Dating Amelia: Closure Can Be Bittersweet

Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry Filed in: relationships
9:30AM, Wednesday July 1st 2009

Comments (46)

Dating Column About Dating After A Breakup

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to be dating again, that I was still dealing with the lingering effects of my last relationship in which my fiance ended things suddenly.

“...I desperately fear, in all sincerity, that I will never again find someone who loved me like my ex-fiance did. And that even if I do, they will likely leave me the way he did. Isn’t that pathetic?”

A friend of mine emailed me, specifically about that line, saying it wasn’t what she expected to hear me say.

According to my timeline, he was overlapping his relationship with her with his promises to me. That while he was screwing her, he was telling me to hold onto my engagement ring “just a little longer,” implying that he hoped to see me eventually wear it again.

She wrote:

“I stumbled over that part a few times as it didn’t make sense. I expected it to read:

‘Because I desperately fear, in all sincerity, that I will only meet men who love me the way my ex-fiance did.’ Or ‘Because I desperately fear, in all sincerity, that I will never meet a man who treats me better than my ex-fiance did.’

I know you may argue that he treated you great until the surprise ending but…it stuck out to me that maybe there is something in that sentence to help you get to the bottom of this.”

I thought a lot about what she said and definitely recognize that a lot of the pain associated with my breakup has to do with my own internal struggle over what I “deserve” and my faith in finding it.

Today I found out the truth about something I already suspected. I learned that my ex, who I spent nearly five years with and almost married, lied to me, multiple times to my face, about having an inappropriate relationship with a female coworker. During the initial part of our break, which lasted exactly three months from mid-September to mid-December of 2008, I was under the impression that my ex had our eventual reunion in mind, after he worked through various issues with the help of a therapist. That he hoped, in the end, that we would get back together. He didn’t know if that was where we would end up, but that’s what he told me he hoped. And I believed him.

Believing him meant that I supported his decision to move out of our apartment; it meant that I took on the full time care of our dog; it meant that I grieved for the (at that time, I thought temporary) loss of our relationship all by myself. I believed he would eventually make his way back to me, because I naively though that’s what he ultimately wanted too.

Midway through our break, I started to suspect that there was more going on than I knew. I’m not proud of it, but I searched through his email on a desperate fact finding mission. He had told me his password to just about everything years ago, and I suppose it’s a real testament to his trust in me that after we went on a break he never bothered to change the passwords he used for his various email accounts, AIM, or Facebook. The part of me that was caught so off guard by our sudden split was desperate to know what had happened, what had been the catalyst for his sudden decision to leave.

I found two email chains that supported my suspicions that things were not entirely professional between my ex and a woman who worked below him in his department below him. Phone records (at the time we had a shared plan, so my analysis of them was hardly out of bounds) offered further evidence. It was enough to make me confront him, though I didn’t tell him that I had searched his email. Looking back, I wish I had. Maybe he would have finally told me the truth and I could have dealt with the betrayal awhile ago. Instead he denied. And he denied again. At one point, I begged him to tell me the truth; that if he wanted me to move on, all he needed to do was to tell me that he had met someone else. He looked me in the eye more than half a dozen times and swore that my suspicions were way off base. And because I still loved him and believed in him so much, I chose to take him at his word.

Now I feel stupid. There is no doubt now that he lied. In fact, from what I understand, he is still involved with this woman. That their relationship is not a complete secret anymore and that they had to “disclose” it at work. But how much has he disclosed to the people that matter? He lied to me about it, and likely his family as well. According to my timeline, he was overlapping his relationship with her with his promises to me. That while he was screwing her, he was telling me to hold onto my engagement ring “just a little longer,” implying that he hoped to see me eventually wear it again. When we finally split officially in mid-December, by my count, he had been involved with her for at least two months. And now that I know how easily he lied to me, I sincerely believe there is a real possibility he cheated on me, with her, during a work trip three weeks before our break. If he denied it, I would not believe him.

