Why A Woman Shouldn’t Say “I Love You” First
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:30PM, Monday December 1st 2008
If I have a daughter one day, among the many things I’ll teach her will be how to tie her shoes, to look both ways before crossing the street, to never end a sentence with a preposition, and to always let the man say “I love you” first. I’ll give her plenty of other relationship tips, too, like how it’s perfectly okay to ask a guy out, to make the first move, to even propose, but when it comes to the “L” word, the ball’s in the guy’s court. When this issue came up last week in my list of 30 things a woman shouldn’t do before 30, it caused a bit of commotion. “What is this, the Victorian era?” wrote one commenter, “if you truly love someone, tell them. Otherwise you’re just playing outdated coquettish games.” Another commenter put it more diplomatically: “I don’t think I’ve ever said ‘I love you’ first, but someone has to do it. It’s okay to take a few risks.” I appreciate both arguments and understand the sentiments behind them, but at the risk of having my feminist card revoked, I think it’s naïve for a woman to utter those three little words before a man does.
Unlike asking a man out, making a move on him, or even proposing, there’s no action-based response to the first “I love you.” It’s all words, it’s all emotion. In that moment, he either loves you back or he doesn’t — you only hear the black or white of a ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ not the grey of “Well, I like you a whole lot and I could see myself falling in love with you, but I’m just not quite there yet.” And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they’re usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level. So what happens if you get there first and you say it and he’s not there yet? What happens when your “I love you” is met with a “thank you,” or worse, a dear-in-headlights look? Well, it stings, sure, but more than that, it can stop a perfectly happy and healthy relationship in its tracks before it’s even too far from the station.
If a woman asks a man out and he says ‘no,’ at least she knows where she stands with him and she doesn’t waste any time pining over someone who isn’t interested. Same thing goes if she makes a move on him and she’s rejected. If she’s in a serious relationship — one where the expression of love as been made clearly by both partners — and she’s eager to make a deeper commitment, there’s nothing wrong with proposing. At the very least, it’ll start a conversation of where the relationship is headed so the woman can decide for herself if and how long she’s willing to wait if man isn’t interested in getting married yet. But an “I love you” uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn’t feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn’t get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.
I guess my advice to my future daughter would be this: “If you love a man and want to have a long relationship with him, give him time to get there. If you think you’ve given him enough time and you’re ready to move on if he doesn’t feel the same way for you, then go ahead and tell him you love him. But only say those words if you’re prepared to let him go.” Then I’d teach her how to make my famous chili and do a one-handed cartwheel.
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WinkyFace
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
Not sure how I feel about this. While I appreciate your argument, sometimes a guy might be a big scaredy pants and doesn’t want to be rejected. Someone’s gotta say it first. I said it when I felt it, and I just so happened to be first. I even told my bf I didn’t want him to say it back just then because it would be so trite. I also wanted to say it because it was practically bursting from me, and I was afraid it would come out in an inopportune moment, like when I was drunk or while having sex. And I was 100% certain that when I said it, I would be prepared for the consequence, whether it was him running off or jumping for joy. I think, in the end, I knew that he loved me back, and it didn’t take him very long to say it back. Now he says it to me more than I say it to him. Sometimes you just need to do it first.
rachdach
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 06:22 pm: [report]
Also, you’re making this argument as if a woman saying “I love you” first could potentially ruin the relationship. You’re a really great feminist, if you think women should have to conceal their feelings so as to not risk -gasp- scaring off a man. What happens if the man says “I love you first” and the woman isn’t there yet? Are the repercussions not exactly the same? To make the general assumption that it takes men a lot longer to process their feelings is like saying that women rush into love, and that we shouldn’t express how we feel unless we’re certain our oh-so-powerful boyfriend dares to tell us first.
I don’t think the response to the 30 things never to do before you’re 30 warranted this kind of petty article whatsoever. I’m speaking objectively because I’ve been a relationship where my boyfriend told me first, and my current relationship, where I “took the plunge” (and apparently risked my entire future with him, according to your standards), and told him first. My current boyfriend is shy, and although he loves hearing me express the words to him, he conveys his love to me more effectively in other ways.
