On this week’s episode of the “Savage Love” podcast, a 24-year-old man called in to ask what he should do about his ex who always calls him to talk about her problems, but sometimes his calls or texts will go unanswered for months. He thinks they might get back together, yet it never seems to happen. He’s dating a new woman he really likes, but his ex seems to psychically sense it and has amped up communication. Dan Savage sagely advises the guy to “stop being her emotional tampon.” We’ve all encountered this man before, but until now, I wasn’t aware that there was such a fitting phase for his breed. An “emotional tampon” is a man who will always be there to provide a woman with the proverbial shoulder to cry on and be available for her anytime of the day or night to vent her emotional frustration, problems, and mental instabilities. (Thank you to John DeVore and Urban Dictionary for a more thorough explanation.) Guys, don’t let this bloody fate befall you. After the jump, 10 signs that you may be an emotional tampon. 1. You receive most of your phone calls from your girlfriend post 2 a.m. when she is wasted and needs a ride home or has an emergency.
2. Your dates often offer to pay you for “the session” at the end of the night.
3. You hang out at 12-step meetings to meet women even though you are not an addict.
4. You hear phrases like “you are such a good listener” or “I can tell you anything” and think it signifies romantic interest.
5. Most people are emotionally under available. You are emotionally over available. You are like the Costco of emotions, woman can get availability in bulk.
6. You think “Can we talk?” but what comes out of your mouth is “Please don’t leave me, I will love you until the sun falls out of the sky.”
7. Your ex calls to talk to you about her new BF and you think it means you are getting back together.
8. Instead of standing up for yourself when women “treat you like dirt,” you just spray yourself with ScotchGuard.
9. Your girlfriend gives you a list of “chores” and “errands” like cleaning the cat litter or buying her feminine hygiene products.
10. She says, “It’s over,” you think that means “until tomorrow.”