you come from. If it’s not going well, you can tell within 10 minutes and get the heck out of there. If it is going well, the conversation juts out in complicated tangents. You find yourself laughing, and leaning in closer. You realize that the amount of information you have about someone is increasing exponentially each minute. There’s the thrill of when you accidentally touch each other. And then there’s the first kiss, where you find all sorts of lovely idiosyncrasies, like that the bad boy has the softest lips you’ve ever encountered. No, first dates are easy.
It’s second dates that I fear.
My first date with Chin Cleft was excellent. We’d exchanged a few emails on OKCupid, and he seemed like just my type—funny and whip smart. Since we happened to live in bordering New York neighborhoods, we met at a bar in between our apartments on a Wednesday night. I arrived first, and when he walked in, I was relieved that he was as hot as I’d expected. As he sat down, I couldn’t help but notice that he seemed nervous. He was obviously shy and a bit quieter than I am, but I liked that and did my best to make him feel comfortable. There was something sexy about him, and I kind of liked that he kept checking out my chest. By the end of the night, we were making out on one of the bar’s back couches. He walked me home and, after an awesome kiss, asked if I was free Saturday night.
On Saturday night, I found myself sitting across from Chin Cleft at his favorite Italian restaurant. We were only half way though the appetizers, and already the vibe felt off—we’d been talking about the weather for nearly 10 minutes. While I’d interpreted him as shy and sweet on our first date, now I felt like I was pulling teeth to get some real conversation going. Midway through dinner, I thought to myself, Maybe he just doesn’t have a lot to say?
But I wasn’t ready to give up. We had tickets to go see a band, and I wanted to give him more of a shot than that. Plus, I thought a few drinks could definitely help the situation. But at the club, it was the same—me asking all the questions, him giving shortish answers. When the band came onstage, we stopped talking to each other, except to exchange the occasional glance. Then, finally, he put his arm around my waist and leaned in for a kiss. And even his kiss wasn’t as blissful as what I’d remembered. Yeah, this just wasn’t the guy for me.
And still, I did something I do far too often when I’ve decided I’m not that into someone. “Want to come back to my place?” I asked.
Soon we were back at my apartment and I was straddling him on the couch as we made out. He slipped my shirt over my head and I did the same with his. From there, it was one of those sexual encounters that just went too fast—where, before you know it, your bra, skirt, and underwear are off and you’re completely naked in what feels like record time. So much for foreplay. Before I knew it, he was reaching for a condom. The sex was good—by no means great—but I’d had a month-long dry spell, so whatever. Afterward, he wrapped his arms around me and we cuddled. As my head lay on his shoulder, which was just a little too scrawny for my taste, I sort of wished he would leave.
Which kind of sucks considering that, 72 hours before, I’d been so excited about him. Darn you, second date.
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TinaLish
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
I don’t date. I don’t know why, but I never date. I think I can count on my hand the amount of dates I’ve had. I think I’m mildly scared of it and that’s why I shy away from dating.
amandabear
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
Thank you! I thought I was the only one who had this weird 2nd date curse. The first dates are awesome, we have tons of chemistry and easy conversation, but then we go out again and it’s awkward and the sparks are gone and I just want to run for the hills. It’s so frustrating.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
Dater X, cousin of Racer X, brother of Speed Racer!
H. Blue
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
Dating scares me too, but I don’t get asked out anyway. (in normal circumstances) I have tried several dating sites, and that’s where I meet guys. It almost never gets past a first date. And usually the first date ends with both parties having stayed too long out of politeness and saying “I’ll call you” or “we should do this again” but knowing very well that it will never ever happen.
I think dating scares me because rejection scares me, and I just assume that that’s what will happen. I rarely worry “what if I don’t like him?” It’s always “what if he doesn’t like me/thinks I’m ugly/thinks I’m too fat?”
Strangely, the ones who seem to have any interest are the ones it’s difficult to have a conversation with, or who have some combination of issues I’m not prepared to deal with. At present, I find dating too soul-destroying to want to attempt.
lindseylee21
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]
I’d just love to know why, if the vibe was so off, you banged him on the second date????? I just don’t think I could be THAT hard up, to bang someone that fast especially if I wasn’t even really into them.
