There’s a disturbing buzz building in Nashville right now. It’s reminiscent of the sound of the T-Rex approaching in “Jurassic Park.” At first, it’s just a faint vibration, then a loud, sickening THUMP, then a deafening roar, and suddenly you’re stuck between its jaws, being eaten alive, and there’s nothing you can do about it. The advancing predator I’m referring to in this case, though, isn’t a dinosaur; it’s a country song called, “Donkey.” Keep reading »
“I counted his legs and I thought I was seeing things. Then I called my neighbour to make sure that I am not crazy.”
Croatian farmer Zoran Paparic, describing his reaction to this 8-legged goat that was born on his farm recently. My response would have been more along the lines of, “WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK?!??!!” but hey, to each his own. After examining the octo-goat, vets determined that the extra legs belonged to an underdeveloped twin that hadn’t fully separated. It is unknown whether or not the newborn will survive longer than a few days, but Amelia is rooting for it, according to this message she just sent me: “I really want the octo-goat to survive so it can master galloping around on eight legs.” [You can do it buddy!!! -- Amelia] How’s that for a visual? My stomach hurts. I’m scared. I’m signing off the internet forever. [Mirror]
Jonah Falcon received an extraordinary gift at birth, and now he wants to give back.
The 43-year-old Manhattanite is recognized for having the longest penis ever measured in a documentary, a distinction that has made him an Internet star. He has declined many opportunities in porn. But now, he has an offer he can’t refuse. Read more on Huffington Post…
Birthday celebrations sure have changed since I was a kid: a middle school teacher in Texas has been arrested for performing a lap dance for her 15-year-old student on his birthday.
Felicia Smith, 42, allegedly gave a four-minute, full-contact lap dance in February to the unnamed boy in front of other students in the classroom. The boy told police that he sat in a chair next to her desk while music played, she “moved back and forth on his crotch and then touched him all over his body” and he spanked her butt several times. She also reportedly sank down to her knees and put her head between his legs. At the end, Smith allegedly told the boy, “I love you, baby. Happy birthday.” First Coast News reports that video exists of the whole incident. Keep reading »
A gentleman’s club in Guelph, Ontario, is holding church services right on the stage next to the stripper pole.
The Manor, as the club is called, held services for the first time on Easter. Read more on Huffington Post…
Cops say a Tennessee teen who got arrested for driving with a suspended license on Monday had a surprise in store for police.
When a female corrections officer at Kingsport jail performed a search on 19-year-old Dallas Archer, she allegedly discovered an “unknown object” lodged in the young woman’s crotch. She alerted another female officer, who accompanied her during a further examination, according to documents obtained by the Smoking Gun. Read more on Huffington Post…
Here is the recipe for Avril Lavigne’s music video for her new single, “Hello Kitty”:
- 10 heaping scoops of Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku appropriation phase
- 3 cups Skrillex hair
- 2 cups assorted Skrillex noises (OK to sub generic brand “Scrillecks” here)
- 1.5 cups “Wait, isn’t Avril Lavigne my age? Why is this making me feel so old? Why is this song so loud? Why is she still singing about slumber parties?”
- 5 tablespoons PROBLEMATIC
- 2 tablespoons of that time you had a Skittles-eating contest with your brother and vomited rainbow-colored bile.
- A pinch of the most awkward sushi restaurant scene since you saw a white guy bow to the chef at a conveyer belt sushi restaurant in a suburban strip mall in Utah.
- Crumble “SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WTF” over the top and bake until crisp.
Yeeeepppp, that just about sums it up. Avril, you know I always want to have your back, but not this time. I’m going to go take two aspirin and lie down for awhile.
This ad for Weight Watchers “Smart Ones” frozen meals popped up before a YouTube video I was watching, and I actually had to watch it twice all the way through to realize it wasn’t some kind of satire or parody. Unfortunately, it’s real. And it’s terrible.
“We brought women like you together in Times Square,” reads the opening title, over a whimsical soundtrack. “It was time to ‘fess up.” This is followed by women (only women, no men) sheepishly admitting to the camera that they like buttered popcorn, or that they once ate cake frosting for breakfast, or that they have a weakness for mini cupcakes. Their confessions are shown on a huge screen in Times Square for all to see (while the women cover their faces in shame), before being digitally erased and replaced with a message: “Congratulations, you now have a clean slate!” Women are then shown cheering and triumphantly holding up empty plates, which they are presumably only to fill with microwavable, highly processed meals from now until eternity. Or maybe, in an ideal world, they just wouldn’t eat at all?
Weight Watchers, I have three words for you: Fuck. This. Noise. Here’s why: Keep reading »
On Monday, Lukyanova posted a selfie to her Facebook page that shows her bare-faced and wearing a black bikini. Just hours earlier, she posted a photo of her all done up and dressed in a frothy pink skirt for a modeling gig. Read more on Huffington Post…
Go ahead, watch it 300 times (I’m on my 478th). Enjoy it. Study it carefully. And then tell me your best guess for what the hell is happening in this glorious and confusing moment of human-goat interaction. Give up? Get the answer, along with a slow motion video of the full encounter, after the jump! Keep reading »