I’ve always been a fairly clumsy, messy person. I’m incapable of wearing a white blouse without soiling it with mustard stains, even if I don’t eat any foods with mustard on them (“Phantom Mustard Magnet” isn’t just a great band name, it’s my reality). I tend to trip at really inopportune times, and not in a charming Jennifer Lawrence way. My soup-in-mouth vs. soup-on-face ratio is about 1:5. I should probably buy stock in Tide To-Go Pens. I can assemble full meals with all the crumbs I find in my cleavage at the end of the day. You get the idea. So anyway, last night I was having dinner at a Mexican restaurant. While telling a story, I began gesturing wildly with a chip in my hand, and — wouldn’t you know it? — I ended up with a large glop of guacamole in my hair. So gross. Or was it? I mean, I had been meaning to do an avocado scalp treatment this weekend. Wasn’t this basically the same thing? After all, like the old adage says (I’m paraphrasing here): “When life hands you guacamole in your hair, just rub it in and make an avocado scalp treatment.” Inspired by my margarita-fueled beauty epiphany, here are 10 beauty treatment ideas for all my fellow klutzes! Keep reading »
So, you farted. You’re human. It happens. The question now is how you’re going to react to the gaseous gift you just bestowed on the world. Depending on a variety of factors such as sound, smell, and present company, there are many potential responses to a toot, ranging from shock and denial to unabashed pride. Here are a few common fart reactions we know all too well… Keep reading »
The other day, my boyfriend Nick and I were in the middle of ordering our drinks at Starbucks when two or three different coffee timers started going off at at the same time behind the register. Our frazzled barista gasped, “Oh my gosh, just a second,” then sprinted back and forth between brewing machines, frantically trying to locate and reset the offending timers. Nick and I smiled sympathetically; we knew her plight all too well. “We both used to work at Starbucks,” I said, “so don’t worry, we understand!” When she had finally silenced the cacophony of urgent, high-pitched beeping, she leaned over the cash register and whispered, “When you worked here, did you ever hear that beeping … like … in your head?”
“YES,” we both answered immediately.
“It was like a ringing in my ears that never stopped,” said Nick.
“I had recurring nightmares about a coffee timer that had no reset button,” I said. “It just kept beeping for all eternity. I used to wake up in a cold sweat!”
You see, working at Starbucks, it changes you. Whether you love it or you hate it, you’re never quite the same after you don that famous green apron. The experience is equal parts educational, inspirational, and traumatizing, but one thing’s for sure: all Starbucks employees, past and present, share a very special bond. Here are a few surefire signs that you are one of us: Keep reading »
I started running regularly about six months ago, moving slowly from the “Oh My God I Hate This So Much” stage to the “Hey This Is Kind Of Cool” stage to the “If I Go More Than 2 Days In A Row Without Running I Miss It And Get Really Aggro” stage, which is where I’m at now. As someone who was always the slowest runner in gym class, whose favorite workout has always been “anything but running,” learning to enjoy my almost-daily jogs has been something of a revelation. The craziest part? Realizing that the cliche about running being 90 percent mental is totally true. As I slowly build up my mileage on the treadmill, it’s the mental obstacles, not the physical ones, that intimidate me most. Self-doubt, insecurity, body image issues: these challenges are invisible to everyone but me, but they’re real, and finding ways to conquer them has been one of the most rewarding parts of my running journey so far. Here are five invisible obstacles I have to overcome every single time I run. Keep reading »
Generally, honesty is a good policy, but sometimes life calls for you to fake it. Not to the point of self-delusion or denial, just long enough to get through or get by. Occasional faking doesn’t make you a liar, an impostor, or a fraud, it makes you smart. Strutting in to the interview for your dream job exuding confidence when you really feel like a quivering pile of insecurity, for example, is not just smart, but necessary. From feigning surprise when you learn the big secret you already knew about to pretending to love your mother-in-law’s beef stroganoff, here are a few things that are completely and totally OK to fake. Keep reading »
At my boutique job, I see a lot of guys shopping with their wives and girlfriends. Some of them are amazing shopping partners, helping their ladies pick out cute dresses and offering helpful feedback in the dressing room. Some of them are completely disengaged, plopping down on a chair immediately upon entering the store and grunting one-syllable responses when prompted, never looking up from their iPhones. And the rest are … less than pleasant: sighing dramatically, making snide comments, complaining constantly. Listen, you don’t have to love going shopping (lord knows we hate it half the time), but if you do agree to accompany your lady to the mall, you might as well try to make the best of it. Here are a few dos and don’ts to help you be the best shopping partner you can be… Keep reading »
It’s completely normal and natural to complain about your job, even to hate it at times. When you spend 40+ hours a week doing anything, it doesn’t matter what, you’re going to have your own special brand of grievances — from the fact that your boss wants you to fax every email she receives while she’s on vacation to the baby opossum infestation in your classroom. Yep, I have experienced both. It’s normal to be filled with murderous rage about these things. (If those feelings are persistent and pervasive,I suggest you look for a new job.)
The key to being content at your job, I’ve found, is to constantly remind yourself of all the much worse things you can be doing to earn your living. Whenever I feel myself about to go off the rails over something stupid, I simply remind myself that it’s BTCDD, short for Better Than Changing Dog Diapers. This is something I’ve done for pay. And seriously, it was the most awful/degrading/depressing/disgusting way to earn $12 an hour. I’ve had a million odd jobs and changed careers three time, so that’s saying A LOT. As far as I’m concerned, there is no worse fate than taking a velcro nappy off a pug, and replacing its poopy sanitary napkin insert with a fresh one. To put all of our job annoyances in perspective, here are some more of the the most awful things I’ve done for money… Keep reading »
Miranda Lambert just announced a release date for her fifth studio album, Platinum, and even though we have to wait til June 3rd (that’s soooo far away!), I couldn’t be more excited. Miranda is one of my favorite country artists — a strong, sassy lady in a sea of autotuned frat boys — and the two years that have passed since her last album, Four The Record, have been long, long years. Here are 5 reasons I’m going to make a paper chain to count down the days until Miranda’s new album comes out, because I’m that stoked about it: Keep reading »
I had my first banjo lesson last week, and I don’t know if I’ve ever been more nervous than I was in the hours leading up to it. We’re talking sweaty palms, red face, shortness of breath — the works. Part of the reason was that I love the banjo so much (as I told my teacher, “It’s my favorite instrument, my soul mate instrument, my happy place”) so my first lesson kind of felt like a first date with the guy of your dreams; the stakes were high, and I didn’t want to mess up. The other source of my nervousness was my musical history. I knew that all of my previous attempts to learn an instrument had failed spectacularly, and I seemed to attract strange and dysfunctional music teachers like moths to a flame. Below, a few vignettes from my sad, weird, musical past. Oh, and my banjo lesson went great, actually. Let’s hope this trend continues! Keep reading »