If you’re planning a summer wedding, you may now be where I once was, just a few weeks before my nuptials: at the bar.
I was tired of making decisions. I was tired of caring about details. I was tired of answering questions. I was tired of worrying. Planning a big-ass event is hard. Planning one that’s supposed to be the Greatest Day Of Your Life Ever Or Else Your Existence As A Whole Is A Poorly Executed Sham And Everybody Knows It is especially hard, and you don’t have to have purchased stock in Wedding Industrial Complex, Inc. to be worried about it.
So I’m going to tell you a true thing that good people told me. Something I knew intellectually to be true, but something I found emotionally hard to wrap my mind around:
There are two kinds of people who seriously care about your wedding. One of those kinds of people is you and, ideally, the person you’re about to commit your forever life to. The other kind of person is an asshole. Keep reading »
Mama June painted her old barn, wiggled her vajiggle jaggle into a beautimous, camouflage gown and tucked her forklift foot into some bedazzled sneakers for a ceremony of some sort this weekend. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she and Sugar Bear got hitched. But they don’t normally have bouncy houses and serve sketti at weddings, do they? You can check it out the highlights of the big event for yourself and see what you think. I believe a mazel tov is in order.
How about this: unless you’re speaking to a person who is literally about to walk down an aisle to an altar at which they will proceed to exchange vows of lifelong love to another human being, don’t tell them they’re “next” to get married.
That’s what a friend of mine’s sister told her recently, and … well, I’ll just tell you what my friend — a single lady — expressed in response: “RUH RUH!?!?!” Because seriously. Nobody’s “next.” There’s not a wedding pecking order. Nobody is the first person to get married, and matrimony isn’t a race wherein some people come in second, third or fourth place. Keep reading »
Please don’t have a million people in your wedding party.
There, I said it. I know you are the most popular and lovable person who ever lived, and you don’t want to exclude anyone, not even your sixth cousin because your fifth cousin is totally going to throw a fit, but I think you will make yourself crazy if you have a million people in your wedding party.
Hear me out.
Actually, no, hear this person out, the letter writer to Miss Manners who lamented, “I have 10 bridesmaids but only five groomsmen! What do I do?”
What you do is cut some bridesmaids. (Gently, with a plastic butter knife.) Or better yet: don’t field a wedding baseball team in the first place. Wedding planning, even for small events, can be days after days, weeks after weeks, months after months, of asking yourself “What do I do?!”
The more people you wrangle on your wedding day, the more times you’ll have to ask yourself, “What do I do?!” Not because your friends and family are terrible. But because there’s a 99.99999 percent chance they’re human beings. Keep reading »
Yesterday in Austin, Texas, a city I’m very proud to call home, 250 people gathered on the south steps of the state capitol for a nice round of bigoted back-patting, peppered with lines like this, from state senator Donna Campbell: “They want to redefine marriage between a natural man and natural woman the same way they want to redefine the Constitution.”
This, of course, while the Supreme Court was hearing arguments on same-sex marriage.
“Our core values are being attacked on a daily basis,” Campbell told the crowd.
I like that line, about “core values” that are “being attacked,” because if there’s one thing that gives me a little pleasure when thinking about people like Donna Campbell, and others who would deny civil rights to all Americans because something something Jesus, it’s the thought that maybe they stay up at night seriously worried that the gays, or whoever Donna Campbell thinks “they” might be, are coming for her values and children, cowering beneath their quilted comforters.
Maybe that thought is funny to me because things like the “Future Bride” baby onesie exist in the world. If anyone is coming for your children, it is hyper-normative heterosexuals who can’t even wait for a little girl to get out of goddamned diapers before casting her as a sexual being. Keep reading »
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek checklist from the Wedding Industrial Complex to all the brides out there who are doing weddings wrong, and who will no doubt regret their many wedding-related sins forever.
But seriously folks: I have some regrets about our wedding.
Not the but-what-does-it-all-mean kind of regrets. But the logistical, practical kind of regrets that I think I can help folks getting married avoid having in the future. Read on for proof that I am not the smartest bride who ever lived. Keep reading »
Tumblr and Pinterest have given us so many wedding inspirations. If whimsy is your thing, I’ve got some tips for you. They may be old hat by now, but if it’s what you want, go for it. You rock those bridal antlers. I want to have my wedding at Arby’s so what the hell do I know? Let the quirky begin!
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I am attending a wedding at the end of the month in D.C. I am having a lot of trouble finding a reasonably priced petite dress to wear. This time of the year a lot of dress have stripes, polka dots, flowers, or are neon. The wedding ceremony starts at 3pm, so I need something that will transition from day to night. I am open to color suggestions. I only ask that they not be black or white. Budget-wise I’d like to keep it $100 and below. Please help! –Christa
When I initially went searching for a dress for you, I bookmarked a bunch of dresses that are striped, brightly colored, or floral print, because apparently I have a really bad short term memory and they were all really cute. Then I went back and looked at your email, and I realized this is indeed a tough season to be looking for a simpler style of dress.
But this fashion mission isn’t impossible, and I did find a few options that I think would work really well for this wedding (and other events throughout the year!). Read on for all the details about these four lovely frocks… Keep reading »
Before I dive into the particulars of an 8-year-old getting wed to a 61-year-old, I ask you to consider under what circumstances a wedding of this sort might be appropriate. So far, I’ve come up with … NONE.
But according to the groom, Sanele Masilela of Tshwane, South Africa, (I can’t believe I’m using that word to describe an 8-year-old), the wedding was an order from his dead ancestors. No word on how this order was conveyed, but Masilela felt that it must be obeyed. So, he chose his bride, Helen Shabangu, an already married mother of five, 50 years his senior. Keep reading »
National Proposal Day — a made up holiday encouraging boyfriends and girlfriends everywhere to stop getting the milk for free and actually buy the horse or whatever. Created by somebody named John Michael O’Loughlin, “Proposal Day is not meant to be used to propose marriage to a person you don’t know very well,” he cautions. “In fact, the relationship should be so close, long-standing, and emotionally intimate that your marriage proposal will not be a total shock to the person being proposed to — it’ll feel like a natural progression of the relationship to them!”
Phewwwwwww...I’m glad we cleared that up.
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