This year did not disappoint when it came to sex headlines. In 2012, I learned a lot of new and important (I’m not sure if “important” is quite the right word, but I’m going with it) lessons. I’m still trying to make sense of it all, but let’s review what I’ve absorbed thus far. There was just so much…
We’ve had lots of boyfriends who we’ve had to remind to wash their hands before they put them anywhere near our vaginas. Don’t they know that dirty paws cause yeast and bacterial infections, or, on the off chance that he’s been chopping jalepenos, a fucking wildfire down there? These are the kinds of thing that people with penises don’t seem to understand. They think we’re molly coddling our coochies, being precious about our privates, but vadges really are temperamental.
Because of germs and jalepenos and general man hand dirtiness, we humbly request that the Invention Gods create a biometric hand sanitizer so boys could scan their hands and be germ/jalepeno/whatever-free within seconds. How much more fun would that make sex? A lot more, we think.
Click onward for some more sexventions that we think would revolutionize our sex lives.
Ho, ho, ho! Who would have thought that jolly ‘ol Saint Nick would inspire anything remotely sexual? Just a quick sleigh ride through the Urban Dictionary and we’ve discovered that Santa is sliding down chimneys and into bedrooms. This Christmas, you may want to stuff one of these in your partner’s stocking. Depending on how naughty or nice they’ve been…
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We can always count on Barbara Walters to redneckognize greatness. On the short list of her”Most Fascinating People” of 2012 is 7-year-old Alana Thompson, better known as Honey Boo Boo. Walters called her reality show, “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” a loving story:
“The relationship between Alana and her mother — that’s the story, the two of them. It’s very touching … Honey Boo Boo is not an obnoxious little girl. She’s sweet and loving with her mother and loving with her sisters… And now Anna has a new baby, and the baby has [three] thumbs — but so what? It’ll make you smile.”
No mention of all the farting and burping, but we’re hoping Babs will get around to that during the sit-down interview, airing December 12 at 9:30 p.m. I suppose I should mention that other guest will include Hillary Clinton and Gabby Douglas.
But, we know who will steal the spotlight. After the jump, some imagined moments from what has the potential to be one of the most amazing Barbara Walters interviews ever. [US Weekly] Keep reading »
It’s that time of year again. Time to reflect on the goings on of the last 12 months. And a lot of the strangest goings on were going on in the Sunshine State. Nobody’s quite figured out why yet, but Florida is the undisputed winner of WTF. Oh Florida, congrats! You are succeeding at something! Click through for a review of all the things Florida kicked ass at this year (not really).
Breakups always suck, no matter what, for both dumper and dumpee, or even if it’s mutual. But there are certain kinds of breakups that suck worse than others. That’s just true, the same way that certain ways of dying suck worse than others, in your sleep versus slowly and painfully of cancer. God, this is getting really macabre really fast. I’m sorry.
You can probably tell by my tone (and the fact that I’m listening to The Smiths) that I’ve just gone through a breakup. As some of you know, I was trying to be Switzerland, which worked for a while, and then I couldn’t remain neutral any longer. Our breakup was mutual and amicable and about as pleasant as something so unpleasant could be. I’m grateful for that. But still, BLERGH.
Here’s the thought I’m left with at the end of this relationship (to quote a Broadway song because I love Broadway musicals and I don’t care if that’s embarrassing): “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish.” Keep reading »