Dater X: Why Do My Dates Suddenly Feel Like Therapy Sessions?
Posted by: Dater X
Filed in:
relationships
3:30PM, Friday November 20th 2009
A year and a half ago, I sat on my therapist’s black leather couch, talking to him about the last few guys I’d gone out with. I’d been on a cold streak—one where I’d meet a guy and be very taken with him, only to never hear from him after our second or third meeting. (Usually, the second. But you already know how I feel about that.) I was starting to ask myself the question that far too many single women ask themselves: Am I doing something wrong? Or worse: Is there something wrong with me? My therapist had a thick European accent, which I liked, since I felt like it gave extra weight to his words. “You present yourself as a strong, accomplished woman,” he said. “I wonder if men sometimes feel intimidated by you.” I practically rolled my eyes. Really, this was his advice? I started to fight him, explaining that I don’t think being accomplished is a problem, and if a guy sees it as such, that’s really his issue.
“I’m not saying don’t be successful,” he said. “I’m wondering if you could show them some of your vulnerability.” Ding ding ding. He was completely right. I didn’t have to pour my soul out to strange men, but I could easily share with them the part of me that wasn’t so sure about everything and that wondered whether I had made the right career decisions, etc. I left his office that day feeling like I had made a breakthrough. But now I think that one conversation may have ruined my dating life.
See, I’ve embraced my vulnerability. I’ve gotten very comfortable sharing my fears and the things I stay up late at night wondering about with guys. But now, I can’t figure out where the line is between vulnerable and obnoxious TMI. Somehow, giving someone a taste of your uncertain inner life leads to them doing the same, which invites you to share more, and for them to reciprocate. Soon, you’re caught in a wormhole of sharing. And lately, far too many of my dates have started to feel like therapy sessions.
Take Blue Eyes, who I went out with Tuesday night. We’d met two weekends ago at a friend’s birthday party and really hit it off. For a week, we exchanged flirty texts with the kind of quick-witted banter that felt scripted by the writers of “Dawson’s Creek.” I felt so nervous about meeting him again in person that I picked up my phone twice to cancel, but decided to charge ahead anyway. The night started off great. We talked about our respective careers, and I shared how rough the past two years had been, with the field of journalism falling apart. He shared that he felt pressured into taking his financial-sector job by his parents, and was thinking of quitting and trying to make it as a photographer.
Soon, we were talking about how he’s the older sibling and how much pressure he feels to be the one on the straight and narrow. Soon he was disclosing that his dad is an alcoholic and how he wished his mom would leave him. Then we were talking about how the rift in his parents’ marriage had shook his faith that he and his ex-fiancée could make it, which led to him cheating on her. And cheating on fiancées hardly makes for date material.
I assure you that I was no better—I disclosed things that really should only be between a licensed professional and me. Or at least between someone who has truly earned my trust and a place in my life and me.
By 10 p.m., the conversation just felt oppressive. We were in way too deep. All of a sudden, the sexy was gone and we were left just two people who knew far too much about each other. We left the bar without so much as a “you’re hot” kiss.
It’s not that I think talking about real things on a date is bad—obviously it’s not, and it’s a necessity if you are truly going to connect with someone. But dates that feel like therapy sessions are just awkward, confusing and, well, exhausting. When you don’t really know someone and are forming your first impressions of them, knowing these kinds of emotional details leads you to analyze them rather than listen to them. To think about them on an abstract plane and fit them into psychological categories—damaged, daddy issues, perpetual player—rather than to actually get to know them.
So I guess now I need to backtrack and figure out how to show vulnerability without becoming someone’s therapist or letting him become mine. Any suggestions?
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luke15chick
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]
If you’re just meeting someone start out with something very small and virtually insignificant. For example, if you’re at a restaurant with a guy, maybe if waiters make you nervous, say something like, “The way waiters hover always make me nervous and I can’t concentrate on ordering” (not saying you have to use that exact phrase or situation) Use something like that, that shows you’ve got normal human emotions and reactions to things that makes you less intimidating. Or another same example is share with the guy a dream or passion of yours. Like I’ve always dreamed to go to Antartica and hope I will one day. Or a passion like, I love teaching children. Things like dreams and passions are a private piece of you that makes you vulnerable to the other person without using them as a therapist.
C.Munro
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
I don’t think (from what you’ve said at least) that what you two shared was totally inappropriate, but I do think you shared too much of it for one encounter.
Vulnerability is good. In just the right dose it gives us a peek at who you really are, dispels fears that you’re putting up a front to impress us. Too much, of course, sucks the sexy out of a situation. So maybe share a little bit, but have a plan for changing the subject to something sunnier too.
Another thing I’d suggest is that it’s great to find subjects other than yourselves to discuss. It may sound weird, but I try to think of topics that don’t require the use of the words “I” or “you.” Common-ground kind of stuff that can range from the lighthearted fare of first dates (music, art, literature, pop-culture whatever) to the more serious, get-to-know-you-better things like politics.
But then, you shouldn’t listen to me, really. I totally suck at dating.