It’s unfortunate for your daughter that she’ll have to hear this advice. As for me, I will advise my daughter nothing of the sort. She’ll grow up thinking that a man doesn’t deserve to know of her true feelings unless he’s willing to tell her first. Lady, just because no one ever wanted to say it to you first doesn’t set a precedent for everyone.
And what about gay or bisexual women? Since according to you, they’re both able to process their feelings at the same time. Should they wait around with baited breath, preparing for the moment when they can utter it in perfect unison?
A stupid, stupid article, about a stupid, stupid topic.
afp1
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 06:28 pm: [report]
I still think a man takes just as much chance saying it as a girl. He’s afraid to say it too. If you have the strength and desire to say it then you should regardless of sex.
toyen
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 10:14 pm: [report]
I can only remember once that I said it first (or that stands out)... He didn’t say it back and even muttered something about how there were some things in my life I obviously needed to figure out first (Re: my career, possibly wanting to move)... The nerve. But I stayed with the jerk—when in retrospect, I should have run at that moment. And I don’t think I’ve ever said it first since. Whereas, should a woman never utter it? I don’t necessarily think so. But once you’ve done it and felt that vulnerable and not heard it returned, it’s doubtful you’ll want go first again…
Amelia
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 10:18 pm: [report]
I said it first to the ex. Over IM. I think that was the mistake. I was okay with saying it first because it was fricking OBVIOUS he FELT it before me—therefore I WIN. In general though, I think I would prefer the dude say it first. I can’t explain why, but maybe it’s because guys are soooo guarded with their emotions that when they finally say something like I love you, totally sincere, it’s pretty awesome, and I want to hear it first, before I say it.
Katia
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 12:12 am: [report]
I would never want to censor myself out of fear. If I am being true to myself and honest, then I’ll say it. If the guy freaks out…then it’s not likely that our relationship would have progressed much further cause we clearly weren’t on the same page. I simply refuse to be in a relationship where I have to pretend or conceal anything in order to curry favor with a guy. Once you start molding yourself to appeal to his insecurities or emotional issues you’re doomed. Women shouldn’t have to sit around waiting for a guy to make up his mind. Either it’s there or it isn’t, and if it isn’t…move on.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 07:52 am: [report]
But that’s the thing I’m saying, Katia—it isn’t that black and white. It’s not necessarily “there” or “it isn’t.” And while it may feel all girl-power to say no woman should wait around for a man, I think relationships are about compromise and if a guy isn’t processing him emotions quickly enough for you, on your time-table, that doesn’t mean he has insecurities or emotional issues. It could just mean he’s not there yet. Not everyone falls in love at the same pace. That doesn’t mean you have to “pretend” or “conceal” anything, but I’d advise waiting a while to say the “L” word. If you can’t wait for the man to say it first, at least wait until you think you’re ready to pop…and then wait a while after that.
prettycrabby
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 08:36 am: [report]
One thing I think is not here is that you may KNOW you both love each other but no one is SAYING it just yet. That is how it worked out for me and my relationship and it was fine. I was okay with it, even though it took a year and a half to get there. Some of my friends were all “that is crazy!” but I didn’t think of it as a milestone. Other things like meeting his family, having him meet mine, spending weekends away, etc. were more important. And when he did say “I love you” first my response was “yeah, I already knew that. And I love you too.”
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 09:25 am: [report]
Being a male, I would side more with afp and Katia on this one. I feel that a man is taking just as much of a chance with saying “I love you” as a woman is. You may say well if he doesnt respond how she is expecting then she will take it harder and be devestated and so on but I think thats utter nonsense. Not saying that this is anyones opinion, just guessing what some might say as a response. If you love someone and feel like saying it, then say it, they may not respond how you want but thats life. A guy is hurt if a woman doesnt respond well to his statement just as a woman would be. It is just very hard for me to see articles like this only because it is almost impossible to avoid setting out slight stereotypes about men and their feelings but we do have emotions and some of us process them just as quickly as our counterparts.
