Posts tagged "were breaking up"

We’re Breaking Up: Lazy Mailman Who Hid 45,000 Pieces Of Mail At His Dead Mom’s House

Dear William “Brent” Morse,

You know I have a thing for mailmen. Always have, always will. My infatuation with postal carriers is not due to their toned calf muscles…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger | April 25, 2014 - 1:30 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Federal Air Marshal Arrested For Taking Upskirt Photos

Dear U.S. Air Marshal Adam Joseph Bartsch AKA Adam,

I’m beyond disappointed, Adam. As an air marshal, you should know how to behave on an airplane, especially when you’re on active…

Amelia McDonell-Parry | October 18, 2013 - 12:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Bicycle Seat Thief Obsessed With “The Lingering Scent Of A Woman”

Dear Joji Kondo,

You lied to me! You told me the 200 bicycle seats sitting in our basement were from a faulty shipment at work and that you…

Ami Angelowicz | August 27, 2013 - 12:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Got This Gorilla Tattoo On His Head

Dear Guy Who Got A Gorilla Tattoo On The Back Of His Head,
Listen, I thought our relationship was going pretty well. I thought your bald spot was cute. I…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger | August 15, 2013 - 11:40 am

We’re Breaking Up: Josh Marks, “MasterChef” Contestant Who Claimed His Soul Was Possessed By Gordon Ramsay

Dear Josh,

I know it’s been a hard year for you, since you came in second in last season on “MasterChef.”  Look, the truth was, no matter how…

Ami Angelowicz | July 31, 2013 - 1:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Subway Sandwich Artist Who Put His Penis On Bread & Snapped A Picture

Dear Ian Jett, Subway sandwich artist in Columbus, Ohio,

Look, I get it. You don’t like your job. Sometimes when we’re bored at work, we have this overpowering…

Jessica Wakeman | July 23, 2013 - 4:30 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Poopy Peeping Tom Who Hid Inside A Septic Tank

Dear Kenneth Webster Enlow,

Now, I do love a man who goes after what he wants. Initiative is hot! Motivation is sexy! The problem, though, is that  you…

Jessica Wakeman | July 9, 2013 - 12:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Was Arrested For Having Sex While Driving Drunk

Dear Luis Briones,
You just got arrested in New Mexico after crashing your car. Police could tell pretty quickly you were driving drunk, which is already a dealbreaker, but it…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger | May 30, 2013 - 3:30 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Grown Man Gets Stuck In McDonald’s High Chair, Must Be Rescued By Police

Dear Dude,

Well, you really screwed this one up. You thought it’d be sooooo funny to pretend to be a baby and get in a McDonald’s-provided high chair?

Julie Gerstein | May 17, 2013 - 3:40 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Won’t Share His Ice Cream

Dear Ice Cream Hog,

I am dumping you on behalf of your girlfriend, on behalf of all the women in the world. After being caught on camera at…

Ami Angelowicz | March 21, 2013 - 1:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Man Banned From All Libraries On The Face Of The Earth

Dear Tyree Carter,

You’ve really done it this time. When you started spending a lot of time at the library, I was excited. I thought you were showing…

Ami Angelowicz | March 18, 2013 - 1:20 pm

Accused Rapist Meets Women On Christian Dating Site

Look, I’m not the world’s most observant Christian. But even I attended enough Sunday school to know that God would totally have said “Thou shalt not rape” had there been…

Jessica Wakeman | February 21, 2013 - 2:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Republican Who Tweeted Racist Remarks About Trayvon Martin During The Super Bowl

Dear Todd Kincannon,

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but we’re breaking up. You’re the former executive director of the your state’s Republican Party. I can…

Jessica Wakeman | February 5, 2013 - 1:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Drunk Guy Who Had Sex With A Snowman And Got Frostbite

Dear Kenneth Guillespie,

I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it…

Ami Angelowicz | January 25, 2013 - 8:30 am

We’re Breaking Up: Woman Finds Ex-Boyfriend Living In Her Attic 12 Years After Their Breakup

The title of this post is somewhat of a misnomer because the South Carolina woman who discovered her ex-boyfriend had been living in her attic had already broken up with…

Jessica Wakeman | September 13, 2012 - 1:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Drunk Crocs President Who Claimed His Girlfriend Was Taylor Swift

Dear Darling George Boedecker,

I know you think you’re really super important as the founder of Crocs, the footwear of choice of obese Midwesterners and chef Mario Batali,…

Julie Gerstein | August 14, 2012 - 11:40 am

We’re Breaking Up: Man Who Took Meth And Lathered His Naked Body With Crisco

Dear Chad William Forber,

I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried to accept your Crisco fetish. But there is only so much this woman can…

Ami Angelowicz | August 10, 2012 - 9:20 am

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Fathered 30 Kids

Oh, Desmond Hatchett, I thought what we had was special, but alas, so did 11 other women. The results of your smooth moves and shocking virility? You’ve fathered 30 children…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger | May 21, 2012 - 3:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Unearthed His Girlfriend’s Dead Chinchilla And Photographed It

Remember the name Raymond Williamson because you’re gonna want to steer clear of this guy romantically … or just in general. After a domestic dispute with his girlfriend, the 20-year-old…

Ami Angelowicz | May 10, 2012 - 10:40 am

We’re Breaking Up: The “Nice Girls Don’t Pepper Spray” T-Shirt

You’re wearing a “Nice Girls Don’t Pepper Spray” shirt? No. Just NO. []…

Jessica Wakeman | March 8, 2012 - 4:40 pm