What My Ex Taught Me About Relationships
Posted by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Monday December 22nd 2008
I’m still adjusting to single life since my breakup, but I’m making a lot of progress, and it’s gotten me thinking about what kind of person I want to be with in the future. For most of my life, instead of approaching relationships with a checklist, I was flattered someone—anyone—was interested in me, and I didn’t stop to question whether we had much in common. In some ways, my ex was perfect for me, but in others we weren’t so compatible. Both the good and the bad taught me about what I want next time.
Age
For the most part, I’ve dated older guys. My last ex was a year older than me, which isn’t much, but we were at different stages of our lives and careers. At 33, I already feel like I have limited time left to start having children, so my ideal partner would be someone who’s either my age or a little older and ready to settle down. And I don’t just mean kids; I mean not going out until five in the morning. Once upon a time, I couldn’t pass up a party invitation. Today, I’m more interested in earlier nights and staying home and renting movies.
Religion & Politics
I’m Jewish. While I hope to raise my children Jewish, my partner’s religion isn’t that important to me, but I do think having some common religious background makes it easier to understand one another. The same is true with politics, and my ex and I differed in these areas greatly. Having some room for debate and discussion is workable, but sometimes I felt like I didn’t live up to his standards, like I wasn’t radical enough for him, and that made me uncomfortable about my own beliefs.
Parents
It had been four years since I’d met the parents of someone I was dating. In this instance, I was overwhelmed at how welcoming and sweet his parents were. A woman I once met told me that in order to tell who a guy is at his core, you have to meet his parents. I’m not sure I buy that—how many of us want to be judged based on our parents?—but having his parents like me made me believe our relationship had real potential. If they hadn’t liked me, we could’ve worked on it, but it would have been a challenge.
Feeling Needed
I’m one of those people who needs to feel helpful. In some ways, in our relationship I tried too hard to fix things in ex’s life that I couldn’t be the one to fix. I definitely gravitate toward people who have “issues,” and I have plenty of my own. Now, I need to focus on fixing some of my long-term “stuff,” rather than distracting myself with someone else’s problems.
Feeling desired
I have friends who’d be happy to have sex three times a day. Me? I’m not that greedy. But I do need to feel like my partner desires me, and I didn’t really get that this time around. We didn’t flirt or talk about what we wanted to do in bed. I know not everyone is comfortable talking about sex, but there are ways to be flirty without being X-rated. I like girlie rituals, dressing up, knowing that while I’m having dirty fantasies about my guy during the day, he is, too.
Compatibility
Ultimately, I’m looking for someone I can talk to about anything and everything, who I don’t have to filter myself around, someone I can cry in front of or tell my biggest fears or most embarrassing secrets, someone who I know isn’t judging me, and who, in return, will open up to me. There’s plenty that goes on in my head that I don’t share with even my closest friends; as revealing as I may be about my sex life, I’m actually fairly private about quite a bit. It’s rare to find someone I can truly let go with, but that’s what I want in the future: someone who lets me be me.
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HitOrMissJudy
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 11:28 am: [report]
The need to feel needed is a killer and you’re dead on about working on your own stuff first. Even though it’s so much easier to tell other people what to do with their lives!
Arty
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 11:31 am: [report]
Parents, that’s a huge one. I think what I learned most from my last relationship was how important it is for me that my parents and my S.O. get along. The fact that the ex didn’t still boggles me, because my parents are completely awesome and wonderful and tried so hard to make him feel welcome!
And also, there’s no way it’s ever going to work with another submissive. Two submissives just means that the sex never happens.
shannac02
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 11:42 am: [report]
I totally agree with the “comfort” factor. Having someone to talk to about ANYTHING is the most amazing thing ever, and it makes the RELATIONSHIP work. If there is communication, then everything else should fall into place. The family/friends thing: I had an ex who didn’t even think that family or friends are important, therefore he was dogged by my family and friends for being a Dick. Having your family and friends think that your man is a loser cannot be fixed. I feel that family introductions are HUGELY important. And lastly, being desired: If you’re not feeling desirable or attractive, and your man isn’t making you feel that way, then What’s the point?
Nice Eyes
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
The compatiblity thing is huge for me. My ex started to filter himself because he felt that I would judge him on what he said and the fact it was a long distance relationship did not help at all. So, slowly I started to do the same and eventually our phone conversations were short and pointless. :/
Humble Bee
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 01:52 pm: [report]
I think the biggest one for me, is the compatibility. Sure I love my bf sometimes, lol. BUT after 3 years, I still don’t feel comfortable telling him certain things. I still feel like we’re not best friends, and thats what I want out of a relationship, a good solid friend.
The parent part. Lets not get started. ALL of my past ex-bf’s parents loved me, except for my current bf. She HATES me, she’s like the Monster-in-law. I’m so nice to her, i feel so unfairly treated. oh well, not to be mean, but I can see why his dad left her. She’s quite bitchy, no one likes screatching in ther ears every time something goes wrong.
Aquifer
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 08:21 pm: [report]
Regarding parents and “how many of us want to be judged based on our parents?” Actually it’s not so much a judgment thing. It’s more a matter of that’s how life actually is.
The following comment is from a number of psychologists, some with over 35 years experience. Did you know guys and gals both pick a partner that is most like their mother?? Just happens to be the way it is. Mom is the “primary caregiver” and we end up selecting a partner that we’re most comfortable dealing with. As infants, mom is who we got to know from the womb on up to adulthood. So that’s the pattern we know and that’s the pattern we choose to mate with. Kind of like we don’t know any better, but that’s just a logical thing, not a put-down.
Of course, that assumes a “typical” upbringing with mom available to us. Lots of psych research to back that up. Gives one pause to consider if that is what you want—or not?? And it suggests there’s a lot of truth in “see the mother, and you see the daughter.” Also suggests, “see the mother, and you see the son.”
So it might not be a bad idea to think about yourself, and your prospective choice, with that concept in mind. You can believe me or not, but lots of data shows it to be true.
persia
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 10:52 pm: [report]
You have to know that you can be yourself no matter what. I’ve been married six years and i’ve realized this is the most important.
tinque
wrote on December 23 2008 @ 11:10 am: [report]
these are all good aspects to consider, especially for me feeling desired and feeling at ease, comfortable with my partner which for me takes a very long time. I feel it takes at least two years if not three to really get to know someone, and it’s in this unhurried time one has the time to gain and earn trust, become close on all levels, and stimulate each others growth. Have you seen the site http://www.loveromancerelationship? It has some really good articles dealing with these topics especially.
pickwickianmom
wrote on December 26 2008 @ 04:49 pm: [report]
I don’t think any woman can have a really great relationship and really understand herself until she has that moment you had: when you sit down and ask yourself who you are and what will make you happy.
After dating whatever in my 20’s, I married someone who seemed a lot like me—-politics the same, religion close to the same, books the same. We both liked to read.
The differences were much more insidious. They had to do with patience, kindness, a willingness to be happy and upbeat.
After the marriage broke up, I sat down and made out of list.
“Kindness”, I wrote.
“Compassion”
And then I decided that I wanted someone who could appreciate nature.
“Likes to hikes—doesn’t laugh at birdwatchers”
I started getting involved in the things I did before I was married (16 years ago) and joined classes in this and that and met the perfect guy for me.
He had every quality on that list. (It was much longer than I mentioned). He even had the odder things I had thought up. He canoes, he leads nature walks for kids, he writes (and actually publishes (no small feat)) nature books. And he is very, very kind.
I think now that you have made a list you have set yourself up for a lot of real happiness. I was so happy to read this.