Dear Wendy: Why Won’t He Say “I Love You”?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:20AM, Thursday August 13th 2009
Yesterday, I received a letter from a reader who’s frustrated by how long it’s taking her boyfriend to say the “L” word. After the jump, her letter and my advice.
Hi Wendy,
I’ve been dating a guy for 8 months and in April we decided not to see any other people. I should say that we’re in a long distance relationship. We really care about each other, and have shown it in numerous ways: I send him cards and care packages frequently, we call each other numerous times a day, we email each other throughout the day, I’ve met his family (informally, though), we always tell each other how much we miss the other, etc. We always have so much fun with each other, and when we’re together, we’re sewn to the other one’s hip.
Even though things are going pretty well, in the back of my mind there’s a lot of hesitation. I have told him numerous times (although I was inebriated at those times) that I really like him and haven’t felt this way before. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I’d even say that I was head-over-heels-in-love with him. But, now I’m not sure. Every time he goes back home, I feel really sad and cry a bunch. But, the last time, I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been waiting for him to tell me how he really feels about me, because I’m unsure, or what. I don’t want to be pushy, manipulate the relationship, scare him off, or anything like that. I want to enjoy my time with him and for everything to be natural and easygoing.
I should say in April, when he asked me to officially be his girlfriend, he asked if I’ve ever been in love. Stunned by the question, I told him no, and left it at that. He then went on to say that he loves how easygoing I am, how I’m not like other girls he’s dated, and asked me to promise to always stay that way (i.e. easygoing, no drama). I didn’t ask him any questions, like if he’s been in love, or why he was asking. Since then, there’s been no talk of love. What’s going on? While I agree with you that a man should be the first one to say “I love you,” I’m tired of not knowing how he truly feels. What should I do? I still love him, but not the way I used to (i.e. head-over-heels-crazy-in-love). He’s my first serious relationship, and I really want things to work out between us. I should say that we’re not that young, we’re both in our mid to late 20s. Thanks for all your help!—Confused
Last night, I had dinner with a friend who’s in the beginning stages of a long-distance relationship, and she recalled something her college psych professor said about LDRs. He told the class there were two things that impact the success of a long-distance relationship: 1) resources (how often you can afford to see each other), and 2) an end date (at what point will one or both of you move to be with the other?). “Do you agree with those?” she asked, knowing my own long-distance relationship was so successful we ended up getting married a couple weeks ago. “Yes,” I replied, “but I also think communication is even more important in an LDR than it is in relationships where both people live in the same area.” It sounds to me, Confused, that you need help with at least two of those three points.
If you’re tired of not knowing how your boyfriend feels about you, tired of not knowing where things are headed and whether the two of you have a future, why don’t you ask him? Asking a question you genuinely want and deserve to know the answer to isn’t being “manipulative” — it’s being emotionally honest. Maybe he’s waiting for you to ask. Maybe when he asked if you’d ever been in love, he was hoping you’d engage him in a conversation about your feelings. He told you what he loves about you, but did you tell him what you love about him? You say you didn’t ask him any questions in response to his inquiry, so perhaps he took that as a sign you weren’t ready to discuss your feelings.
Eight months is a long time to go without some reassurance that your “head-over-heels-crazy-in-love” feelings are being shared, particularly when you’re in a long-distance relationship and can’t physically see the other person all the time, so it makes sense you’re feeling confused. That giddiness one feels at the beginning of a relationship when the love is new and fresh and exciting is intensified when it’s articulated and shared with the other person. When you know your partner is right there with you, that love magnifies, it envelops you, it kind of takes over your life for a little while. But when you aren’t sure if your partner is there with you, it makes you question whether your feelings are actually real. If you knew he was “crazy in love,” would it change anything for you?
The window of opportunity for this relationship is closing; you’re already starting to emotionally pull away. Without some honest discussion about how you feel about each other and where you envision things going, there’s not going to be much of a future. You need answers. So buck up and ask the questions, Confused. You may or may not get an “I love you” from him, but chances are you’ll be a lot clearer about his feelings as well as your own. Good luck!
