The Bad (Boy) Friend Breakup
Posted by: Erica Maxwell
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Friday October 16th 2009
Everyone has a story to share about a bad breakup with a bad boyfriend. The one who cheated, the one on drugs, the one who said that totally unforgivable thing about your mom. Bars across America are thick with tales of the sad sacks that girls have loved and righteously dumped. I’m less sure of what to do with my story about the bad breakup with a bad friend who happens to be a boy.
He wasn’t my boyfriend. I had one of those already. He was my friend. The one I called when I thought my ex was stalking me and the one I cuddled up with to ramble on about how lousy adulthood was at following through on the shiny promises of a hopeful childhood. We got drunk together, riding our bikes through the summer night on wobbly legs and with shimmery eyes that make bad decisions seem wise. Really, I did love him. I’ll call him Paul.
Paul came to visit me every day when I was trapped in the hospital for nearly two weeks with a breaking body. From a crowd of friends, my mother selected him as her favorite because his voice boomed out jokes, making her and the nurses giggle together. “The green thing’s connected to the wristwatch,” he sang, quoting “The Simpsons,” when I got wheeled away for daily medical torture. It was lousy there, surrounded by beeping and tubes and endless rounds of jabby medical interns, and Paul brought flowers. They were ugly ones, sure, but I liked them anyway. When the doctors pumped too many drugs into my overloaded system and I OD’d, he’s the one my mother told. Not the boyfriend that she didn’t like (who I married later). Paul’s the one who carried the news that I was on oxygen back to everyone else. When I was in recovery, Paul carried me, with my arms flung over him and the boyfriend, up and down the halls on the nurse-enforced daily walks. What I’m trying to say is, I was lucky.
Of course, if there wasn’t a problem, there wouldn’t be a breakup. My buddy, the boy I loved, he wasn’t perfect. While I was in the hospital, he was on a mandated hiatus from his science-y Ph.D. program after a failed suicide attempt. Bad genes gifted Paul with an occasionally scary-intense depression that carried with it intermittent delusions and hallucinations. But, them’s the breaks. We’d helped each other for years—that’s what friends do—but my middle-of-the-night advice was often, “Stop calling me and call a psychiatrist.” And he had, and that was great and we were all happy.
The problem blew up. A mutual friend (the girl he’d dated in high school and the beginning of college, and through whom we’d met) had an all-night moving away party that lasted until just hours before we were supposed to make the long drive across the Eastern seaboard to New Orleans. Paul got drunk and stayed until long after I’d left and passed out for my few hours of sleep. Then he got drunker. Then he threw my friend against a brick wall and punched the space inches from her head, screaming that she’d “destroyed all his hopes” as he ran down the steps and home to lock himself in. Once there, he began calling people, calmly explaining he was committing suicide, and that the news should get passed around and could someone please take care of the cat. When the news hit me, I called the cops. They wouldn’t come without the address, and I didn’t know the address. Terrified, I rode my bike to his apartment and smashed myself against the outside wall calling back with the street number and hoping he didn’t see me below his window. They still didn’t come. I called a third time and said he had a gun. They came. They came in three squad cars with a battering ram and ran up the steps. I cried and cried. When they took him away in handcuffs, I tried not to look, but I saw his face anyway. He stared, hollow and hurt.
That was it. When the hospital released him from a mandatory 72-hour hold, Paul called me right away, desperate to apologize, to correct everything and make amends. I let the calls pass to voicemail. And I never returned them.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Riley
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
Bummer. It is hard to be friends with someone that has that many issues, despite their other great qualities.
Laurel
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]
Good essay, Erica.
VsegdaOdna
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 09:24 am: [report]
Sometimes you gotta do what’s good for you, even if it hurts someone else.
OutOfLine
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
That is so rough :( I applaud you for being stronger than i ever was able to be, and knowing when it was time to let go.
cali_candy
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
wait what??? He’s a bad friend because he had depression/suicide problems?? And she just left him alone after that? I’m sorry, but it seems like the author is the bad friend. It seems like he had mental illness and couldn’t help what he was doing necessarily, just like the author couldn’t help being sick (whatever the hospital stuff was about). He was there for her during that time, and she was not there for him in return during his difficult times. Why couldn’t she talk to him instead of calling the cops? I know we’re not getting the whole picture here, but in my opinion, I think the author could have been a better friend. Oh and I’m not sure of the relevance that this friend was a boy, because it could’ve been a girl and it would still be the same (crappy) situation.
