How To Get A Guy To Say “I Love You” First
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Wednesday April 22nd 2009
It’s never easy — or emotionally healthy — to try to make a guy fall in love with you, but that’s not what this article is about. This is about the guy who already loves you, and how you can encourage him to finally say it already. I’ve expressed my feelings about women saying “I love you” first. In my opinion, it’s important for men take the lead in uttering those words, but the truth is that most of them could use our help. Luckily, there are plenty of ways to encourage a man to say “I love you” without making the mistake of saying it first yourself.
First of all, if you’re waiting for a verbal expression of love to figure out how a guy feels, you’re way off base. The verbal expression is the last line of the story. Before that, a man gives all kinds of verbal and nonverbal clues as to his feelings for you: He spends a lot of time with you, he seems happy and relaxed in your presence, he’s introduced you to important people in his life, he’s told you how much he likes you and enjoys your company, and he’s talked about the future — even just the short-term future — with you in it. If he’s not doing these things, he doesn’t love you yet, and there’s no rule from a book that you can master and apply to make him fall for you any faster. If he doesn’t love you yet, this article isn’t for you.
If the man in your life has given you all the clues that he loves you, the easiest way to encourage him to say it out loud is to give him clues that you’re feeling it, too. Guys are as insecure as we are, if not more, and they need lots of affirmation that they’re accepted and their feelings are returned. Few of them will say “I love you” without having a pretty good feeling the sentiment is shared. So, give your own clues: spend time with him, show interest in his interests, laugh when you think he’s funny, make something for him (cookies, dinner, a card, a CD), and tell him you like him and enjoy his company. Don’t act needy, though. Understand the fine line between expressing your feelings and being desperate, and don’t cross it. Spending time with him doesn’t mean clearing your entire calendar of everyone else or dropping everything to be with the him the second he’s available. Showing interest in his hobbies doesn’t mean investing in a $500 golf bag and a collection of unflattering polo shirts because he likes Arizona. The key is to give him clues about how you feel, not deafen him with your guttural proclamations from the rooftop. The last thing a guy wants to do is profess his love to a woman who’ll never leave his side for a second once he does.
If you’ve given him plenty of clues that you love him, and he’s still not giving it up, give him a reason to do so. I’d been dating my boyfriend for about eight months before he dropped the “L” word, and I’m pretty sure he finally said it because he thought time was running out. We were long distance then, and I knew he was eager for me to make the move to New York, so I made it clear I wasn’t relocating across the country to be with someone who hadn’t even verbally expressed how he felt yet. I mean, I knew how he felt, but I wanted to hear him say it. He finally did, right before I boarded the bus to the airport after a week-long trip to New York over New Year’s. It was great to hear, and, of course, I returned the sentiment, but it’s not like those three words immediately changed anything between us — they only made explicit what had already been implicit for quite a while. Finally saying those words was like breathing a sigh of relief and relaxing a little more comfortably into the relationship.
Even if you aren’t in a long distance relationship with the potential of a move on the horizon, there are other ways to let a guy know it’s time for him to tell you how he feels. Resist flat-out asking him, which undermines all the ways he’s already shown you, and instead tell him that you have a pretty good idea what his feelings for you are, but you’d love to hear him say it sometime. This lets him know you’ve paid attention to the clues he’s shown while giving him permission to open up a bit more. If you’re ready for things to move forward, ask him where he thinks the relationship is headed. If he doesn’t reveal how he feels in his reply, chances are he’ll let you know soon, especially if you’ve both agreed things are growing more serious between you. Finally, if all the clues and questions in the world don’t prompt him to spill it, and you can’t bear to go one more day without hearing those three little words, I’m going to give an exception to my rule and advise you to go ahead and tell him you love him first. Just don’t be shocked if you get a smile and a “me too” in response. Some people have an aversion to all 4-letter words
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Oliveira
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]
My favourite bit is “...making the mistake of saying it first yourself”. Because, y’all, it’s still the 50s where Ms Atterberry lives.
WinkyFace
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
What about girls who are delusional and THINK a guy is totally into them when they aren’t? Seems to happen a lot.
And if you really truly know he loves you, why do you have to wait for him to say the words? Do 3 words suddenly make love more valid? (Remember the “Extreme” song?)
