Things That Will Get An Ex To Take You Back (And Some Things That Really Won’t)
Posted by: Leonora Epstein
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Thursday November 5th 2009
Earlier this week, we asked you: “What Would Get You To Take Your Ex Back?” From a look at the results of the poll, not much. Forty-three percent of you said that there’s nothing he could do to get you to change your mind, and that getting involved again would mean “giving up when I just need to move on.” The unfortunate truth is that you can’t make someone love you.
But! There is a but ... what if you still both love each other (either consciously or subconsciously), yet you’ve gone your separate ways? Maybe you never moved on from the feelings you have because no one else compared, or you both weren’t at places in your lives to make things work. In that case, there’s potential to re-ignite the relationship. Of course, you have to prepare for the probable possibility that your Ex isn’t interested. There’s no middle ground when it comes to re-wooing: either it works, or you have to look at it as an opportunity to finally move on. The not knowing still driving you crazy? Here, we looked at what you said, put in our own two cents, and came up with some tips to give it a go, both for guys and girls.
What works:
- The talk. Guys, you have an easier time, because all you have to really do is say something.Twenty-nine percent of you (and we’re going to assume most of you are ladies) said that if he wants to talk about things, it’s a sign he really cares.
- Turning your life into a romantic comedy. This one totally bites because it’s really only an option for a guy to make a huge romantic gesture like showing up on your doorstep. When a girl does it, she risks looking desperate. But then again, you are. Don’t spend the money and effort unless you are totally sure the person misses you.
- Reminders of what was good. Try digging up your old emails and forwarding an exchange that was particularly cute or loving. Going back to memories might jog the heartache.
- Hot Facebook photos. This might just pique curiosity. Don’t make them overly sexy. That’s just a cry for attention.
- Get way hotter. Shallow? Yes. Effective? Yes.
What doesn’t work:
- Proposing. Easy there, cowboy! Way to freak someone out.
- The pour-your-heart-out, five-page email or letter. Yes, you have a lot to say, but save it for later. Discussing every detail and thought you have is guaranteed to be overwhelming for the reader (plus, who has attention spans these days anyway?).
- Gifts. C’mon. Haven’t you ever listened to the Beatles?
- Repeat efforts. We said this before—you get one chance. After that, you become annoying.
- Faking being preggos. ‘Nuff said.
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silvergurl
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
is there an editing gaffe up there with the “resigning yourself to being a f*ck buddy” bit? it seems out of place (in placement and context).
wonderfultonight
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
The “pour your heart out in a letter” is a good way to start getting over an ex. Just BURN THAT LETTER when you’ve finished writing it. Never send it. You’d be surprised how well this can work out all your emotions - good and bad. Then move on. JMO
amandabear
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]
Ugh, this could not come at the more appropriate time for me. I actually did one of the things in the “doesn’t work” category - I wrote a letter - but it was only 1 page and not of the pour-your-heart-out variety. It was most likely futile, but at least I gave it a shot.
draymond
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
A reconcilliation that works must have three things.
Both sides must understand what went wrong and what if any was their role in it. It isn’t good enough for just one side to apologize if it wasn’t just a one-sided problem (and it rarely is).
Both sides must realize that recovering what was good about the relationship is worth the effort to fix/forgive/avoid what went wrong. Here is where reminders of the good parts of the relationship (presuming there were some) play a role.
Both sides need to be willing to recognize the warning signs that the problem is about to return and cut it off.
Now, if you don’t think that those three things are possible then put the effort into moving on instead.
C.Munro
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
I don’t think I’d ever date an ex again. Either she doesn’t deserve the second chance, or I recognize the fact that I don’t. However, I can and do remain friends with a lot of my exes.
TinaLish
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
I think the biggest thing in this article is that above all there has to be enough time between the initial break up and the potential reconcilation. It can’t happen the day of or the week after.
You have to let the person miss you. And if they were worth something, and you were worth something to them, chances are they do miss you, and are reminded of you during random moments and times throughout their day. Little things like, “Oh, ...used to say that all the time.” Or whatev.
I guess the question is how do you know when enough time has passed for you, or them. That’s a risk in itself, being too early, or too late.
