Frisky Rant: Is The Male Lesbian Fantasy Messing With Women’s Sexuality?
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
sex
3:30PM, Tuesday January 20th 2009
With the proliferation of straight girl-on-girl action being popularized in the media—from “Girls Gone Wild” and Miley Cyrus’ sleepover kiss, to Katy Perry’s hit “I Kissed A Girl” and super-babe Megan Fox admitting she had a girlfriend—there has been a great change in the way female sexual orientation is perceived. It has become more of an open spectrum than a box. There is a clear upside to straight women making out with another woman without anyone batting an eyelash—we should all be free to do what and who we feel without judgment. However, Details magazine has tried to explain the downside. In the article, “Flirting With Disaster,” men recount how their lesbian fantasies became an obsession that turned into a variety of devastating scenarios. From the guy who pressured his girlfriend to the point that she felt violated, to a guy whose threesome dirty talk made his wife realize she was gay, sometimes taking a chance that seems irresistible can bring about the downfall of a relationship. However, the real problem here is that men often feel like they are responsible for and therefore dominate the desires and sexual expression of both people in a relationship.
Both critics and supporters of bisexual antics find something inherently wrong with it being a performance for a male audience. Sure, we straight gals would love to give the men in our lives the boner of a lifetime, but there comes a point where our sexuality becomes a mere extension of our partner’s dreams. What about our own fantasies? Almost 60% of our Frisky readers said that two men going at it is sexy. As a woman who loves gay male porn and has dated bisexual men, I get off on my homosexual dreams, but I rarely get the chance to gawk at two straight men going at it to get female attention. However, the number of women I’ve seen making out merely to make an impression on the men around is too high for me to have kept count. I don’t want to rain on anyone’s alcohol-induced parade, but there’s a difference between pushing your sexual boundaries and crossing a line. It’s one thing if your partner naturally toes that line and is aroused by same sex sexytimes and it’s another if you’re the only one getting off. It’s unfair and creepy, but also a tricky situation. It’s a completely natural desire to have a gay fantasy and it’s nice to have a partner who is so eager to please your whims in the sack, but it might be hard to realize the consequences of something that just seems so fun and sexy. However, make no mistake, there can be penalties for everyone involved.
Amity Pierce Buxton runs a support group for spouses spurned by their partner’s realization that they’re gay. According to her estimate in Details, 30% of the phone calls she receives are from men. However, they face an extreme amount of shame because of the pervasive lesbian fantasy seen all over the media—like the steamy letters in Penthouse‘s “Forums”, bisexual darling Lindsay Lohan, and reality show whore Tila Tequila. These men thought their fantasy would go the way Katy Perry tells it—she kissed a girl, liked it, but then immediately ran back to her boyfriend. But as they found out, that’s not always the case.
In the Details article “Jason,” 30, a marketing executive, considered the time he was invited to watch two women have sex to be the best time of his life. He hoped the woman he wanted to marry would be willing and able to show her affection for him by being open to having sex with another woman. In her attempts to satiate his dream, his girlfriend went through with a lesbian encounter, but she hasn’t been able to recover from the experience, in which she felt she was a pawn, and the couple is now in therapy. She felt manipulated, pressured into something that’s become a norm, but just simply wasn’t her cup of tea. Now the status quo seems to be telling women that they’re weird if they don’t want to hook up with another woman. The freedom to express same sex sexual desires openly has been perverted and you must be an uptight prude if you don’t want to fondle another girl solely for a man’s pleasure!
On the other hand, I am willing to bet that it would seem preposterous to the vast majority of men who are willing to ask the girlfriends and wives to go gay for them, if the shoe was on the other foot and their girlfriends asked for some guy-on-guy action. So why is it that we women cave for male attention? Do we have to stick to our sexual guns (no pun intended) or do we have to devalue sex acts and be cavalier about gender in order for the sexual revolution to truly equalize things? As we’re barraged by seductive images and openness about orientation, we must learn that the lesson here is there is no sexual standard. There are so many options, kinks, twists, and nuances to every kind of human relationship, and sex is no different. It’s all a matter of personality and we have to write sexuality on that list of essential items of self-discovery. It’s silly to treat sexuality as a mere trend or publicity stunt. We have to listen to ourselves and march to the beat of our own desire drummer.
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theothergyllenhaal
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]
“...to a guy whose threesome dirty talk made his wife realize she was gay.”
