Dear Kenneth Webster Enlow,
Now, I do love a man who goes after what he wants. Initiative is hot! Motivation is sexy! The problem, though, is that you wanted to be a peeping tom inside a septic tank in the women’s restroom at a public park. Keep reading »
Dear Luis Briones,
You just got arrested in New Mexico after crashing your car. Police could tell pretty quickly you were driving drunk, which is already a dealbreaker, but it quickly became apparent that something else had contributed to your little “accident.” Maybe it was because you were found hiding in a cactus(?!) wearing only one shoe and had your shorts on inside out, or maybe it’s because your female passenger was totally naked, but you eventually got busted for not only driving under the influence, but having sex while driving under the influence. While a small part of me is impressed by your ability to multitask, a much larger part of me is disgusted by your complete disregard for other people’s safety.
I think it’s safe to say: we’re breaking up.
No longer yours,
Well, you really screwed this one up. You thought it’d be sooooo funny to pretend to be a baby and get in a McDonald’s-provided high chair? But you didn’t count on getting stuck in there, did you?
Cork, Ireland, police were rushed to the scene, and had to pry you out of the high chair. And dude, you were there all by yourself. Keep reading »
Dear Tyree Carter,
You’ve really done it this time. When you started spending a lot of time at the library, I was excited. I thought you were showing me you cared by putting in effort to job hunt and become more literate. I thought that all of our discussions about how I would be more sexually attracted to you if you “read a book once in a while and brought home a paycheck” had not fallen on deaf ears.
Tyree, I was wrong. You played me for a fool. Keep reading »
Look, I’m not the world’s most observant Christian. But even I attended enough Sunday school to know that God would totally have said “Thou shalt not rape” had there been room on those tablets for an 11th commandment.
Which is why I feel confident saying that Sean Patrick Banks, 37, of Del Mar, California, who is accused of raping a woman he met on the Christian dating site Christian Mingle, is crappy Christian. Keep reading »