Dating Amelia: Maybe I Wasn’t Ready For This
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Thursday June 18th 2009
I have a confession to make. I hate dating. Except for when I love it, and I only love it fleetingly, before my insecurities set in and I start to go cuh-razy. In those fleeting moments I think to myself, “This is great! I’m young, I’m unattached, and there’s an attractive person sitting across from me who I may or may not make out with later.” And then later, after we have or have not made out, the wheels start turning, and I begin to wait for the inevitable letdown that, as cynical as this may sound, I assume is right around the corner.
Fortunately or unfortunately for them, they don’t matter, as I’m starting to realize they’re all just ways for me to work through what leftover hurt and insecurity and anger I still have left.
The last person I went out with, I went out with three times. After the third date, I decided I was allowed to get excited about him, because after three dates, he probably kind of likes me right? Nevermind the fact that I hadn’t really considered whether I liked him all that much. I mean, he was nice, and good-looking, and was a good kisser. He knew what he wanted in life, had passions, all very attractive qualities. But he was also a major work out freak. Not to say I have a problem with people who work out a lot, but I don’t, at least not enough, and when someone considers physical fitness a key part of their life—a hobby, in fact—we probably will run into trouble down the line. Because I would rather do just about anything than go to a gym. Including going to the gynecologist. But not the dentist. No, not the dentist.
Anyway, the point is, I wasn’t thinking about my own real, tangible interest in him, I was only thinking about whether he was interested in me. Because I desperately fear, in all sincerity, that I will never again find someone who loved me like my ex-fiance did. And that even if I do, they will likely leave me the way he did. Isn’t that pathetic? With each new person that I’ve gone out with, I’ve been looking for hints, signs, anything that will indicate that they have the capacity to hurt me the way my ex did. Fortunately or unfortunately for them, they don’t matter, as I’m starting to realize they’re all just ways for me to work through what leftover hurt and insecurity and anger I still have left.
I haven’t quite decided what I should do. Keep dating, trying to be aware of what’s really going on psychologically when I find my moods swinging over someone I’ve barely just met? Or take a breather and focus on working through those feeling alone? A combo of both, maybe, where I don’t online date or ask my friends for setups? I think the latter is most likely what I’ll do, going out with someone when asked—like, um, the hot guy on the 8th floor of my apartment building—if I want to, but it may make these columns a little more infrequent. I wish I was someone who could brush it off—by “it” I mean heartbreak—but I’m not. So I think I am going to sit with it for awhile, without intentional distraction, and then hopefully I’ll get to a point where it doesn’t follow me on dates, nagging at me the entire time.
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asumama
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
I’m right there with you sister. For a long time after my break-up, I dated only unsuitable men. But then I realized my choices were a subconscious method of sabotaging any potential relationship I would have, so I stopped (wasn’t easy).
Think about what you want, what will make you happy and visualize yourself being happy with someone else. And then let go of all the baggage and enjoy your life in the moment.
It will work itself out.
delovely
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
I’m in this exact same place. Started dating again after a breakup, continued to date a new guy just because he liked me and now thinking about taking a break from actively pursuing anyone.
I think the main problem is that I haven’t had any genuine feelings for a guy since the breakup, not even a crush! I see cute guys, but as a girl who gets a new crush every five minutes, this is really screwing up my emotions. Ugh.
brandyalexander
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 12:43 pm: [report]
Thanks for writing this, Amelia. Its hard going from being in a long-term relationship to dating, where you have to act all happy and care-free while the whole time you are anxiously willing yourself to either fall or not fall in love with some guy just so you can be happy and yet not get hurt. My best friend gave me good advice, though, and that was to stop worrying about whether or not he likes you enough, but whether or not HE deserves YOU!
bbpickles
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
It’s hard to be rejected whether or not it was a long-term relationship, a short one, or even dating.
I haven’t quite figured it out either, but I think I am better when I swear off men(only for a little while) and decide where to go from there.
I feel like I am hard on guys, but if I don’t like them or have fuzzy, I want to make out with you feelings right away(even on the first date) I am probably not going to have them at all. So I move on, it sucks really really bad, but I feel like I am leading them on if I continue going out with them. It also gets harder to break it off the longer you see each other.
Angie57
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
You are not alone feeling this way. I have been out of a serious relationship for just over a year now and for the first 7 months or so, I went out with anyone who asked whether I was actually into them or not. Luckily I snapped out of it and I am happy now with my single status. If I date, that’s cool, if not I don’t feel any worse about myself. I feel like I could have written the same words you did just a few months ago.
H. Blue
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
You know, I feel like other people, you know that infamous “them” have a great time with dating, while I really don’t find the process fun at all. I try to put myself out there, and then the anxiety hits. I’m terrified of rejection.
