Dear Kenneth Guillespie,
I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it seems like you’ve finally hit “bottom” as they say. You were found half-naked, screaming in agony after attempting to have sex with a snowman. Kenneth, let’s be real here — you almost lost your dick. If you put your penis in a snowman, you’re going to get frostbite. That’s how it works. But I’m sure you weren’t thinking clearly. Because you were wasted. (The neighbors found a pile of empties near the snowman carnage.) Keep reading »
Well, it looks like I might have found a side gig! This is an actual help wanted ad that appeared on Backpage.com. This “group” with no name “specializes in extracting key pieces of information from business leaders by seducing them with beautiful ladies.” So, this is either some heavy duty espionage or straight up sex work. Or maybe a little bit of both. Either way, it sounds totally legal. I’m kind of tempted to go on a job interview just to find out more. [Business Insider]
Dear Gareth Morgan,
I’ll bet you are getting a lot of hate mail right now. I know that there are going to be a lot of people out there who think you are a heartless monster for your efforts to eradicate New Zealand’s cat population. (Actually, I’ll probably get hate mail for even writing you this note. My co-workers might disown me. I might need to start wearing a disguise to work!)
Your blog, CatsToGo, takes a tough stand against felines: “That little ball of fluff you own is a natural born killer.” Whoa. That’s serious. You go on to suggest that cat owners can either euthanize their cats or neuter them and replace them when they die. That’s harsh, Gareth, even for someone who doesn’t care for the little natural born killers. (Me!) Keep reading »
In case you were wondering, and I know you were, breasts can be used as a weapon. Washington woman, Donna Lange has been charged with second-degree manslaughter for smothering her 51-year-old boyfriend to death with her boobs. This weekend, at a Snohomish County trailer park, neighbors called the cops when they heard a man screaming for a “woman to get off of him.” When police arrived, they found a drunk Lange on top of the man, “her chest was smothering his face.” He was pronounced dead on the scene. No word on Lange’s motives.
This is not the first time a pair of boobs almost killed a guy. In December, a German man narrowly escaped a similar fate when his ex-girlfriend nearly motorboated him to death. She claimed that she meant the him no harm — that they were only playing a “sex game.”
Let this be a lesson to us all, boobs, when used without the appropriate precautions, can be dangerous. [Local 12]
A Harvard professor has hatched a plan to bring back the Neanderthals—but he needs an “adventurous” female volunteer to deliver a knuckle-dragging bundle of joy. George Church, a geneticist who helped pioneer the Human Genome Project, says it is now possible to create artificial Neanderthal DNA from bone samples, put the DNA into stem cells, inject those cells into an embryo, and then implant into a woman willing to give birth to a Neanderthal baby, the Independent reports. Read more …
God bless British programming for keeping us informed of all the things we need to fear in life. BBC Four’s “The Brain: A Secret History – Broken Brains” features a woman who suffers from a rare disorder known as Alien Hand Syndrome.
After receiving a special operation to control her epilepsy in which the band of nervous fibers connecting the two hemispheres of the brain is cut, Karen Byrne found that her left hand and sometimes her left leg, behaved on it’s own, as if it were possessed. The very brief explanation is that Alien Hand Syndrome is caused by a war going on in her head between the two hemispheres of her brain. Sometimes, Byrne can’t stop slapping herself in the face, to the point of injury, with her possessed hand. Sometimes, her hand does other naughty things. Keep reading »