Lynn
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
I don’t care if this cancels out any feminist points I have, but I totally agree that I will always wait for the guy to say it first. My reasons aren’t 100% the same, but I think the general sentiment is. Of course, I also plan on waiting to be asked by the guy to get married.
I think it’s interesting that you want to wait for him to say “I love you” but don’t think it makes sense to wait for his proposal. To me, your justification for why we should wait before saying “love” seems like the same reasons a woman might have for wanting to wait for HIM to propose. Because a proposal is an even BIGGER deal, for everyone involved.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 03:23 pm: [report]
Sure, but if you’re at a point when a proposal would be appropriate, then you should already know how you feel about each other. And if you’re ready to make a big life change, you deserve to know whether the person you’re with is ready for that change or not.
An “I love you” isn’t about making a life change, it’s about expressing a feeling. Women process feelings faster than men, so it would make sense that they fall in love more quickly in a relationship than a man does. Therefore, its in the interest of the relationship for a woman to give the man a little time to catch up with her. Once they both are there and the love has been expressed, as far as I’m concerned, why should the guy decide when it’s time to make marriage plans?
rachdach
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 10:23 pm: [report]
“Women process feelings faster than men” is a pretty big assumption.
Do you have a degree in psychology to back up that statement, before you start discounting all the feelings of women who take their time “processing” or have allegedly effeminate men who happen to “process” faster than them?
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 05:16 am: [report]
Rachdach, I’m not really interested in having any sort of dialogue with you, just so you know. I can appreciate other people’s viewpoints and arguments, but your whole “Lady, just because no one ever wanted to say it to you first doesn’t set a precedent for everyone” comment was so stupid and off-base, I can’t really take anything you say seriously. Plus, you sounds like a total crazy person.
Amelia
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 06:33 am: [report]
Having said the L word first before, I won’t be doing it again, unless, like Wendy said, I literally am going to pop if I don’t. I get that it’s a bad idea to make gender generalizations, but let’s face it, there’s more than a grain of truth to the notion that men process emotions slower than women. It’s not that I think saying it will scare the dude away, but because I think it sometimes takes men longer to REALIZE how strongly they feel, I’d rather let a guy come to grips with his emotions first, so that he’s comfortable saying it on his own, without being prompted by my, “ZOMG, I love you so much!”
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
I ahve to say with a smile here that I may sound like the odd person out, maybe not, but I just cannot believe that men are generalized in such a way even if past experiences of some women may hint at certain facts. The speed with which men “process” emotion cannot be pegged at a tangible level just as a womans cant. The fact that some men, and I emphaize some, choose to reveal to a woman that they are feeling a certain way in teh relationship doesnt mean that they hadnt processed, evaluated, come to terms with and deicded upon the fact to say something long ago. I look at the posts on this thread and without belittling anyones elses views, I personally feel that it is a fact of possibly a woman just not wanting to go out on a limb and say I love you first and the man either not react the way they want or not reciprocate at all. Men are tough so let them say it first and then all I have to do is react is the feeling that I get from the participants here and whether its intentional or not I just dont see any other major, valid reason for waiting other than the person doesnt want to be hurt or look foolish. In closing, men dont want to look foolish either, we have feelings, we think things out just as carefully as women, we may not be as vocal sometimes about how we feel but then again, every guy is not cut out of a pattern. If you love someone and feel like saying it, say it, if you look foolish be you man or woman then adjust your responses next time and take it from there. Who wouldnt like to have everyone else say the difficult things first so they dont risk themselves.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
PS. Forgive my spelling on the last post, I was typing on my way out the door. =)
NoisyOne
wrote on December 3 2008 @ 04:31 pm: [report]
life is short. tell people you care about how you feel. go out on a limb. take a risk. you might even end up a better person. in the least you’ll learn something about yourself and the other person. but if either of you get hit by a bus tomorrow and you haven’t taken that leap of faith, you’ll truly understand the consequences of bottling #&@$% up. get over yourselves and get on with it.
