As my coworkers and roommates over the years can tell you: I have louder, and thereforefunnier, than average hiccups. The involuntary diaphragm spasms also have great timing, always managing to show up just as I’m about to finish a sentence like “No, I just have the hiccups,” or “Just give me a chance to hold my breath for a bit,” or “Shhhhhh.”
And while usually I can rid myself of them by manhandling my diaphragm by taking very deep breaths in and out, Mallory Kievman has done me one better by inventing a lollipop that cures hiccups in her kitchen. She is only thirteen. Read more …
Dear Guy Who Legally Changed His Name To Tyrannosaurus Rex,
Last week you were just a regular 23-year-old guy named Tyler Gold from York, Nebraska. Then you went to court and filed a motion to change your name to Tyrannosaurus Rex, telling a judge you wanted to do it because it was “cooler” than your original name (totally true, by the way). When you walked out of that courthouse your legal name was Tyrannosaurus Rex Joseph Gold, and suddenly I want to marry you and have tons of little T-Rexes. Use those comically short arms of yours to give me a call sometime. I have a feeling you could be the Lizard King of my heart.
[York News Times]
Catherine Scalia (aka Hot Dog Hooker), is back on the streets and offering “a wiggle with your wiener.” Wonderful slogan, by the way. I hope I have the opportunity to work that into conversation today. Even though she pleaded guilty to misdemeanor prostitution after giving an undercover cop a side of lap dance with his hot dog last week, she is adamant that she isn’t a hooker. Hooker’s suck and f**k, strippers wiggle. She’s a stripper. So please, refer to her as “Hot Dog Stripper” when you order your wiener/wiggle combo. Or we could call her Hot Dog Mom since she has four teenage sons. I really want Hot Dog Stripper and Tanning Mom to do a reality show together. I’d love to watch those two conversate. [Bossip]
Yes, there is more important news about President Barack Obama expressing his public support for marriage equality. But these are bras with ice in them. They are from Japan, and they were created in response to the shutdown of the country’s nuclear reactors following the Fukushima catastrophe. This means that Japanese citizens are encouraged to avoid using air conditioners. Finally — women will have a way to keep their breasts cool and nipples erect for days on end. Gentlemen, consider this a consolation prize while you sweat your balls off, because there is no such contraption for you … yet. Read more …
Remember the name Raymond Williamson because you’re gonna want to steer clear of this guy romantically … or just in general. After a domestic dispute with his girlfriend, the 20-year-old New Yorker got physical with her while trying to steal her cell phone. When Plan A didn’t work, Williamson headed to the grave of her dead pet chinchilla. From there her proceeded to exhume the remains of the rodent, which had been dead for weeks, and take photos of its carcass, which he then sent to his girlfriend’s cell phone. To add insult to injury, he allegedly returned the following night and stole $260 cash from her. This charmer was charged with grand larceny, harassment and disrupting the eternal slumber of a chinchilla. Consider him dumped. [Daily Mail]