Doesn’t seem like much of a downside for her. It’s like avoiding Indian food all your life, then trying it one day and realizing it’s your favorite food.
Amelia
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
Downside for him though!
Kiki T
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]
Bonsai!!! I sooo find women hooking up for the sake of turning on a man degrading—but I am all for women exploring their sexuality in anyway shape or form…in some ways, gender can be seen as just another sex toy to mess with.
par3
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 04:54 pm: [report]
i read a study a while ago and said that women in a study were defined as _____________ which means they are aroused by both female and male erotic images (gay and straight) and that it is found in almost all women, according to their findings. and no it’s not ‘bi’...it’s some different term, i’ve been thinking about this forever. if anyone knows what i’m talking about please let me know.
Chelle
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 05:49 pm: [report]
I think these straight women doing this are an insult to bi and homosexual women. I understand experimenting but to do this for a man’s (or anyone else’s) entertainment cheapens it. It may also create confusion and possibly even heartache if one of the girls is actually bi or lesbian. Also, a man might think he wants to see his S.O. do this, then when it happens become jealous. I’ve seen it happen. My boyfriend believes this qualifies as cheating just as much as sleeping with another man. The emotional consequences can be the same (depending on the person). I’d never given it much thought, but after he told me this I can say I totally agree. It would break my heart if he slept with a man (I’m also not turned on by guys sleeping together, personally) so why wouldn’t it go the other way? I remember watching an episode of “Loveline” when Dr. Drew said that this sort of thing is not a good idea because it can ruin a relationship. I’d say that’s good advice.
robf
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 05:50 pm: [report]
I’m probably in the minority for men, and maybe vast minority, but I’ve never really found the idea of two women together exciting. Not that I have any issues whatsoever with bisexuality or homosexuality, it’s all cool to me. Just not what I turn to when it comes to sexual desires.
The stereotypical male fantasy of a threesome with two women never interested me either.
eden
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 07:11 pm: [report]
Sigh. I’m sick of this #&@$%. If you make out with someone of your sex to please your man without having had similar desires before or without being turned on by or enjoying the act, YOU. ARE. NOT. BISEXUAL. I would argue you are not even heteroflexible, which is a term straight people who ENJOY having sexual activity with people of thier own sex use.
If you like being slutty in this way, go for it and have fun! But do you need a bullcrap label for it? No. Giving yourself a label because you do something you’re not really into for guys to make yourself feel better about it is degrading to women, NOT the act itself.
Sorry. Feel strongly about this as it takes the p out of actual gay and bi girls. Also, that flirting with disaster article was terrible!
Simcha
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 08:46 pm: [report]
@par3
omnisexual- that’s what Sophie B. Hawkins of “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” fame is
omnisexual:
Person attracted to all sexes and to all forms of sexuality, in distinction to bisexual (attracted to two sexes) and monosexual (attracted to one sex).
SYNONYMS: pansexual
dangerousdebbie
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 08:51 pm: [report]
i completely agree with you chelle! i have been on the other end of it, and trust me, it’s not fun to have to wonder if it meant the same thing to the other person as it did to you. i guess it just goes to show that communication in any kind of sexual relationship is key.
and just to reiterate: exploring your sexuality with people of the same sex when it turns you on? cool. amazingly cool.
mackin’ on someone of the same sex for attention? degrading, childish, and insulting to people who really do have same sex attraction.
Chico B
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 09:00 pm: [report]
The problem isn’t with the doing of straight women trying on lesbianism, even if it’s a one-off for kicks. The key part is the “for kicks” part of the equation.
If you’re not getting kicks out of it, then don’t do it. And if you’re in a relationship where you’re feeling pressured to do something you don’t like, then maybe the problem isn’t with the girl-girl end of things, but with the dynamic of the relationship itself.
If you’re being forced to do something against your will, be it sexual or not, that’s where you want to start making changes. I know what Chris Rock said about “If you try something once, then it’s always on the menu,” but that’s not true.
If you don’t like it, don’t do it. If you’re being forced or guilt-tripped into doing something that doesn’t work for you, then get out.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 08:15 am: [report]
@ robf, Im with you. I have never found either of the two particularly arousing, two women making out be they straight or whatever/bi/lesbian or a threesome with two women. I only want one woman with the sexual appetite of two lol jk (but I wouldn’t mind it), after all I want one set of lips and everything else for me to concentrate on and let her know that she has my full attention.