jojo
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
OK, I’ll admit it, I’m a waiter. I will wait a guy out no matter how long it takes. But just recently, my boyfriend of one month rattled those very words off to me over the phone while away on business. I was shocked! Horrified that he’d dare take that step so quick! What was he thinking?! I stammered, stumbled through what I think was “love you too” and then hung up. I could barely talk, much less think of the embarassment I’d suffer had we been face to face. Thank God it was over the phone or I would still be getting teased about being caught in the ‘headlights’ by him!!
So for someone like me who normally waits, it should have been relieving to hear those words. It wasn’t. I ruined the moment!
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 11:13 am: [report]
jf1
I dont think that you necessarily ruined the moment, only maybe didnt meet the ideal expaectation that either you or possibly sosciety had set for the way it was supposed to go. Being embarassed in normal and I think as long as both people understand that and can openly admit that sparks do not physically fly between two people when they proclaim I love you, then realistic and more comforting situations will become more frequent. This is all my opinion mind you and can change from person to person.
My question is, I see a lot of women on this topic saying that they think it normal to wait and will do so no matter what, letting the man say it first. Why is that is what I am trying to understand. I would say its an individual thing and bsaed on each person but it seems to be a shared them for the majority so I am just curious.
DoctorODoctor
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 11:46 am: [report]
I loved reading this and completely agree. Yes, we’d all love to think of the genders being equal and totally evolved by this point, but the truth of the matter is we’re not. We are still very much stuck with some aspects of traditional gender roles. We’re still products of genetics and innate characteristics of each gender. Men (or the majority of men) tend to need to feel as though they have control in a relationship. Men tend to need to be the pursuers. Blame it on society or the innate hunter/provider role, but that seems to be what’s going on (again, not with ALL men).
Saying “I love you” first to a man may take away his role to be the pursuer, and may make him feel a loss of power. Yes, I know this sets our gender back MANY years and makes me sound like some sort of 1950’s housewife, but seriously, it is what’s going on. Things may change as our gender roles become less defined, but we’re not at that point yet (well, maybe we are, but most men certainly aren’t). Change takes time.
One of my undergrad psych professors quoted a study that found that men tend to fall in love with a woman within three weeks of being in a relationship with her. They tend to realize this fact several weeks later (possibly due to a less heightened ability to acknowledg and lable feelings?) Maybe by dropping the “L” bomb first, we’re putting too much pressure on the whole process of discovery. Men arent verbal creatures, and making the connection between the actions they’re doing that express love and the actual WORD “love” may take them awhile. Putting the word into their mouth is just going to piss them off and confuse them.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 02:24 pm: [report]
I cant totally agree but I wont reitterate why lol. Just curious Doc, are you a male or female…
DoctorODoctor
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
“Won’t” or “can’t”?
I’m a married female.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
I woudl say both. “Won’t” because I dont agree and “can’t” because I have already stated my position earlier in the thread and it would be pointless to rehash it. =).
Was just curious about the male or female part for my own knowledge.
Kittykatkate
wrote on December 13 2008 @ 07:27 pm: [report]
Roughly a month ago I started dating the worlds most amazing man. Hes unlike anyone I have ever met before and I knew that instantaniously when I met him. After only a few short days of dating, after we had entered into a committed relationship, whatever that means to a 21 year old, I laid next to him looked deep into his eyes and said softly, “I think, I might, Love you.” There was a long silence before either of us spoke. He looked at me blankly as though shocked that I had taken this step, gone to that level. I mean it makes sense, we had been dating a mere three days and known each other for only about a week before that. I meant it, I truly did. It wasn’t in the moment, the lighting in the room, the fact that we had just slept together that made me say it, it just came out. Immediately after saying those three famously over-used words I regretted it. He looked petrified. And went on to tell me that, he simply wasn’t ready to say it. I could have died right there. We fought about it (what exactly I couldn’t tell you), I left. After a night of fearing losing me, he came to his senses and said it back. I know he meant it, I know he loves me. But what all this has taught me is… If I ever have the occassion to be in a position again where I have to tell someone I love you them, like I will bust if I don’t, I will take busting. I will never again tell someone that I love them first. Its too painful when they dont say it back.
