Dear Calum Ward,
I’m writing to tell you that I’ve finally decided that I’d rather be alone than eat the shit sandwich you’re serving me. I have to save what’s left of my pride. Your most recent incident at the bus station humiliated me so much that I don’t think I have a choice but to dump your crazy, substance abusing, peanut punching ass.
While drunk and high on weed and speed (you told me you were off the speed, liar!) you punched a pack of peanuts and then set them on fire. Seriously, Calum? WTF!? We’ve talked about you not carrying any matches when you’re on one of your benders. And if that weren’t embarrassing enough, after that, you threw yourself, spread eagle on an ambulance and started dry humping it. The police officer who arrested you said that “It look[ed] as though [you were] attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance.” Calum, I can’t. I refuse to be made a fool of any longer! (Not like we were having sex anyway with that whiskey dick of yours.) Keep reading »
You didn’t know you needed to watch this, did you? But you do. You need to watch two minutes of goats yelling like humans. Just like humans. It’s unnerving. It’s annoying. It’s not at all adorable, but still completely fascinating.
There’s a plot for a romantic comedy in here somewhere: a 16-year-old British girl named Lauren Marbe has scored 161 on a MENSA test, ranking her intelligence higher than Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates and Albert Einstein. But people are shocked – shocked! – at Lauren Marbe’s genius intelligence because she’s a blonde girl from Essex (which is apparently the Seaside Heights of Britain) who loves fake tanning, getting manis, and reality TV. Keep reading »
Hi there. I hope everyone had a splendid Valentine’s Day. Mine was about as uneventful as it gets. A shout out to my mom for being the only person to wish me Happy V-Day! Woot woot! Don’t worry, you are not detecting a whiff of bitterness emanating from this gal. I had a perfectly fine February 14th. But I can’t say the same for everyone. Some peoples’ Valentine’s Day bombed. After the jump, I’ll leave it up to you to vote for who had the worst Valentine’s Day. Keep reading »
Dear Johnnie Blade,
First of all, your parents clearly knew you were destined for greatness, because they gave you a name that could only befit a future porn star or Klingon sword enthusiast. I have no idea about your adult film industry experience, but you were recently arrested for “wildly swinging” a four-foot long sword in a Fort Lauderdale intersection. In your defense, you were actually observed “proudly displaying” your crescent-shaped weapon — a bat’leth, technically — and who could blame you? Klingons are the most fiercely honorable alien species in the “Star Trek” cannon, and their weaponry is incredibly impressive. (Props, by the way, to the person who correctly identified your sword as being Klingon.) jIyajchu’. [That means "I understand fully" in Klingon.] If I were lucky enough to own such a fine blade, I would want to show it off to passing motorists as well. As soon as this misunderstanding is cleared up and the police let you go, we should meet up for a couple glasses of prune juice. Hoch DIl! [I'll pay.]
yIghoSDo’ — and qamuSHa’ [Good luck and I love you],
Rock ‘n’ roller Chubby Checker is in a twist about a penis size app that shares his name. The 71-year-old musician is suing Hewlett-Packard to the tune of half a million dollars for “irreparable damage and harm” caused by the “Chubby Checker” app for HP’s Palm OS. The app has since been removed from the HP catalogue, but the previous description read: “Any of you ladies out there just start seeing someone new and wondering what the size of their member is? … All you need to do is find out the man’s shoe size and plug it in and … there is no need for disappointment or surprise.” Keep reading »