MoodyhotDecember
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
dating sucks!
nicole0X
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
I just got into this whole dating scene.. after being with my ex since college. The whole first and second date thing fascinates me. My first date with a hottie I met at a bus stop went really well- we ate, laughed, shared a few beers, and really connected. The second date was an awkward mess (read: TRAIN WRECK). Let’s just say he brought up Jesus and original sin. I’m neither religious nor opposed to religion, but it got real weird. We haven’t talked since.
BedRocka
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]
all about expectations ... as a guy I realized all the cred you built after Date on is gone out the window ... Date 2 build from scratch again so same low expectations of Date one should be maintained till date 6 or 7 when the dog and pony show should be winding down and the true person appears unless they are a banging a$$ actor or actress!
DancerNinja
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
I hate dating. It’s only mildly better than job hunting. I usually meet boyfriend through mutual friend or through hobbies.
daciad
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]
I don’t know what you all are talking about. I love dating! It’s like an adventure, good or bad. Good, I get a little confidence boost and a great time/conversation. Bad, I get to laugh about it over drinks the next night with my best gal-pal. I guess I’m just really laid back and figure when it’s right, it’s right and if it’s not, oh well, onto the next one!
MissPepper
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
I’ve never made it to a second date. The first dates are just SO BORING. It’s like you said, I have to do all the talking. What’s wrong with men?
xifeng882
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
I have a 100% success rate with first dates (if you call getting second date a success) but I rarely ever go for those. Its hard to find someone I find stimulating these days and I’m not ready to dive into my friend pool yet…
ScarlettTrinity
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]
I have yet to experience the “first date” and “second date” situation for myself but here is the reason why… I don’t date. Well, let me rephrase that, I don’t go on dates to test compatibility or after meeting a guy. I have only been on a handful of what I would call a true blue date and those were with my now ex-boyfriend. If I went on a date before it was with guy friends and neither of us considered it to be a date.
I think it is much easier to just hangout and get to know a person without having all the strings of a date to tie you up. It is a method which has helped me weed out many guys who I thought would work who were attractive and super cool but I knew wouldn’t be good boyfriend material for me.
secretsquirrel
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 03:23 pm: [report]
I’m with daciad! Dating is fun and if you’re laid back and not expecting the Romance of the Century, you can enjoy yourself. Good or bad, you laugh and get on with life.
secretstevie
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]
@DancerNinja - I laughed out loud when you compared dating to job hunting. So true!
BlueVibe
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 04:34 pm: [report]
I don’t worry about first OR second dates, but then it takes me way longer than two dates to get naked. The first couple of dates are for figuring each other out, not for burning through it all in one shot. Sheesh.
ScarlettTrinity
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 07:49 pm: [report]
@BlueVibe- Me too.
dsedwards12
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 09:07 am: [report]
This isn’t a gender specific thing. I’ve been on second dates where I was like “Who are you and what happened to the firecracker from last weekend?” I think most people just work themselves up about the second date. She turns introvert and I can’t get two whole sentences out of her, or she won’t shut up about things her friend’s mother told her about their neighbor’s sister. Frankly by the end of most second, sometimes first, dates it’s all I can do to not think about how I’m missing mythbusters and a beer.
draymond
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]
Dataing has become too ritualized. Maybe it is a side effect of online dating sites that have turned dating into a formalized process with profiles and prequalifying criteria, etc. Also maybe too many ‘dating advice’ sites??? I hear people say, as some of the comments here, that “I don’t date, I just hangout and get to know people” Well, that was what dating was, or at least what it was while I was in high school and college longer ago than I like to admit.
Still I look at the description above and can see all sorts of red flags.
Most people have a set of rules regarding how intimate they will go on a first encounter with someone (‘date’ or otherwise). Sure they might grant an exception, but they know it is an exception and they know why they are giving it.
But people often dont have a similar rule for second encounters. Its whatever happens happens. But internally they have expectations. If too little happens then the second date was a flop and if too much happens then they feel like after a one-night-stand. If DaterX had a rule of ‘nothing beyond…...unless the vibe is still very special’ then this wouldn’t have happened.