So what do I do with this information? I unleashed my rage on him, for one, writing him a scathing email telling him exactly what I knew. I’m sure he won’t respond, in fact I doubt that he will even read it. It will be the last communication I ever have with him and, in a way, as heartbreaking as it is—because I miss the person I loved so goddamn much—it has offered me the closure I needed. These suspicions have been festering for so long, adding to not only my distrust of men, but my distrust in my own instincts. Now that I know my instincts were right, how do I move forward and not allow this betrayal to effect my relationships in the future? I’m not sure yet, but one thing I do know is that I definitely deserve better.

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Tags: dating, breakups, dating amelia, relationship lies

Comments (46)

comments

tabby
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 09:48 am: [report]

Amelia,

You do deserve better. I have been where you are now and I am still hurt by my ex’s behavior, even though it was years ago. However, the best thing you can take away from this situation is to always believe your gut. There are good men out there (Even I have one now) and your gut will be able to tell you which ones are worthy of you and which ones aren’t. Best of luck.

Humble Bee
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]

You absolutely deserve better!
I think that in a way he thought he could have both of you, that’s why he couldn’t be straight up with you. He could have easily said, yes I met someone else, let’s end this, but like you mentioned, he kept you hanging on a little longer, because if things didn’t work out with his co-worker then he’ll just get married. The feeling of betrayal is the worst, it’s this lingering feeling of always doubting people because of what happened with someone else. I know that’s why I don’t really trust people, specially men. This should only make you stronger, and more headstrong, to not trust so easily. I know it’s easier said than done, but always trust your instincts and not other people’s word. On the bright side, thank him for sparing you a miserable married life, if he cheated on you, don’t expect him to be faithful to his co-worker. He’ll regret everything once he starts hearing your name all over the place and sees how successful you’ve become without him.

maroon
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 09:54 am: [report]

If he seriously cheated, he doesn’t even deserve the time of day from you. Your words to him would only fuel his hubris, the fact that he could have his (and someone else’s) cake and eat it too would be brought up again and he’d feel some sort of twisted deserving out of the confrontation. If you say nothing, it means you shut the door to the relationship, not him, and he can’t go back to wonder if he could somehow have that control over you again. He’s an ass, there’s no two ways around that, but the longer you brood about the old you and him, the longer it will take to find your firm ground for the new you to get out there and take risks again.

chouette
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]

Oh man Amelia, I really feel for you. Something pretty similar happened to me a year ago and I still can’t make sense of it. It was all deny, deny, deny and I also discovered questionable information in his email. I still don’t know what really happened, but it’s left me completely unable to trust my judgement or men in general. It is completely beyond me how anyone can treat someone who they claim to love so poorly. I hope this closure is helpful for you in some way, but I’m also sorry that such an important relationship had to end in an awful way like this.

Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]

@maroon Agreed. Which is why this is the last of him in my life.

Angie57
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]

Thank you for sharing this here. I have been going through the same thing this past year. My ex suddenly broke up with me and immediately entered a new relationship but still let me think that the break-up was due to some fault of my own. Only after the break up did I realize that my ex had an extreme fear of being alone and had actually stayed in our relationship he wasn’t happy with for over a year until he found his next girlfriend. I have actually come to pity him because he does not know how to be happy on his own. He will never truly be content with himself. I am so much stronger and better without him and I can tell from your blog entries that you are too. Thank you so much for sharing this!

Mainer
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]

The perplexities of human behavior is very interesting. It is best seen through the disparities in the thought process between the two sexes. Men want to be a woman’s first love, where as women want to be a man’s last love. This is where we find ourselves running into the controversial and prevalent social phenomenon known as “commitment issues.”

I wish that I, as a male, could provide some soulful words of encouragement and reassurance. But I’m sure receiving advice from a male right now is not something you are looking for, or would even tolerate. Hang in there. Not all men are the same.