I agree that hooking up on any level, no matter your orientation, with another woman just to please a man if you are not into it is wrong. Guys that constantly hint at it and trying to make it sound like there’s “no pressure” but become so persistent to the point that it is all pressure, should just go to a “high-fiving backwards hat cruise” and never return. If both you and he are into it and want to explore, have at it, but if its solely because he brought it up or he makes you think if you don’t his fantasy will be crushed, then too bad for him.
thecaptain
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
so glad to finally see an article on this topic (new to the site)!!! the lines have become extremely blurred between what a woman is choosing to do for herself versus doing it to be accepted by a man. these days, it seems like something is wrong with a chick if she hasn’t frequented the strip clubs or made out with another chick. i’m heterosexual and happily monogomous, but i say each to her own. i fear for the new generation of teens right now who are getting the message that to be liked by men, they have to be willing to put themselves in sexual situations as defined by these men. our culture is failing women in the sense that we don’t give girls enough messages on how to feel good about themselves, how to feel beautiful and not compete with other women, and how to not define themselves through a man’s eyes. learn who you are sexually but by your own definitions. great article!
Holly Page
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
@thecaptain “Our culture is failing women in the sense that we don’t give girls enough messages on how to feel good about themselves” YES! While I don’t disagree with the general sentiment in the comments that women who make out w/ other women just for male attention/approval is degrading and disrespectful, I do think that there is more blame/responsibility being placed on women to change, rather than on men to stop expecting real women’s sexualities to mirror what they see in porn. Unfortunately, women are taught that their value lies in their ability to attract and arouse men; faux-bisexuality is just a symptom of that much larger problem.
thecaptain
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
Holly-such a problem, no?? It’s a cycle that I don’t know how we begin to break. We are a culture obsessed with beauty and attention. I, too, fall into this at my own times. I think part of the problem is that it is our cave-woman instinct to always be trying to attract the males. That is fine; all well-and-good. I don’t think we have a lot of control over our cave-woman instincts. But we have control over what happens when those insitncts surface. But we aren’t given/giving out the skills, however, to do something about it. I TOTALLY agree with you “women are taught that their value lies in their ability to attract and arouse men…”.
Provocative Girl
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
Threesomes are a bad idea on so many different levels. Sure, you’re in a great stable relationship and you want to spice things up a little bit and invite another girl into the bedroom with you, but have you really thought it out before you do? Most people don’t. You’re partner might think that they like the idea of you messing around with another girl, but when you two leave him sitting on the other side of the bed just watching all night is he really going to enjoy not being a part of the action at all? Of if the other girl starts to mess around with him how would you feel then (personally, I think I’ll flip out just a little)? And the next day, what the hell do you do then? You’re back to that super awkward just had a one night stand and don’t know how to casually walk home. If the man your dating keeps pressuring you to have a threesome and you aren’t into it all all, then you should probably evaluate your relationship.
vegdumpling
wrote on January 23 2009 @ 09:43 pm: [report]
i was so ranting about this topic to my sister and mom last month.
now, i’m a bisexual girl and i actually had an encounter with a girl who did this. unfortunately, for me i didn’t realize that until much later. i honestly believe that she believed she might have been at least a little attracted to girls, but when the guys disappeared and it was the just the two of us… let’s just say she had a change of heart.
it’s been years and i’m still get pissed thinking about that. i feel bad that this girl was so confused but in the end we are both victims of this idea. i supposed her making out with girls in bars was how she tried to attract men.
she may not have realized it until after the fact but she was lying about her sexuality and that hurts many people. sure, making out is fun but it’s not meant to be fun for an audience, it’s meant for the participants.
Enza
wrote on January 25 2009 @ 02:22 pm: [report]
The hottest guy I’ve ever had in bed once told me that his fantasy would be “to have sex with me, and another woman”. I answered, “Well, I don’t dig chicks, but I really don’t think you’d want to do that. Not because of my own idiosyncrasies, it’s that I’m very jealous of your attention, and the moment you touch someone else, I think I’ll run to the kitchen, grab a knife, and come back and cut your penis off.” He looked like his blood curdled, and that was the last time we dealt with that issue. In fact, after that we’ve always had wild and crazy sex… we still do and that’s over 30 years ago. He still gets excited from just saying hello to me… Are men so bloody vain that the idea that I could really hurt him excited him even more?