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at wendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Lynn
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]
I think she needs to calm down. No offense Confused, but if I just started being exclusive with someone in April, there is no way I would be saying “love” by now. My BF and I have been dating for two years, serious & exclusive for 1, and we just said “love” a couple weeks ago. I am well aware that we went way slower than most people, but my point is that maybe *he* wants to go slow, too. So maybe she has to decide if that is a deal-breaker. But I don’t think she can get mad at him for not saying “love” after only 4 months of exclusive dating. I don’t think that’s slow at all.
Mikee
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
You are being used for sex by a person who enjoys his lack of commitment and lack of responsibility. As my wise mother used to say, “Why pay for the cow when the milk is free?”
If he cannot commit to a monogamous relationship with you, with the responsibilities of marriage, you are wasting your life being used by him.
joyy
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
Communication - nailed it Wendy. Sounds like she isn’t trying to reach out to him at all, and that’s not going to solve any problems. Maybe his answer will be that he doesn’t love her/care for her like she does him, maybe his answer will be like Lynn’s guess, that he’s trying to take it slow/has some other legit reason to not be coughing up confessions of love. But you never know until you talk about it.
@Mikee, there’s something seriously wrong with anyone who gives love advice that likens women with cows. If you view a woman as property, though, go ahead and stick with your mom’s b.s.
bogart4017
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]
@mikee—-
Maybe i need to read it again but i don’t recall there being any mention of sex so how do you know?
Coral
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 03:18 pm: [report]
@Lynn: I so understand. I dated my ex boyfriend for 3 years, and although I told him I loved him after 2 months (and I did mean it), I told him after 2 years that I LOVED him and that I understood more what it meant.
onewriter
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 06:39 pm: [report]
hmmm there WASN’t any mention of sex….I think you’re jumping the gun too…As to the LOVE part. I was dating my guy for 5 months before I realized I loved him. I’ve only literally SAID it once to him in a serious conversation with him, but he knows how I fee.
GudrunBrangwen
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 10:57 pm: [report]
I agree with Wendy’s advice that Confused might need to open up and initiate a conversation with this guy, & that maybe he has even been expecting or hoping that he would do so. If he asked if she’d ever been in love, & she responded “no” without elaborating, he could be getting the message that she’s hesitant to talk about that stuff. He may be thinking that it’s usually the woman who initiates the “feelings” talk, or that since he asked her to be his girlfriend, it’s her turn now to take the next step. I’d be curious to know how he responded when she said stuff like “I’ve never felt this way before.”
In any case, the letter-writer sounds super anxious that if she asks any questions, she’ll be branded a drama queen or accused of rocking the boat. Hopefully he wouldn’t react that way; there’s nothing un-“easygoing” about asking the questions she wants to ask. Having a relationship discussion need not be an inquisition; it can be conducted with the same humor, empathy and give-and-take they would hopefully use when discussing any other important topic.
onewriter
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 11:08 pm: [report]
hear hear!!
FreeSpirit
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 12:43 am: [report]
If he loves you, he’ll tell you so. If he doesn’t, he won’t. Simple.
onewriter
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 01:20 am: [report]
It’s NOT that simple sometimes. There are many things stopping people from saying what they feel. Past relationships, past experiences, fear of rejection, fear of commitment, etc.
laniegil81
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 03:41 am: [report]
Tell what you feel to the man you love. Some man did not ask what they feel but deep in his heart, but the love he feel can’t explain.
Heather
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
Free Spirit,
That’s not true. An ex of mine said all the time how much he cared about me, loved me ... then wanted me to be OK with him sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, he sooo did NOT love me.
The guy I’m with now is much more an action guy. He’s attentive, sweet, caring ... he fixes stuff for me. He listens! And remembers stuff we talk about. He wants to be with me. He’s not afraid to make long-term plans. We’ve been dating five months. We’re serious and exclusive. I love him and I said it (when I was a wee bit tipsy, so I don’t know if he counts that). He hasn’t said Those Three Words to me, but I know he feels about me. Because it’s evident in his actions.