ClatieK
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]

Big sigh here. Big hugs to you.

writergirl
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]

I went through this years ago. The only thing I can say is, trust your instincts. That doesn’t mean you need to go crazy and start becoming suspicious of everything the next guy does and or says, but you’ll just know if something, for lack of a better term, is “off”.

And he’s done. He’s dead to you. Delete the email you sent from your sent box (WITHOUT printing a copy) and then clear your deleted emails out. He no longer can factor in your life in anyway, other than as a lesson learned.

Do what you need to with this information, process it however you need to, then shut it off and move on. As the others said, you deserve better. If you believe as much, you WILL find better.

(And I know that last statement is so totally hokey, dorkey and assinine, but it does really hold some water)

magz
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]

Amelia thank you for sharing your story.

I think you’ve come to make me realize (as much as I wouldn’t want to face it) that I’ve been that other woman.

And as a surrogate to whoever that chick is that hurt you (but not denying that he had a part too), I’m sorry. I believed him when he said you were over. I chose not to pay attention to the things I noticed that would have suggested otherwise. I believe he cheated on me too with another unsuspecting woman, he no doubt lied to in order to get in bed. I’m sorry. It’s one of my biggest regrets and hardest lessons to learn.

We both deserve men we can trust.

lovelie
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]

My mom always reminds me during times of loss and sadness, that this too shall pass. It seems as we get older, the heartbreaks cut deeper as well. I had a similar experience a few years ago, with an ex who I had dated for over 5 years. Near the end, the suspicions started to wear on our otherwise peaceful relationship. For some reason though, my stomach would not let go of this ominous feeling that something was going on. Sure enough, he called me one afternoon before we were suppose to go away for the weekend, and told me he didn’t know how to say what he was about to say. He had slept with a girl behind my back, and gotten her pregnant. I always like to think that he gave me the easiest way out, because there is no turning back to something like that. I told him goodbye during that same conversation, and I never looked back. The following year I began to pick up the pieces of the person I used to be, and after many months of unhealthy behavior, I decided to seek a therapy. It is something that I will never regret, because she truly brought a lot of perspective to the situation that no one in my life could. Everyone wanted to scorn my ex (as I do still believe he made a big mistake, but he was not a bad guy overall), which I think never allowed me the chance to mourn the loss. This is what you are going through, and I must say, you seem to be doing it with grace. Closing that door permanantly is the first step…to mourn him as if he had died…because in a sense he did…the part of him that you loved died. You will trust again, I can assure you of that. But in the meantime, don’t think too hard about it. I used to curse the phrase time heals all wounds, but as I have gotten older I have realized that is the only thing that heals the dismantled heart. Three years later, I can look back and see things for what they are. That relationship was not meant for me…and I appreciate fate taking the action that I could not. I sincerely wish you the very best with everything, and I hope you can find some solace in the thought that you are not alone…we have all been there…and we are still here.
(P.S. I always found “Under the Tuscan Sun” to be rather therapeutic during the tough moments…perhaps our paralled stories reminded me that it does get better

Kate Torgovnick
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]

Maybe it’s because of this whole Mark Sanford situation, but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about whether—if someone I loved was cheating on me—I would want to know or not. And the more I think about it, the more I think…not. This must have been so devastating to find out and I so applaud you for dealing with it head-on. That cannot be easy.

And amen, you deserve and WILL FIND better. I am constantly in awe of you. And I’m just your coworker.

retro chic
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]

Calling yourself judgmental names just doesn’t help. Everyone has done or felt what you’ve gone thru—you just did it much more spectacularly and efficiently! Some of us had to learn these lessons stretched out over many years and many more relationships.

//Now that I know my instincts were right, how do I move forward and not allow this betrayal to effect my relationships in the future? I’m not sure yet, but…//

You summed up your answer with your question—trust your instincts. Instincts respond to actions, not to look-you-in-the-eye words of deception, banking on your unwavering love and trust. I’m sure you’ve heard about men’s impersonal code of duplicity: “Deny, Deny, Deny.”

