My parents raised me with a certain set of values: 1) The sunny side of the street causes headaches, 2) Lateness is rude and disrespectful, 3) No one wants to see photos of another person’s vacation. Not, like, genuinely. Not, like, ever. Society pitched in and taught me a handful of others including the all-important: All men want sex all the time.
I absorbed this message and, under its guidance, I threw myself at my high school friend Bob. I was 17 when this happened and I’d had a crush on Bob for ages. We’d gone to see a movie, and when we were about to say goodbye, I said, “Hey. Bob. What if I kissed you goodnight?”
And Bob said, “Oh. Gosh. Um, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I think of us as being just, you know, like, friends.”
Now, in fairness to Bob, were you to see a photo of me in 1996, you’d understand his position. You’d be, like, “Wow. Well, I bet that you were pretty on the inside.” Regardless, the rejection was traumatic. Keep reading »
Not that I’m looking for a career change; my job is freaking awesome, and trust me, I know it. But there are some jobs that sound too incredibly amazing to be true.
Can you imagine getting paid (not sure how much) to jump on the bed? That’s what Reuben Reynoso does. He’s a professional mattress jumper at a handmade mattress factory. Rueben’s job is literally to jump on three mattresses a day and compress them so they are just right for human use.
“It’s work … It’s not for everybody. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it … This is not a game … not to me,” he says. Even though Rueben reports that the job is only fun if you don’t have to do it, it sounds like a goddamn blast to me. Sign me up. [SF Gate]
Keep on clicking for some more dream jobs that will inspire jealousy in you. And maybe even make you consider a career change.
1. Excitement. You’ve got supplies! You’ve got wine! You’ve got enough kettle corn to last for a year! You’re finally going to watch all five seasons of “Breaking Bad” and people will stop making fun of you for never having seen it. You are pumped and ready to be a shut in for days, weeks if necessary! Bring it on!!
2. Boredom. You’ve seen four episodes of “Breaking Bad” and it occurs to you that you’ve never watched this much TV in one stretch, except for that one time that you had the flu for a week and you watched all six seasons of “Sex and the City” and then called your dad crying, begging for chicken noodle soup. You start to yawn. Like BIG yawns. Endless yawns. You wander from room to room. Bathroom. Water. Wine. Kettle corn. You turn on another episode of “Breaking Bad.” You can’t do it. Keep reading »
Sexually, I am neither conservative nor incredibly kinky. I like to think of myself as an open-minded chick who will try almost anything once. I don’t know what you all are doing in the bedroom, but I’m going to assume, based on conversations with friends, and the occasional reading of Dan Savage’s column, that I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum when it comes to sexual experimentation. Even though I’m down to try new things, sometimes, I surprise myself with what sexual territory I’m willing to venture into, given the right circumstances. After the jump, a few things I never expected to try in the bedroom and enjoy. Keep reading »
If your sex life sucks as of late, it’s probably not your fault. Feel free to blame your rut on your IKEA bedroom set. At least, that’s what BBC personality Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen is suggesting. “How could anyone enjoy having sex in an Ikea bedroom?” he asked. “I find IKEA’s attitude deeply unsexy … For a start, it’s all flat-pack – it’s going to rattle … That’s not what grown-up sex is like. Grown-up sex should be opera, it should be drama, it should be black velvet and silk, and it should be indulgent and opulent, regardless of how much it costs.” Well, at least it’s not anything you did. That must make you feel better. Just get rid of that MALM bed frame you’ve had since college, splurge on something more opulent and let the opera sex begin. Personal responsibility averted. After the jump, some other things that you can blame your lackluster love life on. Yay excuses! Keep reading »
The second time the guy I’m dating spent the night, he opened his eyes in the middle of the night, pointed at my air conditioning unit, which was set to 74 degrees, and said: “Seventy-four! I’m 74! Remember when I was 25?” After I realized that he wasn’t actually awake (he’s nowhere near 74, but he’s not 25 either), I spent the next half hour, awake, analyzing this piece of dialogue. I decided he was having issues with aging, which I told him when he woke up. He agreed. I’m not much of a sleeper myself, never have been, so I’m always excited to have something to keep me entertained in the middle of the night. Keep reading »
I was just talking to a friend about her new, amazing, best-sex-ever relationship. She said her first date with her now girlfriend was awful. They had nothing to talk about and it was awkward as hell.
“Why did you go out again?” I asked.
“We had already planned a second date before the first. It was a fluke,” she explained.
Now my friend is having the best sex of her life, something she wouldn’t have had if she hadn’t given this woman a second chance.
When I first moved to New York City, I dated pretty heavily. Wait. Heavily is the wrong word — that implies getting in deep, right? I dated many different guys. But I only went out with one of them more than once.
How is that even possible? Looking back, I see that since I only went out with them once, they were fundamentally the same exact guy — First Date Guy. Keep reading »
With all the candy, costumes and wild parties, Halloween is the perfect holiday to trick-or-treat for hookups. We say, capitalize on the cheesiness of the holiday and test out so totally lame pickup lines. Worst comes to worst, the person who rejects you will never know what you really look like. They’ll just remember you as that pervy witch who tried to get in their pants. No loss, no foul. After the jump, pickup lines especially for Halloween! Keep reading »
Halloween is an interesting night for hookups with its own peculiar array of pros and cons. One Hallow’s Eve back in my 20s, I remember having this realization as I made out with a guy at a party. He was dressed as Frankenstein. I’ve never gotten green greasepaint makeup all over myself while making out before … I wonder if it will make me break out? The thought distracted me while we sucked face. This is an example of a uniquely Halloween hookup issue. The makeup did not make me break out for the record. And he got back together with his ex-girlfriend the following week, so that’s that. But these types of things good things to know. After the jump, some more ways hooking up on Halloween is different. Keep reading »
Playboy collected anecdotes, and tallied and rated colleges to see where the most partying is going on. Their method was to take the top 100 colleges in the US and measure them in the categories of sex, sports and nightlife. I’ve made no secret about the fact that I have no interest in sports and I’m too old for nightlife (I can barely make it up past 1 a.m. anymore). So that leaves sex. Let’s talk about which schools ranked as the best places to get laid. Ahem, my alma mater, NYU, ranks near the top of the heap. Go Violets! Mom and Dad, stop reading now. Keep reading »