Dating Drama: Why I’m Happy To Be Single (For Now)
Posted by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Monday December 15th 2008
Not long ago, I had a boyfriend. Now, I’m single. Again. I’d been feeling like my relationship wasn’t working for a while, but that hasn’t made the breakup any easier. I miss my ex, but even more, I miss the idea of us having a future together. At the same time, I’m getting into the idea of being single, and trying to embrace that rather than rushing to find someone to replace him. (There are few people I’ve had my eye on.) I’m reminded of “Single Girl” by Lush. It starts with “Single girl/who would want to be a single girl?” and ends with “I’m so happy I’m a single girl.” In the interest of focusing on the latter rather than the former, here are the top 10 reasons I’m happy to be single.
1. Freedom
I was in a long distance relationship, so it’s not like anyone was checking up on where I was at all times. As much as I love being part of a couple, there is a mental freedom to being on your own. If I want to stay out all night, I can. If I want to make out with a hottie at a bar, I can. My time, which is very precious to me, is 100 percent my own.
2. No More Mixed Signals
Because we only saw each other once a month, or once every other month, there were many chances for us to misinterpret the other’s silence or read too much into a quick email. The truth is, there still is, but the whole “trying to read his mind” thing? Over, and that frees up a lot more space in my head. I didn’t realize quite how much time I spent thinking about where our relationship was going.
3. Peace of Mind
I still love my ex, and we talk and email, but I don’t have the same heightened level of concern for him, one that was probably unhealthy. Now I feel like I can care about him as a friend but not try to take on his issues as my own. Plus, I can focus on my life and my own issues, which are many. (Yes, I should have been doing that all along, but I tend to get wrapped up in whomever I’m seeing, making it very easy to gloss over my own messes.)
4. Flirting
When I go to parties, I can flirt with people and not feel guilty. It’s always awkward when you’re dating someone and meet someone you think is hot. You don’t want to lead them on, but you don’t want to throw in “my boyfriend” every five seconds. From this day forward, I can flirt and mean it.
5. Dressing Up
When I’m stressed, or just lazy, I sometimes use that as an excuse to pare my daily ritual down to the very basics, as in, shower, brush my teeth, put on some deodorant and perfume, and go. I forget that a little lipstick goes a long way. So I’m making sure I get a weekly manicure and pedicure, scheduling an appointment to get my unruly long hair cut, wearing heels instead of sneakers, and adding a little color to my mostly black wardrobe. It’s not like these are huge changes, and I wear dresses and skirts every day anyway, but they make me feel pretty, and, therefore, a little bit happier.
6. An Excuse to Shop
It’s the holiday season, the time to shop for gifts for other people, but I’m using it as an excuse to shop for myself. That cute dress from Urban Outfitters? On it. The sparkly Lavaliere necklace from Objets d’Envy? On its way to me. I used to send my ex little gifts all the time. This is a time when I can indulge in myself. I’m a huge believer in retail therapy.
7. Self-Reflection
I’m not exactly one to take criticism well, which is a character flaw, but it also means that when I feel like someone is judging me or telling me what to do, I get defensive. That happened a few times with my ex, and now I have quality time to figure out why I reacted like that, and how I can be a better person.
8. City Hopping
We used to bat around ideas for places we might like to live—Portland, Austin, Minneapolis, Costa Rica—some more practical than others. Before we hooked up, I’d never really considered leaving New York, where I’ve lived since 1996. I think maybe I’m ready for a break, even if it’s just a temporary one, but instead of having to accommodate our disparate interests, I can contemplate a possible new home based on what I like about any given city.
9. Letting the World Know
My Facebook status has said “It’s Complicated” for most of the last six months; I changed it from “in a relationship” when things were looking pretty rocky, and I never changed it back. (My ex’s said “single” the whole time, but he is less of a Facebook updater than I am.) Who wants to hang onto the past? I updated it. If you ever want an ego boost, this is a surefire way to get one. Friends and acquaintances I’m rarely in touch with immediately offered up sweet notes of sympathy and “You Go, Girl!” encouragement. That helped counteract my worst moments, when I get all, “I’ll never find someone I click with like that again.”