one who knows
wrote on December 27 2008 @ 10:48 am: [report]
I totally agree with you. Here’s my story, two cents. When I was in my 20’s, I fell in love. When I told my boyfriend, he told me he wasn’t sure he could feel the same for me. Since I was young and naive, I stayed with him because I thought my love would save him. Big mistake! Of course the relationship ended but not until after 4 pain staking years. In my early 30’s I fell in love again. Again I told him I loved him first. No response. I knew he loved me but he couldn’t bring himself to say it, he said it was hard for him. He wanted me to be patient. I put my foot down and said no. Well, of course we didn’t marry, I was back in the dating market. That’s when I decided that the next man I fell in love with, I was not going to say it until he said it – first. I also wrote down all the things I wanted in a man. Long story short, one day I met a man. Of course after the first date he wanted to spend the night. I said no, I wasn’t ready to go that far. About a week later he told me he loved me - he said it first. As soon as he said it, I said it back. I said it back because I meant it. I knew by our 2nd date that I was in love and wanted to marry him. Remember, I wanted him to say it first, my past experience proved that. Next year we will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary.
Moral of the story, let a man fall for you first. You may think you’re playing games but you’re not. I have found that it is much harder for men to deal with their emotions then women. Most men are black and white whereas women are all shades of gray. I have also found that women think when they tell a man they love him, that the man should be grateful. Women are taught that they should give themselves to a man, that all a man needs is for us to make him first in our lives so when we tell a man we love him, we expect him to love us back. The trouble starts when he doesn’t say it back.
Wendy, If you ever have daughter, please also teach her that getting married isn’t the end all. Marriage is a part of life, if we choose it to be. Getting married isn’t, shouldn’t, be a womans life goal. It makes me crazy that girls today are still being told that marriage is their ultimate goal, that somehow they are not complete until they get married. Wrong! Thankfully, a woman today does not need a man to survive. Women have choices.
Egor
wrote on January 17 2009 @ 02:41 am: [report]
Just wanted to ask for some advice.
I am 22 years old, i have been in one other serious relationship, in which my ex-boyfriend was the first to tell me he loved me and it felt completely natural when he did say it and when i said it back. No thought was really put in to it, it was just the right time i suppose.
I am now in a new relationship and have been for nearly a year. Neither of us had said “i love you” despite him always in a way hinting at it and asking how i feel, blatantly trying to get me to tell him i love him, which i never did as i was not, or still am not ready to commit to. Anyway one night he asked the question again “how are you feeling, how do you feel?” again i was mute and could not respond. He questioned me and said he wished i was more open about my feelings as he did not understand how i felt about him. It is not at all like me to ever say something like i love you first, not because of my gender but just because i hate anyone having power over me, or being put in such a vulnerable position.
Anyway that same night as i was saying good bye to him for some strange reason i blurted out “i love you” as i was leaving. I don’t know why, as i’m not even sure i do enough to say it. Maybe i just said it because i felt pressured to say it by him, from his earlier comments about me not showing my feelings?
Anyway despite him giving me so many hints that he wanted to tell me he loves me, he didn’t say it back…he said thank you…and he said he wanted to say it when he was 100% sure. Then again he also said he felt the same way but was scared to say it and he wanted to say on different occasions in the past. He also said that he would have said it earlier on in the night if i had said it to him then…I am so confused and we have not spoken about it since that night. I am also confused about how you know when you are in love…is that a bad sign, surely you just know when you’re in love and you don’t need to question it…?
Well my question is, what do you think he is doing, why did he not say it back when he finally got me to say it??? ego trip???
