Something my mom and I share in common: we hate running into people in public. We’re both fairly sociable people with lots of friends and acquaintances,but dread being caught unaware at the grocery store or the nail salon — even by someone we might genuinely want to see. But especially by someone we don’t want to see.
As a child, walking through the aisles of Costco on a Sunday afternoon, my mom would squeeze my arm and say, “It’s so-and-so, put your head down.” Often my dad, who loves running into people, would bust our cover and wave to the person in question. “Hey look! It’s so-and-so!” Under her breath, I would hear my mom utter, “Goddammit.”
I can’t say for sure why we’re like this. Perhaps it has to do with our distaste for small talk. But there are no lengths my mother and I won’t go to to remain unrecognized in public. Keep reading »
Earlier this week, at the Mumford & Sons concert, I was sitting next to a bro who kept trying to cheers my empty fist. The first time, during “Little Lion Man,” I gave him a polite smile and smashed my fist against his cup of Coors Light. The third time he tried, I started to get testy. The bro may have gotten under my skin, but he sparked an important existential realization: not much has changed since my first Lollapalooza in 1992. Well, there were no cellphones back then, and I would never wear a red bra under a pair of conductor overalls with no T-shirt nowadays, but other than that, the people are pretty much the same. After nearly three decades of concert going, I think I’ve finally nailed down all the types. Keep reading »
I refuse to be one of those people spewing bitterness about Valentine’s Day. As a single person, no, it’s not my favorite holiday. But it wasn’t my favorite holiday when I was coupled either. Aside from the pricey prix fixe dinner menus, the reason being, Valentine’s Day is limiting. This concept of “romantic love,” that it’s the only kind of love that is transcendent or important, is just dumb. It sets you up for failure. If you don’t have it, does that mean you’re unloved or unlovable? Um, NO! Really, we all have access to many different forms of love, and if we’re wise, we are pursuing all of them and not just putting all of our love eggs in one basket. It’s easy to forget that. So, I’ve taken a few moments to reflect upon some really simple ways to invite more love in this Valentine’s Day that have nothing to do with romantic love. Keep reading »
Breaking news: men don’t want to have sex all the time. I know. Total shocker. Seriously, the expectation that anyone will want to have sex all the time is ridiculous. Sometimes your privates need to rest, dammit, or you’re just not in the mood. The other day, the Daily Mail published the results of poll about why men avoid sex. The survey was about erectile dysfunction, which we’re not going to talk about today. Instead, we’ll focus on some other popular excuses men came up with to get out of doing it. Assuming all the equipment was working properly and stuff, the most commonly cited get-out-of-sex excuses included the pets are watching, I’m too busy playing video games, and I’m too full. I’ve heard these all before. Even the pets excuse, which I thought was weird. Substitute “playing video games” for “listening to NPR” or “practicing guitar.” Naturally, I had to conduct an informal poll myself. Here are some of our favorite excuses. Please share yours in the comments. Keep reading »
I’ve been going to the same vagina waxer for almost six years now. When you tell people that you wax down there, often their first question is: Isn’t that awkward to have someone all up in your vagina like that? The answer is no. Good waxers make you feel like your vagina is disinteresting. Or mundane. And I mean that in the best possible way. Good waxers look at your vagina the way a grocery store cashier looks at a carton of milk; only enough to make sure they’ve scanned it properly at check out. Vaginas are just kind of a non-issue to them. I know there is some debate as to whether or not it’s appropriate to talk to one’s waxer while she is working on the vagina. I say yes. After six years of waxing my muff once a month, I pretty much consider my waxer, almost, kind of, a friend. We’re not friends, but she knows what’s going on in my life and I know what’s going on in hers. I’ve been with her through two pregnancies and she’s been with me through four times as many breakups. All that being said, there have been a few really uncomfortable moments we’ve shared over the years. Keep reading »
Warning: Spoilers and NSFW video. We’ve had some bizarre sexual encounters in our day, but Marnie and Booth’s coupling on last night’s episode of “Girls” was beyond creepy (okay, and hilarious). When Marnie ran into “that smeege of a man” as Hannah called him (I’m stealing that!), Booth took her back to his place to show her his work. He proceeded to lock Marnie into his panic attack-inducing art installation cage where TV screens flickered disturbing images and Duncan Sheik’s “Barely Breathing” played on a loop. Meanwhile he checked his email and had a snack. Seriously, I almost couldn’t watch because I was getting claustrophobic. It was very Willy Wonka when he takes the kids on that crazy boat ride. Not to fret! It got weirder! Booth freed Marnie from his art prison, comforted her and fucked her, reciting a sex script so bizarre, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I don’t think Marnie did either. Seriously, this exact thing must have happened to one of the writers. It’s just not possible to make this shit up. Keep reading »
I’m going to preface this by saying that I am a yogi. I do a combination of Bikram style hot yoga and vinyasa flow at least three days a week. I support yoga in all of its forms. But please, don’t make me think about a room full of men practicing it naked. In Edmonton, Canada, Shanti Yoga Studio’s men-only naked class is gaining popularity, CTV News reports. To quote Winona, “Aaahhhhhh! No downward facing ballsacks!” I couldn’t have said it better. And I don’t even want to imagine what Crow Pose looks like naked. It’s just not something I can endorse. [Huffington Post]
Guys, I’m sorry to say this, but with the whole penis and balls situation there are just some things that just really aren’t becoming for you to do naked – or at least, for us to see you do naked. Here are the worst offenders…
Look, we don’t want to take all of the magic out of life. After all, can “science” and “mathematics” quantify something as mysterious as the beauty of music, or the evil of the human spirit, or the madness of a panicked mob?
Yeah, pretty much. Get enough data, create the best algorithm, and you can get some nice pretty graphs that tell you. Read more …
As the proud owners of vaginas for many years now, we were pretty sure we knew all there was to know about the old girls. We were wrong. After the jump, the most jaw-dropping tidbits about your lady bits. Prepare to be shocked and amazed by all the things you didn’t know about vaginas. Keep reading »
Consider me awed and humbled by the discovery of my Facebook “Other” folder. How did I not know about this!? This morning, Julie informed me that in your Facebook messages inbox there exists an “Other” folder. It’s like the Bermuda Triangle of Facebook messages. Invites, messages from non-friends and other virtual detritus all get sucked in there and disappear. Winona refers to it as “a second chance at life.” I concur. Well, obviously I had to scroll through all 99 unread messages RIGHT AWAY and see what I’d missed in the last three years. Holy shit! Consider my ego sufficiently stroked and my faith in life renewed. After the jump, the treasures I found in my “Other” folder. Keep reading »