The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:
- The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
- The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
- Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?
– The White House’s response to a citizens’ petition to build a Death Star (yes, like the one in “Star Wars”), which gathered more than 34,000 signatures, is all sorts of amazing. The response — penned by Paul Shawcross, Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget — goes on to laud the country’s many other advancements in space science and encourages the petitioners to do their part in enjoying the future, by “pursuing a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field.” And also, he says, “Remember, the Death Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force.” Best response ever, this is. [WhiteHouse.gov]
Dear Beautiful Existence [yes, that's really her name],
First of all, bitchin’ name, sister.
Second of all, I am not entirely sure you are not a Starbucks plant. But nevertheless, your goal to spend the whole of 2013 only eating and drinking food and beverages from Starbucks leads me to believe we should be best friends. Keep reading »
Dear Jason Earl Dean,
I understand that this week a judge sentenced you to four years in prison for handcuffing yourself to a woman who wouldn’t go out with you. Apparently, her Taco Bell coworkers heard her screaming, and rushed outside to find you cuffed to this woman. When they approached, you let her go. According to reports, you’d been asking her out for like, a month, so I’m sure it seemed like a perfectly logical thing to do at the time — because life is a Dane Cook rom-com. Keep reading »
Facebook giveth and Facebook taketh away. For every story about it doing slightly creepy things or haphazardly enforced content restrictions, there’s a story like this. Tanija Delic and Hedija Talic are 88- and 82-year-old sisters who haven’t seen each other since 1941, when their family was separated while fleeing their home in Bosnia at the outbreak of war. Seventy-two years later, the internet has brought them back together again.
After losing her family, Talic was raised in an orphanage. The girls’ parents died during the war, and a brother emigrated to the United States, and despite her best efforts, Talic couldn’t find any hard information on her family once she was old enough to ask. Read more…
Whoa, boy. A woman in Las Vegas, Nevada, was arrested for placing a hit on her husband and charged with plotting his attempted drive-by murder. Amy Bessey allegedly contracted her 21-year-old adopted son, Michael Bessey, and a friend, Richard Pearson, to carry out the attack on Roger Bessey, but their attempt was foiled.
But here’s where things get REALLY weird.
Keep reading »
A gem of a story comes to us today from Florida (natch), about a woman whose rage at her cheatin’ man led her to poop. On the floor. Brenda Schumann of Vero Beach, Florida, went to her estranged husband’s home with a rifle and found him in bed with his girlfriend. She threatened to kill them both, but hubby Donovan Schumann was able to disarm her. There was a brief scuffle, and then Brenda decided to pee on the carpet in the hallway outside the master bedroom. Later, she went downstairs and pooped on the kitchen floor.
And here’s the best part: When cops went to her home to arrest her for aggravated assault and domestic violence, she allegedly told police, “I found him in bed with a naked chick. What was I supposed to do?”