None of us is special enough to expect some kind of immunity from this code being perpetrated on us, and has nothing to do with deservedness or intelligence, something I sense you think has to do with you—it doesn’t. You stepped in it, that’s all. Now scrape it off and go forward, peepers open.

pornqueen
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]

We do not know how strong we are until we go thru a breakup. Sometimes our insticts fail us but we must learn to live and move on. My insticts told me that my husband of 14+ years was cheating. I decided to confront him, just like you did without presenting the evidence (obtained just like you did) and he looked me in the eye and said I was crazy. I actually let it continue to see how far he would go. God I was crazy! Well, he went as far as an affair could go and now we’ve been separated for over 3 years now. I’m not bitter about romance, love and all that stuff. I just don’t want to be in a relationship ever again. It’s true he may have affected the rest of my life but right now, at this point in my life I do not want a relationship. I don’t want anyone to love me like he did or the other way around I don’t want to love anyone the way I loved him. I just don’t want love. Right now my system works, satisfy physical needs only no emotional stuff.

pornqueen
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]

And btw, Amelia, you do deserve the very best!Trust your insticts, 99.9% they’re right. The odds are in our favor!

B1ll
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]

Amelia,

It’s only natural to mourn the passing of something that was wonderful but don’t bestow undeserved importance on you’re ex-fiancé’s self-centeredness. You’re instincts were right and they will continue to be right. Next time, you will be quicker to pay attention to them. But don’t condemn all men for the selfishness of one. We’re not all really afraid of commitment. Many of us just become less trusting earlier than women do.

You’re an intelligent, witty, and beautiful woman with a wonderful personality that brightens a room. Yes, you deserve better and you will find him.

Purple Haze
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]

I am so sorry. I wish I have something better to say besides that now that you know he’s not the right person for you, you can fully move on. And the right person will come eventually.

TOO_DOPE
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]

Amelia, I’ve read your posts while you were going through your break up and everything after… THIS is heartbreaking. I only hope that you sharing your feelings and thoughts with us on The Frisky makes you feel even *a little* better. I do not wish this type of betrayal on anyone. It is the deepest pain to have been hurt and lied to by someone you love (as you say) so goddamn much. My heart really goes out to you and I do not blame you for your distrust in men. BUT don’t lose faith in your instincts. They were telling you something, girl. But you were in love. And honestly… love can make you deaf, mute and dumb sometimes.

_jsw_
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]

@retro chic I think that your comment (“I’m sure you’ve heard about men’s impersonal code of duplicity: “Deny, Deny, Deny.”) applies to both sexes. It’s standard fare to consider men to be the cheaters and women to be the ones cheated upon, but I think that the statistics are closer to 50/50 than many would suspect.

In the end, there are the true cheaters, people for whom relationships serve simply as a source of support of some form and of readily available sex - these people are users and utterly self-centered. Beyond them, though, is a wide spectrum of people who have cheated. It’s never a good thing to do, and it’s always a poor and cowardly alternative to ending the relationship before continuing on. Sometimes, though, people who cheat do learn from their mistakes. I did. I rationalized it all (“we haven’t had sex in four years; we sleep on different floors of the house; surely it’s as though we aren’t married”), and I justified it, but, ultimately, I had to face the fact that I’d hurt someone I cared deeply about instead of doing the right thing from the start. I’ve also felt the pain of being cheated upon - the weeks of not wanting to eat, the constant thought of it all never leaving your mind for an instant, and so on. Cheating is a terrible and hurtful act of selfishness and cowardice, no matter how it’s defended at the time. But… to cheat doesn’t mean you’ll always be despicable, and to be cheated upon doesn’t mean you’ll always be too trusting or naive or whatnot. You just need to learn from your mistakes.