And yet when I do see someone more than once, I choose men who are somewhat aloof, and generally are only looking for a booty call but don’t say it up front. Suddenly, after three or four dates, dude has no time, but also has no problem sending me a dirty text. WTF? I think I pick them because I felt smothered by my ex, so I go for the opposite.. I have no idea how to stop this behavior, however. And, sick as it is, I think I get some kind of validation from them treating me like an object.
The guys who are really keen freak me out, and I generally don’t feel that spark with them anyway, and like bbpickles, if I don’t feel it pretty much right away, it ain’t gonna happen.
I did have a guy once tell me “nobody’s perfect” in response to something I don’t remember, but basically, it was “yeah, you’re not all that, but I’ll settle because I’m not going to get anything that great anyway.” He was one of the “keen” ones- after I ended it he wouldn’t leave me alone.
I hate dating.
toph
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]
second to last paragraph .... spot on
chouette
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:41 pm: [report]
I don’t think it’s pathetic at all that you are afraid of being left again. I’m in the same boat- it wasn’t a fiance or as long a relationship as yours, but it sure meant a whole lot and I got the rug pulled out from under me big time. It’s been almost a year since it happened, and I’m too terrified of it happening again to think much about dating. I think letting it happen “naturally” is the best way to go about it. Forcing situations is just going to feel awkward and is more stress than anyone in your/our position needs. Best of luck, seriously.
AlbanianBeauty
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 06:28 am: [report]
I am in the same situation right now. I just got out of a two year relationship with a guy that I thought was the one - when bam he broke up with me for no reason. Oh yea he said there was no solution!! Obv. he never loved me like I did. I wanted to get back in the dating scene, but I know I will not be interested in a guy. I have decided to stay single and concentrate on myself. I have no patience for guys right now after my ex broke my heart in a billion pieces.
sunrise
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 07:04 am: [report]
@ Amelia- this was a really good column, thank you for writing it! I love that your columns are intelligent and well thought out, and how they cover the nuances of a situation instead of just being full of a bunch of stereotypes.
And as for heartbreak, no one should ever just be able to brush it off… it sucks more than just about anything else can suck, ( I know, I’m going through a sort of similar situation to you right now) but that’s what makes the other side of it so much more rewarding, right? I think that people who don’t let themselves be vulnerable and hurt (or just pretend not too) don’t get to experience happiness as deeply, and then are just sabotaging themselves in the long run.
BedRocka
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]
mmmm I think it’s all about the instant gratification, want to skip the schematics and just get the good stuff. No deposit, NO Return!
brandyalexander
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
Oh man, I know. Dating takes sooo much patience. I like to have immediate girlfriend status. Sigh.
Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
@sunrise I completely agree.
adiamondintherough
wrote on June 21 2009 @ 07:21 pm: [report]
Wow. Had to check my ID to be sure I wasn’t Amelia McDonell-Parry for a minute there. Could have written this post in its entirety myself (subbing ex-husband for ex-fiance). Excellent.
chelcpink
wrote on June 21 2009 @ 11:07 pm: [report]
This post and the comments make me feel not so alone in my insecurities and fears towards dating. I can relate to everything that has been said here and that is somewhat comforting. Thanks to everyone for sharing!
Leo
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 05:07 pm: [report]
Amelia – These guys haven’t earned the right to hurt you yet. So don’t give it to them. Your ex-fiancé, yes, he hurt you, and because you both cared about each other so much, he continues to hurt you, but that’s okay. Keep the hurt focused there, on him. These other guys are nothin’. Look at you: you run one of the most successful and most popular websites on the net, you’re a terrific writer, and a candidate for Maxim’s “Top 100 Women to Die For”; he’s got what – smelly gym socks? There is someone out there, several somebody’s in fact, who have been looking for someone exactly like you, and they’ll fall at your feet in gratitude to have found you. Now, if one of them dumps you after a year, yeah, then you can feel hurt again. But as for these 3-dates-in-thirty-days types, if they’re not interested then it probably wasn’t about you to begin with.
toyen
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 06:49 pm: [report]
Right there with you, yet again. I took down my dating profiles and am going on a break. I am leaving it to the universe to stumble across the right person at the right time and am ready to be done with all the stress, checking my e-mail for dating stuff (enough! working on the Web 8 or 9 hours a day then coming home to craft thoughtful e-mails to a bunch of strangers is so draining). I’m trying to keep the faith that it will happen when the time is right and am enjoying my big, sweet, crazy life in the meantime. Hell, I hardly have time for my friends, let alone worrying about some dude.
Plus, if the Frisky yearly horoscope is right (and it has been all year) July is going to freakin’ rock for Aquarius at least.
