Dear Bernard Anderson Bey,
As a 32-year-old homeless man, I think you’ve sensed that it’s time to take stock of your life, take responsibility for your actions and get your shit together. That’s good! You took initiative. You came up with a plan — albeit a misguided one — to turn things around for yourself. In a lawsuit you filed from a laptop at the Brooklyn homeless shelter where you are currently staying, you sued your parents, demanding that they mortgage their share in the home part-owned by your father so your family can “break the bonds of poverty” by buying two Domino’s Pizza franchises. The $200,000 lawsuit blames your parents for leaving you homeless because they allegedly raised you and your siblings in poverty and didn’t love you enough. As a backup plan, you’ve enrolled in automotive trade school (which I think may be your best bet.) Keep reading »
My big sister Allison egregiously aids and abets my panda obsession. She is the one responsible for almost all my panda crap, most of which sits on the bookshelf above my desk at work: panda mug, panda PEZ dispenser, panda eraser, twin panda Christmas ornaments, a panda figurine, and a panda T-shirt. Now, I have a new panda knickknack I covet: a micro crochet mohair panda. You read that right! This made-to-order panda cutie measures in at 0.8 inches, making him smaller than the pad of your finger. What the shit do I need a micro crochet mohair panda for? Especially one retailing for a cool $78? Who the fuck cares! Allison, my birthday is coming up. [Etsy]
Spontaneous human combustion (SHC), for those of you who don’t spend time obsessing over it as I do, is when a live or recently deceased human body catches on fire without any external ignition. As in, someone is sitting watching TV one minute, and the next they’ve gone up in flames. There a many theories as to how and why SHC occurs, none of them scientifically conclusive. One hypothesis is that SHC is related to unnaturally high blood alcohol levels. More paranormal explanations include an increased susceptibility to gamma rays or an atmospheric electrical phenomenon known as ball lightening. Many scientists don’t believe that the SHC truly exists. They claim that the fire always ignites outside the body.This is known as the “wick effect.” Needless to say, SHC is very, very rare. Wikipedia sites that there have been 200 cases reported in the last 300 years. Keep reading »
It’s always uncomfortable to receive a gift you don’t want. You remember your childhood birthday parties. Just smile and say thanks for the Barbie you already have! Boise man, Andy Thompson, found himself in an extremely awkward position when he won a $3,000 voucher for breast augmentation surgery. For Mardi Gras, a local bar was giving the boob job away as a Fat Tuesday door prize, and Thompson was the lucky winner. When asked what he plans to do with his new pair of boobs, the 37-year-old joked “I was thinking about going with a C cup, but I think a small A is good for me.” But seriously, Thompson doesn’t know “what the plan is” for his unwanted prize since there are “so many good options.” Keep reading »
Dear Calum Ward,
I’m writing to tell you that I’ve finally decided that I’d rather be alone than eat the shit sandwich you’re serving me. I have to save what’s left of my pride. Your most recent incident at the bus station humiliated me so much that I don’t think I have a choice but to dump your crazy, substance abusing, peanut punching ass.
While drunk and high on weed and speed (you told me you were off the speed, liar!) you punched a pack of peanuts and then set them on fire. Seriously, Calum? WTF!? We’ve talked about you not carrying any matches when you’re on one of your benders. And if that weren’t embarrassing enough, after that, you threw yourself, spread eagle on an ambulance and started dry humping it. The police officer who arrested you said that “It look[ed] as though [you were] attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance.” Calum, I can’t. I refuse to be made a fool of any longer! (Not like we were having sex anyway with that whiskey dick of yours.) Keep reading »
You didn’t know you needed to watch this, did you? But you do. You need to watch two minutes of goats yelling like humans. Just like humans. It’s unnerving. It’s annoying. It’s not at all adorable, but still completely fascinating.