I still don’t see the harm in saying it first. If a guy is butt-crazy in love with you, there is no way he will be put off or freak out if the woman says it first. Quit playing mind games and say what you feel.
develange
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
I’m freaked out to say I love you first and my guy hasn’t said it, so it’s at the point where no one has said it and we’ve been dating for almost a year. It’s obvious he loves me, and I make it obvious that I love him, but still, neither of us can say it. Why is it so important to hear those words? I feel like I need some affirmation, though I already have it through action and other words.
kristy1584
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]
I agree with Develange. I refuse to say it first. BUT I dont get why the article is implying that its not ok for the girl to say it first. Whats the problem with that? I personally wont do it, but thats me. For other people it may be best for the girl to say it first…
Chelle
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 04:45 pm: [report]
If he loves you enough he’ll say it. And if you love him enough you won’t be able to contain yourself either. I think we need to stop worrying about the words themselves. A guy could tell you he loves you 10 times a day and still treat you like sh*t. Actions speak louder than words. Remember the song “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode?
barena
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 05:28 pm: [report]
Im sorry, but the article sucks and the concept is not only old-fashioned and sexist but also false.
barena
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 05:35 pm: [report]
Girls, love is an act, not just three words, but if you love someone, say it. don’t waste time, life is short, and why would you have to wait? assuming that means taking steps back from the equality women have fight for. Besides, who says that by saying it you are not gonna make him feel confident to turn back those words? stupid! I wonder what would happen if a male journalist giving advise to men said the same to them, encouraging readers not to say the words until their partners did so only to be sure and less vulnerable. Suddenly, the L word would dissappear. Thanks God some of us dont rationalize love.
theattack
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 07:27 pm: [report]
I don’t believe women should suppress their feelings because of traditional gender roles, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s appropriate or necessary to comment on someone’s blog about how horrible they are for believing something. If you don’t like it, read someone else’s articles. Sounds easy, right? Yeah, it is.
timmack
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 07:55 pm: [report]
Saying “I love you” comes much harder for a guy than for a woman. It’s not that the guy doesn’t want to say it. But most guys don’t want to be rejected solely on the basis that they’re not ready to provide financial security to their loved one.
Yes, times have changed, and most women are now employed. But, I would think that most guys would want to wait till they had enough of a financial cushion to withstand a loss of income if their partner became pregnant and was unable to work for a prolonged time period.
For true love is more than just a roll in the hay. And if a guy does not make provisions to provide for you, then you might question how serious he may really be. So, I would at least think, that it would be better to wait till he lets you know he loves you, and is ready to step up to the plate in all matters as needed.
theattack
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 08:08 pm: [report]
timmack: That’s an interesting take on it. To most girls though, “I love you” doesn’t equate to engagement, or even necessarily to a future engagement, or to any situation where he is bounded to provide for her financially. It’s an emotion, and we need to hear that you have it. Yes, think about that before you propose to us (if you’re the one proposing), but pleeeeeeeease don’t hold back telling us how you feel because you’re not financially ready for marriage. If we’ve been expecting the L word for months, and those three words haven’t come yet, you are most likely on probation with your girlfriend whether you know it or not. My boyfriend is right now for sure.
Backliteyes
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 09:04 pm: [report]
This article is logically inconsistent. First the author says “I made it clear I wasn’t relocating across the country to be with someone who hadn’t even verbally expressed how he felt yet.”
Then she says “Resist flat-out asking him, which undermines all the ways he’s already shown you, and instead tell him that you have a pretty good idea what his feelings for you are but you’d love to hear him say it sometime.”
If you think the first isn’t flat-out asking, then you’re fooling yourself and insulting the man’s intelligence. It’s asking him to verbalize that he loves you, with the threat that you will hold the relationship hostage until he does. How childish.
If you’re going to insist he say it first, you ought to be honest and state that as the case and your reasons for it instead of playing games by looking for and dropping clues and hoping he picks them up and reads your mind to understand what you want.
barena
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 06:27 am: [report]
theattak: love is not an emotion, it goes way beyond that. When its only an emotion its still not love, its just infatuation. Its when you take a deeper step when it becomes real love…so if its just an emotion dont say the L word cause you would be lying.
theattack
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
barena:
Yes, you’re absolutely right. I just didn’t type all of that out because I was trying to make a different point. Just wanted to quickly sum it up in one word.
moobush
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 05:46 pm: [report]
“HOW DO I DO THIS?!?! HOW DO I TELL HIM WITHOUT SOUNDING TOO EXPERIENCED?? omg it’s in, omgomgomg”
yeah, that’s basically what i can remember :/
Gingee
wrote on April 23 2009 @ 09:19 pm: [report]
Oh my goodness. I was the one who first said “I love you,” to my to-be husband.
Actually, hearing those words is not that important to this gal.
As for not acting needy, c’mon. That is one of the reasons to be with together, so that when you weep, he will hold your hand and reassure you that you are not alone.
