There are three desires no man need ever justify — Marisa Tomei, a damn good sandwich, and his mother’s happiness. But since the first one is every man for himself and the last one is an individual concern, we can only advise you on the middle.
Making a damn good sandwich should be first nature for every man since high school, when newly grown patches of hair demand increased levels of protein. Here are the basics you’re going to need. Read more… Keep reading »
As I laid on the couch, having a very regular, very non-inspiring evening alone watching baseball, I got an onslaught of sexts from the woman I was dating. After a series of lewd and kind of hilarious d**k pics, she replied with what looked like a Vogue magazine worthy, very tasteful, classy black and white digital nude. I got harder than Chinese algebra. I went from zero to phone sex in a matter of seconds. I dialed my woman. It was the next logical step. Keep reading »
The old cliché warns against judging a book by its cover, and this is especially true when sizing up a lover. You just can’t tell how sexually adventurous a person is by looking at them. Appearances don’t always deceive; sometimes they just obscure the truth. And I’ve learned over the years that just because she looks Amish, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a vibrator the size of a jackhammer under her bed. Keep reading »
I had a plan on September 10th, 2001. It was a rough plan, just broad strokes, really. But it was a plan. Because men make plans. You can’t build a bridge or pull off a bank heist or rescue a hostage without a plan. So I had a plan to get my life in order. It was a three-part plan. Part one: stop being fat and stupid. Part two: become rich. Part three: quit smoking. Keep reading »
Not so long ago, my wife and I were talking to a recently-divorced friend of ours. She’s younger than we are, in her early thirties, and as far as she’s concerned, she’s never tying the knot again. Not because of an objection to the institution, but because she’s convinced that most men marry for one reason: they want to be taken care of emotionally.
“I got tired of thinking about someone else’s needs all the time,” our friend said. “I’m prepared to take care of a baby. But I don’t want my first-born to be my second child.” When she heard that, my wife turned to me and gave me a grin. She knows my history.
In three previous marriages and a handful of other long-term relationships (I haven’t been single for long since I was 16), I found myself—like so many men—taking on the parts of the “naughty boy” and the “helpless child.” Time and again, I turned wives and girlfriends into mother-figures, and the result was inevitably disastrous. Keep reading »
My lady friend asked me if I thought it was “absurd” to want to be monogamous with someone and I immediately told her that I did not think it was absurd. It’s absurd to want to be monogamous with a rhinoceros or a pineapple. Especially pineapples, because they are the sluttiest fruit. But I do think that wanting or expecting monogamy is unnatural. Keep reading »
First dates are like job interviews. If you say the wrong thing, or fail to groom, or act like an obnoxious loon, then chances are good you’re going to stay unemployed. When you’re on that first date, be on your best behavior.
This list of dumb first date mistakes is meant to help. Because we care. Don’t make any of these mistakes, and your first date will probably be a smashing success.
And trust us: plenty of people make these mistakes. They text at the table, or smell like belly button lint, or ask intensely personal questions. These people don’t deserve to be in a relationship. Don’t be one of these people. Avoid these 10 dumb first date mistakes. Read more… Keep reading »
We’ve all been burned after giving someone our number. He promises he’ll call. There’s no reason he won’t! I mean, things went really well, right? You had a great time together, tons in common, talked for hours, (or did other things for 5 to 20 minute spurts), and there’s just no way he isn’t into you…But he hasn’t picked up the damn phone! Why? Why not? What the heck’s going on? Well, here’s 11 possibilities for the radio silence that that’s driving you bonkers. Keep reading »
These Jeffrey Campbell wedges defy the laws of physics and gravity and all that is right in the world, but apparently that doesn’t matter: even at $200 a pop, they’re sold out. Judging from the enthusiastic reviews, they’re a hit with female customers, but we were curious about what the Man Panel would think of such a strange little shoe. Their candid reactions after the jump… Keep reading »