Zergnet: Simply Irresistible
Tag Archives: what men think
I’ve always prized the uniqueness of my first name. Pronunciation is lost but the singularity is worth the explanations and corrections during introductions. After my wife Olivia and I were married last August, I was excited about the opportunity to conceive a new last name together. We knew that the hyphenation of our last names to Hoselton-Hopkins was too clumsy and conjoining them into a new name, Hopelton or Hoselkin, was even worse.
I think it was Shakespeare who wrote, “It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.” Yup. I’m pretty sure he wrote that.
It is hard to say goodbye. I am not a fan of it. I try to avoid actually saying it if I can. But you can’t always avoid it. Which is why I like to think that “goodbye” is just “I love you,” played backwards on vinyl. Love and loss are two sides of the same toaster waffle. In this life, you’re either declaring one or tearfully saying the other.
But usually, I find ways not to say that word. I prefer to say “see you around,” then choke back man tears as I walk away (man tears taste exactly like Tobasco sauce). Most of the time, I don’t even say anything. I just sneak away without telling anyone. Keep reading »
I’ve talked about my often-disastrous relationships in a number of my columns, and every time I do, I get dozens of messages from people asking me to elaborate. Not that I’m an expert — it’s more like how you see a guy come screaming out of the woods covered in bees and you ask him where he found the hive, so you can avoid it.
So, the most common question I get (besides “Will you please stop sending me pictures of your penis?”) is “How do I know if this is the one?” which I think is a stealth way of asking me, “How can I avoid the hellish divorce that haunts your memories?”
Well, if you want to avoid the bees, I say you should always keep in mind … Keep reading »
I recently because rather obsessed with the Sock Bun, a method of styling your hair into a bun that, yes, involves a sock. Basically, you snip off the toe of an old sock and then roll the sock into a donut shape. Then you put your hair in a ponytail, slip the tail through the center of the sock donut, and roll and tuck your hair over and under the donut until it’s at your crown. (Here’s a good tutorial.) It basically makes your bun look a whole lot fatter and, I’ll admit, pretty damn good. I’ve been practicing the sock bun on my own hair with decent results; this technique gives a bun a certain refinement that twisting it up with an elastic just doesn’t. Which is strange because you have an old sock in my hair. Generally, though, no one knows that. It’s your and your sock bun’s little secret. But then it occurred to me that the sock bun would not be the ideal hairdo for a date/makeout session. Seriously, what a dude do if a moment of passion was interrupted by him finding an old sock in your hair? So I went to the guy I always ask ridiculous questions like these, John DeVore. Here is what he had to say. Keep reading »
When approximately 70 percent of the Man Panelists cited “The Fifth Element” in our recent Valentine’s Day Man Panel, Amelia asked me what the deal was. “I have never even seen that movie,” she said, “but it must be a dude requirement.” Growing up with three brothers, I knew that it is in fact a dude requirement, and this got me thinking about other movies men obsess about. I surveyed my guy friends to flesh out a top 10 list and asked them to explain the appeal of each film. And now, without further ado, here’s our field guide to guy movies…
Conventional wisdom says Valentine’s Day calls for sexy lingerie, but what do guys actually think of our attempts to spice things up with various forms of lace, ruffles, and leopard print? We asked real guys for their thoughts on 5 different lingerie options, from the simple to complicated to cozy, and also had them rate each look on a sexiness scale of 1-5 (1 being not sexy, 5 being sexiest). Some of their reactions might surprise you…
Relationships are a little like glaciers; under various pressures, they’re always moving and changing, gathering all sorts of debris. But after some time, they move so slowly, it’s easy to forget they’re there, particularly when you live together. To use a more familiar metaphor, one day your relationship is a wild ride, all loops and corkscrews, and then, out of nowhere, it’s mellowed and straightened out.
Actually, it’s worse than that. It’s stagnating. Read more…
I’m known amongst my friends as a serial dater. I enjoy going on first dates. Or I used to. In the last few years, I began to feel an encroaching anxiety before every first date. There was one thing standing between me and enjoying dating. It was a monster. Every time I met a girl I liked, I would sit at my computer and open my browser. My fingers would start tapping. And I couldn’t resist. Clicking. Going through images. Info.
“Look what I have to show you,” the monster would beckon me. And it had a lot to show me.
It knew my date’s favorite books, movies, music, even quotes. It knew her interests. It showcased videos of her with friends. And worst of all it was the gatekeeper of her photos. Sometimes just a few, sometimes hundreds, thousands. So many photos of the girl I hadn’t even gone out with yet! The monster would only show her good ones, of course. The bad ones were untagged, which made me wonder what the bad ones looked like. That monster was Facebook. And it was ruining my ability to date like a normal human being. Keep reading »
Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be about who loves you, but whom you love. It’s the one day out of the year when you should take account of those people in your life who make you gleefully vomit little candy hearts. Being loved back isn’t nearly as important in life as boldly, recklessly, sincerely loving someone regardless of any returns on investment. Making love, not taking it, is the primary occupation of the human condition, our core programming, whether we realize it or accept it or not. All other activities and pursuits are secondary.
Instead, Valentine’s Day feels like emotional extortion. To many men, it’s an inconvenience to dread, a relationship hoop set aflame which one must deftly prance through like an expertly trained poodle. And to other men, it’s a day of opportunity. Keep reading »