10. Sex
Okay, this one hasn’t happened yet, but I think about it all the time. Who will be the next person I’ll sleep with? Will we have slow, romantic sex in a candlit bedroom or dirty, up-against-the-wall, screaming-loud sex in some bar bathroom? I get to picture my various crushes in bed, to wonder what those first times would be like. I’m a firm believer the best way to get over someone is to jumpstart your sex life, even if it’s just a fling. I’m looking forward to ringing in 2009 with a new lover, even if I haven’t figured out who it’ll be yet.
Lest I sound too cavalier about this, trust that I’ve spent plenty of time staring into space, randomly crying, and generally being utterly confused about whether or not I made the right choice. But I’m an optimist at heart, and I’d rather look forward to the future than obsess over the past.
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EastCoastMale
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 11:13 am: [report]
While Im sure some of the reasons that I feel as a male are strakly different, I generally agree and can see the point of view of this article. This was actually a really well written piece as a matter of fact, to me, even though it was in a list format it was very expressive in enumerating not only the feeling by why such a feeling is felt. Feeling as if I have a connection with the overall premise if not necessarily each detail still allowed me to connect with this piece and I too compliment your moving on and do things that make you happy. =)
Arty
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 11:20 am: [report]
Number 2 was something that was good about being in a relationship, and is now something I have to deal with now that I’m single and dating. What does it mean when someone does X is something I’m asking several times a week now that I never thought about when I was in my relationship.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 11:27 am: [report]
Trying to clarify what you mean. You feel that way now that your not in one because when you were, you knew what a reaction meant coming from that person. If they did something specific you were able to interpret it but now you are basing your thoughts on a whole different reference (person)? ..oh and I agree, its harder out of a relationship.
gailkonopbaker
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 11:35 am: [report]
great post as usual, Rachel. Gives me a lot to think about as someone married for a long time…. like am I not supposed to flirt and fantasize? And also #3… that’s a hard one! Thanks for writing this!
Arty
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 11:45 am: [report]
@East
Not only did I know what the reactions meant, but I could usually guess what a reaction would be! Now it’s more trying to interpret the actions of a variety of people, and yeah…it’s pretty much impossible.
alliecat
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 11:47 am: [report]
Finding yourself single during this time of year can really suck, and I’m finding that out first-hand myself. This was a great list! Thanks for reminding me of the silver lining to being single!
DancerNinja
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
What I love about being freshly out of a relationship has everything to do with I can do what I want, when I want, how I want, with who I want and I don’t have to run it through the screen of someone else’s schedule or emotions. And I prefer to stay single from Nov. 25 through Feb. 15 to also avoid holiday stress compounded by another person and their family drama. And I hate V-day.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
@miss
Yea I can definitely see that change in scenery posing a problem. Hmm well the only positive thing is maybe you wont have to try to predict an outcome since, like you said, dealing with different people its pretty much impossible.
Yellow
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
Hallelujah, sister! This is the first time in my dating life that I have been single and HAPPY about it! Sure, there are tough moments, but I’ve come to realize that I’m a pretty cool chica, and I deserve far better than my exes could offer. My life suddenly feels complete—instead of panicking about where my relationship is going constantly(#2 like crazy), I’m grabbing life by the horns, planning my first solo vacation (#8), making new friends, flirting up a storm (hello #4)and excited about finding a guy who love me and still allow me to enjoy some of the independence I’ve discovered over the past several months.
Claire Zulkey
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
RKB I will totally date you, especially if cupcakes are somehow involved <3
Rachel Kramer Bussel
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
@Claire Zulkey - cupcakes are ALWAYS involved.
Ha! Okay, maybe not always, but often. You, girl, are making marriage sound awesome (no offense, but not what I usually associate with it).
@gailkonopbaker - I definitely flirted and fantasized before, but…it’s different now.
