Dear Drunk Tourist,
You sauntered up to the Rome airport’s international terminal with a backpack and a can of beer, ready to check in for your flight. When no one showed up to help you (God, customer service these days!), you jumped over the counter and snuggled up on the baggage belt for a quick nap. This would have been a totally reasonable plan, except that baggage belt started moving, taking you deep into the secure mazes of conveyor belts within the airport while you snoozed contentedly. Who knows how far you would have gone or which corner of the world you would have been shipped to if security guards hadn’t spotted you on their x-ray monitors and plucked you out of your drunk suitcase dreams.
Listen dude, I’m not sure if it’s your laissez-faire attitude or the fact that the x-ray scan of you looks like an ultrasound photo of an adult man-baby, but I’m intrigued. What do you say next time you let me buy you a beer and we take a nap together?
“As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.”
This vile word concoction, penned by Cathy Bryant of Manchester, England, was officially crowned The Worst Sentence of 2012. Contestants who entered the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest were challenged to write the worst opening line to an imaginary novel. Congratulations Cathy, this is absolutely disgusting. The phrase “greasy sebum” might have just put me off food for the rest of the day. I wonder if the rest of her novel existed, if it would be a Harlequin horror where people in love were plagued to blindness by a rare breed of flesh-eating eyelash mites. That cold be fun, I’m totally entering this contest next year. There are too many good writers out there, the world needs more crappy ones. After the jump, some other worst sentence winners. Keep reading »
I’m adding this one to my list of favorite eBay auctions along with the fart in a jar and the antique anti-masturbation device. Brandon Tudor of Illinois was auctioning off bird poop that resembled Michael Jackson. When a bird shat on his windshield, Brandon claims the likeness to the late po(o)p star became obvious “after it hardened.” The full listing reads:
“Everybody has potato chips or burned crust images of the Virgin Mary… But only you will have your very own bird shat image of Michael Jackson!!! A bird pooped Michael Jackson on the windshield of my car. -Your purchase will include full windshield including bird poop image. -Are you a collector of rare and unique things? -Are you obsessed with Michael Jackson and want that unique piece no other collector will ever have? -Does his spirit live on? -The questions are endless… -Don’t get out bid on this one of a kind collectors piece!!!”
Keep reading »
If you’ve ever been to IKEA, you’ve probably wandered into one of the elaborately staged bedrooms or living rooms, plopped down on a bed or couch and pretended–if just for a moment–that you lived there. In China, IKEA customers are taking this idea to a whole new level: they kick off their shoes, tuck themselves in, and take long, leisurely naps right there in the store. Apparently this has been a normal occurrence since the furniture chain first opened in China, but it gained worldwide attention after a blogger snapped photos of people catching Z’s in a Nanjing IKEA. Click through to check out the pics, but be warned: you will totally want to snuggle into a reasonably priced bed for a nap afterwards… [Oddity Central]
Words I never want to read again: “Last week, doctors found a Lego piece in a ball of fungus in a boy’s nose.” The unlucky child who had a Lego trapped in his sinuses was 6-year-old Isaak Lasson of Salt Lake City. Wait for it … it’s been up in there for three years! The doctor only discovered the foreign object because the kid was having severe sinus problems. Issak doesn’t remember lodging the wheel up his nose, but he remembers sticking other things in his nostrils. “I put some spaghetti up there, but that was a long time ago,” he told the doctor. Well, as long as he’s not doing it anymore. We’re happy that the Lego is out of his nose and that Isaak is feeling much better. [Orlando Sentinal]
This is really scary. Memphis woman, Shayna Isom has a rare skin condition which causes her hair follicles to produce 10 times the normal amount of skin cells. So basically, that means that nails grow on her body wherever hair should be growing.
Her mystery illness, which she’s believed to be the only person in the world suffering from, began when she had an allergic reaction to steroids she was taking to treat her asthma. Shayna was forced to drop out of school. She lost her ability to walk without use of a cane, and her family soon found themselves thousands of dollars in debt trying to afford her medical care. Keep reading »