If I had to choose: lovely words, crappy actions vs. no words, wonderful actions, I know which one I’d pick.
Bym1971
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
I agree with Heather (also my name, isn’t that funny). I was married to a man who told me every day, over and over, that he loved me. While he had a girlfriend he was hiding from me.
I kicked him to the curb—good for me—and the man I’m with now SHOWS me every day how he feels about me. He’s considerate, funny, loves spending time with me—when I had surgery last year he not only came to the hospital to check on me, but he called me every day from work to make sure I wasn’t lifting anything I wasn’t supposed to lift (which included my cat). My ex would not have done ANY of that.
So yes, hearing the words is great, but at this point I’m taking actions over the words.
Dave The Rave
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 06:36 pm: [report]
Sometimes guys are just stuck with the stereotype that once we say “I Love You” that we are then ‘trapped’. He may be unwilling to take that next step. I had a woman try to impress me and I could not say those words. She was toying with me, anyway, so I was a bit ticked off at feeling “used” by her, as well.
Still, look within, do some soul-searching and perhaps have a “deep” discussion to see where things are.
mberry
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 12:11 am: [report]
It’s not so much he’ll tell you he loves you if he does. My boyfriend and I recently said we love each other for the first time. I told him I’d been waiting a month to hear it from him and he said he’d been waiting a month too because he’d been too scared to tell me. Guys don’t want to get rejected just like us girls; sometimes the girl has to say it first. It’s a big risk, but sometimes it’s rewarded.
chique82
wrote on August 16 2009 @ 11:36 pm: [report]
@heather, I also agree with Heather (and also my name too!!)Im dating someone seriously for about 6 months now…we are in a long distance relationship as well… he hasn’t said it, but im pretty sure he feels it. He has a very difficult time expressing his feelings, but for some reason, with him… those words aren’t neccessary. I feel his love everyday in his actions, and that is ok with me. When the day comes along where he feels comfortable enough, he can go ahead and he will be sure to have the same response back
BlueVibe
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 08:22 am: [report]
I think women are way too hung up on the “I love you” thing.
For one thing, in a LDR it’s going to be a lot harder 1) to get to the point where you really do love each other, and 2) for each of you to observe that the other one really does love you. Frankly, talk is cheap (as several commentors have already pointed out): You can say it till you’re blue in the face, but how do you treat each other?
My BF and I have incompatible work schedules and only see each other once a week, but he’s a good communicator. Not subtle, but straightforward. I have no expectation of him saying it any time soon, but I have no reason to think he won’t if he means it since he’s always been open. I’m sure not going to mess it up by panicking and pressing him about it.
freepeople1986
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
Thanks for this article. I was literally in the same predicament, except my 6 month relationship is about to go into an LDR, and not only had we yet to DTR but we also did not discuss his moving to a neighboring city to start grad school. I feared being the nagging girlfriend, because I knew he liked how laid back I was.
Seeing this post I was finally like “Okay. We are talking.” I was still casual about it, and even prefaced the conversation with “I want to make sure we are on the same page before something happens and I have to become that nagging annoying girlfriend.” I told him how I felt and also said he would have time to think about how he felt (i.e. he didn’t have to talk if he wasn’t ready at that particular moment) and that there was no right or wrong way to approach what we were going to do when he left, but that I just wanted a general feel for where he saw it going.
So, communication worked like a charm, and it looks like I’ll be making several trips up to see him and vice versa
. Plus, I think we just took it up a notch, since this conversation escalated into us talking about deeper and even more compelling personal things.
THANK YOU THE FRISKY!
Gingee
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 04:24 pm: [report]
Eight months is two months too long, if the Original Writer wants marriage or some other proof of committment.
John Molloy covers this far better, and with more tact than I ever could cover it, but I’d say today is the day to ask the man what are his plans for the future, and if he does not say Marriage, and that is what you want, walk away.
To the letter writer:
Dump him anyway. He’s already set his limitations: Girl should not change, easy going no drama, and translating from men into English, he has said that the two of you have no future, and why WOULD you love someone that controlling?