Amelia, I wish you the best of luck in mending your heart and in finding someone you can trust. Maybe your ex will learn from what he did to you (if he’s a remotely decent person overall), and maybe he won’t. It’s not your problem either way. You’ll be OK, but it’ll never seem like you will be… until one day you wake up and realize that you’ve been OK for a while and that you’re no longer spending each moment thinking about it. And then, just like a switch being thrown, you’ll be over it. Drinking excessively helped me the first time I was cheated upon, and lots of walking and exercise helped the second time. I recommend the latter approach over the former.

mountain_laurel1183
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]

I have been there, too, and on the other end, I DID find someone far, far, far better. I actually didn’t find out all of the lies my ex told me until after we were married. I thought he treated me well, blah blah blah. But then I found someone better! If I had known guys like mine existed, I would have never married guy #1 in the first place! You deserve better, better is out there, and hopefully someday you will be glad you didn’t marry him. I have a theory that it takes at least one bad relationship to have a good one, just so you can relish everything that’s good about a good one. It certainly makes you appreciate the other person more! Scary, yes, but when the person doesn’t let you down, it’s so nice! We were married a month ago and I couldn’t be happier.

Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]

@writergirl I would delete the email, except it was possibly the best email I have ever written. It really should serve as the template for all future scathing emails I, or anyone else, sends.

Brooding Law Student
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]

I think the worst thing is the realization that you saw more in another person than they did in themselves, that you believed in who they could be (in life, towards you) in a way that they fell short of. It can shake everything and leave you feeling so stupid. I just wanted to say, Amelia, as your friend, that you have handled this, and continue to handle this, with grace and strength. You should always trust your instincts, but this failure is his, not yours. I am proud of you. And he’s a piece of…

AlbanianBeauty
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 03:00 pm: [report]

Amelia,
Thank you for sharing your story. This is so heartbreaking. I got chills and tears in my eyes when I read this and I feel the pain you are going through. I am going through the same thing right now..even though I am not sure if he cheated. My ex of two years broke up with me two months ago and a week later he had a new gf. Of course, he probably had met and talked to her before the break up. It hurts so much to find out that the person that you love so much can do that to you. But I know I am so much better off without him. We deserve better and time will tell us.
Keep being strong. You are a wonderful person (as indicated from your writing) and will find happiness. He will live with the guilt and regret, will end up divorced and lonely.

retro chic
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]

@_jsw_: Sure you meant me? I haven’t addressed the cheating part—which I agree with you is an Equal Opportunity problem—only the “Deniability” after. I’ve had more men friends and some exes tell me the “Deny, Deny, Deny” posture many men stick to—at first. One friend explained it means “I’m going to deny it until I can think of what to do next” once confronted. Btw, politicians use it as their stand-by and it works for awhile until the allegations blow over, are discredited or faced with lawsuits/witnesses. I’m sure some women use it too, only, imo, we might get more satisfaction or closure from coming clean or ending either the affair or the marriage/relationship—or just plain sticking it to them if they’ve been DBs. Hope that clarified.

_jsw_
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 03:19 pm: [report]

@retro chic: You’re undoubtedly right about men being more prone to deny. However, having only been in relationships with women, my personal experience has been that women also deny, although probably for less time, especially when proof is involved. Men will likely deny even with presented with videotaped evidence, but women will likely concede the truth more readily.

And yes, good point, you clearly indicated that the denial aspect was a separate thing.

writergirl
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 04:20 pm: [report]

@Amelia—I can understand that…I have a few of those in my saved file as well. Just don’t read it everyday. Put it away and let it go. Dwelling on those words will only keep you tied to him. So put it away and go forward like retro chic said, eyes open.

You will be fine.

Jocelyn Nubel
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 08:05 pm: [report]

::gasp:: oh WHAT THE!? ugh. as cliche as it may be to say this, it’s official: you and lucca are 100% better off without this selfish, lying manbaby. how sad of a character he is, unable to recognize the beauty and brilliance he had in you and not giving you the respect - the honesty - that you so deserved. i’m disgusted. in other news, you’re fantastic. i adore you.

Tiggs
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 10:18 pm: [report]

@Amelia - Get ahold of yourself, and move on. You’ve wasted enough time, energy, and emotion on this guy.

