A few years ago, I got a job working part-time at Starbucks, for the same reason as approximately 75 percent of coffee shop employees: to augment my writing income. The ‘Bux I worked at was a drive-thru store out in the suburbs, and although I’m still trying to figure out whether or not it was a positive experience (sometimes I really miss making perfectly layered caramel macchiatos, other times I’m plagued by nightmares about the espresso machine breaking during the 8 a.m. rush), it was definitely a difficult, fascinating, and educational one. Here are seven life lessons I learned while wearing the famous green apron… Keep reading »
Happy National Cheese Day, everyone! What are you doing to celebrate? I’m carving a life-size bust of Alexander Hamilton out of a wheel of Parmesan, but I do that every Monday, so I need to do a little something extra to celebrate this special day. Looking for some inspiration? After the jump, check out five ways to pay homage to the most delightful dairy product… Keep reading »
Musicians may have more sex than your average bear, but as the bad advice covered in these lyrics show, they may not always know what they’re talking about. The following are some egregious examples of misguided advice. Keep reading »
One afternoon this week, I was putzing around on Twitter, procrastinating on work, when a tweet from Patti Stanger, the star of “Millionaire Matchmaker,” caught my eye. “Part of acting like a lady involves allowing him to be a gentleman,” she tweeted.
Hmmm, I thought. That’s just good advice. Then I thought about it for a second. Wait. What does that even mean? It sounds like a riddle. The more I thought about it, the less it made sense and the more it seemed to be zen koan-like thought farts.
Patti Stanger’s Twitter feed is filled with these thought farts. Like her Bravo show ”Millionaire Matchmaker,” she offers a melange of useful observations on dating and relationships, mixed with some truly reactionary, fucked-up advice that seeks to corral both men and women into normative gender role behavior. (In fact, we’ve debunked some of this fucked up-edness before.) Let me be clear: if people want to choose that normative gender role behavior himself or herself, that’s great. I choose it a lot of the time myself, in fact. But it’s not ethical to teach people their most successful strategy for finding love is to squeeze yourself into a box and follow the sexist script.
After the jump, let’s debunk some of Patti Stanger’s advice over Twitter … the good, the bad, and the truly WTF. Keep reading »
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was first developed in the 1950s by the American Psychiatric Association as a way to classify and define mental problems. It covers a whole host of problems, including clinical disorders, personality disorders, and intellectual disabilities. And it’s been revised several times since its original publication, to include new and emerging psychological problems.
But even so, we think the DSM isn’t quite complete. In fact, we’ve been experiencing an array of disorders of late that we think should definitely come under review by the APA for potential inclusion. That’s because we believe these disorders are now widespread and very, very debilitating. After the jump, we give you a list of some of the new disorders we believe we — and you — might be suffering from. Keep reading »
Let me tell you about a thing that happened to me once: It was 2004. and I was 25 and out to dinner with a guy I’d been casually seeing for awhile. I was under the impression that, following our post-dinner drinks, we’d be going back to his place so we could … pick your euphemism why don’t you: Do the horizontal mambo, do it, bone. But then, as we exited the bar, he was all, “Well, I should really be getting home.”
I took this as an indication that he was shy – unsure of whether or not I was in the mood – and so I took it upon myself to throw my arms around his neck and say, “Whaaaaat? Nooooo! Don’t you want to have sex with me tonight? It’ll be … fun!”
Then I burped accidentally. I’m talking, like, right in his face. Keep reading »
Vagina Killer (vah-ji´nah kil′ər) noun: 1. The thing that an otherwise acceptable man can do or say on a date to ensure that he will never get into your pants. Ever.
Vagina killers will stop the mojo of any good date dead in its tracks. For example, say you’re on a date with a perfectly charming, perfectly smart, perfectly handsome, perfectly eligible man. Ah, you think. A normal man at last. A good conversation. A nice dinner. Things are going well! And then he drops the one bomb that will ensure your vagina is closed for business to him for all eternity. Like he tells you that all he needs in his life is his cat; in fact, they are best friends and they do everything together. For a non-allergic cat lover, that might be a vagina awakener, but for me, a very allergic, non-cat loving person: vagina DOA. I’m sorry, Guy — you were in the running before you KILLED MY VAGINA.The point being, vagina killers are very personal and specific, but we all have them. Remember, your goal is to keep that vagina alive so you can meet her in person! After the jump, some more deadly vagina killers to avoid at all costs. Please share yours in the comments.
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Um. Sold. And they only cost $60. I need a Hugvie, the vibrating communication pillow. You just put your cell phone in a pouch in its minimalist human form, cuddle it, and it vibrates to the rhythm of the voice of the person you’re talking to. “The two vibrators produce a throbbing sound like a heartbeat. That pulse can get faster or stronger, depending on the volume and tone of the caller’s voice,” said inventor Hiroshi Ishiguro. Sounds exciting. This may be the thing that gets me to start talking on the phone again. [LA Weekly]
Last Friday, the weather was so lovely that I decided to walk home from work. On my way, I stopped by a deli and bought a big bunch of beautiful peonies, my favorite flower. They’re only in season for six weeks and I basically hoard them during that time. So anyway, a few blocks from my apartment, a guy in his early-’20s sidled up next to me and asked, “Who bought you flowers?”
“I bought them for myself,” I replied. Oh lord, what’s this dude want?
“Awwww,” he said with pity in his voice. “That’s so sad. A guy should be buying you flowers. I would.”
This, friends, is classic negging. Buying yourself flowers is sad! Flowers are supposed to be bought for you! By a mannnn! I should be flattered that this guy, who just declared my flower-buying “sad,” would buy me flowers. Little old sad me. What-the-fuck-ever. I rolled my eyes, uttered an “mmkay,” and detoured down another street.
The truth is, while it’s of course nice to get a bouquet from a dude, flowers are actually on the short list of so-called “romantic gifts” that boyfriends sometimes give that I would actually rather buy for myself. Allow me to explain… Keep reading »