Those near and dear to me know the thing I hate most in the world: mayonnaise. That evil beast of a condiment. Sorry if you are a mayonnaise lover and I’ve offended you. I have good reason though. When I as in high school, I worked at Mrs. Fields. It’s bakery and sandwich shop for those of you who are unfamiliar. Anyhow, one of the things I was responsible for was something called “flipping the deli.” This is when you take the sandwich ingredients stored in those metal bins and you give them a “flip” so that no one part of the ingredient is out in the open air for too long. One of these ingredients was mayonnaise. If you’ve never had the great pleasure of “flipping” a vat of mayonnaise, here’s what you need to know: It forms a brown crust after only minutes of air exposure. And I cannot tolerate this brown crust. It scares the crap out of me and I’ve not eaten mayonnaise since. OK, that’s the backstory. Onwards to the real story. There exists a woman with a mayonnaise addiction. Of course there does. But, NOOOOOOOOOO! Keep reading »
Dear Jason Slater,
May I start off by saying that one of the most attractive qualities a potential boyfriend can have is a sense of playfulness. And you, my friend, have that. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that you are 28 years old and live in a pillow fort in your mom’s closet. Pillow forts are the most fun. And while I haven’t built one since I was nine, maybe 10, I am totally open to the idea of getting back into that. I think the authorities were wrong to arrest you for calling 9-1-1, saying you were the president of the United States and demand to speak to Tim Tebow. You don’t really think you’re the president or want to speak to Tim Tebow. I get what you were trying to do, Jason. You were making a prank call — one of my favorite things to do too! Well, it was when I was in middle school. Remind me to tell you about the time I crank called QVC and actually got on the air. It was such a rush! Anyhow, even though it’s not the best idea to prank call 9-1-1, I like your style. I can tell you are a true kid at heart. Wanna get together and build pillow forts and make prank calls? I think that would be radical. Check yes, no or maybe.
Peace Out Dude,
[943 The Point]
Comedian Mark Malkoff, the same guy who once lived on a plane for 30 days, wanted to find out how many movies he could possibly stand, er, watch on Netflix in one month. The answer: Two hundred and fifty-two (his goal had been 250). In recognition of his achievement, Netflix invited Malkoff to its Los Gatos headquarters, where he met CEO Reed Hastings; the company also named June 11 “Mark Malkoff Day.” Read more …
Once, twice, three times a lady. But four times with a teddy bear?
Charles Marshall of Cincinnati is accused of having sex with a teddy bear for the fourth time in the past two years, according to the Smoking Gun.
Marshall was arrested Wednesday after employees at a health clinic saw him masturbating with a teddy bear in an alley, according to a police report obtained by the Smoking Gun.
Marshall has three previous convictions for either public indecency or disorderly conduct with a teddy bear. This latest time he was hit with a disorderly conduct charge. Read more …
While there’s no shortage of creative ways criminals try to steal loot from stores, shoving prawns up your skirt apparently isn’t the best strategy.
But Krystal Douglas, 26, and her accomplice, 68-year-old Charles Simboyan, clearly thought otherwise before they were caught shoplifting from a Costco on Monday, State Island Live reports.
According to the report, security guards approached the woman in the parking lot after noticing her awkward walk.
But what first tipped them off was the $5,000 worth of missing polo shirts, which they traced to the duo thanks to security footage, according to Staten Island Live.
Their arrest brought an end to a two week shoplifting spree at the Staten Island store, police told the New York Post. Read more …
Dear Devil Impersonator,
They have not revealed your identity, but aren’t you quite the little shit starter. I wonder what gave you the idea to put on a devil costume and try to crash a confirmation service at a church in northern Africa. Granted, you were arrested before you made it into the church and charged with disturbing the peace, but your idea was creative, albeit offensive. I like to give my potential suitors the benefit of the doubt. So, I am choosing to believe that you are just a man in need a more appropriate outlet for your creative rebellion. I have a proposal for you, Devil Boy: Come to our country, dress up as a vagina and rattle those Michigan House Republicans who think speaking the word on the floor is as offensive as entering a church dressed as the devil.
I look forward to hearing back from you.