But love is a risk all the while, and it’s better late than never, right? As long as you don’t become a psycholooney, maintain a level of dignity, it should all work as it was meant to.
At least, that’s what I think…
bjoontheupside
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
The last relationship I was in should have ended the first time we broke up over two years ago, but we both kept dragging each other on and on thinking that we were meant to be together. After our last break up, I am happy to report that there is no way I’m getting back together again with my ex. It’s over. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Numbers 1 and 4 always have worked on me before, now I refuse to go there again. I’m finally moving on and I’m a lot happier for it.
majicksand
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 05:51 pm: [report]
My husband and I split for 15 years then got back together and got married. It was a little different for us though. We had a child together the first time around, so we had a reason to be in contact. We spent some time together discussing our son, and in the process renewed our friendship. It just evolved from there. I definitely agree with Draymond’s assessment of the prerequisites. We went through all of them.
VsegdaOdna
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 07:41 pm: [report]
Perfect timing for me too. An Ex and I broke up 5 years ago simply because at the age of 19, we were too afraid to speak what was on our mind (He didnt know how I felt about him, I was afraid to admit I was in love with him after only a month). I spent the first two of the five years trying to get him back (while living in different states), then two more trying to get him out of my life so I could move on. Now we’re back talking again (though with even more complications)..I dont know where it’s going but it’ amazing what kind of feelings you can harbor for someone you havent seen in person in half a decade.
ohhfoggylullaby
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
Well of course FAKING being pregnant doesn’t work—you have to go all the way with it! And if he doesn’t get back with you, at least you have something that HAS to love you, right? (joking, of course).
The f-buddy route is great, as long as you’re both ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY CERTAIN that the only feelings you have left for each other are purely physical. I tried that route once with an ex and it ended with him crying afterwards…
nemesis30
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
I stick this this rule always….Once you find one reason to break up with someone you WILL find another. Just move on and no taking back!
majicksand
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
@ohhfoggylullaby: I had an FB get all stalkery on me. I had just gone through the worst break up ever and didn’t want a relationship, just sex. I met this guy who seemed to want the same thing. He laid down all kinds of ground rules to ensure that I had no illusions about my “status” in his life. Perfect… until we had sex. I was not impressed. Since we did not have a relationship and only had sex once, I felt no need to call and let him know I would no longer require his services.
I had just moved back in with my mom, so she got to field all the phone calls. He started calling 5 or 6 times a day. I figured if I ignored him, he would take the hint and go away. No such luck. He caught me one night as I was on the way out on a date with another guy (awkward!). He kept begging me to come over and even tried to bribe me with a Christmas gift he had bought. I declined the black silk robe he wanted me to keep at his place and gently explained that I would not be needing it.
I thought that was it until I ran into him at a club one night. He started bragging to his friends right in front of me! He kept talking about how all the rumors about redheads are true. All bets were off at that point. I told him that those rumors certainly were true and that it was too bad he couldn’t keep up. I have not seen or heard from him since.
bogart4017
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
You are always suppose to keep moving forward and wish nothing but the best for your ex.
ootie grl
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 05:18 pm: [report]
They are usually exes for a reason. Old problems will arise again.
Capriccio72
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 07:11 pm: [report]
Right ON, OOTUE GRL!
theattack
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 01:05 am: [report]
Good timing for me too. I usually agree that an ex is an ex for a reason, but sometimes they’re exes because of things like distance or being too young at the time.
FranCan
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 07:57 am: [report]
Hahaha, the “proposing” part totally happened to my mom. The evening before the guy was supposed to get married to another woman (!!!). Of course she declined, and of course that other guy’s marriage didn’t last over 5 years…
rdkilldujour
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
seems to me, if they walk out the door, CLOSE IT!
sabotagekatt
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 12:56 am: [report]
I’m still completely smitten with my ex, which is excrutiating. He’s made it clear that he just wants to be friends, and I’m trying my best to be fine with that (- there are lots of reasons why we’re not right for each other..) Try as I might, I can’t stop wishing that we were back together. And despite three breakups (one mine, twice his)- I still haven’t been able to move on far enough. Good to know that I’m not alone though. Thank you!