Sure, we all look like Brad and Angie after a few shots on a moonlit night. Tanned, toned and ready for some serious lovemaking, we hop into our lover’s bed for a night of hot-shadow-sex. But assuming it’s more than a one-night stand, sooner or later it’s time for Vulnerable Sex. You know the kind—unholy sunshine beaming into that studio apartment revealing last night’s calamari in your teeth, his uni-brow in full force and that stubborn bacne you just can’t get rid of. I can recall a session of first-morning-sex with a girlfriend that featured me burying my face into a pillow to shield an epic chin zit.
Good morning, varicose-vain! Top o’ the morning, stubborn stomach flab, cellulite and neck scar! How’d ya sleep, blackhead, wart, mole, and blotch? Love at first light can be quite traumatic; it’s our eyes’ version of unprotected sex. After the jump, my 5 tips for surviving vulnerable morning sex … Keep reading »
I always wanted to grow a mustache. Fearsome pimp whiskers. To me, the mustache is to masculinity what long, flowing tresses are to femininity. Aphrodite’s long hair was the source of her sexual authority, which she’d comb while sitting inside her pet oyster “Chester.” Aries, God of the pointy phallus and the shield, wore a ‘stache no doubt soaked in the blood of a minotaur. This ideal was implanted in me at a young age. Growing up, there were three men who defined manliness. To a little kid, being manly was being a hero. Not that a woman or a girl couldn’t be a hero, but it was more likely that I grew up to be a man who helped those in need than a woman who would help those in need. Keep reading »
It was 11:45 p.m. on a Wednesday night. My wife and I were exhausted and cozied up in bed together. We both had one thing on our minds. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same thing. I was craving sex and she was craving the season three finale of “Friday Night Lights.” We were at a standstill, experiencing what some might call a “21st century marital pickle.” It seems Netflix and sites like Hulu just might be the modern couple’s greatest obstacles to a steady sex life. The continuous supply of great TV is so accessible and so compelling, many a good couple become hooked like crackheads and forget about making their own entertainment. Through burning eyes and next day regret, couples machete through a season of “Lost” or “The Wire,” ignoring or forgetting to fuel their loins. But on this night, something in me snapped and I drew a line in the sand … with my penis. “Babe,” I said, “we’re in a losing battle against awesome TV. It will never end. There are too many TV shows out there; when do we get to do it?” Keep reading »
Men fear commitment the way that dogs fear vacuum cleaners. And actually, men kind of fear vacuum cleaners, too. But marriage is a scary prospect for any person, and guys tend to ridicule friends who take the plunge and decide to propose. Yeah, it’s completely juvenile and undeniably silly. Guys try not to show their emotions, and since marriage is associated with one of the strongest emotions around, some guys associate all aspects of marriage — particularly proposals — with a sort of loss of dignity. It’s even worse if a guy proposes and his girlfriend says no. That’s a lot of egg to wipe off of your face. After the jump are a few ways that guys can propose and come off like a hero … no matter what his girl says. Keep reading »
Dear Men: A recent survey will reveal that 11-percent of those of you under 30 are masturbating while driving. WHAT THE HELL? I mean, what are you doing? What are you thinking? Why are you masturbating and driving at the same time? I have so many questions, and too few answers. Is it a privacy thing? There you are, behind the wheel, alone, so why not? Are you bored? Driving is boring, so you fill the time by … fondling yourself? Or is this some sort of dare devil thing, and you like it when you’re at risk of dying while choking your proverbial chicken? It’s stuff like this that makes me realize that when the subject is men, I have no idea who you people are. If male Frisky readers could please explain in the comments, we ladies would appreciate it.
Love, Sus [The Sexist] Keep reading »
I recently made a gay joke, and I should know better. Actually, I made two, and one of the jokes backfired. For guys, the term “gay” is an adjective that means “not masculine.” Chamomile tea? Gay. “Wicked: The Musical”? Gay. Capri pants? Gay. In the new bombshell Rolling Stone article about General Blabber and his knitting circle of kvetching combat hens, one of his aides refers to a diplomatic meeting with the French as “gay,” as if the talks were to be conducted with mimes wearing pink berets. I’ll kindly remind that while the French can be over-intellectualizing flowers, they did manage to invent the fist execution machine, write the blueprint for the modern military dictator, and ran a colonialist, mercenary army. Not to mention, inspire the first cartoon skunk rapist.
“That’s so gay” is an insult, a pop cultural punch-line, and a casual, socially acceptable form of prejudice. Prejudice is fear on the offense. It will never cease to amaze me how even the beefiest, baldest, baseball-cap wearing frat-beast is utterly terrified, and convinced, that every gay man in a half-mile radius has a zombie hunger for his junk. To be fair, it’s terror, and just a little bit of vanity … that traditionally feminine vice. Keep reading »