Being a police officer is hard, especially when you have to write speeding tickets. Sometimes the drivers won’t pull over; other times people just get really pissed, and occasionally ... a cat climbs on your head while you are responding to the call of duty. Even the FOX newscasters had trouble keeping straight faces when they aired this video of a cat who obvs thought this police officer was a tree. The dude kicked the little kitty away repeatedly, but it came right back, eventually making it up to the cop’s head. The ‘po should have just put the little critter in handcuffs. Duh.

“New Moon,” the second movie in the Twilight Saga, hits theaters this Friday, and it seems the owner of what is used as the Cullen’s home in the film has decided to cash in on the franchise’s popularity by putting his home on the market this week. The five-bedroom West Vancouver house features an outdoor pool, hot tub, and a koi pond on a 1/2-acre of land, along with 20-foot ceilings and a chef’s kitchen. Twihards are probably salivating at the mouth, dying to live in—or see!—the place Edward and his fam call home, but it won’t be cheap or easy. Viewings of the house are by appointment only, and the asking price is $3,298,000. The Cullens certainly did well for themselves. [Jason Soprovich via Luxist]

I am several years away from even considering having children, and yet, sometimes I find myself thinking that if I do ever have a daughter, I kind of hope she’s a lesbian. Now, bear with me—obviously, I’ll be thrilled with whoever my daughter turns out to be. But if she’s a lesbian, she’ll be much less likely to be pressured into sex when she’s young and she won’t have to worry about getting pregnant before she’s ready. She’ll be much less likely to ever get an STD, and since more than half of rapes are of the “date” variety, that becomes much less of a concern. Not to mention the fact that she won’t have to spend nearly as much time as I do decoding the opposite gender’s mind. And, apparently, she’ll also be a better mom. Yep, the director of the U.K.‘s National Academy for Parenting Practitioners said today that his research shows that the children of lesbian couples tend to be better adjusted than those of straight couples. “Lesbians make better parents than a man and a woman,” he says. Why would this be? Easy. Because for a lesbian couple to have a baby, it takes serious planning and action—there are no accidents. Kind of interesting, no? [Telegraph]

Michelle Thompson suffers from persistent sexual arousal syndrome, a condition which makes her orgasm about 300 times a day. Sweet, I have to imagine, but it probably gets in the way when she’s trying to shop for groceries, or do her taxes or, as it turns out, when she’s trying to build a relationship. Michelle says she used to wear men out. She said, about a man she dated for five years, “By the time we broke up, he was exhausted, he left as a defeated man.” And most men give up much more easily.

We’ve seen some pretty strange PSAs in our day—the insanely over-the-top texting and driving one, the one with Hilary Duff warning not to use the word “gay” as an adjective, and the one of the kid eating dog poo. But this British PSA from 1974 has me scratching my head the hardest. It warns against laying down rugs and setting “man traps.” Huh? [BuzzFeed]

File this one under “random afflictions I’m relieved I don’t have.” Poor little Lauren Johnson, 12, has been sneezing eight or nine times every minute for two weeks. According to Lemondrop, “Doctors think it might be intractable psychogenic sneezing, a very rare disorder with fewer than 40 documented cases in the world with no surefire method of treatment.” Her adorably polite younger brother is bound to lose his voice any second now from saying “bless you!” [Lemondrop]

In the U.K., journalist Jessica Hatcher was surfing the web when she found an article about the upcoming Naturist Olympics. For those of you who like to keep your clothes on at all times, “naturist” is a fancy term for the nudist community. In the name of journalistic research, Jessica asked to attend the gala and just watch. As in watch with clothes on. A few weeks later she got a call from the organizers of the Olympics asking her if she wanted to compete for her country since there was a shortage of British competitors in her age group. Reluctantly, Jessica decided to take a risk and accepted.

A woman in Texas successfully scammed a bunch of people into paying for her breast implants by, get this, faking breast cancer! Twenty-four-year-old Trista Joy Lathern told everyone she didn’t have health insurance and needed money to pay for her breast cancer treatments. In August, 100 people showed up to her all-day fundraiser at Waco’s Hog Creek Icehouse Saloon and donated an estimated $10,000. Trista used $6,800 of the donations to pay for a new set of boobs. According to the local sheriff’s office, it was later discovered that Lathern never even had breast cancer.

What’s a man to do when he’s desperate for a little phone sex but his cell phone is out of minutes? Call 9-1-1, the number that’s always free, of course! Joshua Basso, a man from Tampa, said his cell phone ran out of minutes Wednesday, so he called 9-1-1 with an emergency of his own. When 9-1-1 operators hung up on him, he called back four times, hoping to find someone to have sex with him. Police tracked his call and arrested him at home 15 minutes after his last call. He remains in jail without bail. The upside is he’ll have better luck finding a sex partner behind bars. [via TampaBay.com]

In strange boob news you can use, two new stories emerge on the breast front: a surgically implanted bra and an effort to regrow breast tissue. Israeli researchers are working on Cup&Up, a bra that’s inserted into the body. The Minimally Invasive Mastopexy is supposedly less intrusive than a typical breast augmentation. Adi Cohen, the man behind the “internal bra,” explains: “What we’ve done is build a silicone bra, insert it into the body and attach it to the ribs and to the fascia.” So far, though, they’ve only tested the Cup&Up on ... pigs. Meanwhile, in Australia, researchers are working on ways to regrow human breast tissue, which could help cancer survivors. Let the cyborg breast revolution begin. [Gizmodo, Newser]

Paris, the city of l’amour, saw its first ever Divorce, Separation and Bereavement Fair over the weekend. Attendees learned about solutions for easing the pain of separation, including financial and legal counseling, life coaching, seduction tips, and cellulite removal methods (because that’s the first thing on the mind of a divorcée). They could even hire private detective agencies to discover their partners’ infidelities or hidden financial assets.

