Amazon describes the little-known (thank God!) 1999 self-help book, The Rules For Getting Laid: Get The Sex You Want as an “outrageous, hilarious, politically incorrect book shows men the boneheaded mistakes they make in seducing women” and tells “readers the secrets no one else will have the guts to speak!” Well, that was putting it kindly. The Village Voice dug up a copy of the out-of-print book and combed through the pages for useful tips from authors David Graff and Ray Schwartz (two men who clearly have never gotten laid). Spoiler: there weren’t any. But there are plenty of super offensive, misogynistic, bordering on stalker-ish/rape-y pieces of sex advice to get whipped up about. Let’s do that, shall we? After the jump, the worst, most awful, most WTF sex advice from the book that promises: “Feminist women and men will try to ban or burn this book!” Burn, burn, burn! Keep reading »
New thing to be afraid of: SNAKES KNOW HOW TO OPEN DOORS NOW. We’re not sure if this is a python or a boa constrictor, but we all agree we are having nightmares tonight. And going to the bathroom in pairs all afternoon. Carrying axes.
After the jump, watch Amelia’s not-at-all-over-the-top reaction on Vine to the news that snakes are taking over. Keep reading »
Thank you to Tiana Nicole Calandro of Delray Beach, Florida (yay!), for the arrest excuse of the day. When she was pulled over for speeding, police saw something protruding from her T-shirt pocket and asked what it was. “It’s my nipple,” Calandro responded.
“I advised her I knew what a nipple looked like and that wasn’t a nipple,” the officer wrote in his report. You’d think that would have made her fess up, but no. Calandro swallowed the pill, which turned out to be Dilaudid. The officer tried to get her to spit it out, but that didn’t work either. And that’s how one’s “nipple” can land them in jail with possession charges. [NJ]
I came across a story this morning about a British guy who believes he has been a zombie for the last nine years. Not, like, a “Oh, hahahaha, let’s dress up for Halloween and do a zombie crawl and get totally wasted” type of zombie, but really actually a zombie. The man had tried committing suicide a decade ago, and when he woke up in the hospital, he was adamant he was dead.
To soothe himself, the guy — called “Graham” for the purposes of the story — would hang out in graveyards, communing with his fellow “dead.” This all sounds like the plot of some kind of moody teen drama, right? But actually? “Graham” was suffering from something called Cotard Delusion.
And it is insane. Keep reading »
What you are looking at is a flesh flower from Heidi Hatry’s new photography exhibit, “Not A Rose.” The collection, on display at NYC’s Stux Gallery, features images of flowers made from “grotesque, immaculately manicured flesh debris and picturesque, nonchalant nature.” Meaning, her floral arrangements are made from offal and sex organs of deceased animals. This beautiful nightmare is an “immaculately manicured” cow vagina with a sheep penis center. GROTESQUE. [Huffington Post]
It’s happened to all of us at one point or another. You’re sitting on the couch cozying up for a “Real Housewives” marathon and your boyfriend farts in your face. When this happened to you, you probably laughed it off or pretended to be grossed out (unless it really stank, in which case you were genuinely grossed out) and said something like, “Baby, thank you for showing me how much you care.”
That’s not how Florida woman — of course! — Deborah Ann Burns reacted when her boyfriend let one rip in her face. Instead, she threw an eight-inch knife at her boyfriend’s stomach and then proceeded to beat him with a stick. (I’m very curious about what show she was watching because I know I get upset when I get interrupted during “The Voice.”)
Burns’ boyfriend is in stable condition, but forever traumatized by his own flatulence, and she is facing charges for trying to cut someone who cut the cheese, aka aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Florida does it again. [Huffington Post; NBC Miami]
Tired of the same old fried or scrambled eggs? Wish you could enjoy your favorite breakfast food in a more phallic shape? Then you should definitely check out a new kitchen gadget called the “Rollie Eggmaster.” Just crack your eggs into the tube-shaped contraption, and a couple minutes later it slowly pushes out a cooked egg boner. According to the infomercial, it’s “perfect for the office!” Lord help us. [YouTube]
Tonya needs your help. She went to SuperCuts last week to get bangs. She asked the hairdresser to keep it “shorter in the front, longer in the back” so she could pull it back into a ponytail when she went to the gym. A few snips later and she had a power mullet. Needless to say, Tonya had to go out and buy a whole mess of hats. She’s considering donating her mullet tail to locks of love and getting extensions. But first, she needs to find a good hairdresser who can fix this mess. Tonya’s not alone. There seems to be an epidemic of stock photo models with batcrackers insane hair. Check out a few of the worst hairdos in the stockphotoverse.