When it comes to guys and their ‘emotions’, my general rule is to ignore what he says, and to pay attention to what he does.
lawgrl
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 08:39 am: [report]
I agree with Gingee 100%...I also said it first to my now husband.
I knew he loved me; he had already asked me to move in with him and we were living together at the time. In fact, I hadn’t given much thought to the fact that the actual words hadn’t been spoken yet (that’s how much he SHOWED me he loved me; I wasn’t even concerned with the words).
I was writing in a card for him, got to the closing line, and as I was writing the words “I love you” I realized that we hadn’t actually said the words to each other yet, shrugged & kept wiritng. When he read the card, he got a huge smile on his face and said “I love you too…I can’t believe we haven’t said that yet!” Four months later we were engaged. We both felt it, at that point why does it matter who said it first?
There’s also no reason to worry about acting needy. As long as you’re well adjusted and comfortable with yourself, showing someone that you need them and want their love/comfort/companionship is a no-brainer. If that bothers them, then they’re not the right person for you.
Ogbu
wrote on April 25 2009 @ 05:23 am: [report]
Not to be a wet blanket, but wasn’t this author’s opinion on this subject almost unanimously disagreed with before? I don’t think anyone has changed their minds ...
_Drew_
wrote on April 25 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
I’d suggest not obsessing about things like this: and not in the “well, I’m lazy and too chicken to be the one to say it” sort of way. DO say it, just make sure to start saying it a) when you finally do really mean it but b) still before you mean it to the degree that if they don’t feel the same way back that it would be a major letdown. If you can just let go of the fear of rejection or asking too much too soon, then the time will just come naturally, without planning or manipulative motives.
Because the reality is that it’s much nicer to realize months later that been telling each other that you love them for awhile than it is to build it up with anxiety and mark the days and dates until the first time. It can certainly be a nice feeling either way (big moment, or pleasant realization on reflection), but this is one of those things in which the anxiety of waiting for it can strain the actual feelings for no real reason.
Gingee
wrote on April 25 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
Thinking about this one: The Title is a bit offensive.
“How to Get a Guy to Say He Loves You First.” Love should be about many things, but one thing it should not be about is seeing who blinks first.
When I love a guy, to me, that means that his happiness is as integral to me as is my happiness.
‘If you’ve given him plenty of clues that you love him, and he’s still not giving it up.” C’mon.
Guys do not “do” clues.
Gals, if you love the fella, and you want him to know it, tell him, but please do not become an Emotional Vampire and expect/demand him to get chatty about feelings.
For all it is worth, I believe:
More precious than your love for me is my love for you because that’s mine.
Tell him you love him, because you want to say it.
GinGee
MissPiss
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 08:47 pm: [report]
Every freakin’ “I love you” ever said in any of my relationships came from the guy first! To me, men fall in love so easily. I grew up always hearing that women are the “crazies” that say I love you first! Damn emotional men!
Gingee
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]
Oh, please take the advice in that title, about how to win this petty power struggle over who blinks first and kick it to the curb.
Ladies, if you cannot tell that the guy loves you, by his actions, and not his words, you do not deserve to be in the relationship.
“Ask him where he thinks the relationship is headed.” Oh my gosh.
Enough already.
theattack
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 03:28 pm: [report]
Gingee,
It’s not a crime to want to hear someone say that they love you, even if you already know they do. “I love you” means more to me than just that he loves me. To me, hearing a guy say it is important because it means that he knows he loves me, and he’s put thought into it, and he loves the fact that he loves me.
And why is there anything wrong with asking where the relationship is headed? If I’m looking for a long term relationship, I want to know if the relationship I’ve been devoting my time to is worth continuing, or if it’s not going where I want it to go.
Gingee
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
You are answering a comment I never made. Of course, it is not a crime to want to hear the male say “I love you.”
Context is everything. There is nothing wrong with asking the man if he intends to stay and eventually marry you, provided that you have been together at least six months and are sexually exclusive, at a minimum.
John T. Molloy researched this, about how to marry the man of your dreams, and one complaint from men was that the women were in too much of a hurry to become a couple.
theattack
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 06:11 pm: [report]
Gingee,
I understood your previous comment as an insult to women who did want to hear the L word, with the “Oh my gosh. Enough already.” Sorry if I misunderstood you.
Gingee
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 07:30 pm: [report]
No problemo. I’m taking a new anti-histamine (allergies) and I sound crazy to myself.
rockyboy
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 08:02 am: [report]
This BS of “getting the guy to do something” is classic female neurotic insecurity leading to manipulative game-playing. It is NOT cute. It is NOT healthy. And it is one of the biggest turn-offs around. Stop the insane games and get real - open, honest, vulnerable. If you can’t, question your readiness for intimacy.