were breaking up

We’re Breaking Up: Lazy Mailman Who Hid 45,000 Pieces Of Mail At His Dead Mom’s House

Dear William “Brent” Morse,

You know I have a thing for mailmen. Always have, always will. My infatuation with postal carriers is not due to their toned calf muscles…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger | April 25, 2014 - 1:30 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Federal Air Marshal Arrested For Taking Upskirt Photos

Dear U.S. Air Marshal Adam Joseph Bartsch AKA Adam,

I’m beyond disappointed, Adam. As an air marshal, you should know how to behave on an airplane, especially when you’re on active…

Amelia McDonell-Parry | October 18, 2013 - 12:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Bicycle Seat Thief Obsessed With “The Lingering Scent Of A Woman”

Dear Joji Kondo,

You lied to me! You told me the 200 bicycle seats sitting in our basement were from a faulty shipment at work and that you…

Ami Angelowicz | August 27, 2013 - 12:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Got This Gorilla Tattoo On His Head

Dear Guy Who Got A Gorilla Tattoo On The Back Of His Head,

Listen, I thought our relationship was going pretty well. I thought your bald spot was…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger | August 15, 2013 - 11:40 am

We’re Breaking Up: Josh Marks, “MasterChef” Contestant Who Claimed His Soul Was Possessed By Gordon Ramsay

Dear Josh,

I know it’s been a hard year for you, since you came in second in last season on “MasterChef.”  Look, the truth was, no matter how…

Ami Angelowicz | July 31, 2013 - 1:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Subway Sandwich Artist Who Put His Penis On Bread & Snapped A Picture

Dear Ian Jett, Subway sandwich artist in Columbus, Ohio,

Look, I get it. You don’t like your job. Sometimes when we’re bored at work, we have this overpowering…

Jessica Wakeman | July 23, 2013 - 4:30 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Poopy Peeping Tom Who Hid Inside A Septic Tank

Dear Kenneth Webster Enlow,

Now, I do love a man who goes after what he wants. Initiative is hot! Motivation is sexy! The problem, though, is that  you…

Jessica Wakeman | July 9, 2013 - 12:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Was Arrested For Having Sex While Driving Drunk

Dear Luis Briones,

You just got arrested in New Mexico after crashing your car. Police could tell pretty quickly you were driving drunk, which is already a dealbreaker,…

Winona Dimeo-Ediger | May 30, 2013 - 3:30 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Grown Man Gets Stuck In McDonald’s High Chair, Must Be Rescued By Police

Dear Dude,

Well, you really screwed this one up. You thought it’d be sooooo funny to pretend to be a baby and get in a McDonald’s-provided high chair?

Julie Gerstein | May 17, 2013 - 3:40 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Guy Who Won’t Share His Ice Cream

Dear Ice Cream Hog,

I am dumping you on behalf of your girlfriend, on behalf of all the women in the world. After being caught on camera at…

Ami Angelowicz | March 21, 2013 - 1:20 pm

We’re Breaking Up: Man Banned From All Libraries On The Face Of The Earth

Dear Tyree Carter,

You’ve really done it this time. When you started spending a lot of time at the library, I was excited. I thought you were showing…

Ami Angelowicz | March 18, 2013 - 1:20 pm

Accused Rapist Meets Women On Christian Dating Site

Look, I’m not the world’s most observant Christian. But even I attended enough Sunday school to know that God would totally have said “Thou shalt not rape” had there been…

Jessica Wakeman | February 21, 2013 - 2:20 pm
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