First Time For Everything: I Called Off My Engagement
Posted by: Lauren Cook
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Monday January 12th 2009
Recently, I committed the ultimate relationship taboo: I told a man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me that I couldn’t marry him. Even worse, I broke off my engagement at a time in my life when many of my close girlfriends are blissfully picking out wedding dresses and drafting tender vows of love to their soon-to-be husbands. Welcome to your late twenties, ladies.
During my engagement purgatory phase, when I’d finally gathered enough courage to share my indecision with a few confidantes, I was met with a collection of theories on how I would know if my fiancé was “the one” or not. After the jump, find out why all the nuptial advice I got amounted to a load of courtship crap when it came to my relationship.
They say, “He’s the one if … ”
“You Fall In Love At First Sight.”
We’ve all heard this one before. One friend swears the moment she first laid eyes on her husband at a keg party, she knew he was The One. I asked her, “Was it the way he got his beer from the tap or during his extended keg-stand?” (She didn’t laugh.) Sure, love at first sight happens—in Nora Ephron movies—but it didn’t happen to me. It takes me a long time to fall in love or realize it’s not the kind of love to carry me through a marriage.
“He’s Your Best Friend.”
This is the most popular marital theory, and the one I truly believed until the very end of my betrothal. When I told my friend Amy about my doubts, she passed along some advice from her mother, who’s been happily married forever. “Marry your best friend,” Mrs. Amy told her daughter. Here’s the thing: My fiancé was my best friend. We were homies, roommates, partners in crime, and each other’s secret carriers. Still, that didn’t seem like enough. What about passion? Which brings me to …
“He’s Your Best Sex Partner.”
This is a theory I heard from a gal who can’t remember the names of 50 percent of her sexual partners (oh, and she’s single). Most of my married friends admit their husbands are not the best lovers they’ve ever had the pleasure of knocking naked boots with. When I started to think about the best sex I’d ever had, I realized it was with a man who wore open-toed sandals—obviously not marriage material.
It’s been nine months since the big break up. I’m unsure how I’ll know if I’ve finally found the One, but I’ve decided to stop following everyone else’s advice. Instead, I listen to my mother, who recently imparted a life-changing lesson handed down for generations by women in my family. She advised: “Lauren, in love and life, this is what matters. Take care of your neck. It’s the first to go.” Forget engagement rings. Pass the moisturizer.
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dgirl
wrote on January 12 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
Lauren -
You did the right thing. I was in a similar situation in late 2006. I had the ring (it was STUNNING)...but I gave it back. In my gut, something just didn’t feel right. And two years later, I know I made the right decision. My saying is “when in doubt…don’t”. If you’re not sure he is the one, then he probably isn’t…
Arty
wrote on January 12 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
Thanks for writing this. I, too, ended an engagement and had many similar thoughts. My ex fiance was..IS..my best friend, but for a variety of reasons I could not marry him.
Claire Zulkey
wrote on January 12 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
It’s way easier to end an engagement than to end a marriage I’d say. Well done on not letting the wedding madness carry you somewhere you didn’t want to go…
Kiki T
wrote on January 12 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
Love it…and bravo on your guts to seek passion—there needs to be more people on earth like you miss cook…and @ claire, I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR PIC! I just saw that episode in full, rather than just dlisted clips and oh yeah, love her!!!!
Claire Zulkey
wrote on January 12 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]
ha! somebody told me once I need to change it b/c I’m much prettier than that in real life. I couldn’t tell if that was really a compliment or not.
Kiki T
wrote on January 12 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]
I’m told I should change my pics too because the ones I choose are weird…and um, I don’t know you, but I am sure you’re prettier than that in real life too
Backliteyes
wrote on January 12 2009 @ 05:46 pm: [report]
I broke off my engagement in May 2008. I find that it’s not only a relationship taboo, but a social/cultural taboo as well. You feel like you’re the only one that has had to make such a terrible decision, but it’s surprising and comforting when you find out how many people make the same decision every year.
sbarr10
wrote on January 12 2009 @ 09:12 pm: [report]
Maybe it’s the difference between being in my late 20’s and being 50, but between passionate and best friend I’ll take best friend no question about it. “Best friend” is the nice steady loyal guy who has stuck by me for nearly 20 years through thick and thin, and we aren’t even married, so it would have been all that much easier for him to walk away!
I had a few “passionate” relationships before him and they were the kind of textbook hellish relationships you read about in the self-help books (abusive, commitment-phobic, etc).
Lauren Cook
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]
Thank you all so much for your support! To be honest, that post was harder to write than I had originally thought. Although I called of my engagement a year ago (and it was the best - and hardest- thing I’ve ever done in my 29 years), it’s still painful to revisit the emotions I had during that time.
There’s definitely a taboo to calling off your engagement. But I’m a true believer that if you have ANY doubts, you owe it to yourself and your partner to really listen to them.
Damn, Frisky readers are the best.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 01:07 pm: [report]
Just wondering. Im trying to find an article that was talking about returning a ring after an engagement ends, that was the main subject of it I believe. Anyone know where on the site? it was recent
MichelleS1017
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
i thought this article summed it up pretty well:
http://www.thefrisky.com/site/slides/246-the-triangular-theory-of-love/