Another place where I think a rule is recommended is that first sex with someone new (no matter if you ‘count’ is in single, double, or triple digits) should not be a fast event unless you are looking for it to be a one night stand. And a corrolary to that rule should be that just because a condom has come out does not mean that forplay has ended and penetration has to immediately occur.
And here is a guy secret girls…men want it slow most of the time but feel performance pressure to be fast. Ask any guy which would they rather hear: “I want you in me now and fast” or “I want you to kiss every inch of me”.
dlc910
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]
Wow. Yeah, if you weren’t that into him, maybe banging him at the end of the date was a bad idea. I assume you didn’t want a third date? If a guy did that to a girl alot of people would yell about what a jerk the guy is.
Pamela
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]
@BlueVibe, I think DaterX’s reason for sleeping with the guy was, well, sleeping with the guy. She already knew he wasn’t the great guy she thought he was, but I’m sure he was still hot
hahah so how can you throw away a chance like that? At least there was something positive about the second date
Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]
Pamela - I agree.
dlc910 - what “a guy would do” is irrelevant. Why do some people feel a need to turn everything into a “tit-for-tat” situation when clearly there is none?
Who cares if a “guy did that to a girl alot of people would yell what a jerk the guy is.” What does that matter?
You are the only person in your head and you can’t live your life for other people or because what you think other people find acceptable. When it comes down to it, you are responsible for YOUR actions and yours alone.
autumn_dust
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
I agree with you on this whole second date thing. They’re so awkward!!
I think the idea is to consider the second date at the same level as a first date, where you expect the unexpected. Despite the fact that you might hit it off on the first date, you should not expect that on the second date. Treat it as a “part two” of the first date, not a step above the first date.
It’s all so confusing! Trust your gut, expect the unexpected, and don’t get carried away too soon.
Ami Angelowicz
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
Why is this sooo true? And then if by some miracle the second date happens to be good - everything usually falls apart on the 3rd or 4th.
bogart4017
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]
I havent dated in years and from what i’m reading i’m not missing a thing.
SCRMOM
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
I’ll second that, bogart4017.
27intelligent
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
the second date sucks so i will pass
Leo's Bird
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 03:43 pm: [report]
Most of my first and second date experiences were with people I already knew fairly well, and turned into relationships (some only lasting a couple weeks, but still). The few that were unknowns ended after the first date, both times cuz I just wasn’t that into them.
I do agree that there is a weird awkward phase in between “Wow! Everything about you is new! We have lots to talk about!” and “Comfy” that I pretty much hate. Blah, dating!
tinierthanthou
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 09:23 pm: [report]
The first thought that popped into my head when I read this was, Who the hell sleeps w/ a guy on the 2nd date? Much less a 2nd date w/ someone you’ve decided “isn’t the guy for you”...& plus this was an someone she met from online dating—it’s not as though she’d known him as an acquaintance or through mutual friends prior to this.
Yodar Critch
wrote on November 17 2009 @ 08:51 am: [report]
Of course, we only can go on what you wrote in your article, we have not heard his side of the story.
In describing your second date, you wrote “Maybe he just doesn’t have a lot to say?”. That may be true, but he may just not have a lot to say to YOU.
And describing later in the second date, you wrote “me asking all the questions”.
Could it be that you simply talked too much. Just asking a series of questions is not “getting to know someone”, instead it is interrogation. Perhaps you were talking about topics that were only interesting to you and not to him. Conversation should flow to topics of interest to both parties.
While you were at the concert, did you notice what you wrote? When you stopped talking and concentrated on the band, then he became affectionate (putting his arm around you). This may be a clue worth reflecting on.
Perhaps it was you who was worried, nervous and talking too much?
Granted that I am a dinosaur, but making out on the first date (in the back of a bar no less!) and then having sex on the second date? You are nothing if not easy.
Perhaps a little more effort in getting to know him as he is and not how you would like him to be and less easy sex might make your dating a little more productive. Not that there is anything wrong with sex, but you might want to get to know the guy a bit first.
And like some of the other posters, I can not understanding having sex with someone you are not connected with. Talk about sending mixed signals. No wonder he boinked you and left. He got what he wanted and what did you get….besides a reputation of an easy lay?