And yes, I still really, really miss him, but am trying to focus on moving on. Did my retail therapy today at a place I MUST recommend: http://www.objetsdenvy.com coupon code holiday20 - yes, retail therapy TOTALLY helps. Now I can sparkle properly.
rachelhills
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 08:40 pm: [report]
Good article, Rachel - I especially like your point about Facebook. I’ve always avoided putting my relationship status online because I don’t want people knowing when I have a breakup (and am, usually, devastated), but well wishes would be much appreciated!
wilhelmina
wrote on December 16 2008 @ 12:39 am: [report]
@#5 I’m learning to love dressing up for myself, and it’s awesome
I’ve found it hard trying to change from an Angry Bitter Single to a Happy Content Single but it’s something I really want to do; trying not to dive headfirst into the first potential partner that comes my way…
Oliveira
wrote on December 16 2008 @ 01:00 am: [report]
I removed my relationship status from Facebook—the last year (since my last long-term thing fell apart) was… rocky and I’m a compulsive updater too
I’ve been single for a year now and I have started to date someone sort of more seriously and I find it a bit difficult to “switch off” the single feeling… the “I can flirt with everyone” thing especially. I’m also pretty possessive about my time, I got used to all those things you describe here—I don’t feel like telling anybody where I went last night and why, and when you’re getting a bit more serious with someone you are inevitably heading there.
An idea for a column, perhaps—something that’s bugged me for ages—when do you know you are no longer just seeing someone but you’re in fact in a relationship? Is there a timeframe involved or certain signs? A number of dates, like, 10 dates in (or 20, or 100…) When does one change their status on Facebook, so to say?
juliePS
wrote on December 16 2008 @ 08:38 am: [report]
Thank you for this article! I’ve been a confirmed bachelor for over a year, and people want to throw me a pity party when they find that out. Which is sad, because I love being single. It doesn’t mean I’ll never get laid again, after all, but the mindset just feels healthy and happy to me—the freedom and individuality that I lost in my last serious relationship.
grace
wrote on December 16 2008 @ 02:38 pm: [report]
Hello, I love being single, too!!! The best part for me is that I have had the opportunity to rediscover what makes me happy and what really matters to me most. It is so important to “know thyself.” I am also a big believer in God, and having Him as my source of strength has been very comforting as well. Because I have had no one but myself to rely upon at home, I have found that I can cook gourmet, knit designer, and sing and make music like the pros. There is no way this would have happened had I stayed in a stultifying relationship. I found out that I really love life! and that a bad relationship can really derail even the most well-intentioned souls. Your article really made a difference in my day, and I love you for writing it.
cupcakebabyee
wrote on December 21 2008 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
im currently single buh i just broke up with a guy i went out for a good year or so.I got depresed buh as time went on i started to get over it.Then i just got real HAPPY.I felt happy to be a happy lady.I realized what is the point of being in a relationship when its way better to be alone.
I would allways be stressing this thoughts in my head of what can be happening when im not with him,or does he really like me.But now that im free i can think for myself for once and not what his thinking about.A i feel happy now that i can just do anything i want…i dont think i’ll in a relationship in a while just so that it dont have to effect me as much.[this is my favorite article btw i love it!!]
Clever Visual
wrote on December 26 2008 @ 10:23 pm: [report]
eh, here’s the thing. being single is OK, sometimes. its not that great. me and my last gf broke up because it wasn’t working, and i was happy at first. “single again! woo!” that’s how i acted. but as time passed, i realized i really missed being in a relationship. I missed that physical and emotional attraction that i had with my gf. all those good times i had with her, i missed those. being in a relationship felt “right”. but in my case, it wasn’t meant to be. so yeah. i dont want to hear how being single is “great.” part of me thinks this whole article was written in an attempt to compensate for the hurt feelings of the last relationship. i do agree with #7 though. after breakups is a good time to evaluate yourself and become a better person.
FreeSpirit
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
I’ve been divorced for many years and still get pitying looks because I am alone. Actually I love it and wouldn’t have it any other way. I can do what I want, when I want, and don’t have to justify my actions or expenditures to anyone. I’m considered rather eccentric but I don’t care. (All right, VERY eccentric.) There’s nothing more pathetic than a middle-aged woman looking for a man. Where’s their self-respect? I know several women in horrible relationships they refuse to leave because they didn’t want to be alone again. I would much rather be alone than be with someone who treated me badly. I had enough of that when I was married.
It does have a down side, though. I have to deal with plumbers and car mechanics myself, although I usually manage not to cry now. It would be VERY nice to have someone to take care of the little presents my cat leaves on the doormat for me. But I’ve discovered that by flipping the headless carcasses at just the right angle, using a snow shovel, they land in my neighbor’s yard.