Simcha
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
@ dangerous debbie
Man, what a bummer. It really hurts when someone pretends to like you just to get some…sigh. That’s serious girl on girl crime territory! A really good point to add!
jss
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
My girlfriend has cheerily suggested to me that MFM makes much more sense than FFM, from a standpoint of what goes where.
mikeyellenlee
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 12:36 am: [report]
My ex and I once talked dirty to each other about me with another girl during sex…and every time after that, I had to talk dirty to him the same way for him to get off. I felt as if I wasn’t enough and soon became depressed. I broke it off soon after.
missduplicity
wrote on February 6 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
Chelle said: “I think these straight women doing this are an insult to bi and homosexual women. I understand experimenting but to do this for a man’s (or anyone else’s) entertainment cheapens it”
Chelle, I have to disagree with you there, to a point. As a bisexual female, sure, I find media stunts like the Britney/Madonna kiss a few years ago to be insulting, but on the spectrum of things, I think that any girl ready and willing to make out with her friend at a party is probably not ALL THAT STRAIGHT to begin with.
According to the Kinsey scale (http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html), there are several different gradations of homosexuality that men (and presumably women) can fall under. Women who are truly all-hetero probably wouldn’t be caught dead swapping spit with another chick, even for amusement. So while it’s true that just-for-show girlmances can rub “the rest of us” the wrong way sometimes, I think it’s more about the intentions behind the actions, rather than the actions themselves.
If a “straight” girl feels compelled to experiment with an attractive friend, she shouldn’t feel like a “poser” for wanting to do so—so long as her desires are motivated from within, and not from outside pressure or a desire to be “hot.”
Chelle
wrote on February 6 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
@missduplicity- I’ve never heard of the “Kinsey Scale”. That’s interesting, thanks for the link. I think you misunderstood my comment. You said you disagreed with me but you actually agreed. When I said “I understand experimenting” I meant that there’s nothing wrong with experimenting. When you said “as long as her desires are motivated from within and not from outside pressure…” that was what I was getting at by saying doing it for other’s entertainment cheapens it. There’s no value to something you do to entertain others that you wouldn’t do for yourself.
angel001717
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 09:33 pm: [report]
yeah two girls is way too many holes and not enough d!cks lol id prefer mfm, the guys both being into the girl (not each other…)
LauraRB
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:55 pm: [report]
I’m a pretty sexually open-minded person. I have gone to strip clubs, I enjoy porn. Girls Gone Wild sends me into a realm of pissed-off that I can’t even fully explain. The fact that these girls are most likely drunk and most likely macking on each other only with the pathetic hope to get on a video. And that these idiot girls somehow think that showing their tits and tonguing someone will lead to a career in Hollywood, meanwhile that c*cks*cker who owns GGW is making a mint off these girls. I think girl-on-girl is icky, and I don’t know any women who think guy-on-guy is anything less than totally repulsive. If you are genuinely gay, great, live your life and be happy! But faking it for the pleasure of some troglodyte… stupid. Plus, we’re the only species where the female primps and preens for the attention of the male. THEY should be doing that for us! We should be the ones watching the procession of males out to earn our attention. How did it get turned around?? We’re supposed to be able to choose the best specimens, dammit!
angel001717
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 11:08 pm: [report]
YEAH! wtf is up with that. in the animal world its MALES who have to WORK to get a girl. so twisted in human-land.
_jsw_
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 11:36 pm: [report]
@angel001717: I think it’s quite arguable that quite a few human males do have to work to get a girl.
angel001717
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]
yes, that is true. but they still are not the ones society puts major pressure on to be “perfect”. men work to get a specific girl, women are expected to maintain a level of gorgeousness on a constant basis. and while it is obviously not something they MUST do, it is something most are at least guilted into. and i am not speaking of looking like… Scarlett Johanason. im saying it takes $ and time and pain to be shaved, waxed, plucked, lotioned up, with soft supple hair, decently clothed, wearing heels occasionally, maintain nice teeth and sparkling skin etc. part of all this is a biological inclination. i, personally, am a bit of a perfectionist and like to strive for my own personal best. maybe some of that was bred from a culture that encourages dissatisfaction with oneself as originally designed. i cant help wishing i *could* let myself go a bit.
i dont mean to rag on the opposite sex here. i love the men. but im just saying that most women have to WORK at it.