Gnat
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 06:47 am: [report]

Amelia, thank you for sharing your story.
I went through something similar many, many years ago. I know how much that hurts. Recently I found out that my ex did the same thing to his wife (the woman he left me for). Even though I was over him years before I never was able to let go of the feeling that somehow it was my fault. Knowing that he continued the same selfish behavior in his marriage made me realized that it was never about me. It’s him. It took a long time to heal from the pain, even longer to trust myself, and longer to trust others. I’m sorry you are going through this. In the end you will be fine. That you are able to ask yourself these questions and that you’ve actively sought closure…you are in the process of moving forward. Good luck!

fortierb
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 07:00 am: [report]

Amelia,
Oh darling just be glad you didn’t end up marrying him. This is coming from someone who did end up marrying him and suffered through emotional affairs, drinking binges, irresponsible money behavior and having him leave me twice in under 4 years of marriage. I had been divorced for about 8 months before I found out while we were separated, he started sleeping with a woman because I wouldn’t and eventually got her pregnant and now has a son. Believe me when I found out I was completely crazy and the fact that he told it to my face and had the nerve to say if I hadn’t gone through with the divorce this wouldn’t of ever happened! But I’m going to let you know this - it was never about you, the break up. It was about him not being an adult and man enough to honestly discuss things with you and he is only going to repeat this behavior. I know that he will repeat because while my ex’s girlfriend was pregnant he was trying to set up dates and sleep with me, so he was trying to cheat on the woman he cheated on his wife with, with his ex-wife. How messed up is that? It sucks because the hurt doesn’t go away, but it gets less and you get to a point where you really could care less and all I can say is it takes time.

megly
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 07:49 am: [report]

Thank you so much for sharing your situation with us. It helps to know that other people are going through the same thing.

Keesh Mia
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]

Amelia, you do deserve better. You are so talented and smart. Don’t give him the time of day. What is he to you anyway but a data point of the past. There are good men out there. My ex-mother-in-law used to say “There is a lid for every pot”. You will find yours. The guy will be so luck to have you by his side.

Let the cockroach roam. It’s NYC. You’ll find more than one in every corner.

Sk8ter1916
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]

Amelia, you are strong and awesome. I seriously envy you. I’m in that type of relationship right now, and I have yet to muster all the strength I’ll need to end it. Thanks for sharing, this is helping me immensely!!

lilihoney7
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]

I really do feel for you. A similar thing happened to me. I was with my boyfriend for three years when he he moved to south carolina. He had asked me to marry him b4 he left and I said yes b/c I loved him with all my heart. He was my first love and my only love. I would have done anything for him. Well anyway he started acting funny and I suspected that he was involved with someone else. I had told him b4 he left that I didn’t think that it would be wise to have a long distance relationship. Call me naive but he said that he loved me and only me and that we would be married when he came back he was supposed to be just finishing his last 2 yrs of school down there and comming back. I believed him. I started having dreams that he was involved with someone else. I was very understanding and told him that I understand if the distance is too much and if he found someone else all he had to do was tell me and things would be cool he could be with her and we could be friends. He told me that that wwas not the case and that if he did he would tell me. But these dreams became more detailed and they came more frequently but he still denied it. . So when he wouldn’t answer most of my calls and when I didn’t hear from him at all on valentines day I just decided that it was time to end it. That was a year after he left. So I broke up with him and the very next day he called my phone and left a message on my phone telling me how he was with someone and how he had been with her since he had first got down there. He also informed me that she was pregnant and to not call him anymore. To say I was heart broken would be an understatement. That was 4 years of my life wasted on someone who obviously didn’t love me at all

paisley
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 07:21 pm: [report]

he is a #&@$% and thats that. you’re instincts are not wrong or bad and your are not damaged goods. love is blind, and when you are in it, it’s hard to see it. and there’s no such thing as closure really, time just heals you and eventually you will find someone who loves you WAY better than he did and youll look back and see things much more clearly. but you cant wait for the closure to make the pain go away, because in some ways it never will, it will just fade away and youll rarely think about it. but its a aprt of your life, and the farther you move away from it, the better. as i said time WILL heal you and thne you wil find the most amazing love ever, maybe when you don’t expect it or think you are ready, and then in some ways you’ll be glad, because whatever happened previously in your life brought you to this very happy point

snap
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 09:00 pm: [report]

great article, amelia!

