Posts tagged "were breaking up"

We’re Breaking Up: Lazy Mailman Who Hid 45,000 Pieces Of Mail At His Dead Mom’s House

Dear William “Brent” Morse,

You know I have a thing for mailmen. Always have, always will. My infatuation with postal carriers is not due to their toned calf muscles (although that certainly helps), but their diligence and commitment. When I see my mailman striding valiantly through stinging hail or stifling humidity to ensure timely…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger / April 25, 2014

We’re Breaking Up: Federal Air Marshal Arrested For Taking Upskirt Photos

Dear U.S. Air Marshal Adam Joseph Bartsch AKA Adam,

I’m beyond disappointed, Adam. As an air marshal, you should know how to behave on an airplane, especially when you’re on active duty. Using your rank to board the plane first and then taking upskirt photos with your cellphone as the rest of passengers headed down the…

Amelia McDonell-Parry / October 18, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Bicycle Seat Thief Obsessed With “The Lingering Scent Of A Woman”

Dear Joji Kondo,

You lied to me! You told me the 200 bicycle seats sitting in our basement were from a faulty shipment at work and that you would be examining them as part of your company’s initiative on quality control. You started spending more time in the basement — sniffing the seats,…

Ami Angelowicz / August 27, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Got This Gorilla Tattoo On His Head

Dear Guy Who Got A Gorilla Tattoo On The Back Of His Head,
Listen, I thought our relationship was going pretty well. I thought your bald spot was cute. I really liked your taste in beaded chokers. And then you went to the tattoo parlor, and came back with … this. What am I supposed…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger / August 15, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Josh Marks, “MasterChef” Contestant Who Claimed His Soul Was Possessed By Gordon Ramsay

Dear Josh,

I know it’s been a hard year for you, since you came in second in last season on “MasterChef.”  Look, the truth was, no matter how perfect your dark chocolate soufflé was (and it was pretty damn perfect … Graham Elliot looked like he was mouth-fucking it), you never stood a…

Ami Angelowicz / July 31, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Subway Sandwich Artist Who Put His Penis On Bread & Snapped A Picture

Dear Ian Jett, Subway sandwich artist in Columbus, Ohio,

Look, I get it. You don’t like your job. Sometimes when we’re bored at work, we have this overpowering desire to whip out our genitals and rub it all over things. It’s totally understandable.

But why did you have to be so…

Jessica Wakeman / July 23, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Poopy Peeping Tom Who Hid Inside A Septic Tank

Dear Kenneth Webster Enlow,

Now, I do love a man who goes after what he wants. Initiative is hot! Motivation is sexy! The problem, though, is that  you wanted to be a peeping tom inside a septic tank in the women’s restroom at a public park.

Jessica Wakeman / July 9, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Was Arrested For Having Sex While Driving Drunk

Dear Luis Briones,
You just got arrested in New Mexico after crashing your car. Police could tell pretty quickly you were driving drunk, which is already a dealbreaker, but it quickly became apparent that something else had contributed to your little “accident.” Maybe it was because you were found hiding in a cactus(?!) wearing only…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger / May 30, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Grown Man Gets Stuck In McDonald’s High Chair, Must Be Rescued By Police

Dear Dude,

Well, you really screwed this one up. You thought it’d be sooooo funny to pretend to be a baby and get in a McDonald’s-provided high chair? But you didn’t count on getting stuck in there, did you?

Cork, Ireland, police were rushed to the scene, and had to pry…

Julie Gerstein / May 17, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Won’t Share His Ice Cream

Dear Ice Cream Hog,

I am dumping you on behalf of your girlfriend, on behalf of all the women in the world. After being caught on camera at the  Magic vs. Pacers game on Sunday game, refusing to give your girlfriend a bite of your mint chocolate chip ice cream, I think it’…

Ami Angelowicz / March 21, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Man Banned From All Libraries On The Face Of The Earth

Dear Tyree Carter,

You’ve really done it this time. When you started spending a lot of time at the library, I was excited. I thought you were showing me you cared by putting in effort to job hunt and become more literate. I thought that all of our discussions about how I would…

Ami Angelowicz / March 18, 2013

Accused Rapist Meets Women On Christian Dating Site

Look, I’m not the world’s most observant Christian. But even I attended enough Sunday school to know that God would totally have said “Thou shalt not rape” had there been room on those tablets for an 11th commandment.

Which is why I feel confident saying that Sean Patrick Banks, 37, of Del Mar,…

Jessica Wakeman / February 21, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Republican Who Tweeted Racist Remarks About Trayvon Martin During The Super Bowl

Dear Todd Kincannon,

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but we’re breaking up. You’re the former executive director of the your state’s Republican Party. I can appreciate a strong fiscal policy. You live in South Carolina. I hear Charleston is lovely at any time of year. You know how to use…

Jessica Wakeman / February 5, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Drunk Guy Who Had Sex With A Snowman And Got Frostbite

Dear Kenneth Guillespie,

I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it seems like you’ve finally hit “bottom” as they say. You were found half-naked, screaming in agony after attempting to have sex with a snowman. Kenneth,…

Ami Angelowicz / January 25, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Woman Finds Ex-Boyfriend Living In Her Attic 12 Years After Their Breakup

The title of this post is somewhat of a misnomer because the South Carolina woman who discovered her ex-boyfriend had been living in her attic had already broken up with him 12 years ago. So maybe it would be more accurate to have titled it “You’re Getting Evicted From My Crawlspace”?

Jessica Wakeman / September 13, 2012

We’re Breaking Up: Drunk Crocs President Who Claimed His Girlfriend Was Taylor Swift

Dear Darling George Boedecker,

I know you think you’re really super important as the founder of Crocs, the footwear of choice of obese Midwesterners and chef Mario Batali, but just because you managed to create a plastic shoe empire doesn’t mean you get to pretend our love wasn’t real.

According to…

Julie Gerstein / August 14, 2012

We’re Breaking Up: Man Who Took Meth And Lathered His Naked Body With Crisco

Dear Chad William Forber,

I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried to accept your Crisco fetish. But there is only so much this woman can take. When you get arrested Criscoing in public, that’s when I knew it was over. We had a deal about Criscoing in public!

Ami Angelowicz / August 10, 2012

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Fathered 30 Kids

Oh, Desmond Hatchett, I thought what we had was special, but alas, so did 11 other women. The results of your smooth moves and shocking virility? You’ve fathered 30 children over the past 14 years, and now you’re in court requesting a break from child support payments. I guess I can’t really blame you, because…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger / May 21, 2012

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Unearthed His Girlfriend’s Dead Chinchilla And Photographed It

Remember the name Raymond Williamson because you’re gonna want to steer clear of this guy romantically … or just in general. After a domestic dispute with his girlfriend, the 20-year-old New Yorker got physical with her while trying to steal her cell phone. When Plan A didn’t work, Williamson headed to the grave of her…

Ami Angelowicz / May 10, 2012

We’re Breaking Up: The “Nice Girls Don’t Pepper Spray” T-Shirt

You’re wearing a “Nice Girls Don’t Pepper Spray” shirt? No. Just NO. []…

Jessica Wakeman / March 8, 2012