Happytobeme
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 09:48 am: [report]
Its comforting to know others have let people like this go, at least it was not your mother like I had to do. And there is only so much you can do until they have to want to help themselves. Others still need you and will actually appreciate what you sacrifice for them
Jessalyn
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
@cali_candy: Trying to talk someone down from a suicide attempt when you’re not trained to do it is extremely dangerous - calling the police was the only thing she could do to help him. And when someone puts you through the agony of asking friends to call around with the news of their impending suicide, something has to change, no matter how much you love them. Maybe losing Erica’s friendship will be enough of a jolt to encourage him to seek help and stick with it.
bjoontheupside
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]
I think the Erica made the right call.
My best friend is my ex-boyfriend and he suffers from depression and social anxiety. When we first met he seemed very open and honest about his problems, he was on medication, and doing the best he could. This is why we remained friends after our breakup-because I could relate to some of his issues and there were good qualities about him that made me want to hang onto him and help when I could. The longer we’ve known one another though the more difficult it’s become. He stopped taking his medication years ago and now lives by the rule that NO one can really help him. It’s extremely difficult for me because his issues affect me as well because we live together so any time there are problems that arise I’m stuck right there in the middle of them whether I want to be or not, knowing that I can’t do a thing to help him because it’s his decision. Lately, I’ve been wanting to part ways with him since it has come to the point where it’s affecting my mental stability at times. Anyone in these situations know first hand that it’s mentally exhausting and that most of the time you feel as if you’re walking on egg-shells. It’s hard to deal with because you’re torn-you WANT to be the good friend, but you also know that you need to save yourself.
sic.itur.ad.astra
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
I can see where Erica is coming from. I was in a relationship with a guy years ago who attempted/threatened suicide several times while we were together and after we had broken up. Once, he called me (I lived 7 hours away at the time) and said he had taken a bunch of pills. I didn’t know the address where he was, was too far away to go there, and could do nothing but keep him up on the phone talking. It’s emotionally exhausting to deal with that kind of behavior, and you have to know when to say when. I stuck around for two years, and after a particularly scary incident, I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. He needed help that I couldn’t give him, and like Jessalyn said, breaking off any contact helped him. In my case, my dropping everything for him when he was threatening to kill himself was just adding fuel to the fire. After a long separation period, I slowly became friends with him again, and now we have a healthy friendship and he is doing much better. I don’t regret cutting him off when I did.
majicksand
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Being a good friend is one thing. Sacrificing yourself for said friend is quite another. Sometimes you just have to walk away.
luke15chick
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]
He needs to take some time to work on himself, see a therapist. For the author to have taken on the responsibility of “saving” him and being his friend after such extremities would be too much for a person to handle emotionally, especially if the relationship was as close as she stated. Friends should never be “saviors” or counselors. Perhaps later on down the road when Paul is more stable, then they can resume the friendship.
Typewriter
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
I had a boy breakup once, too. He was my best friend. I absolutely adored him. We used to get tea from a drive-thru coffee shop near my house and take long drives along the outskirts of town, stop sometimes and just look at the ocean. I miss him a lot.
eurolovex3
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 03:20 pm: [report]
so he was there for you when you were going through a hard time, but you won’t be there for him?
his depression is a medical problem, you said so yourself. he can’t do much about it, and what he needs most is a friend to stand by his side and help him through this, not someone who’s going leave him when things get rough… i think after all he’s done for you, you owe him.
pragmatryst
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 04:16 pm: [report]
@eurolovex3: “his depression is a medical problem, you said so yourself. he can’t do much about it…after all he’s done for you, you owe him”
He can’t cure himself or administer the medical care he needs, that much is true, but he is actually the ONLY person who can “do” something to improve his situation. She was already there for him when he was in crisis and now he needs to fight for his own mental health. Until he willingly embraces therapy and medication to treat his depression, he will keep repeating the same destructive pattern. Just like managing high blood pressure or reducing high cholesterol he needs to learn how to manage his illness on a continuous, long-term basis. If/when he can demonstrate measurable progress he might offer to renew a friendship on healthier terms and she should consider it. Even then she doesn’t “owe” him anything.
bogart4017
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
Depression is sthe worse. My poor wife looks so helpless when i slide into one of those bleak periods. It seems like the only friend i have is Lexapro.
dandyhighwayman
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 03:38 pm: [report]
I don’t think that the author abandoned him. I think that she had to do something horrible in order to save his life, and couldn’t bring herself to see him after that. If she’d actually abandoned him, he’d be dead. Even if what happened could be called abandonment, there is a difference between someone with severe depression and someone who has become violent towards themselves and others.
