When I was 13, I didn’t have the option of purchasing my Units separates on Ebay or getting the new Red Hot Chili Peppers cassette tape on iTunes or finding a way to live stream the latest NC-17 film on my laptop. If I wanted a lava lamp or a new glamour shot or an Orange Julius, I had to convince one of my parents (or one of my friends’ parents) to drop me off at the damn mall for the day. It was an event which required strategic planning and ingenuity. And one that I was concerned that young people today might miss out on. Keep reading »
Stage 1: Skepticism. You sit down at what’s supposedly the best deep dish pizza restaurant in all of Chicago and think to yourself, There’s no way I’ll like this better than New York pizza. I like my crust thin. I like to be able to fold my slice in half and eat it while I text and Instagram and walk the dog. What the hell does Chicago know about pizza that New York doesn’t? And then you sit and wait until your pizza arrives. It takes a good 30 minutes, and you don’t care how friendly the waiter is (FINE, the people in Chicago are nicer), no pizza is worth waiting more than half an hour for. You have other things to do. Like, try Italian beef. What are they doing back there, making the crust a quarter of a millimeter at a time?
Stage 2: Playing it cool. The pizzas arrive, piping hot and smelling better than bacon on New Year’s morning and you have an automatic salivary response. Your stomach churls and lurches, but your face shows none of it. Smell isn’t everything. You are going to reserve your enthusiasm for the first bite.
Stage 3: Loss of decorum. Despite your resolve not to like this bastard form of pizza, you’ve bitten down on a slice of pillowy, saucy, crunchy deep dish cheese with pepperoni, and you’re experiencing a mini-blackout. All of your pleasure centers are responding at once. You are floating through cloud crusts, sailing through a pepperoni sea. You are lulled to sleep on a bed of sauce and tucked into a blanket of mozzarella. And no pain or harm can come to you. Now or ever again. The world is not such a bad place after all as long as deep dish pizza stays in your mouth forever. You don’t care if it’s all over your face. You don’t care if you’ve brought the plate up to your face and you are licking it. You are alone with the pizza. Just you and the pizza for eternity. Keep reading »
I’ve never had a wedding. I’ve never planned a wedding. I’ve never even helped plan a wedding. But, as a 30-something, I’ve been attending weddings regularly for the last decade and I think it’s time for me tell about-to-tie-the-knot couples the truth: the things your guests care about (open bar! music!) and the details you’re stressing over (favors! the selected reading at your ceremony!) are completely different. If you were considering making your guests pay for drinks, may I recommend that you skip the embossed matchbooks and focus on what’s important here: ENDLESS CHAMPAGNE. Not that the wedding is for the guests, but just in case you were wondering, here are some things your guests will/won’t remember about your big day: Keep reading »
A new survey breaks down teenage angst by the numbers. According to the findings, in one year, the average teen girl will have 183 disagreements with her mom, 157 with her father, 257 with her siblings, and 127 with her friends, during which she’ll slam 164 doors. In addition to all the time she’ll spend fighting and slamming doors, she’ll cry a whole lot over boys. About 123 times a year to be precise. That’s a lot of Kleenex wasted on boys, if you ask me.
This survey highlights the worst about teenage girls. And yes, it’s true that they can be overly emotional, ultra dramatic and super combative. HORMONES! But as a former high school teacher at an all-girls school, I know that as irritating as teen girls can be, they also have so many amazing qualities that they don’t get enough appreciation for. My favorite things about these strange and wonderful creatures after the jump. Keep reading »
So, you’re naturally a screamer whose partner has to put a pillow over your mouth when you’re having an orgasm. You’ve probably resented this at some point, because when you’re cumming, instead of reveling in pleasure, you’re thinking about who heard you and thought you were getting your organs harvested against your will. Your loudness might have left you envious of those quiet types who let out one tiny sigh when they cum. WTF is that all about? Maybe you’ve even fantasized about, at the very least, being a grunter because it would be better to sound like a cavewoman than a murder victim when you have sex. At least dogs wouldn’t bark every time you climax and your stupid, nosy neighbors would stop making jokes about you being a porn star. You’re just enjoying yourself and that’s what it sounds like, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH! It’s time to stop feeling shame about your natural sex noises and start seeking out situations where screamers are welcome. Here are some ideas for where you can take your loud orgasms… Keep reading »
Usually our mothers give us sound advice, like we need to use shaving cream and lotion to prevent razor burn. Or that that we should swallow our pride and apologize if we’ve done something wrong. We’re on board with this stuff. But sometimes, the things our mothers tell us are just really bizarre. In honor of Mother’s Day, some motherly words of wisdom from questionable beliefs about bananas to misconceptions about our periods that made us go Huh? Keep reading »
We don’t get to choose our mothers. That would make everything so much easier. Or would it? There’s no such thing as a perfect mother. We may wish our mothers were in some way different, but that’s a waste of energy. The truth is, any mother we would have had would’ve left us with a lifetime of issues to sort through. On the flip side, those very struggles become the source of our greatest strengths. Bitch and moan all you want about your mom’s shortcomings, but you’ve got to love her because she’s made you the person you are today. In honor of Mother’s Day, let’s take a moment to be grateful for all the mother material we have to talk about in therapy. Keep reading »
Really fun weddings produce really fun wedding guests. When there’s an open bar at the reception, and the after party and the after, after party (which is an impromptu affair on a shuttle bus back to the hotel), you’re going to see some really drunk guests. This can be particularly fun not just for the blitzed people — but for the lightweights. You know, the two-and-a-half glasses of champagne at the reception and one shot of whiskey at the after party because their pride won’t allow them to turn it down types. They are the ones truly reaping the benefits of the spectacle. Staying relatively sober while everyone else is shitbombed allows the time and space to observe human nature. Well, drunken human nature. Below, a semi-sober assessment of the wasted guests you’ll see at a wedding. Keep reading »
I guess when the sex tape thing didn’t pull through, Tanning Mom, my muse, had to come up with another way to stay in the spotlight. What about her biopic starring her? I’m dying for that! Anyhow, Patty Krentcil decided to hit the recording studio and cut her first single, “It’s Tan Mom!” The truth is, I don’t care why she’s releasing her new single, just that she is. The track, which begins with Tanning Mom channeling her inner Britney Spears (“It’s Tan Mom, bitch!”) is due out on iTunes May 6. That should pretty much be the best day of my life. Until then, I guess I’ll have to listen to other ill-conceived singles released by people desperate to extend their 15 minutes. I don’t include Reality TV stars in this category because they ALL try their hand at a music career. My two exceptions are Danielle Staub and Courtney Stodden because I have love for those cray bitches. After the jump, some of my favorite never-were-celebrity songs. [AU News] Keep reading »