I can imagine what this guy told his friends
“I met this cute girl and she seemed nice, but she would not shut up. But she was easy so I scored. Wait a week or two and you guys can tag her.” Is that what you want?
You, of course, have the right to live your life the way you chose, but then you have to accept the consequences of your choice.
candyman
wrote on November 17 2009 @ 09:02 am: [report]
I think we expect instant magic when it comes to dating and relationships. If you CONTROL yourself on the first few dates, and pretend you’re just out with a FRIEND, you take the burden off yourself and your date. You don’t have to hook up right away!
triplem
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 08:21 am: [report]
??? She got exactly what she wanted—she said she had been in a “dry spell,” so she scratched her sexual itch with a guy that she knew BEFORE THE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER HAPPENED that she wasn’t interested in having a relationship with. So she doesn’t care that he “boinked her and left”—she didn’t want any more than that with this guy, anyway.
For some women (it seems a minority, I’ll concede that, or maybe it’s just that that’s what most women say because they’re afraid to admit what they truly feel because of judgmental folks like you—“easy”? Really? So is the guy involved) sex doesn’t always have to be about flowers, romance, fluffy bridal gowns, and cooing babies.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s the best thing in the world when it is like that, but . . . it’s pretty damn good otherwise, too.
Jitterbugs232
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 08:42 am: [report]
Dating is fun, you just have to set your limits
candyman
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
have really clicked with online dating. the overseas kind. you have to really get to know eachother for a long time before you actually meet. it’s the old fashioned way.
INTPLibrarian
wrote on November 19 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
Wow, judgmental much, all you people hyping on the 2nd date sex? Just because YOU wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it wrong.
@Yodar Critch: Don’t know what to say since you already labeled yourself “a dinosaur.” First, who the hell cares if someone has a reputation for being easy? Better that then being a judgmental bitch, IMO. “Perhaps you were talking about topics that were only interesting to you and not to him. ” Uhm, wouldn’t that be a good indicator that they don’t have similar interests? Not a good match for a relationship? Yet, they obviously each thought the other was physically attractive, so why throw away a good opportunity for some sex?
@tinierthanthou: You misspelled “holierthanthou”
@lindseylee21: A girl can only have sex with a hot guy if she’s hard up? Huh. Interesting.
@BlueVibe: Comments like yours I can completely understand… until the “Sheesh.” Until that, I read it as “Wow, that’s not what I would do…” but that turned it into “That’s not what YOU should do…”
Look, I won’t judge any of you for not having sex early on in dating or with a guy you find attractive but don’t want to date, K? Just be kind enough to do the same.
the rebel angel
wrote on November 19 2009 @ 06:48 pm: [report]
I totally agree with the take on the second date curse—I don’t do the second date unless the first was stellar.
As for the sex on the second date commentary, I totally agree with INTPLibrarian—I am actually shocked at the prudish comments of some of the posters here.
Given the subject matter of this website and the liberal viewpoints expressed here, I would have thought folks with such judgemental natured would have dropped off here ages ago.
landesign
wrote on November 19 2009 @ 07:10 pm: [report]
Who still judges a person if they have sex on the second date, or even the first?
I do think it wise, after intimacy, to stop seeing anyone else until you’ve figured out where this lustful
moment is going to lead.
Hey, just one man’s opinion.
DancingGeek
wrote on November 19 2009 @ 07:15 pm: [report]
The mere thought of dating fills me with dread! I guess I’m just not ready yet.
candyman
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
it’s very hard to separate sex from emotion, it just breaks down a wall and injects just a little bit of that person into you. so i think it pays to get to know someone. plu the risks you take (is he a serial killer? does she boil rabbits? does he/she have herpes or HIV???)i am NOT judging anyone! just saying it doesn’t HURT to wait. thanks!
FriskyDrew
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 08:02 pm: [report]
All, including DaterX
This is a great blog about how different first and second dates can be… In fact, I would say that any time in the first few dates, there could be unexpected changes where we just know it’s not going to work.
As for all the talk about sexual ethics (make out first date, sex on second or third date, vs. awkward first dates with no touching and lots of talk about roses with sex after numerous dates) I have to say “That’s nice” in a Southern way that implies “Whatever.”