Dear Real Life Cookie Monster,
Listen, I know absolutely nothing about you, except for the fact that you are dressed in a Cookie Monster costume while buying a package of Chips Ahoy in a surprisingly dispassionate manner. I don’t need to know anything else. Please give me your address so I can bring you a box of Oreos and hold up a sign that says, “To me, you are perfect.”
xoxo,
Winona
Sure, your plastic iPhone case might look stylish and keep your phone safe from cracks and scratches, but it has one major design flaw: you can’t eat it. That’s where the Senbei Survival iPhone Case comes in. Designed and developed by a Japanese baker, the survival case is made of rice and salt, and doubles as a nutritious treat in the event that you become trapped somewhere and find yourself slowly starving to death. Sounds like a sweet deal, right? The only problem is the rice cracker phone case is so fragile, its chances of making it through your morning commute–let alone a natural disaster–are slim to none. The product website explains the likelihood of the case breaking is 89% if you put it in your pocket, 50% if you try to turn up the volume on your phone, 18% if you use the touchscreen, oh, and one more thing: there’s a 9% chance it will break in the box while being delivered to your house. Still, it seems that people are willing to overlook these minor issues for a chance to munch on their iPhone cases: the phone has already sold out at select retailers. [Daily Mail]
So, let’s say the world actually is going to end on December 21st, as predicted by the Mayan calendar maker whose carving hand got tired and finally said, “Fuck this, I’m getting a drink.” How would you want to spend your last hours on Earth? A quiet night in with family and friends? Watching one final sunset over the ocean? Confessing a lifetime of sins to your priest? Putting the finishing touches on your apocalypse survival kit? How about horfing a platter of loaded potato skins and pounding “Mayan Margaritas” with a bunch of rowdy douchebags at T.G.I. Friday’s? Yep, this meaningful end-of-the-world experience can be yours, thanks to T.G.I. Friday’s “The Last Friday” apocalypse party, which includes a special “Mayan Menu,” thumping dance music, giveaways, and a photobooth. Last Friday parties are scheduled in Chicago, D.C., Los Angeles, Miami, Tampa, and Orlando, so if you want to join in the hedonist hoedown, book your tickets now. As for me, if I somehow find myself at a T.G.I. Friday’s apocalypse party, I will take it as proof the world actually did end, and hell is way worse than I ever imagined. [Zagat]
It’s that time of year again. Time to reflect on the goings on of the last 12 months. And a lot of the strangest goings on were going on in the Sunshine State. Nobody’s quite figured out why yet, but Florida is the undisputed winner of WTF. Oh Florida, congrats! You are succeeding at something! Click through for a review of all the things Florida kicked ass at this year (not really).
This video clip from a Portland news station begins like any other slightly awkward local news interview, but then, about 12 seconds in, it becomes the the most hilariously awkward local news interview ever, involving tits and the vacuum cleaner man. Just push play, OK? And then you’ll understand why I’m starting a campaign to get this woman her own show. And also bringing her a fruit basket and asking her if she will be the weird aunt I’ve never had. [YouTube via Molls]
There’s “overprotective” … and then there’s someone-get-Child-Protective-Services on the phone.
The New York City dad who showed up at his daughter’s high school, swinging a chain and padlock in the air while yelling “Who’s fucking my daughter?!” is the latter. Keep reading »
Are you in search of the perfect clothes to emphasize your man’s “very sexy bod” this holiday season? Would you like for them to have cutouts in the shoulder area and perhaps a hand or two around the crotch? Does your guy maybe, just maybe, need a $250 bandeau bra with LED lights on the nipples? If you answered yes to all of these questions, and I know you did, look no further than Yoko Ono’s limited edition “Fashions For Men” collection, now available at Opening Ceremony. The 18-piece line is based on a book of sketches the artist gifted to John Lennon on their wedding day, which she was inspired to create “with love for his hot bod” because her man was “looking so great.”
So if your man’s bod has been looking very sexy lately, you should absolutely, no question, purchase him a pair of $250 Cutout Trousers, complete with a circular sheer mesh panel in the butt area. If you’re trying to stay on the more frugal side of things this Christmas or Hanukah, we think the $75 Butt Hoodie will suffice. Either way, your guy is bound to love whatever you choose from this can’t-be-missed collection. You can both be sure that it will emphasize his hot bod beautifully. [Opening Ceremony via The Cut]
It is fairly common knowledge that getting older directly corresponds with getting weirder. Karl Lagerfeld was pretty fucking weird to begin with, but now, at 79, I think it’s safe to say that the longtime Chanel designer is the weirdest. The Kaiser may not consider himself a “political person,” but he did take some interest in this year’s presidential election (didn’t everyone?), even awaking early the following day in anticipation of the results. “Inspired” by the subject of President Obama, Karl celebrated the Democratic win in the way he knows best: by illustrating the POTUS in chef whites (using Shu Uemura makeup, because duh) bearing a cake in the shape of the White House. The handwritten caption reads, in German: “The Biggest Chef in the World: 10 X 5 Stars.” I’m sure there must be something to this metaphor, but it is 100 percent lost on me. [WWD via The Gloss]
I don’t know anything about the story behind these shoes, but I do know that this picture makes an extremely compelling argument for gun control and veganism. [Cheezburger]
Today in NOOOOOOOO: Chris Brown, singer or something and otherwise all-around spawn of Satan, has been signed to the artist management division of Wilhelmina International, the modeling agency representing such popular faces as supermodel Coco Rocha, plus-size star Robyn Lawley, and, uh, Kendall Jenner. The highly-regarded agency will seek to score fashion and beauty endorsements and licenses for the infamous pop star. (Is he a pop star? Seriously, I have no clue. I’ve never heard any of his songs besides “Birthday Cake,” which is an insult to humanity and also people with ears all over the world.) I wonder how that ill-advised neck tattoo of a horribly battered woman will play into his modeling career? In the most basic of terms: fucking gag. [WWD]
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