According to highly scientific polls, 15 percent of women think staring is cheating, 45 percent have tried the “fingernail” diet, and 99 percent rate a sense of humor as the sexiest trait a man can have (the remaining 1 percent picked “sparkle”). When such pop statisticians ask men the same question, they usually respond “boobs.” Judging from this inequality of opinion, one could conclude that women are selfless flowers who find self-awareness attractive and that men are shallow. This is not entirely untrue. That women prize a guy who can laugh at himself and all the unpredictable absurdities that life throws at you is great news to bros with bellies who can belch the melody to “Paparazzi.” I like to think of this as an evolutionary gift; otherwise, the females of the species would have been left having to choose equally matched mates by their ability to fling poop. Keep reading »
People are always talking about the “epidemic” of poor nutrition among today’s youth and America’s obesity “problem.” It’s almost like they think being a big, fat person is somehow less than totally awesome. Well, I’m a fat guy, and I’m here to tell you, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
In case you’re still not convinced, just a few of the amazing perks of carrying the effects of a decade of late-night burritos and Pop-Tart ice cream sandwiches around your midsection. Read more … Keep reading »
The best part of a breakup is wallowing. There are five stages immediately following a breakup, and they aren’t denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They are as follows: shock, blubbering, wallowing, staring blankly at walls, and finally, dancing. The final stage is usually preceded by a music montage featuring upbeat adult contemporary music, a shopping spree, and a night out with your best slutty friend. But of all these stages, the one I enjoy the most is wallowing. It’s the best part of breaking up or getting dumped, because there is no such thing as a “mutual breakup.” That concept is strictly for the press. One party always wants the breakup a little more than the other party. Not that I’m advocating dramatic split-ups that resemble NASCAR fireballs. But one person is always left sniffing a forgotten, leftover sleeping shirt, searching for a whiff of their lover’s familiar funk. The wishbone never cracks completely in two. Keep reading »
Ya know, there are some things in life that just aren’t meant to be understood. The duck-billed platypus. In-laws. Celery. How Charlie Sheen gets work. So trust me when I say, yes, absolutely, men are really that enthralled with those two pieces of female flesh. Read more … Keep reading »
“Sex and the City” is female wish fulfillment. But then again, “Iron Man” is male wish fulfillment. Women wish they could wear haute couture; men wish they could wear a flying robot suit. But such daydreams are just the candy shell of the Blow Pop. The bubblegum at the center isn’t that different from many of my favorite manly movies and television shows. The evil Emperor called Luke Skywalker’s faith in his friends his greatest weakness. But it was Skywalker’s greatest strength; the “Star Wars” movies are about friendships, loyalties, fighting monsters with people who will watch your back no matter what. Likewise, “Sex and the City” is a big wish: that we are not alone in our life’s adventure. You can’t choose your family. Romantic love is fleeting. Friends are forever. Keep reading »
when stalking pays off: one guy asked the same girl out for years.There is something to be said for consistency. Take me, for example. I’ve consistently asked out the same girl, once every eight to 14 months, for the past five years. She’s consistently rejected me. Some might call this foolish, like Ralph Waldo Emerson when he said that thing about consistency. But you know what? Ralph Waldo Emerson can blow me. Read more … Keep reading »