Dear Wendy: Why Is He So Hot And Cold With Me?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Wednesday August 26th 2009
There must be something in the air. Almost every letter I’ve received over the last couple of weeks has dealt in some way with the same theme: ambiguous feelings. Take this letter, for example:
“I met this guy back in March and almost instantly there was an attraction and undeniable chemistry between us. He lives in Baltimore and I live in Houston, which to me meant the relationship wouldn’t work and we would just enjoy the time while he is here on vacation. To my surprise, we continued the communication and we have even traveled to see each other. Things seemed to be going fine and falling in place, right? WRONG!?!?! The best way I can describe the problem is… he is so hot and cold with me. One week he is on it—calling, texting, sending pictures, keeping the lines of communication open and flowing. But then the very next week I won’t hear from him for days, he won’t respond to my calls, texts, or anything. But then a week or two weeks later he is back on again. At first I suspected there was someone else, but I know there isn’t. He claims he is just so busy because he is trying to run his own business, he is active in the Navy, and he is trying to be a good father to his girls. So yeah, I get that he’s busy, but is it too much ask for a simple text back or a simple call just saying ‘hello’? I love this man and even though I haven’t verbalized it I know it is shown through my actions. I haven’t been reassured of his feelings but I am afraid if I ask then he will be scared away. He is consuming my thoughts and I am just so confused on what my next move should be. Because if it is up to me, on his next trip out here I would propose and lock him in for life. Please help!” —Hopeless
Read my reply after the jump.
There are so many red flags in this letter, I feel like someone dropped me into the middle of a Target logo. First of all, how do you know he doesn’t have another woman on the side? He lives halfway across the country and routinely goes a week or two without so much as texting you? Even he doesn’t have another woman (or two or three) on the side, at the very least, he’s showing a real lack of investment in your relationship. Secondly, how well have you really gotten to know a guy who lives long-distance, runs his own business, is active in the Navy, and has kids? When you say you’ve “traveled to see each other,” do you mean that you’ve visited one another multiple times and have supplemented those trips with long and frequent phone calls and emails? Because, frankly, that’s the only way I see it possible for two people who met long-distance to attempt a relationship and fall in love.
And that brings me to red flag #3. You think you’re in love with this guy?! If it were up to you, you’d “propose and lock him in for life”? You’d actually consider spending your future with someone who, at the very least shuts down all forms of communication when he’s busy, and at the worst, lies and cheats and hopes you don’t catch on? You’ve known this man for five months — almost all of which have been long-distance and with regular periods of no communication — a man you’re leery of verbalizing your feelings for fear of scaring him away, and yet, if it were up to you, you’d set a wedding date with this guy and “lock him in for life”? I’m not so sure his “hot and cold” feelings here are the real problem.
Look, I don’t have a thing against long-distance relationships; I married my former long-distance boyfriend, after all! I know they can be successful, but as I’ve said before, in order for them to work, there HAS to be great communication, mutual respect, frequent visits with one another, and an end date. From the sounds of it, Hopeless, I’m not sure you’re even 1 for 4. If this truly is someone you’re crazy about and you want this relationship to work, you’re going to have to be honest with yourself and with him. Tell him how you’re feeling and ask if he’s on the same page. If he isn’t, then you’ve got your answer and you can quit barking up the wrong tree. If he is on the same page, it’s time to set some guidelines for this long-distance relationship so you aren’t left out in the cold any longer. Bottom line: the only thing to really fear in this situation is hiding from the truth. Good luck.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at wendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
reddeb
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 11:07 pm: [report]
@dopaminer
Thank you for this: “And when he texts you after a long time(weeks) its because he just needs you for that moment. You are kinda like his fall back option as you are always available. He knows that even if he never replies to your texts you will always reply to his.” I think that is something we women all needed to read.
onewriter
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 01:48 am: [report]
yes. very true. may I add, and I have to tell myself this over and over as well, men are hunters. make HIM come to you. then you reward him. that’s the way it’s supposed to be. that’s what they’re comfortable with. my SO knows how I feel about him, and although he’s not ready to be the same with me, I am still here for him at the same time I let HIM make most of the moves. Then when the time is right, I let myself take the initiative, and it makes him feel like he’s “hunting”...primal, yes, but very true for most men. Basic psychology. Basic biology. Back off, let him make the moves. Stay cool. If he’s truly busy, but truly interested, he knows where you are and won’t want to lose your friendship. Do NOT say you love him again.
onewriter
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 01:50 am: [report]
sorry, you said you hadn’t verbalized it…DON’T say it. You don’t mean it and he will know that. If he has two kids, he has already been “that route” and may not want more right now any way.