Hang in there Amelia! We just need to cultivate some faith that love is out there and patience.
lindssaurus
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:20 pm: [report]
I’ve been there. nothing makes you more miserable or anxious is whats happening next…does he like you or is he going to hurt you. it becomes exhausting and makes dating not so much fun when insecurities take over. Take a break it will be the best thing to clear your mind you will realize that just latching onto people or assuming your going to be hurt saps whatever life you have left.
Em.El.E.
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 05:53 pm: [report]
Amelia, Thank you so much for writing this post! i have had three major relationahips, and two ended with the guy cheating on me. And I haven’t had any good dating experiences yet. O yes i have gone out on several dates, but with a lot of duds or drunks. Not good at all. Most of them seem normal when they ask me out, and then i get there and im like OMG what have i gotten myself into!!! AHHH!!! so thankyou for letting me know that im not alone!
BTW… is it okay if i use your “I have a confession to make. I hate dating. Except for when I love it, and I only love it fleetingly, before my insecurities set in and I start to go cuh-razy.” as a quote? i love it and it totally fits what im feeling!
LolaGirl
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
Get back on the horse, girl. There’s nothing to be gained by worrying incessantly. There’s always going to be heartbreak and sadness, but you’ve gotta enjoy all the parts in between.
Hope to see you out there!
mischievous1
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 06:27 am: [report]
I was in a similar situation after my divorce. I *thought* I was ready to date again after a few months, but quickly realized that I was wrong when I realized that not only was I not attracted to *anyone*, but also that as I was with someone I kept knit-picking to myself finding every little flaw I could with my date. I wasn’t even trying to see him for who he really was and whether or not there was any real potential for a relationship with him. I was comparing him to my ex and trying to find all the ways they were similar that might lead to him putting me through the same kind of hell that my ex put me through. It wasn’t fair to the guys I was dating, and I wasn’t fair to me. So I stopped. I stopped dating altogether and decided to just give myself time to lick my wounds and heal - no matter how long it took. The idea that you have to “get back up on the horse” after a relationship ends or that there’s some magic timeframe in which you should be over someone and ready to move on to another relationship is ridiculous. If we don’t give ourselves time to heal, whether that be a few days, weeks, months, or even years, then we’re doing ourselves a disservice by dragging the emotional baggage from our previous relationship into our next relationships and poisoning them with it. It took me a really long time to really get over my ex (and the fact that he seems to have this uncanny sixth sense about when I’m starting to feel over him and starts calling again didn’t help). But I realized not too long ago that I could finally think about him and the situation surrounding our divorce and not get angry about it anymore. That was a huge step for me. I think I’m finally ready to start dating again with an open mind and an open heart. You’ll get there too, I just don’t think it’s something you can rush.
There is definitely a grieving processes associated with the end of a significant relationship, but for some reason people don’t seem to really recognize that. Personally, i think dealing with the sudden end to a long term relationship is very much like dealing with the sudden death of a loved one. In some ways, it may even be worse because when relationships end often the person we loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world is suddenly doing things for the express purpose of hurting us and pushing us away. It’s traumatic. We owe it to ourselves to allow ourselves to work through that grief and get to a place where we’re at peace with our lives before we try to open ourselves up to someone new.
angel001717
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
@amelia’s article
wow i feel almost the same way sometimes. my own head messes things up too much… but you know, maybe it isnt us. maybe if he was the right guy he would be able to (in time) inspire us to forget the past and dwell on the here and now with a great guy.
angel001717
wrote on July 7 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
@brandyalexander “stop worrying about whether or not he likes you enough, but whether or not HE deserves YOU!”
im having some issues with this. what do we (read: i) deserve. i am having some insecurities.
@mischievous1 “(and the fact that he seems to have this uncanny sixth sense about when I’m starting to feel over him and starts calling again didn’t help)”
my ex does the same thing… so then i get pulled into the whole mess with him again. he says he wants me, but in the end cant prove it…
Emotional Mess
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 09:29 am: [report]
Wow this strikes a cord with me. I feel as though im only interested in unsuitable men and unless i feel he is emotionally unavailable i am not interested. I date all sorts of guys and some are fantastic but i am just not interested. Part of me feels due to two horendous relationships i associate love with somebody being mean to me. I also feel i may choose men who are reluctant to commit as part of me is scared of another relationship. Due to me picking unsuitable men i then become anxious and second guess his and my every move. This results in constant rejection. I have no clue how to break this disastrous cylce. I just dont want to feel this way anymore. I want to give one of the suitable ones a chance but if i dont feel it what can i do. I think my low self esteem is also an issue here. I am a constant state of highs (when their texting me back) and lows (when they know its commitment time). Ive had enough :(