This week’s Anthony Weiner dick pic scandal — part two! — reminded me of this hilarious column written by our dear Mind of Man, John DeVore. Let’s learn, from an actual man, why dudes like to send pictures of their penises. — Amelia
Men send pictures of their penises because we want the world, or the person we love, or the person we love that week, to know that we have penises. We tell ourselves it’s to make women hot and bothered, but the truth is, those pictures just make us swell … with pride. If it wasn’t aberrant behavior, we’d hang pics of our red hot on the refrigerator door like a blue ribbon from the school science fair.
I have sent one picture of my wang to one woman. We were flirting over text, and she dared me, and so I took the picture. Considering I didn’t have time to properly light my apartment, I think the photo of el generalissimo was pretty good. I framed the shot well. I mean, it was no Mapplethorpe, but it wasn’t your average Craigslist wang portrait, where all penises look like they’re attached to an aspiring sexual predator. I sent the pic as a joke, because the request was a joke. She thought the picture was funny. She thought the entire exchange between us was very funny. Too funny. It wasn’t that funny, lady. I sent a picture of my jangly-gangly as a joke, but a little awe wouldn’t have hurt. After all, while it wasn’t a serious text, I still unleashed the kraken. Keep reading »
One of the weirdest, most awkward parts of a relationship is knowing how to react when the other reaches their limit and shoots a geyser of saline out of their eyeholes. At least it is for men — I obviously can’t speak for women because of all this dong. But it seems to me that women are just as baffled at a man’s lack of knowledge on how to react in those moments, as men are when a woman has them.
I can’t fix that. Hell, I don’t know if anyone can … but I can at least explain why we turn into drooling dipshits when we see you crying. Read more on Cracked…
Liberal guys like me are often kind of squeamish when it comes to talking about abortion. I mean, we support it. We describe ourselves as pro-choice. We share the ridiculous things that asshole Republicans say on Facebook. (Did you hear the one about the masturbating fetus…?) If we’re straight, and we maybe decide to join our girlfriends or wives or whatever at the rally, we’ll wear the pink or orange t-shirt they pass out, and when they chant “My body, my choice!” we will chant “her body, her choice!” and consider ourselves allies. Look at us A-plus dudes, cisgender and incapable of becoming pregnant, out there to demonstrate for someone else’s rights! We could just stay out of it, but we care!
I know that’s how a lot of men think of abortion rights: like it’s someone else’s fight, and we might occasionally show up and offer support. And while I understand the impulse, that’s not good enough. The fact that guys like me need to realize is that abortion rights are our rights, too.
When I was 23, a young woman I knew needed an abortion. More importantly to me, so did I. Keep reading »
Whenever I start dating someone new, they become acquainted with “The Big Three” — the three ex-girlfriends who impacted my life in the most negative ways possible. The Big Three include: the girl who tricked me into an open relationship, the girl who turned out to be a white supremacist, and, lastly, the girl who was a compulsive liar. For anonymity’s sake, I’ll refer to her as Lena, because I don’t know anyone named Lena and I highly doubt Lena Dunham is reading my article under her quilt made of hundred dollar bills.
I met Lena at work and it was dirty, ravenous lust at first sight. We decided to spend the evening together and had one of those romantic nights doing kitschy, hipster errands that every “500 Days of Summer” loving American guy dreams about doing with a pretty girl. We learned about each other; I told her about my obsession with “Planet of The Apes,” she told me about her love of punk music. Lena and I headed back to my conveniently empty apartment with a bottle of wine, six-pack of PBR, and two copies of “Face/Off” and proceeded to get absolutely spooky with each other all night long. Keep reading »
We assume. We assume all the time. We assume and don’t even realize we’re assuming. But we all know what happens when we assume. There’s no better example of that happening than assuming when it comes to sex. Men assume. We assume there are requirements to sex. We assume there are procedures. We assume there are universal truths to the way your bodies work and to the way all women want to fuck. We assume. Here are a few things that we assume and we need to STOP ASSUMING BECAUSE WE’RE WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Read more on College Candy…
Let me be clear right here from the start, nice people are amazing all the time and wanting to be one should be a main goal in everyone’s life. This isn’t about them.
“Nice Guys,” with the quotes — and if you’re reading this out loud, a little stank in your voice — are not really that nice. They’re actually pretty shitty people who are entitled little shitheads and incapable of understanding the feelings of others. It’s pretty common and understandable if you think like this in middle school or high school, because everyone at that age is usually pretty terrible (definitely myself included), but “Nice Guys” in their twenties and beyond are a real bunch of life-failing sadness machines that just bring my day down like no other.
But it doesn’t have to be like this! I put together some helpful tips so you can tell if you or someone you know is being a Nice Guy, and then get your life back on track to not being a suckfest of a human. Keep reading »
Just because it worked for you back then doesn’t mean it’s still going to work for you now. Something happens between the early 20s to the early 30s that requires a man to change his approach to meeting women. Some guys age accordingly — it’s an effortless transition from keg-stands with the guys to standup paddle-boarding with your lovely new wife. But for most of us, there are some bumps in the road. It’s not always obvious which of your habits will make you into a social pariah as you get older. Until now — no more guessing required. Here are 27 things guaranteed to get you laid at 25 and rejected at 35. Read more on Ask Men…
It’s no secret we all omit some of the grittier and less pleasant details of ourselves. Nobody wants to let it be known on a first date about their flossing rituals or what exactly their browser history looked like last night (before he erased it, of course).
These are tiny experiences and habits that make us all the same, that actually are universal and connect us, as the late-and-great George Carlin spent a career pointing out. So…why so embarrassed? Why must we hide the clauses in the fine print when asking someone else to sign the terms and conditions form? Well, lets run down a few of them and maybe we’ll answer that together. Read more on College Candy…
The best way to define what is “sexy” is to first define what is not sexy. Duck face? Not sexy. Fake tans? Not sexy. Internet think pieces about how some young woman making millions in the public aquarium isn’t sexy? Not sexy AND IRONIC.
Lena Dunham’s character Hannah in “Girls” is sexy. Apparently this is a thing that has to be written. She combusts with sexual energy and heartbreaking vulnerability — she simultaneously claws out of and slinks around comfortably in her tattooed skin. Keep reading »
Stressing over your appearance is one of the many undesirable aspects of singledom. But what if you had empirical data to help you prioritize your beauty regimen? Thanks to Match.com, now you do.
The online dating site conducted a three-year study of over 5,000 single men and women and came up with a list of the top 10 things men judge women on. The least surprising news? Over half of the list was appearance-based. It makes sense — women have seemed to adjust their getting-ready times accordingly, devoting 136 full days of their lives primping and preening for a night out, according to another 2008 survey.
OK, now are you ready for the surprising news? Match.com found that the most important thing for men is a woman’s teeth, which took the top slot with 58 percent of votes. And all those years you thought your dentist was just being naggy about the whole flossing thing. Read more…