Nearly two years ago, I wrote about all the reasons why having a plant is better than having a boyfriend. Then, recently, I landed myself an awesome boyfriend who is pretty much always available to listen to me in the way my plants previously did (and before that my childhood dog, Mandy).
Now, begrudgingly, I’m forced to admit that having a boyfriend is slightly better than having a plantfriend. It’s just more edifying to have someone listen to you who talks back with kind words and intelligent insights and also wants to make out with you. (Friends are good for this kind of thing as well — minus the making out — if you’re not with boyfriend at the moment.)
But just because I have a human companion, doesn’t mean that I appreciate the sage wisdom of my plants any less. A big shout out to Liberation, Money Bags, Muffin Top, Spike, and Banana for always being there for me. Here’s what I’ve learned from living with my plantfriends for the last six years, my plantitudes, if you will…
I’m an an undomestic goddess of the highest order. I believe I’ve mentioned that I hate to cook so you probably wouldn’t be that surprised to learn that I hate to clean. YET … if you walked into my apartment, you would think it was clean. How do I do make this magical illusion happen? Full disclosure: I do pay someone to deep clean my apartment one to two times a month. It’s the most worthwhile $100 I’ve ever spent. BUT ALSO, I am the master at straightening up. I don’t clean, I straighten. If you’re like me — unwilling to break out a single cleaning product when you’re having company over — then you’ll appreciate my super lazy cleaning tips. Use them well and try not to judge me. Keep reading »
Spring Cleaning Week is forcing me to confront my hoarding tendencies. I know that hoarding is a serious mental illness that causes severe problem for many people. I don’t mean to use the term with any disrespect. I’m not a hoarder by any stretch of the imagination. But let’s just put it this way: I can barely close my underwear drawer anymore. It’s getting to be a problem. I’m really good at buying new underwear, but not so much at throwing the old pairs away. Like, for instance, I still have a pair of paisley-printed, ’70s style briefs that my mother gave me in HIGH SCHOOL (I graduated from high school in 1996). They don’t fit anymore on account of the fact that they’ve been washed so many times that they no longer contain any elastic. They just fall right off my body. Yet, I can’t seem to bring myself to put them in the garbage can. They’re just so unique. Keep reading »
I think if Carl Jung was alive, he would call Reddit a sieve for the collective unconscious. Or something like that. Because I’m a total Jungian, I like to spend time on Reddit researching the state of our collective psyche. Not that I need to justify being a Reddit junkie or anything. OK. I’m a Reddit junkie. There! I owned it. Moving on. This week, I stumbled upon a very enlightening AskReddit thread about things women think turn men on, but really aren’t doin’ it for them. We’re sorry, guys. We had no idea that you don’t like it when we treat your balls like fun toys. Check out some of the most interesting things men had to say, in their own words, about the ways in which we are failing to turn them on … unbeknownst to us. Keep reading »
Non-boyfriend: defined as a close, uncomplicated friendship you have with a dude that defies all romantic weirdnesses because you two aren’t dating and have established that you never will. Would he sleep with you if you begged him? Probably. Is there some tiny spark of attraction? Sure. But that’s not the point. The point is that you’re both happy being two single friends who would maybe, in some some second life universe, bang if the moment arose. Until he finds a real girlfriend, and he will because he is an awesome guy, he will be a loyal, devoted, supportive and drama-free friend who you can text whenever the hell you feel like it. Of course, he may become a little scarcer once he gets a girlfriend but that’s OK because you’ll be happy for him. Appreciate him while he’s around. This is an ode to non-boyfriends and all the wonderful things about them… Keep reading »
As a woman in her ’30s, I thought I knew pretty much all there was to know about my body. If you had asked me, I would have sworn I was well-informed. And then I started going to a new gynecologist and she literally blew my mind when she told I’d been checking my breasts all wrong. What? How had I missed this? I knew about the circular check but not the up-and-down pattern. Well, maybe because the last time I learned about breast self-examination was from a pamphlet I got in high school. That was a while ago. After the jump, I asked other women about the most surprising things they learned from their gynos. Keep reading »