When your consider the fact that beer-flavored lip gloss, beer-filled donuts, and, ahem, beer-flavored vagina wipes have all been invented, your reaction to beer-flavored jelly beans will probably be something along the lines of, “Seriously? Those didn’t already exist?” But these jelly beans are no novelty or passing fad — they’re the real deal, the result of tons of research. “Beer has been a highly-requested flavor for decades,” proclaims the Jelly Belly website, “and after years of perfecting the formulation, we’re ready to share this new product with the world.” The new product? Draft Beer Jelly Beans. Described as an excellent candy choice for Hefeweizen aficionados, “the effervescent and crisp flavor is packed in a golden jelly bean with an iridescent finish.” I don’t even like beer that much, but I’ve gotta admit that description has my mouth watering. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your outlook), Jelly Belly insists that their beer beans will not — I repeat, will NOT — get you drunk. [Design Taxi]
In what may be the best police report of all time, Pennsylvania State Police Trooper Brad Jordan attempted to describe an incident which transpired on an Armstrong County Township school bus. His exceptionally penned report read:
“Both the victim and the accused were riding school bus. The accused expelled wind from the vulva during coitus while at the back of the bus. The victim began to laugh and chuckled at the accused for her actions. The accused approached the victim and elbowed him in the testicles. Accused was cited for harassment.”
Let me translate for you: An unidentified 18-year-old girl was having sex (hopefully with a boy of legal age) in the back of the school bus, when she queefed very loudly. A 13-year-old goon riding the bus started giggling at the queef (can you blame him?) and the the girl elbowed him in the balls.
The tragic part: She’s 18 and still has to ride the bus. The even more tragic part: She will forever be known as the school bus queefer. [Liberty Unyielding]
A big thank you to Sandra Nabucco, the Brazilian woman who reminds us that our weirdest worst fears can come true. While the 52-year-old was out walking her dog, a porcupine fell off a telephone wire and landed on her head, leaving 200 quills in Nabucco’s scalp. “It was a huge shock. I felt a thud on my head and then felt spines with my hands. The pain was enormous,” she said of the incident. If porcupines are literally falling from the sky now, who’s to say a shark couldn’t jump out of our car while we’re driving or a lion couldn’t randomly appear in the gym steam room right when you drop your towel? Inspired by Mrs. Nabucco’s unlucky plight, here are a few of our weirdly specific phobias that might be more realistic than we thought…. Keep reading »
Who knew? Life as a professional cheerleader can be a struggle. Lacey T, a 27-year-old Oakland Raiders cheerleader, filed a lawsuit against her team yesterday for wage theft and unfair labor practices. Her lawsuit is on behalf of all 40 Raiderettes, who earn only $1,250 annually. Some of her grievances are as follows: Keep reading »
A judge in New Orleans has given the Times-Picayune website 10 days to turn over the identities of two online commenters, reports Politico. The judge agreed to the request by the lawyer for Stacey Jackson, former head of the New Orleans Affordable Homeownership program who is facing federal charges of corruption. Read more on Newser…
Another reason to drop everything and move to San Francisco: a tea house/cat cafe called KitTea is planned to open in spring 2014. KitTea will be a “zen retreat” for both human and homeless cats: humans for tea drinking/feline-snuggling and cats for the opportunity to be adopted. KitTea will partner with a local cat rescue and manage adoptions of cats on the premises. And because this is San Francisco we are talking about, the FAQ section on KitTea’s website even answers the pressing question “Aren’t you taking advantage of the cats?” Certainly not. “The well-being of the cats comes far before the business of tea,” KitTea insists. “This is a passion project that is very close to our hearts and souls.” The occupancy of both cats and humans will be kept to a minimum, which is why reservations are recommended. We’re sold! Bring on the pussies. [KitTeaSF] [Image of a cat via Shutterstock]
Dear Taco Dude,
First of all, I’d like to let you know that I feel your pain. While you were weathering the blizzard in Baltimore, I was also snowed in and hungry in New York City. It sucks to have a “shItty little hybrid douchemobile” that won’t make it to your neighborhood Taco Bell when it’s “snowing like a bitch outside” (not to mention the “few drinks too many” you’d thrown back), but dude, put yourself in my snow boots! Not only did I not have a ride in last night’s storm, I don’t own a car and getting a taxi in NYC would have been like an act of God. My hungry ass had to huff it, through the snowdrifts and gusts of icy wind, to the local bodega for whatever scraps I could find. A sad turkey sandwich. No tacos for me. Keep reading »
Yes, McDonald’s French fries are very dangerous in the sense that you could inhale a super-sized order in the blink of an eye. But also, they can be physically dangerous, as demonstrated by a woman in Bordeaux who was seriously injured by one of the delicious potato wedges. Let this be a cautionary tale.
It started as most fast food kerfuffles do; with hungry people and slow customer service. An unidentified, angry patron tried to launch a French fry, missile style, at a McDonald’s employee. Presumably as a signal for the McDonald’s staff to get going on the Big Macs? But the aim was off, and instead of pelting the employee with a potato torpedo, it hit a female diner in the eye. The woman was rushed to the hospital with a scratched cornea and told to stay home from work for the next 10 days. Police are still trying to track down the French fry assailant. I guess this is what our parents meant when they told us not to play with our food.[Cybergazing]
Here’s what ‘s not on the approved activities list when you’re babysitting (no matter how bored the kids get): tattooing your charges. Virginia mom Melissa Delp and her boyfriend Daniel Janney returned home from a date to find that their babysitter, 20-year-old Alexander Edwards, had inked Delp’s two young daughters (both under the age of 13) with an at-home tattoo kit. Without anyone’s consent, Edwards reportedly inked one girl’s name on her shoulder. There’s no no word on what kind of tat the other girl received. Keep reading »
I generally feel pretty “meh” about tourist attractions, unless the tourist attraction in question is an upside-down house that gives you a chance to live like a cartoon character. Turns out just such a house exists in Moscow, and it’s drawing tourists from all over the world who have always longed to jump on the ceiling without breaking their necks and/or getting yelled at by their parents. Adding this to my travel bucket list right away. After the jump, check out a few more photos of the topsy turvy abode, complete with an upside-down Mini Cooper parked outside! (Life dream status.) Keep reading »