DancingGeek
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
I’d let this one go, if he doesn’t think enough of you to text you even if he’s really really super busy and important(really? he doiesn;t have 30 seconds??/), here it comes… wait for it… He’s just not that into you.
ootie
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]
My best friend dated a guy just like this. They met when she was spending the summer in a different city, and ended up talking a lot and visiting when she got back, so they made it official. The relationship was painful to watch after the first few weeks. She thought and talked about him constantly, and he would go days or weeks without calling. When he finally did call, she would be scared to really call him out on it because she was afraid to lose him, and he always had a bevy of excuses. It really sucked to be witness to this, as her best friend. The relationship really brought out the worst in her—it made her act like a crazy person, obsessing over him constantly and calling him from unknown numbers to see if he’d pick up the phone. Its done her a world of good to get out of this toxic relationship. In her mind, however, he was still the perfect guy, just too “busy”. Too busy to respond to a text, even just to say “sorry I’m busy”? Even if its not right then, but maybe sometime in the next day or two? Uhhhh. That’s really extremely crazily busy.
MoonBabye
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 07:46 pm: [report]
Classic imaginary relationship. Live your life and date other people. Never make someone a priority when you’re only an option.
onewriter
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 08:02 pm: [report]
maybe take a look at other relationships you’re in/have been in. is there a pattern of this? do you only want people that you can’t have?
Gingee
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 05:46 am: [report]
To the letter writer:
Kick hinm to the curb.
Aside from the mood swings, and the fact that he chooses to not pursue you, the guy has baggage. The kids.
You can do better.
bogart4017
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
It reminds me of the old Marvelettes record: “Danger! Heartbreak Dead Ahead”.
See if you can pull back for a while. Just to see if he takes the initiative on a regular basis. Meanwhile keep it moving in the other direction. What you don’t know can truly hurt you.
gloriafretz
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:08 pm: [report]
Wendy, I completely agree with your take on successful long distance relationships. They can work out, if you are both willing to put in the leg work. I am actually moving to South Carolina next month to be with my long distance beau and couldn’t be happier. We talk constantly, which has made our understanding and respect for each other so much deeper. We visit each other often, and we have set an end date. I think that Hopeless’ case is truly hopeless if they can’t even communicate with each other on a regular basis :(
Oliveira
wrote on August 30 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
Have you ladies ever heard of Emotionally Unavailable Men? I dated one and this one sounds somewhat familiar, so to say… Check out this site (not mine): http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
PotteryGirl
wrote on August 31 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
@TheLetterWriter -
I literally just left this exact same relationship (or should I say “faux relationship”) a few weeks ago. So some words based on painful experience - RUN LIKE THE WIND. There is only one person in that relationship and it’s you. I know it’s painful to your ego, but you are a convenience to him and nothing more. When he has time for you, fine. When he’s busy with work and life matters, you take a back seat and I know, that’s not a fun place to be. You can do better and you deserve more.
OldFashionedGirl
wrote on August 31 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
Dear Hopeless,
I can totally relate to what you’re saying and I agree with everything everyone has said on here. I was also in a long distance relationship that in the beginning went very well, until some very unfortunate things happened in his life. I tried to be the supportive and compassionate girlfriend and, in the end, felt much disappointment, sadness & anger over the way he treated me. We all deserve more than what you described above.
A friend of mine recommended a book to me call “Don’t Call That Man!” by Rhonda Findling. It’s a Survival Guide to Letting Go. You must read this book…it will help you through these trying times. It’s an easy read and chapter 7 The Ambivalent Man describes your guy and will help you move forward.
Do not call that man!! Do not text or email that man!! He has issues…don’t make them yours.
Best of luck to you and take care.