nikkiwikki
wrote on July 3 2009 @ 07:06 am: [report]

Here is what I think of you, Amelia: You’re the #&@$%. End of story.

angel001717
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]

wow. that wasnt just a great article. that was your life, amelia. and i identified with it. thank you for sharing. it makes me feel a little less responsible for my relationship with my ex not working out. unfortunately, i have no way to get cold hard facts. but i believe he had cheated on me and was not a decent guy, contrary to what he always told me. im starting to accept that he is just an amazing lier. its hard because i want to believe him. i used to be so trusting, but i am learning better now.

angel001717
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]

@jsw “In the end, there are the true cheaters, people for whom relationships serve simply as a source of support of some form and of readily available sex - these people are users and utterly self-centered.”

i find myself surprized that there are people like this. so horrible. but i shouldnt be surprized because, after learning about them, im thinking that my ex is just such a guy. i tried to believe the best about him… therin lies my problem i guess. i feel too naive now though. how will i ever be able to trust anyone knowing i am so bad a judge of character?

angel001717
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 02:40 pm: [report]

and oh! the deny deny deny bit! that is what gets me the most. just tell me you are sleeping around. or just simply tell me the gd truth. is that really too much to ask? that way i know its not me being wacky and crazy and messed up in the head and then i can let go of it and walk away.

_jsw_
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 03:18 pm: [report]

@angel001717: Based on what you’ve said, it seems pretty clear that he’s not a good guy for you. Maybe he’s inherently an ass. Maybe he just doesn’t see you as the one for him. Whatever… in the end, he’s not going to be there for you. Fortunately, you’re young, there’s plenty of time, and there are a lot more - and better for you - men out there. Just because one of them isn’t knocking on your door now doesn’t mean they’re not out there, and the fact that you go back to sleeping with this ass all the time means you’re less available to better guys. I say either dump him permanently and suck up the lack of sex for a while (I doubt it’ll be long), or see him purely as a f**k buddy, not as anyone worthy of your emotions.

Yes, he’ll always come back just as you’re getting over him, because he wants the steady access to sex as well as the emotional high of being wanted by someone. He doesn’t want you to cut all the strings. But he doesn’t have your interests in mind, and he’s ultimately doing all that he’s doing purely for himself. And when he thinks you’re getting _too_ attached, he’ll pull away just long enough for you to start to back off, then he’ll be back. You can’t win unless, maybe, if you decide you’ll just use him, too.

teresawu
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 05:32 pm: [report]

Thanks for sharing this—I went through something similar (though to a far lesser degree—I can’t even imagine how much it must hurt for you). It was the first time I ever actually invested myself in a relationship, bothered to trust somebody, and I got burned badly. Now I’m left wondering if A) I will ever feel the same way about somebody and B) even if I do, if he’ll ever treat me right, because right now I just feel like I must for some reason not deserve to have what so many other people can have. I’m also not sure I know how to trust anyone anymore—and I know that’s silly, and you can’t shut doors to everyone else just because one person #&@$% it up. Even new guys who come into my life will invariably get the cold and shut-off me because the one who was willing to trust, to open my heart and let somebody in has kind of been destroyed…

Anyway. Good for you for getting closure—something I’m not sure I’ll ever get. Not sure I have any words of comfort but just know there are so many women out there who are going through the same thing, and we so appreciate you for voicing it.

teresawu
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 05:38 pm: [report]

PS: And your next post should include that scathing email, so I can send an equally satisfying one to my ex. Ha.