SueSue
wrote on February 13 2009 @ 03:43 pm: [report]
If I have a daughter one day, I would tell her the same exact thing - for personal reasons. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and change. After about 4 months of being together just about every single day, I told him I loved him first, on New Years Eve, at his family’s house. I had been bursting for a long time already and it just came out - we were having a good time, being mushy and I told him. He looked like a deer in headlights, stumbled over his words, and proceeded to explain to me why he can’t utter those words until at least six months into the relationship (even though it was obvious he felt the same way) - HE put a time limit on love. I was crushed and we exchanged heated emails for a day or two before I forced myself to get over it b/c I knew he was a great guy, even if he made me feel like hot crap this one time (or did I make myself feel like crap?).
I don’t know if men take longer to process their feelings in general, but every single man I’ve come into contact with does - especially my boyfriend. On the flip side, I know I can be ridiculously emotional as much as I don’t want to be sometimes. So I let my guard down that once and it blew up in my face horribly. I still get upset every time I think about that New Years. If I ever do get into another relationship again, I will definitely hold back until he says it first.
Call me a punk if you will, but I will do anything to avoid that feeling again.
TMMiller
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
Oh my mind games. Saying “I love you” because you want to hear it back is a touch narcissistic. You say it because you want to tell a person how you feel. The unbelievably loaded (and somewhat manipulative) “Do you love me?” suffices better as a way to hear what you want.
I appreciate the sentiment that guys, in general, are more emotionally guarded. I do have a hard time believing that hearing “No” in response to an earnest proposal is less painful than hearing “I want to take it slow” after saying “I love you.” Someone has to take their clothes off first.
searchingwithin
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
I have said “I love you” first, however, I did not say it in a “can we talk” kinda way. It just literally came out one night when we were out with friends, and having a fabulous time. It wasn’t planned, and I shocked myself when it came out.
But also, I didn’t wait around for a response, that wasn’t what it was all about.
retro chic
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]
Don’tya think it depends on the circumstances and stage of things? To me, it’s not about who, but how and when, with no expectation of instant reciprocation.
Once, it slipped out during an intense BR moment, and no one said a word, as if it was just gas. But lo and behold, months later I asked if he loved me, to which he responded with a ‘you, dummy’ look and said “I’ve always loved you!” Point being, that if things are good, sometimes the L-word just has to perk awhile, and the moment of truth presents itself naturally.
THAT said, like Amelia, my preferred policy is: He blurts first. I would also definitely recommend nothing in writing. Those are words better said than read.
onelegatatime
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
Most men process emotions slower? Where did you learn that - the John Gray school of over-generalization?
What a crock. I’ve been in a relationship for almost 15 years, married for 5 (I’m 30). Every situation and every relationship is different, because it is made up of two INDIVIDUALS. I think I said it first (I was a bit tipsy, I think), he giggled, thought I wasn’t serious. I think he then said it during a, uhm, later BR moment. Whatever…say how you feel. It’s a risk, but so what, everything worth it in life is.
onelegatatime
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]
Oh, by the way, it doesn’t matter if I have a daughter or a son, I will raise them with the same sense of decency, honesty and kindness toward others, including those they are in a relationship with. I will not make any special arrangements to give into these ridiculous stereotypes and generalizations.
That is all.
amd76992
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 07:43 pm: [report]
Seriously. No one should really generalize too much in life, especially behavior and love. You will all miss out on some amazing opportunities.
My ex-husband and I were married for a few years until I found out he cheated on me multiple times. We divorced, and that was that. Good riddance.
Not too long after, I met someone who I instantly connected with. I am so grateful I met him. I would not have met him if I didn’t move across the country for my ex. Not too long after we started dating, I told him I loved him. I didn’t think about it… I didn’t think, “Oh crap. What if he doesn’t say it back?” This moment is in life is something you SHOULD NOT think about. Or Plan. Or Wait For. How boring is that. Ohh, let me plan or wait for the time when I am going to say I love you, or wait until he says it. Seriously?