Lynn
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 04:18 pm: [report]
woah. calm it down. Say something vulnerable but not that crazy (“my brothers and I have been fighting lately” or “I moved across the country and sometimes I miss the life I had there” or “I’m going for a new job and I’m super nervous”) but then get the eff OUT of that topic and jump onto a new one. Brush it off. He only needs a taste of your vulnerability - not a full explanation. Leave some mystery, woman. You can get into the gory details LATER as in, weeks later.
FriskyDrew
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 07:39 pm: [report]
Hi,
One thing to remember is that Psychotherapist begins with the word “psycho.” I’m a cool young psychologist who’s here to tell you, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE VULNERABLETO BE ATTRACTIVE. Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi…or other beverages. Any true relationship should be built with some trust and common goals, but that doesn’t mean that anyone needs carte blanche fears to consider you attractive.
I personally (just my own preference) think that people should be enjoying the first couple dates a lot if they’re going to make it.
I’ve actually studied relationship research a LOT and the rest of connection (building trust) can be done in lots of ways that don’t actually open up too much history or vulnerability. For one, there should be five positive interactions that feel good in some way to every one negative or demanding interaction—this one is a gold standard. That said, you should also probably trust people with some of your thoughts and feelings that aren’t too personal during the first few dates. For instance, your thoughts about current events, your field of work, things you like, things you care about most, entertainment, and things that bother you a little—like roadrage, messy people, etc. Jesus Tits, though, do you really WANT someone who only likes you because you’re vulnerable or because you’re insecure?
Yes, we all have things that make us sad, yes, we all have things that make us nervous, but if you don’t want to have a therapy session or a heart to heart with your BFF, then you can try to break into “real life” or the “real you” by talking about things that you care about. Anyone who’s worth a damn will figure out what kind of person you are by knowing things that you care about. For instance, he should know you’re number one by knowing what you like about your job, how you prefer to treat your friends, how you would change the world (or community) if you could, and what some people in the media just don’t seem to understand when they spout off about ______.
People who make gains have to take risks, but you don’t have to throw all the gold on the table. Just showing up at the table and trying to have fun is a risk, just like talking about the things you want to see in the world.
My motto is that I won’t always be open about everything, but I will always be honest about what I say.
Best as you figure things out
XOXO
jadoremode
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 08:45 pm: [report]
There’s a difference between sharing and TMI. TMI is something you need to hold out for a relationship and even then, probably not for a month or two. You should have done what everybody else suggested like “Oh this restaurant reminds me of home” or something. I don’t know but there’s no need to be talking about someone’s mom is an raging alcoholic or something. Especially not first, second, third oh hell not even on a twelfth date. That’s just too much information and depressing. Who wants to hear that on a first date?
Ellis
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 11:20 pm: [report]
.... a cool young psychologist?
majicksand
wrote on November 21 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
You’re overthinking it. Just be who you are. Whether you are an open book from day one or more “mysterious” for the first few months, own your personality. If the guy is going to last long-term, he needs to know the “real” you, not some consruct developed by “relationship experts”.
draymond
wrote on November 22 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]
Hey, it’s called small talk for a reason!!!
Where is there this notion that date conversations need bee some unique realm of communication compared to how you might talk going out with friends, people in your community, or social events with co-workers. In all those other situations nobody seems to have a lot of trouble being themselves in a converstaion. It is part of this whole notion that dating is an audition or a job interview except that the job is Sexual Partner.
The more I learn the more I realize that the old Never on a First Date rule was pretty darn wise. It allows you not to be on the edge of your seat as to whether this is the phrase, gesture, accessory, etc. that either is or isn’t going to get you laid. (In fact, considering the article on your second date problems maybe you should have a list of Never on a Second Date things too!)
silvergurl
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 08:22 am: [report]
@majicksand: i completely agree.
cooldad
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
While it’s true that you want to ‘be yourself’, there is always a level of self censorship that should occur whenever meeting new people whether for a date, friendship or business. There’s always time to let loose later. btw, I think confidence is way hotter in a woman than vulnerability
thickasawhaleomelette
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
I think it was an episode of Scrubs where they said “You can’t give someone all of your crazy at once,” and I love that idea. We’ve all got a lot of crazy in our lives, and the person who’s right for you can handle all of it, but if you offer it up all at once it’s too much. It’s not that you should hide anything, but it also protects you to not be too vulnerable from the start (that’s why it’s called being vulnerable, not simply just sharing). Be yourself, but respect yourself enough to know that real, deep, supportive sharing comes with trust, and trust takes time.
magjoy
wrote on November 26 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]
“You can’t give someone all of your crazy at once,”
Totally agree. And with that, If you’re going on a date and want to have fun, steer the conversation to fun topics. Humor usually helps when things usually turn to a venting session about all their worries in life.
You can be yourself, you should be yourself, but everyone has different sides of them and no one wants to see the bitter, frustrated and down with life side of you, especially on the first date. Such a downer!
develange
wrote on December 1 2009 @ 11:09 pm: [report]
At least the crazy wasn’t one sided.
Maybe it’s best to chat with a close friend before embarking on a date. If there’s been a lot of crap holding you down lately, it’s best to get it off your chest before you verbal-diarrhea it all over a stranger.
If there’s alcohol involved, well, that’s a different story…