I often find myself marveling at people’s innovative (and illegal) public masturbation sessions. Like the guy who emptied a vacuum cleaner in a neighbor’s home and then pleasured himself on the dirty floor or the woman who diddled herself on a Florida highway. I know both of these self-love sessions ended in arrest, and I don’t condone crimes where anyone feels violated, obviously, but I can’t help but be in awe of how much trouble they went through just to get off!
This week, William Blakely wins the creative/illegal masturbation award. The former Mount Carmel, Tennessee, Vice-Mayor is facing charges of indecent and reckless endangerment and criminal attempt to commit aggravated assault for jerking off out of the window of his car while he was driving 90 miles per hour. I mean, how do you even achieve that? Keep reading »
First, a couple of dudes stole $65,000 worth of chicken wings. Then someone stole 42,000 pounds of Muenster cheese. And now, thieves have made off with $21,000 worth of Nutella. Over the weekend, the town of Niederaula, Germany, was robbed of seven palettes of Nutella. The Nutella addicts stole the jars from a parked semi-truck trailer.
And that leads me to believe that someone is getting ready to throw the world’s biggest weird-combinations-of-food party. What could you make with all that chicken, Nutella and cheese? Let’s go to the cookbooks, shall we? Keep reading »
Dear Goat Thief,
Listen, I get it. There is nary a time when I watch a funny goat video or walk by the urban goat sanctuary by my house (I live in Portland) and don’t plot a way to steal the adorable goats and make them my pets. My eventual life goal is to have a herd of a thousand pygmy goats who all wear coordinating sweaters, and it can be frustrating that my current lifestyle does not allow for that. Stealing just one goat often seems like a quick fix for my sad, goat-less life.
Perhaps you felt the same way when you abducted a pygmy goat from a Montana petting zoo. The next part though, the part where you took said goat to a bar at 1:30 in the morning, that’s the part I don’t really understand. Keep reading »
Have you tried shopping for perfume lately? The selection is so extensive it can be a daunting process. To make things easier for you, Dutch artists Lenert and Sander have created a new scent called “Everything,” which is a mixture of every single one of the 1,400 perfumes that were released last year. Apparently it smells exactly as you’d expect: “We think Everything smells of your average fragrance department store — that wall of smell that hits you when you enter it,” the duo explains. Well, that sounds like my worst nightmare. “Everything” is making the rounds at perfumeries and art shows, and isn’t available for purchase, but perhaps you could whip up your own version by boiling down a bunch of magazine perfume samples into a pulpy, musky soup? [Oddity Central]
New York. It’s a hell of a town. And it’s about the only place where a taxicab bearing what appear to be garlic bunches from the rear bumper seems totally normal. Maybe this guy had a run in with Edward and Bella or the cast of “True Blood”? Maybe it’s a wry commentary on the “social vampires” of the cityscape? Or maybe, just maybe, he’s looking for an innovative way to store the garlic cloves he’s harvested from his backyard garden. I dunno. What’s your guess?
I read about how you’ve been suspended from school 24 times this year because of your “foul” body odor. Your mom claims she took you to the doctor and they said there was nothing medically wrong with you, but still the school continues to send you home about twice a month. Students and teachers have complained about your smell and said that it’s so strong that they can’t concentrate on school activities when you’re around. A spokesman at the school district says that your odor is so overpowering that you will have to be removed from the school until your family complies with hygiene standards. Keep reading »