Jillybean
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 07:46 pm: [report]
When in school a very depressed friend of mine made a very obvious cry for help. It had been the first one she’d made for years. I coaxed her out of the bathroom (took an hour), I hugged her and left her with two other friends and then went to the teachers and reported the behaviour. It was simply too terrifying for me to consider letting the event go unnoticed. She needed help.
I admit I didn’t want to talk to her again, she really scared me. But now, almost six years later, we’re talking again on Facebook, we’ve met up a few times. She’s a lot better (but I can’t take credit for that, she did that by herself and away from our community).
But the big thing is - she apologised to me. Not right away, but she said how very sorry she was for the whole incident, how grateful she was for my help, and she hoped that one day I’d be able to not freak out about her. It took me a while, but I did. I would strongly recommend to anyone in this position not to cut all ties. Depression is scary (if you’re sitting on linoleum floor at seventeen holding bloody tissues to someone’s arm, it’s not something you forget in a hurry) but it’s not worth losing a good friend over. God knows if I was ever in her position, I hope she’d be kinder to me than I was to her.
fallonthecity
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]
The thing about having friends who follow this destructive cycle is that after a while they can sort of pull you along with it. Over the course of my short life, I’ve had two suicidal friends. The absolute terror of having someone you care about call you and tell you she’s about to kill herself and thank you for trying to be there for her and would you please make sure her mother gets the letter she wrote is enough to break me down, for sure. I’m not trained to handle these types of situations—I’m an engineer for God’s sake. I’ve never called the police because of any of it, but I’ve called their husbands and parents (when we were young enough that parents could make much of a difference)—one finally got help from people who are trained to help her and seems to be doing okay these days, and the other still hates me.
I can’t be convinced that distancing yourself from that sort of destructive behavior makes you a bad friend… no matter how much you love someone, you still have your own life and health to maintain.
Seralyn
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 05:44 pm: [report]
I am that bad friend. You know, the one who needed help. I was the one making the calls, writing the letters, pulling my dearest, most wonderful friends and family down into my vortex of darkness with me. Yes, a lot of them had to walk away from me. Yes, it ripped me up and I hated them for it at the time. But I was lucky and had something inside that made me want to make them hurt for leaving me and I got help. It was long, painful, and scary. At the end, however, the hardest thing was to admit and apologize to everyone for having hurt them as well. Mental illness hurts EVERYONE. Not just the person with the illness. Everyone around them are victims as well. It still hurts they walked away, but I understand it and forgive them now. I’ve managed to make amends with a few, but there are some friends I will never recover. I understand both sides of the coin now, so please don’t judge either side to harshly. Some people can stick through it, and some can’t. It doesn’t make anyone a bad friend. It is true, however, you cannot help those who won’t help themselves. And you can’t help someone else if you don’t take care of yourself first.
heythere
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
I’m sorry erica..but didn’t he help you when you needed him?? Maybe he’s a bad person by saying he was going to kill himself..but he never did anything to hurt you, he needs/ed your help..I can see why you wouldn’t call him back…but i think it is kind of selfish.
spatula
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]
I guess i half agree with cali-candy. I don’t think that having emotional problems, and acting out of control because of those problems, makes him a bad friend. At all. In fact, I think that’s kind of an awful thing to say.
However, I also do not feel that the OP was wrong for calling the cops. That WAS her way of helping him, and I would have done the same. At that point, there is no way talking would get through. I don’t see how it is at all okay to completely abandon him afterwards, though. Especially when he recognizes his problems/mistakes and is trying to “correct everyting and make amends”.
This article bothers me.
Ghirardelli
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 02:15 pm: [report]
You did the right thing. He wasn’t a bad friend, just a friend with bad problems.
nonenone
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 08:07 pm: [report]
@ cali_candy
agreed
CrookedGlasses
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 09:31 pm: [report]
@cali_candy and the rest of those jumping over each other to say how Erica was the bad guy here. Did any of you actually read the entire article? You seem to skip over the bit where “Paul” became physically violent with a friend of theirs the night before. On a site for women you would think that a man being violent towards a woman would get a little less sympathy.
Would you be so willing to return someone’s call who the night before had almost punched a woman he considered a friend and then threatens to kill himself, scaring you to the point that you feel the need to involve the police?
When you no longer feel safe around a person, are you obligated to continue spending time with them because they were once your close friend?
Erica Maxwell
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
Hi guys. I want to thank you all for your comments—this was a sad and awful situation, and I’m hopeful for those of you who’ve been through similar heartache that you will find your own peace.