Who To Sleep With At A Wedding, In Order Of Best To Worst Idea

My good friend Nick is getting hitched in September and I’m already scoping out which one of his groomsman I am going to try to bang. He posted their photos on his wedding website, you see.

However, there is always the possibility all of them will have girlfriends/have their own weddings by then, so my Plan B is former college roommates and co-workers. Plan C is minor, outlying relatives — although that’s more like an “in case of emergency break glass” scenario. Yup, my plan of attack is all prepared. I just don’t, you know, have my dress yet.

Befuddled about who it’s OK to schtup when you’re a single wedding guest and who is as off-limits as that hot intern from Accounts Payable? Why, then you need this handy dandy guide on who to sleep with at a wedding.

Safety Zone (Disney Land):

  • Single, horny members of the bridal party. You’re expected to sleep with them. Like, that’s why you were invited. Well, that and to round out table seven.
  • Minor outlaying relatives.  A cousin who flew in for the wedding from his Marines posting in Guam? A stepbrother who became an un-stepbrother after the groom’s dad’s second divorce? They’re all fair game. Just don’t rub it in anyone’s face.
  • Friends from childhood. Most weddings have a friend or two from childhood who is very special to the bride or groom and have thus been invited, even though they don’t know anybody. This is the Las Vegas of wedding scenarios. I repeat: they don’t know anybody.

Skating On Thin Ice (Wal-Mart At 6a.m. The Day After Thanksgiving)

  • Coupled, horny members of the bridal party. Just know that everything you say or do can and will be used against you.
  • Coworkers of the bride or groom. Coworkers might seem benign, but the truth is you don’t know what kind of office politics scenario you stepped into. Is this the boss they hate but invited just to kiss ass? Is this a fremeny coworker they felt obligated to invite? Proceed with caution, because it could have repercussions for your pal.
  • Friends you have the hots for,  especially if you had a crush on them prior to that champagne you just annihilated. Free booze and cleavage bouncing around the dance floor are a recipe for a 3 a.m. hookup back at the hotel. No one can really blame anyone if three shots of Patron and a string of Justin Timberlake songs cause two wedding guests to act on a long-seeded crush.
  • Siblings/step-siblings. This decision depends on how chill your friend/their new spouse is. Some people get weird about their friends hooking up with their sibs, but cooler friends will just be happy that everyone they love is getting laid.

Danger, Will Robinson (Bermuda Triangle)! 

  • The bride/groom. For fuck’s sake,  you don’t want to end up like this lady.
  • Parents. This is a terrible idea. It sounds like a good idea if you are sauced. But it is a terrible idea. The “Mother Lover” song is a parody for a reason.
  • Grandparents. Although if you bang someone’s Grandpa, you are my hero.
  • Officiant of the ceremony. No, actually, if you bang the person who married you friends, then you are my hero.

See? Easy-peasy. Or you could just ask politely if you can bring your own guest and sleep with him or her.

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