He told me right after that he was in love with me too. And he was too scared to say anything because HE thought that I might think it was too soon. And that *I* would freak out. We are still dating, and still very happy.
God forbid I waited for him to say I love you. God forbid something happened to me—or him, and we never got to tell each other how we felt. OF COURSE, these kinds of situations are going to be rare. But guaranteed it will happen to someone—and THAT FEELING you are going to have, will be a whole lot worse than if you said “I Love You”, and the other person didn’t say it back.
Honestly, I hope your daughter follows all of your rules, and does great things. But—I hope she doesn’t follow your rule of when to say I love you.
Life is too damn short. This is the only one we have unless you believe in reincarnation. Stop making these SILLLYY relationship rules. I threw up reading this article.
dee_genrit
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
Sorry Wendy,
But I’ve got to say I think this philosophy on love is utter crap, and I feel sorry for any daughter that gets this advice. I won’t even get into the feminism arguments because that’s been pretty well covered already. But “Women process feelings faster than men” First of all, not even sure sure this is true as an approximation, and definately not true as a rule… but even IF we accept it, doesn’t that mean that women also process feelings of falling out of love faster too? I’ve seen a lot of women who can say I love you, and if it isn’t returned, decide they were wrong and get over it pretty darn quickly. And the type of guy who takes a while to say I love you is generally the type of guy who takes those words extremely seriously and really means it when he says it, and can be hit quite hard if it isn’t returned. That’s the kind of guy that in my opinion, doesn’t deserve to be hurt by a “fair-weather” relationship girl.
Now I’m of the school of thought that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship and that you should say what you feel, and never say what you don’t feel. But if you’re going to play into stereotypes I think the big one to consider is that women are a lot more likely to say the words without meaning them than a man is, they’re a lot more likely to give an “i love you too” to spare the guys feelings, and they’re a lot more likely to rush into the words without considering the promise that is almost implicit behind those words.
That is why I’d preach the opposite advise. Women say it first. If you can’t handle being out there on a limb for him, if you aren’t willing to put it all out there, regardless of how he feels, if you just want to wait around for someone who loves you first, before you’re willing to commit to loving them… is that really even love?
I personally find that the best approach (when I’m feeling it and ready to express it) is to preface the whole conversation by asking the the guy to just listen and not do or say anything reactionary (positive or negative) and to tell him that me saying this is not an attempt to change who he is, or make him feel any different way about me… because if I love him, I love him for who he is and I respect his feelings (or lack of feelings) toward me regardless, right?
Anyway, this happened once with a friend who it turns out didn’t feel the same way but our friendship grew a lot when we learned we could repect each others feelings without needing to change each other. It happened a different time with a boyfriend of a few months. He listened, said thank you and didn’t say anything about it for a few more months and I didn’t ask him to. When he did finally say it, I knew he meant it, and he knew I meant the “I love you too” a few years later we got married. (I let him pop that question, but mostly because I knew it would mean a lot to him to be the one to ask).
shellerbee
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
I also said it first. I was leaving for my parents’ house for spring break two days later, and I wanted a solid way to express my feelings to him while I was gone, rather than trying to get it across other ways. (We’d been together for almost 6 months at this point.) So I said it. And he said it right back, because it turns out… He was going to say it the following day, on the 6-month anniversary of when we met. Would I have rather he said it first? Of course. But I had no idea how long that would take, and I wasn’t about to find out.
firebuild
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:58 am: [report]
Okay, my argument is a bit different. I don’t really care who says “I love you” first, but if you teach your daughter never to end a sentence with a preposition, you’ll be perpetuating a big fat myth based on the erroneous assumption that English is a Latin-based language. It isn’t. English actually evolved from German. Many of the structural rules of Latin simply don’t fit, and the “don’t end a sentence with a preposition” rule is one of them. Google it if you don’t believe me.
I mean, really, how stupid does “That is something up with which I will not put” sound?