15 Signs He’s “The One”

Earlier this week we posted an essay from a woman who broke her engagement after she realized the traditional signs she relied on to let her know she’d found “The One” had failed. While I’m sure she learned a lot from the experience, I want to save you from a similar painful fate. Forget everything you’ve ever heard about “The One” being your best friend or whatever other nonsense that has been passed down through misinformed generations or stupid magazines. After the jump are the 15 signs that will really tell you if he’s “The One.”

1. His name starts with a J just like your ex, so that tattoo on your shoulder blade is still totally applicable
2. He thinks cellulite is “cute”
3. You’re due for a full physical and he happens to have very good health insurance
4. His mother’s a tad annoying but she lives on a different continent…and she doesn’t speak a word of English!
5. He regularly says, “The remote’s all yours” and means it
6. You can share a bed together and both get incredible sleep
7. He shares your disdain for theme parties and overly sentimental holidays
8. He orders french fries with all his meals just so you can eat them off his plate
9. When you go out with your friends, he refrains from calling it “girl’s night out”
10. You’re nearing 40, dying for biological kids and he’s willing to knock you up and help change diapers
11. His friends and family are all married so you’ll never have to sit through a boring wedding
12. Your salad plates already match his soup bowls
13. He’s very rich and very old (near death, in fact!)
14. You both want to name your firstborn Joaquin (whether it’s a boy or a girl)
15. You always have a great time with him during your conjugal visits!