“To move on, people have to go through a process of grieving for their past life, for the hopes they had, for the image they had of themselves and of their relationship,” said event organizer Brigitte Gaumet to Reuters. One 46-year-old woman went to the fair looking for ways to cope with her difficult teens now that her divorce is finalized, but, instead, ended up booking a wardrobe makeover with an image consultant. She said she needed to boost her confidence. Here are some of the workshop titles: “How to bounce back,” “How to love yourself in order to bounce back,” and “The role of plastic surgery in reconquering one’s self-image.” I don’t think cosmetic surgery is necessary for building self-confidence, but it is interesting that newly single or soon-to-be single people could find this many resources under one roof. So, if this phenomenon of the divorce fair came to the States, could you see yourself attending? You know, if you were unfortunately (or not-so-unfortunately, depending on the circumstances) going through a separation. [Reuters]

In February, 56-year-old Charla Nash was severely mauled by a 200-pound chimpanzee. Today, she appears on “Oprah” to talk for the first time about the ordeal that left her tragically disfigured. The chimp, Travis, was highly domesticated; he had appeared on TV commercials, enjoyed a diet of lobster, steak, and ice cream, and brushed his teeth with a Water Pik. But for unknown reasons, he suddenly viciously attacked Nash, a friend of his owner. After the incident, Travis was shot dead, but Nash lost her eyes, nose, lips, and hands. Although she remains in the hospital, she talked about her life after the attack. “I don’t ask a whole lot about my injuries. I know that I have my forehead,” she tells Oprah on today’s show. A clip is here, but it’s very graphic. You’ve been warned. [Oprah]

If you’re anything like me, you dream of someday visiting Australia and hugging a koala bear. (And not having it bite your face off, cause that would be a nightmare.) Well, according to the Australian Koala Foundation, you may not get the chance—the koala population has been cut in half over the past few years, and in another 30, they might be fully extinct. So what’s happening to the eucalyptus-loving cuddlies? Chlamydia. Yes, it’s not just Sam the Koala who tragically died from the STD—there’s been a full-scale outbreak, and you try telling koalas to use condoms. Deforestation and global warming aren’t helping. Chant it with me: Save the koalas. Save the koalas! [BBC]

Now, I’m not judging—who hasn’t been there?—but 26-year-old Sophia Hartdegen sure looked rip-roaring drunk when she fell off the platform and on to the Boston subway tracks on Friday night, just as a train appeared in the distance. Lucky for her, a Transportation Authority employee just happened to be on the platform too and called the subway driver, Charice Lewis. Lewis pulled the train’s emergency brake and it stopped just short of the station—literally inches from Hartdegen. Lewis told the CBS “Early Show” that she got out of the train cab, and thought, “Please God, let this woman be OK.” And she was. Hartdegen just smiled up at her. Totally how a sober person would react. [AP]

Deja Vu in Las Vegas has come up with an exotic idea for how to get people to their club. They’ve created a stripper mobile. Yes, really. It has glass walls and a pole in the back where one of the club’s best dancers performs as it drives through town. The truck makes its rounds between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. and the girls wear bikinis, but still—there is the whole issue of kiddies seeing the funny business going down inside. And as the reporter in the video points out, what happens if the truck has to stop short? [CNN]

You know what job must not smell that good? Being a toe reader. But that isn’t stopping KC Miller of Arizona, author of Toe Reading: Are You Walking Your
Destined Path?, who looks at people’s feet to determine elements of their personality. She says that your big toe reveals the truth about your destiny, while your fourth toe is all about your relationships. Oh, and corns have to do with stress—not your shoes rubbing up on your toesies. Do you buy it? [CNN]

The Vatican announced last month a plan to make it easier for disillusioned Anglicans, who feel their church has become too liberal, to convert to Catholicism. The plan allows for Anglican priests, including those who are married, to also convert to Catholicism. This stirred speculation that the age-old rule of celibacy for Catholic priests could be rescinded. Not so, says the Vatican. The married priests will join the Personal Ordinariates, the structure set up for ex-Anglicans. They won’t have to be celibate, but unmarried priests who convert to Catholicism and are ordained will have to adhere to the celibacy rule. Only celibate men will be admitted to the Roman Catholic priesthood, but the admission of married Anglican priests will be on a case-by-case basis decided on by the pope. Former Anglican bishops, including married ones, will be able to lead groups of former Anglicans within the Catholic Church, but the bishops will also have to be ordained within the Catholic priesthood. So, it seems the bishops will have to be celibate, even if they’re married, or choose not to be the ministers of their congregations. [Reuters]

Over the past few months, it seems like I can barely go a week without hearing a story about a looney tunes 911 call—from the women who called 911 to report that her daughter was better at oral sex to the man who dialed emergency services because a worker at McDonald’s had left the orange juice off his order. People, we get that 911 is strictly for emergencies, right? Right? Here are some of the best 911 calls of the past year.

If you end up back at a guy’s house, take a trip to the toilet, and see he’s got this gas mask shower head designed by Chris Dimino, you may want to run screaming from the premises. [Apartment Therapy]

If you have been waiting for the right escargot packing made out of colored snail poop to come along, today, my friend, is your lucky day. For reasons that will surely forever remain a mystery, designer Manuel Jouvin decided the ideal container for holding escargot is made from colorized snail droppings. So, he partnered up with a French snail farmer (my dream profession), and set about feeding colored paper to snails. Then, the snails pooped a rainbow of colors. Jouvin turned that, er, substance into escargot packaging. Ah, the French. So creative. In any case, maybe not something you want to try at your next dinner party. [NOTCOT]