Dear Veniamin Balika,
Let me preface this love letter by saying that I understand that stealing is wrong and don’t condone it. But I can’t help but be impressed by a man who can pull off a cheese heist of unprecedented proportions. I find cheese thievery sexy for obvious reasons.
Veniamin — or should I call you Cheese King? — you have my respect for managing to make off with 42,000 pounds of Muenster cheese from a Wisconsin distribution plant. That’s enough cheese to fill an 18-wheel truck. That’s roughly $200,000 worth of cheese, which you planned to sell on the black market. I had no idea the black cheese market was so lucrative. I had no idea there was a black cheese market. I knew about the underground chicken wing market. But not cheese.This is all blowing my mind. So much fucking cheese! Enough cheese to fulfill all my dairy cravings for the rest of my life! Enough cheese to build a cheese house and live there together like two happy mice. I know, I’m getting ahead of myself. Keep reading »
And you thought you had a rough day at the office: a prostitute in Zimbabwe passed out during sex with her john. As she was being placed inside a coffin, she suddenly woke up and began screaming, “You want to kill me!”, thus freaking everyone the f**k out. The woman, identified as MaNdlo, reportedly collapsed and “died” on the job at the Manor Hotel in Bulowayo, Zimbabwe. Authorities wasted no time putting MaNdlo inside a steel coffin, as they assumed her cold body mean she was dead. Nope! “It was like a movie,” The Huffington Post quoted a source ”People were running away in different directions. It was a scary incident because we were all convinced that she had died because she was just cold. Miracles surely do happen.” Or maybe people just need to learn how to take a pulse. [Huffington Post]
Good morning! Have you had your coffee yet? Great! Because you’ll need something in your system to help you digest these glorious photos of Brazilian “model” Sabrina Boing Boing breastfeeding a calf. Ms. Boing Boing, whose chief talent appears to be hiring herself out as a Pamela Anderson impersonator, posted the photos on Instagram, with the caption (translated from the Brazilian) “some things don’t need to make sense, just worth it!” Yes, just worth it.
This isn’t Boing Boing’s first erotic foray to the petting zoo. Last week, she posted topless photos of herself about to feed an ostrich, too. (Picture of that after the jump) Somebody get this woman a TV show. [Huffington Post]
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Bro code rule number one is that if you pass out at a party or a gathering of bros, you have to accept the consequences. The consequences, historically and bro-culturally, are typically that you’ll wake up with a dick or several dicks drawn on your face. It’s not necessarily fair, but thems the rules. So when 31-year-old (!) James Denham Watson got wasted and passed out on the couch while hanging out with his friends, he shouldn’t have been surprised to wake up with a gallimaufry of penises scrawled across his face. Keep reading »
On a scale of one to absolutely freaking psychotic, staging a knife attack on a first date so you can play hero ranks, uh, absolutely freaking psychotic. Twenty-six-year-old Tyler Siegel of Jonesboro, Arkansas, went all out to impress his date, but not with, like, flowers and a fancy dinner or something like that. Oh no. As a little end of the evening surprise, he arranged to have his friend pretend to be a criminal and attack the couple at knifepoint while strolling through a local park. Oh, yeah, because women really love those kinds of surprises! Keep reading »
Dear Jacek Korolko AKA The Guy Who Was Fined For Blasting Celine Dion Songs,
My love for Celine Dion is well documented, but it’s tough for me to find men who appreciate her majestic vocal stylings as much as I do. My current boyfriend, for example, could sum up his feelings about Celine Dion with a shrug and a “meh,” which upsets me to no end. You, on the other hand, obviously share my passion for Queen Celine, because you were recently fined £1,300 (nearly $2,000) for blasting her songs at high volume at your apartment complex in Bristol, England. Apparently your neighbors have been “very distressed at the unreasonable volume of music played often late at night,” but let me tell you something: your neighbors are idiots. Move in with me, and we’ll crank up the volume to “The Power Of Love” until all the windows shatter.
‘Cause I’m your lady,